It was only when Kaidan smiled at her in a way Shepard could not recognize - guarded, curious, young, blind, star-struck and just a little besotted - that she realized something was very wrong.

So far, she'd been trying to slowly regain her bearings as everyone else around talked at her, oblivious to her own obliviousness. The alarming sense of déjà vu only vaguely broke through the shock fogging her awareness, which meant she nodded when there was a pause in the conversation, saluted anyone saluting her, and hoped that was enough.

This was the Normandy. Worse, the original SR-1, which had distinctly been destroyed years ago. She would know. She should be dead or dying at the Citadel. What was she doing inside a ghost? Surrounded by ghosts too. At least twenty people she'd let down, a parade of the walking dead. She vividly remembered Jenkins' enthusiasm, but not because she'd witnessed a whole lot of it.

All of which brought her to this moment, almost before she could take notice, standing behind Kaidan's seat on the bridge. Her only discernible thought was that she was clearly leaning way too far into his personal space, judging from his reaction. Only then did she snap out of her funk.

"What?" she muttered, and he took it to mean she hadn't understood what he'd said.

"Oh – uh, I said-" he began, flustered, and she was a little out of her depth right then.

She shook her head, clenched her jaw and breathed in quickly. She needed to pull herself together. "Sorry, no, I was just distracted." She smiled at him, which had disarmed him after years of knowing her more intimately than anyone, and achieved the intended result – he went a little red and speechless, and she regained control of the situation. "Never mind. Good work, Ma- Lieutenant."

She had no idea what work she was supposed to be complimenting, but clapped a hand on his shoulder anyway - he tensed automatically, bewildered. Shepard let go of him immediately, which was objectively ridiculous, because she remembered her hands and various other parts of her body lingering everywhere he had a sense of touch only hours before.

Whatever grip she'd caught her fingernails on, she was losing it quickly.

From then on out it was a blur of conversations she'd had before and now understood better than anyone she was speaking to. Super-secret Spectre mission, Joker, no EDI, shit, Pressley, Nihlus, Eden Prime (Ashley). Yes. Okay. She was reliving the past. A little more focused and present than she was used to or liked, but she'd manage, probably. She just needed to figure out what was wrong with her brain first.

Eventually her feet thoughtlessly took over and she found herself alone in a cabin that wasn't really hers yet, in more ways than one, staring at a bed she'd last seen crash-landed on an uninhabited planet and wondering what exactly it meant that 'her energy would be joined with the Crucible'.

"It means exactly that," a little star boy said calmly, walking out of the corner of her left eye to examine her bed as well.

"You're in my head." Somewhere, among all the noise and confusion.

"In a way."

"Get out."

He stared at her. "It's your head."

Her knees gave out and she sat down on the bed heavily. "What happened?"

"Your death. It did not go unnoticed."

She had a headache. "What?"

He frowned at her. "People cared that you died, Jane Shepard."

The use of her name startled her. No titles, no accusations or lauding – the boy was reaching for a part of her that made her recoil. She did not like the lack of control.

For a bright second, everything slowed down to an imperceptible crawl, so that the world turned temporarily crystal clear just for her benefit. Anderson's things were neatly packed in every corner she could eye, everyone was talking about how cool Spectres were, and she was supposed to recover some weird Prothean beacon from what was, as far as she was last aware, a practically abandoned human colony. And Kaidan was acting shy.

And him. Shepard refocused on the boy and time sped up again. There was neither promise nor comfort in his expression. No goals or explanations.

"I'm not dead," she replied evenly. And, much as she tried, she couldn't figure out a way to spin a good omen out of that.

"No. Not here." He sat next to her and stared around absently.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She felt alarmed – would she drop dead if she stepped foot out of the ship?

"That's idiotic."

She glowered at him, but he wasn't looking at her and did not seem to care. Inside her head, of course, why not?

"What happened?" she repeated more forcefully.

