Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story; they belong to the illustrious J.K. Rowling. The plot (if it can be called that) alone is mine. I can't even take credit for this story's title, as it's clearly borrowed (slightly modified, of course) from Lemony Snicket. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made by my writing this. That said, I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 1 – The Plot

I want to fuck him. Hard. I want to hear him screaming my name, the sound of it like poetry from his pretty lips. I've thought about this before, sure. I don't even know how many times I've jacked myself off to a fantasy of his dick buried in me, his hips thrusting full throttle, in and out, in and out. Has to have been at least a hundred. Maybe more. Of course, sometimes our roles are reversed. Merlin, just thinking of it now has made me hard. Hang on a second; I'll be right back. I, uh, have to go to the bathroom. Yeah, that's it.

Aahhhh, much better… oh!… you're still here… right! Well, as I was saying, uh, yeah, I've thought about fucking Potter before, and of course, being fucked by Potter. But that doesn't mean it'll happen. I want it to. Merlin knows how I want it to. But it'll never happen. He'd never give himself to me that way. Nor would he ever give even a second's thought to taking me in that way. Though is it really 'taking me' if I give myself freely? Doesn't matter, I suppose. Point is, Potter wouldn't ever even think about me with any feeling other than intense dislike. After all, it's a rare occurrence indeed when two fierce rivals both call an end to the bitter fights and scuffles and give in to love. Or lust. Or whatever the hell this is. In any case, I'm certainly ready to do it, but I can tell he would never. Hell, I don't even think he's gay. Even if he were, though, I certainly wouldn't be on the top of his 'to fuck' list.

Wait, what was that you just said? How did I come to feel this way for him? Maybe I could push him down the same path, towards having similar feelings for me? Hmmm…I like your thinking. You might just be on to something here. Let me give this a little thought. Yes, that definitely has potential. Huh? Oh, you want to hear the whole story of my 180 degree turn from intense rivalry and feelings of dislike (I refuse to call it hatred, because I never really did hate the boy… how could I possibly hate someone so incredibly sexy and alluring, even if he did rather rudely turn down my offer of friendship first year?) to feelings of actual love (cuz yeah, I could try to deny it all night and just call it lust, but I'd be lying… I know it and you know it) – a feeling no Malfoy is ever supposed to experience in the first place? Fine. I'll tell you. But you may want to grab some popcorn or something, and you'll definitely want to have a seat. This could take a while to properly explain. Like I said earlier, it's no common feat for a person to come to actually love – deeply love – his or her archrival.

All right then. Comfortable? Got your food and/or drink if you want it? Good. Our tale today begins four years ago, back in my sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

'Twas September first and I, along with the entire school population, including the new first years (I swear I wasn't possibly that small when I was in first year!), was filling my stomach to the brim with delicious food and drink prepared by the house elves. I wish the house elves at the Manor could cook that well! But I digress. Stop me next time I start to say little things off subject like that, will you? Otherwise this story will take forever to tell! Ok, where was I? Oh yes, the Welcoming Feast, Great Hall. Gotcha.

All right, well, Potter and his cronies Granger and the Weasel were each doing what they do best (looking delightfully edible himself, studying, and looking confused, respectively) over at the Gryffindork table. What's that? I can't call them Gryffindorks anymore just because I want to fuck one of them senseless? Says who? Well I hardly think you are the authority on what I can and can't do. Now if you don't mind, I was trying to tell a story. One that you practically begged me to tell, I might add. May I continue? Thank you.

