This wasn't happening. This wasn't real. They did not rescue him from his kidnapping or whatever the hell that was to turn around and have her get kidnapped. Her life was supposed to be out of danger now that they had Bracken in custody. She was supposed to be safe. This was his battle to fight, not hers.
He's kicking himself yet again for letting Tyson get away four years ago. For shooting him straight into the river two years ago and not making sure there was a body to prove that it was really over. Because that man had threatened not only him in that jail cell, but his family, his Kate. And now the bastard had brought that threat to life, going after him by going after those most important to him. Maybe he should ask the boys to put a protective detail on the loft, protect the rest of the women in his life.
He can't fall asleep. He keeps waking up to images of Kate's lifeless body with a rope burn around her neck, her hair dyed a bottle blonde to fit into Tyson's type. He dry heaves into the trash can at the thought, his eyes prickling with tears.
How did she do this for two months? Sleep in this bed without him, not knowing where he was or whether he was dead or alive? He remembers then that she had gone back to her old apartment, the pain of being in his space without him being too much for her to bear. But still he imagines that sleep hadn't been easy for her. Especially not with her history of nightmares.
He can't just lay here and sleep when he knows that she's out there having god knows what done to her. He has to save her. There has to be something that he can do. He feels responsible for this mess, for Tyson being a free man with a seemingly new identity.
They had him. He was right there. Multiple times now.
Castle digs the heels of his hands into his eyes, wishing he had something to punch, wishing he had Tyson to punch.
He thinks about last year when she had gone undercover as Elena and she had fallen off the grid. About how he found her passed out and bleeding in that motel weeks later after Bracken's men got to her. She does not need this. She has already been tortured enough in her lifetime. She's supposed to be safe now. They caught Bracken, he tells himself again, that was supposed to mean that she was safe.
She must be stronger than he is. To survive this gut wrenching feeling for two months...he's going to do nothing but apologize and worship her when he gets her back.
Castle gives up on sleep and heads into his office. He pulls up the same program on his computer he used to make Johanna's murder board when he was researching the case behind Kate's back to write down everything he knows about Jerry Tyson and Kelly Nieman. He falls asleep in his chair only to be woken up by a concerned Alexis an hour or two later.
The notes he collected the night before have gotten him nowhere so he grabs his coat and heads to the precinct, praying that Gates will grant him this. One of their own is missing and she's never okay with that.
When she starts to come to, she becomes immediately aware of the fact that she can't move. Whatever they injected her with to get her here must have been some type of paralytic. She focuses everything she can into a lifting a finger off of the table they left her on, but to no avail. She stares up at the ceiling of whatever this building is, but there's nothing special about it. And the room is too dark for her to take any further inventory.
Kate forces air into her lungs, a panic attack tightening her already tight chest. If she could move, she'd be kicking herself for walking right into a trap. She should have known better, should have seen it coming. She shouldn't have ended up here, the final pawn in Tyson's endless vendetta against her team.
Her mind drifts to Castle and she starts to wonder if she'll ever see him again, if she'll make it out of here alive. She can't leave him a note hidden beneath her blood this time. She can't record herself telling him that she loves him and mail it to him like he had done in Canada. She has no way to say goodbye. No way to tell him all the things that need to be said.
She tries to think back on the last words she said to him.
I'll be back.
Kate blinks back the tears that fill her eyes. She wonders if this was how he felt in Canada, the reason why he made those videos. This feeling of desperation and unyielding desire to assure him that she didn't go down without a fight. But he knows her. He knows she would never surrender on her on accord. So what does she need to tell him? That she loves him? Because he knows that too.
Maybe it's an extension of that conversation they had this morning. Something they've been tip-toeing around for months. But what good is telling him that she wants a baby if she doesn't survive to create that life?
Maybe she just wants to tell him that they've had a good run. That the past seven years, he's breathed the life back into her. He woke her up from the dull ache that had become her life and got her to laugh and smile and love again. She wants to tell him that she wouldn't change any of it...well except for maybe lying to him after she was shot and trying to push him away. But aside from that, her best memories from the past seven years all involve him and she's grateful to have known him. To have loved him. And to have been loved by him.
That's what she would say if she could somehow get the message out to him. He may know that she loves him, but sometimes she wonders if he truly knows just how much he means to her.
She has faith in him. Faith in the man who has always come to her rescue, just as she has always come to his. But the majority of the time, in these situations, he's right here with her. But they're separated this time, just like this summer. She knows what it's like to be on the other end of all of this. She even had Tyson and Nieman pegged as suspects at one point.
She just wants to get back to him, back to their life. They didn't go through everything with his disappearance months ago only to get him back and have her disappear. She just wants to scream and cry that it isn't fair, like a child who hasn't gotten her way. Because she hasn't. She finally got her months of happiness only to have them be replaced with whatever this is.
Apparently a normal life is too much to ask for.