"The plan worked," he revealed. "Your sacrifice and the Crucible together – synthesis of all synthetics and organics was achieved. Everyone you cared about – those who still lived – made it to safety. Earth was saved. The galaxy witnessed the ultimate stage of life." He paused. "Fleetingly."

"Fleetingly?" Her voice was sharp.

"I brought you back here." He rested his chin on his palms, his elbows on his knees, and stared straight ahead. For a moment, he actually looked like a little boy. "I redirected the energy of the Crucible to return my current self to here – I brought my knowledge with me, brought your energy with me, and then I gave it to you. Or, I should say – I gave you your own memories. Which were among my knowledge."

"Wh-"

"I identified in you early on a solution for my problem. I also identified in you a new problem. So I took notice. Of you and those you kept close. I did not discard that data. And when your end came, I made – a pondered decision."

"And – why?" she asked slowly.

His eyes met hers. "Do you know why I look like a young boy you never knew?"

"Because you're in my head."

"Because there are a million reasons in your nightmares, and a million distractions. And they're all just illustrations. I needed to be what I wanted you to see. And you needed a reminder. Well, a reason."

She thought of Kaidan. Of the geth's souls, and EDI, her hopes and questions. She thought of Thessia and Liara in tears. She thought about Mordin's seashells and Thane's prayer. About Earth and Ashley. "If there's one thing I'll never run out of, it's reasons."

He nodded. "And this one is all of them," he explained, looking down at himself. "You burned with it in a dream."

She wanted to physically run but gritted her teeth instead. "Why?"

"You have had a lot and lost a lot. You're a reason too." The boy paused. "I thought I knew what this body meant. But I knew it the same way I know something on a mirror. But now I see." He hesitated, which shouldn't be something an AI did. "You deserve more."

"You – you brought me back here because you felt sorry for me?"

He shook his head. His tone of voice became audibly peculiar, as though he were becoming worked up in a way AI couldn't, probably only for her benefit. "I was the first to feel the Crucible working. I was the first to understand organics. And I was the first to see and understand the pain in those you saved. All over the galaxy – you burned all over the galaxy. A reason. And a lot of people cried out when the fire went out. And I heard. Jane Shepard, I understood things I'd never imagined – realized why you did not simply choose to destroy the reapers, how you proved me wrong – your existence is as recent for me as an intake of breath, and you see farther than I ever have while comparatively blind. I truly did not think you would choose to merge all life. I did not see how any organic would not react instinctively when presented with a threat. It's how you evolve. But you did – by giving yourself up no less. All the things I didn't understand. Things no one is meant to understand. And I did not think you deserved to die after that. I did not think those who loved you deserved to go on without you after that. More importantly, I did not think the galaxy was ready to lose you after that."

She watched him carefully, but he still wouldn't look at her. "Sometimes we don't get what we deserve, what we need, or what we're ready for," she said softly, as though speaking to an actual young boy. "Sometimes we have to make hard choices. There are reasons for that kind of loss. You understand that. Life goes on."

"Yes. I'm the first person to understand sacrifice, even if you've disagreed with my methods. And there's wisdom in that. But there are other kinds of wisdom. Which I grew to understand when you activated the Crucible. To make hard choices and achieve favorable outcomes, you are needed. I made a decision I could never have made before, because I could. Time isn't linear. And so here we are." That barely made sense and yet it settled in her stomach like a stone.

She looked away from him to try and sort out her thoughts. "But – what changed? The Crucible will still have to be activated." A thought occurred to her, and she rounded on him. "You did not bring me back here so I could send someone else to die instead. Or just die all over again," her voice caught a little as she added that, but she quickly turned it back to steel.

"No." He stood. "The catalyst is primed. I brought you back with me. Through it. This time – you would not have to die. Besides, no one else would have worked. It had to be you. Your energy, your essence. No one else would have your vision."

She didn't really understand and didn't ask him to elaborate.

