SNOW WHITE, NO BRAIN- A PARODY
The Seven Dwarfs' cottage. A grotesque old Hag limps up the path, a basket of apples over her arm. She chuckles maliciously to herself
HAG - These poisoned apples will finish her for good. We'll see who's the fairest of them all.
From within the cottage, we hear a lovely voice singing "Low."
SNOW WHITE - "Shorty got them apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur... the whole club was lookin' at her... next thing you know... she hit the flo'... shorty got low, low-
The Hag knocks at the door, the singing stops, and Snow White answers the door. She is exquisitely lovely- with fair skin, blood-red lips and black hair- but certainly not the most intelligent maiden in the land.
SNOW WHITE - (frightened) Oh!
HAG - Good morning, dear. Are you all right?
SNOW WHITE - Oh, yes- you just had me scared for a minute. I thought my wicked stepmother had come to try to kill me.
HAG - You don't say!
SNOW WHITE - Fortunately, you're much uglier than she is.
Snow White laughs gaily. The Hag is not amused.
HAG - Yes, that is fortunate. Are the dwarfs at home just now?
SNOW WHITE - (cheerfully) Oh, no. I'm here by myself, quite alone. There's no one around for miles, except us two.
HAG - Excellent. In that case, would you care for an apple?
The Hag offers a bright red apple. It glows in the sunlight. Snow White's eyes widen with delight
SNOW WHITE - It's so beautiful, and... shiny.
HAG - It's a wishing apple. I'll give it to you as a gift. All you need is one bite.
Snow White takes the apple, and closes her eyes to make a wish.
SNOW WHITE - I wish that someday, my Prince will come...
The Hag rolls her eyes- this is typical.
SNOW WHITE - ...and show me how to put together my Ikea furniture.
She bites into it, and we see the Hag's face light up with apprehension. Snow White begins to sway, as if about to faint... but quickly bobs back up.
SNOW WHITE - (Her mouth filled with apple) Mmm... Mmmmm!
The Hag looks incredulous- evidently, the apple is delicious. Snow White takes enormous, un-ladylike bites and continues to speak, bits of apple spewing from her mouth
SNOW WHITE - Oh my God, thish is shooooo good.
HAG - (shocked) Oh- you... like it?
SNOW WHITE - Do I ever. (Spewing apple again) Do you want shome?
The Hag wipes a piece of chewed apple from her cheek, chuckling at the display.
HAG - No, dear.
SNOW WHITE - Are you sure?
HAG - Quite.
Snow White has nearly finished the apple by now, and crams the entire core into her mouth, still moaning with ecstasy. The Hag stares, not sure what to think. Snow White begins to sway again... she clutches her stomach...
SNOW WHITE - I feel so... so...
HAG - (Getting excited) Yes- Yes?
SNOW WHITE - Do you have any more?
The Hag gasps- this is definitely not the response she had expected.
HAG - Are you sure you don't feel a little... sleepy? Sick, perhaps?
SNOW WHITE - No, I'm just hungry. How much do you want for them?
HAG - What?
SNOW WHITE - The apples. I want seven more.
HAG - Oh, of course. For the dwarves?
SNOW WHITE - (blankly) No.
HAG - ...All right then. (Considers) If you happen to have a knife, I'll take it gladly.
SNOW WHITE - Well, if that's what you want.
She leaves into the cottage, and returns, smiling, with a knife, giving it to the Hag
SNOW WHITE - (Innocently) If you don't mind my asking, why do you want a-?
The Hag briskly stabs Snow White in the chest. Snow White dies. For good measure, the Hag crams another apple into Snow White's mouth, and stalks off, muttering to herself.
END
