Chapter 1

I hate superheroes. I really fucking hate them and how horny they all are. I haven't met a single superhero that didn't try to rape me or somehow get in my pants, even though I keep telling everyone I'm straight. I mean, everyone already wants to get in my pants. I guess that comes with being the hero of the sky, or whatever, but seriously, what the fuck. My name is Link, just Link, not Zelda, not "that kid in the gay green dress," just Link. When the superheroes came from the future to Skyloft, I was really hoping for a battle because it was super boring and Zelda is probably lesbian, because she clearly not attracted to me, and I found her making out with Peatrice behind the Plaza. She made me swear afterward that "I saw nothing". Anyway, instead of an epic battle or an epic bunch of bros, I got even more gay men trying to chase me. As if Ghiriham wasn't enough! So this morning, I woke up in my bed in Skyloft, and wouldn't you know, it was Tony Stark, butt naked, sipping on a margarita, and looking through what looked like a gay porn magazine.

"So how did you enjoy last night?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

I sighed.

"Let me guess, you drugged me and then raped me?" I asked. He nodded.

"You were begging for it, prancing around in that sexy tunic and tights." he sat back, as if savoring the moment, "after all, who could deny such an exquisitely tight arse?" he added.

"Explains why I'm naked too," I muttered, grabbing a new tunic and tights from the closet. Well, my ass does look pretty fine in the tights, now that I think of it. I slipped on my boots and glanced down at Tony's junk.

"Do you mind putting on some pants now that I'm sober?" I snapped. Tony looked down at his junk too.

"Naaaaah, I think I got some nice balls, why shouldn't I show them to the world?" he grinned. I rolled my eyes and gave a swift kick in his balls.

"AAAAAAAGH. WHAT THE HELL?" he screamed, tears streaming down his face.

"I AM NOT YOUR GAY HOOKER, FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FUCK!" I yelled, and threw open the door. Just then, Groose opened his door,

"Hey did someone say fuck? I'll fuck you, or have a threesome, as long as it's Tony." he said. Tony peered from my door.

"NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK WITH YOU GROOSE, GO FUCK A LOFTWING." Groose sniffed and disappeared into his room. I could have sworn I heard a loftwing in there. Huh. I guess he had a loftwing fetish after all. Outside, Fi appeared in front of me again

"Master, there is a 90% chance that Tony was telling you the truth when he said that he raped you" she chirped

"Yeah I know, my ass hurts now." I muttered.

"That's the third time this week. Twice from Peter Parker, and once from Tony. There's a 70% chance that they will attempt to have intercourse with you together in the next few days," she said, and then disappeared back into the sword. Speak of the fucking devil, Peter Parker ran up to me.

"Hey there, uh, nice, uh ass you got there." he flirted weakly.

"Thanks. Are you done now, I really don't give a shit about your gay sexual needs. If you really need someone to fuck, Tony's upstairs." I snapped and ran off the nearest diving platform onto my loftwing as I hear Peter whine,

"But Tony's ass suuuuuuuucks!" and I heard Tony yell

"I HEARD THAT!"

As I flew, I noticed a dark shape growing in the sky. I peered a little closer, and realized it was Zelda! Oh, oh damn, she was so beautiful. Her blonde hair was streaming out behind her like a golden shower, and her bright blue eyes were shining with excitement. Don't get me started on her tits-BAM. I crashed into a large island.

"Watch where you're going assclown!" she screeched at me, as her tits were bouncing up and down. Damn, those gorgeous tits. They were like giant balloons stapled to her chest.

I crashed into another island. Godammit.