"Oh." Stunned, she stood, a little bit in a daze, and grabbed a cup of whatever alcoholic drink Anderson had in there. "So – I could just – get the Council to build it, and-" She cut herself off. "What am I saying, last time I had proof and they told me to shove it." If she went to them screaming time-travel, they might actually court-martial her this time.

"Perhaps if you bring them the threat but also the solution at the same time, they will be more receptive."

She turned back to the boy, speculative. "You think they ignored my warnings because they were scared?"

"I don't. You do. Organic politics are still as complex as ever."

Shepard snorted. Then an idea occurred to her. "Wait, but you - the reapers. You could have them not destroy half the galaxy this time, couldn't you?"

"I'm mostly in your head."

"Are you serious?"

"Very much."

She hesitated. "Is there another you out there?"

He didn't smile, but for some reason, Shepard thought he wanted to. "The concept of my existence is not for your comprehension."

"Course not." She downed the drink. "Do-over. What?" she muttered to herself, pouring some more.

"If there is nothing else, I will destroy myself now," he announced flatly.

"What?!"

He shrugged at her, and that was such an inadequate response that she downed the second cup too.

"You're just going to leave me alone here – like – like – here's some years back, fix it?!" She was sputtering and subpar on her usual level of eloquence but her defense was time-travel.

"You will not be alone." He frowned. "You are surrounded by your friends."

"My- These aren't my friends! These people barely know my name!"

The boy looked taken aback for the first time. "I see," he said thoughtfully.

She pressed a hand to her forehead and tried to hold her own mind together, physically if need be. "That's not-"

"You and those you kept close," he repeated himself from before. Shepard struggled to remember the context in which he'd said it. "I have a solution."

Her head snapped up in alarm but the boy had disappeared. She stood up and before she had time to begin dread-speculating, there was a knock at the door.

"J- Shep- Commander?" a voice called shakily.

She opened the door and there, that, she recognized. His eyes were heavy, his cheeks drained of color, but the way he looked at her was exactly as she remembered it.

"Kaidan," she sighed.

"Oh, wow, so I'm not insane. That's good to know." He walked in without preamble and she locked the door behind him. That would make for good gossip.

"Debatable," she muttered.

"Shepard, please - I'm two seconds away from losing it." He looked it too, stiff and wearing a hole into the floor.

"You're telling me. A few hours ago, you were suddenly back to tripping over your own feet right in front of me."

"Oh, this is funny then. I'm guessing you know exactly what's going on and have control over all of it?"

"Yeah, no."

"Then don't be funny." She was about to open her mouth in offense when he whirled around, eyes wide, and the words got stuck in her throat. "You were dead."

She sat down on the bed, dragged him with her and kept his hand. "I know."

"Shit."

She tightened her hold on him and he closed his eyes. "I'm okay; we're – you're - we're okay."

"How?" he croaked.

She shook her head. "I think I– it's a long story."

"Please."

There couldn't be much debate after that, so she nodded. "I went down not long after I got you and EDI to the Normandy. When I woke up, I was barely able to get to the Citadel."

He nodded without speaking and pulled her closer. "You used the Crucible. But not – not the way we'd thought," he said, his tone an attempt at calm but barely containing his distress.

"Right. I – merged organic and synthetic life."

"Okay," he said slowly. "I think you're gonna have to elaborate a bit."

"Apparently, the reapers are someone's solution for a problem that every civilization of intelligent life has had forever, of which there have been many, clearly."

"Who's someone?"

"I don't know. All I know is they have a bad case of omnipresence. Or they're God. Or playing one."

"You're not religious."

"I'm not anything at this point. Whatever I know, someone else knows more. I'm not sure how much of a joke all this is to them."

There was a minute of silence, but eventually it dawned on him that there wasn't a way to process that kind of statement. "This is a little over my head."

"You're telling me." This time it was Kaidan who reached for the alcohol.

"So – the solution for a problem. Do I wanna know what kind of problem has that kind of solution?"