Right, well, as the feast drew to an end, and Dumbledore stood up to dismiss us, I happened to sneak a glance over at the Gryffindork table, at one particular black haired, green eyed Wonder Boy. He happened to look back toward me at the same moment. And the sneer that usually came to my face anytime such a thing happened was nowhere to be found. I mean, I looked for it, but it had just up and vanished. I swear I have no idea where it went, but it hasn't been seen since. So if you should happen upon a sneer anywhere that you think might belong to me, please do let me know. I'd really like it back. I rather miss it. It was such a vital piece of me for five long years at Hogwarts, and ten at the Manor before that. Well, ok, maybe not ten. I doubt I had that sneer when I was born, but you get the picture. Wait a minute! Ugh!! I thought I told you to stop me the next time I went off on a tangent like that!! What?! Cute? How dare you call me cute? 'Cute' is a word reserved for little children and kittens and the like… not for Malfoys. Do I look like a little child or a kitten to you? Damn right I don't. Yeah, I guess I'll let it slide this once, but Merlin help you if you ever slip up like that again. Malfoys aren't known for their quickness to forgive, after all. And we are known for our vast knowledge of dark curses. Yeah, just thought I'd remind you. You're welcome.

Anyway, moving on. Yeah, so the sneer was AWOL (I really want it back dammit!), and Potter, of course, noticed this little fact. But I'm sure he didn't take it for what it actually meant. I can say that with confidence because I wasn't even aware of what it actually meant until later that week. Throughout the next few days, any time I saw the blasted boy, I just melted. I was actually a bit concerned at first, really. I mean, Malfoys don't swoon. It wasn't exactly a feeling I was familiar with. So naturally, I was a touch worried. I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from here, no?

Right, well anyway, that first weekend spent back at school consisted mainly of my sleeping as much as my body would allow, for in the dreams that came to me, Potter was doing deliciously devilish things to me in my bed. And I to him. I decided then and there that I was falling for him. There could be no other way of explaining the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of those dreams, no matter what he and I did in them. And let me tell you, if the real life Potter is anything like my dream-Potter (and personally, I really hope he is!), then the world knows very little of the true Boy-Who-Lived. He's a damn kinky bastard! I like that.

Now all this probably just makes it sound like sixth year changed who I was. But I don't see it that way. No, I figure I was always pining over the boy, ever since that day at Madam Malkin's, before I even knew who he was. His simple beauty entranced me even then, and has never let me go since. It's just that my father forced me to keep a mask over my emotions, so I pretended to be an asshole to Potter, for fear of Lucius discovering my true feelings for the Boy-Who-Refuses-to-Die. Potter is a thorn in Voldemort's side…the only one, in fact, strong enough to pierce that thick hide of his, stabbing him deeply and aggravating him far more than anyone else has ever managed. And of course, anyone who aggravates Old Voldie pisses the hell out of my old man! And Lucius's wrath is not something you want to face the brunt of, believe you me.

Where was I? Oh, right. Yeah, I realize now that I've pretty much wanted to bed Potter ever since I first saw him. It just took some rather suggestive dreams to drive that knowledge home. And once it finally was driven home, I pondered it endlessly, trying desperately to discover a way to make my desire a reality. For four years none came to me. But now you've come along and mentioned sending Potter down the same path I took. I can't believe I never thought of that! Huh? Yeah, yeah, I'm getting there. How 'bout you let me tell the story here, huh? How 'bout that? Impatient arsehole…

All right, well as far as getting someone to travel the road to desire that I took, there are no problems whatsoever. You see, I'm a rather gifted Potions Master (I could've taken the job from Snape in my third year), so I'll have little trouble in brewing a potion to induce sweet and sexy dreams of yours truly in the drinker's sleep. The only challenge in your admittedly brilliant plan is making sure that the drinker is Potter. Wouldn't want to make a mistake in the delivery of the potion and have some Hufflepuff chasing after me or something. Or worse – the Weasel. Merlin, that would be horrible!!! Ugh… I shudder to even think about it! That's sick!!!

So Ms. Genius, any ideas as to how we can make sure Potter's the only one who imbibes the draught I shall brew? No? Well what the hell use are you to me now then? Why are you still here? You've heard the story you so desperately wanted to hear, and you've given me an idea as to how to make Harry want me, but you can't give me a foolproof way to carry it out… so you're of no further use to me. Get lost so I can brew this potion in peace. And don't come back until you've thought of a way to deliver it to Potter and only to Potter. Thank you.