"Yeah. Apparently, there's a pattern. Organics evolve. Develop technology. Take over the galaxy. And then, they create synthetic life. And then we destroy each other. Or maybe that's a little optimistic. I think the truth as I understood it is we threaten the synthetics into destroying us out of self-preservation. The solution is to – destroy organics first? Preserve them in reaper form."

For a long moment, there was silence. "That's bullshit," was Kaidan's conclusion.

"Yeah." She hesitated. "But it's got a point." He turned to her incredulously. "Not the solution. The solution isn't a solution. But if they say it always ends the same way, I'll believe them. They've clearly been around for a while. I believe they've seen a pattern. I believe – I believe it's always ended in self-destruction, and I believe they thought the reapers saved the knowledge of those civilizations before they disappeared." She realized something. "They're AI. That is a solution to them." It was why the boy had changed his mind, she concluded. He understood organics. She shook her head.

"What you reject is the idea that we'd end the same way," Kaidan summarized cleverly.

"Damn right." She stood up restlessly. The sudden influx of impulsive emotion came with flashes of images and thoughts and prayers that sucker-punched the breath out of her, and reminded her why instinct told her to always pick fight when flight was a broken promise. "I won't give up. I solved the conflict between the quarians and the geth. I saved the geth. I struck a compromise between the krogan and the turians, and I fixed the genophage. And I know, I'll never forget what everyone lost and sacrificed for it. So I'll be damned if anyone tells me peace is impossible, that it was for nothing, that things can't be fixed. Things will be fixed, and all it takes is a little faith, perseverance, a shit ton of effort and the right people around. And I found those, and it worked once. It'll work again," she vowed.

"Hope. Yes, ma'am," Kaidan saluted, a small smile on his lips, even through his frown. "You've definitely worked with worse odds, I'll give you that. But uh, can we get back to the part where you have to do it again? The part where we're three years behind schedule, I mean."

She sat down again, cup back in her hand. "Right." She took a deep breath. "So, I know all this because some sort of entity – AI – appeared to me when I got to the Crucible. He – it – he said he was a manifestation of the reapers' intelligence."

"… He was this 'God'?"

"No, I don't think so. Just the intelligence they created to deal with the synthetic-organic problem."

"And – what did he do?" Kaidan paused. "And by the way, 'he'? He looked like a man?"

"A boy," she murmured. "A little boy."

Kaidan met her eyes and squeezed her hand. He didn't press further. "So what did he do?"

Shepard shook her head. "He – he saved me. He said he understood organics when I threw myse- when I made my choice. And that it made him want to – give me another chance. Came here with me to explain all this. Then told me he had a solution to the fact that he'd dropped me here alone with three years of memories I shouldn't have and that no one else here does. And then you walked in."

"You threw yourself-?" Kaidan shut his mouth at her uneasy glare and cleared his throat. His grip on her had tightened. "He – gained feelings?"

"I think – the synthetic equivalent, at least."

Kaidan pondered that in silence for a moment. "EDI hugged Joker when we crash-landed the Normandy unscathed. And – and she hugged me too when I put your name up on the Memorial Wall."

She inhaled sharply, surprised at how moved she was at that. "Oh," she said lamely, unable to express anything.

"We're getting EDI back, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah." She nodded vigorously. "I – don't know how yet, but we will."

"She was Cerberus'," Kaidan realized.

"She was Alliance first," Shepard corrected firmly. "Remember the rogue VI on Luna?"

"But – the reaper tech they added – she wouldn't know-?"

"Are you sure?" She was thinking. "You do."

Kaidan stared at her for a moment. "Are you saying more people will know what happened?"

"The boy didn't specify, but – he spoke in plural. We need to contact Tali and Garrus. And hurry to find Liara. Grunt hasn't even been created yet. Maybe Miranda, Mordin, Jack, Wrex, I – I don't know how many."

As if on cue, there was harried knocking on her door. "Uh – Shepard? Commander? Shit, Commander Shepard?"

Joker was going to be shit at keeping this secret.