Four Hours Later

::Knock knock knock::

Who the hell is it?!?! Oh, it's you. I told you not to come back until you had figured out how to ensure that Potter's the only one who even has the opportunity to drink this. You'd better have thought of something. If you're interrupting me from my brewing for no reason, you can kiss your arse goodbye, 'cause you're as good as dead. Remember that warning I gave you about Malfoy's knowing a wide variety of dark cur…? Oh, you have found a way to do it? Lucky you. You don't have to pay for your insubordination. Ok, let's hear it. Come on now… out with it.

Hmmm… you know, that's not a half bad idea. Thank you very much for your assistance in this matter. If the plan works, you shall be justly compensated for your advice. If it fails, you shall be justly punished. Agreed? What's that? Yes, my friend, you're responsible either way. Surely you have enough faith in your own plan to go forward with it. Because remember, as long as it works, not only do you not get punished, but you'll be paid generously for your services. We Malfoys are notoriously wealthy, after all. That's right. Now if you're quite done here, be on your way. I've still got to finish this potion. It'll take another twelve hours or so. I shall call on you when I need your services for the delivery. Yes. Thank you. Now go!

Roughly Twelve Hours Later

Oh, I can't wait to see how this works out! This ought to be good! Annnnd… ah ha! There! The last ingredient added. Now we wait fifteen minutes for it to cool, and then voila… it'll be ready!

Now hmmm… what to do for fifteen minutes? Ah! I have an idea. Excuse me, will you fair reader? I think I'd rather enjoy some alone time, if you know what I mean. Come back in a little bit. Thanks.

::sated sigh:: Aahhhh, well that was thoroughly enjoyable… did you have fun while I was gone? No?! Well what the hell did you do to pass the time? Ha! You should've done the same thing I did. I bet you'd have enjoyed the time much more if you had. Oh well though. Your loss. I had a good time anyway. Now hang on just one more minute while I go call my faithful servant back.

All right, well, she's on her way back. ::Knock knock:: Ah, that'll be her now. Though wait a second… how'd she get here so fast? Well, I suppose she does only live two houses up the street, so it's not exactly a long commute. Ok, I'm gonna go deal with her… why don't you join us? No? You'd rather "enjoy yourself" now since you didn't think of it before? All right, but be quick about it. I'll be back soon and that's not something I need to witness.

Hey, you done yet? 'Cause I'm done dealing with her. She's off delivering the potion now. I wonder how many nights it'll take before Potter decides to act on his dreams. Hopefully not many… I'd really like to conquer him soon! Ooh, I'll be right back. The phone is ringing.

Hey, good news! Potter's already taken the potion. Damn, my assistant's good! I'll have to pay her well this time. All right. Looks like my work today is done. The plot is complete. Now, I just sit back, wait, and fantasize about what I'm gonna do to that boy when he comes a-knockin'. Well? What're you still here for? Move along, nothing to see here! I'm not the type that lets people watch me get myself off. Get outta here. Tell you what… if you leave me alone now, I'll get in touch with you after Potter comes over and I'll recount the whole experience for you. Ha! Knew you'd find that agreeable. Ok… get a move on! I'll talk to you later. So long for now.

A/N: I won't have author's notes at the end of every chapter, cuz I find it rather annoying myself when I read a story that does. But I wanted to put one here to assure any of you who have read this before, that I am the same person who posted it the first time… I just had to give up that penname for personal reasons. And my other reason for this A/N is to thank nat rulz (check out her stuff on this site… she's in my fave author's list) for convincing me to re-post this. If you like it, you ought to thank her too, cuz without her, it wouldn't be here to read. And I hope you did like it! Four more chapters to go! Read on. Adrien