There are three things I know about myself. I would gladly die for any of my siblings. I am invisible and I matter the least, to everyone around me.
All my life I have been taught to do my duty, kill demons and listen to the Clave. I kill without hesitation and do the Clave's bidding because I understand that it is my life's purpose. My mother and father need me to be the best, to run the institute and to uphold our family name. The Lightwoods would be synonymous with hard work and integrity. It has been my duty to do so from the time I was born. I used to envy other children who received affection so openly from their parents. I never did. My parents were molding me to be a leader and that meant I could not afford to have a weakness.
'Love is a weakness', my mother used to say. I believed her but I also could not deny that I loved Isabelle and later on Max when he came along. Somehow it was acceptable to love them. It was natural and perfectly normal. Isabelle did not understand the world we lived in like I did. She would come to me for hugs as a child, demand that I play with her and I could never say no to her. I wanted to protect this little girl from all harm. She was the source of my happiness. I knew it was not going to be long before she too started training and then she would learn of the ugliness that made up the world.
She was a gifted Shadowhunter. She did not have to train as hard as me to be good at what she did and I was glad for it. It meant that when we went out on hunts she would be able to take care of herself. We trained together, helping each other out. Somehow she managed to retain the happiness that I adore most about her. She saw the world for what it was and still managed to see the beauty in it. She was the joy I desperately needed.
All notion of being normal went out of the window the moment I met Jace Wayland. He was supposed to be a brother. Mother and father took him in because he was an orphan. We trained together and lived together. He became a part of our family. For the longest time, I could not explain what I felt for him. It was wrong. He was a boy, as was I, and yet I found myself attracted to him. It was so confusing. I knew then that something was so wrong with me. There had to be. No one had ever spoken about two boys being together, romantically. It just did not happen.
One night I gave up calling myself names and hating myself. I looked up boys being together. I expected to find nothing, maybe a doctor who could help with my perversions but nothing more. I was shocked to find out that there were others like me. There were pictures and videos. They were intriguing. It was as though someone had looked inside my mind and created all this content. I was conflicted now, I knew this was wrong but I could not stop my body from reacting to this visual.
That night I touched myself for the first time, in the darkness of my room I allowed my perversions to guide me as I brought myself to a blissful peak. The moment the haze of pleasure cleared, I felt a deep shame in my actions. I knew right then I would not allow myself to do this again. My shame intensified every time I saw Jace. My feelings for him were wrong; I need to get rid of them. I just did not know how. So I poured my soul into training, making myself better than ever. I sparred with everyone, embracing the pain. I needed to be punished for thinking these thoughts.
When Jace asked me to be his parabatai, it was the happiest day of my life. I was to be soul bound to him forever. I accept it quickly. Later I regretted this. My feelings for him were bad without even sharing a soul, now they would probably get worse. Once the ritual was over I knew that this was either the best thing or the worst thing to have happened to me.
Jace and Izzy still spent most of their free time with me. We would do little things like watch movies together or play games. It was the only fun I ever had. All this was of course, another type of torture because of my unresolved feelings for Jace. Then Max came along and there was yet another person I would die for. He was helpless. So small and fragile. I knew I loved him the moment I saw him. I vowed to be the best big brother and to protect him from any danger. I knew deep down there was only so much that I could do. He had been born into one of the most dangerous places. He too will one day train to kill demons and put his life at risk.
Max's arrival also marked the change of an era. Izzy and Jace changed. They started sneaking out of the institute for parties. They'd return early in the mornings sometimes drunk, other times just exhausted. They no longer had as much time for me. I was alone most of the time. I wanted to go out there but there was so much work to be done at the institute. So I stayed back and did it instead. I covered for them when they were out and even the next morning if they were hungover. I always told them to be careful. Mother and father had realized what was going on but did not say anything because they knew I had it under control.
Things changed yet again when they started sneaking out to go on dates. I knew this was normal, but I still was not happy about it. I did not trust the guys Izzy went out with. Downworlder's could not be trusted. She would tell me about her dates despite knowing I had my reservations. She was my little sister and I could not even begin to imagine her holding hands with some guy, let alone kissing him. She spared no detail, explaining what the boys had said and done and what she had done. I envied her confidence. Unbeknownst to her, I soaked up every detail about the guys. I would never experience that so I allowed myself to live a little, vicariously through her.
Jace did the same, which hurt more than I could ever admit to myself. When Jace came home early one morning after going back with a girl from the party he and Izzy attended, I felt my heart break. I listened to him talk about how amazing the night was, confirming that he would never feel the way I felt about him. Izzy came to me later to ask if I was alright. I lied about a headache and she left. I could tell she did not believe me but it wasn't like I could tell her the truth either. Not long after that she too came home with a story of her own. She had been with a Seelie. He was handsome and claimed to love her. She told me she did not love him, but she did want him. She seemed a little different that night. She woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if she could sleep with me.
It was strange. Neither Jace nor Izzy had slept with me in years. They used to like it before we all grew too old. She hugged me so tight, I knew something was wrong. I asked her about it but she did not seem very willing to speak. She needed me to be there for her and I was. Later she told me that she had not been expecting to feel as vulnerable as she did. After that night she emerged stronger somehow. As time went by the number of both Jace's bedmates and Izzy's slowly increased. It seemed like they had both found a new hobby. No one ever stuck around for too long. I could not decide if that was a good or bad thing. It never affected the work they did and I never found it my place to say anything.
My siblings were adults who had the right to share their bodies with whoever they wanted, hell even I was. If only I could get over the shame I felt for only wanting other guys. One night I decided to sneak out after both Izzy and Jace had gone to bed. It was dangerous and stupid to leave the institute with informing anyone. Things were so tense with mother and father expecting more from me than I felt I could ever give. Whenever Jace and Izzy came back they were always relaxed and in a good mood. I need some of that tonight. I made my way to the club they frequented, ordered myself a drink and just sat there in the darkened room with too loud music. I noticed a couple of girls giggling in my general direction.
I felt even more awkward now. I had no idea what to do. Do I smile? Or worse still did they know? Suddenly I was filled with paranoia. I never left the institute much, unless it was for work. I never met many people. Was it obvious that I preferred men over women? Did they know? Did they find me repulsive? I knew I was but I had really hoped no one would realize. A brunette approached me. She was short and pale. Her eyes green. She started talking to. I got the impression she was flirting. I had seen Izzy and Jace do it before both for work and in their own time. I did not know how to. I never learnt.
So I tried to reply all her questions as earnestly as possible. I felt her hands on my mine and I did not like the feeling of it. I let them stay there. This was normal. I could be normal for one night. Then he hands were on my thighs and I could feel her legs rubbing gently against mine. Her hands seemed to be headed north. The panic attack, that had been on the horizon from the moment she walked over intensified. I was already stammering, now I could hardly breathe. For some reason she took that as an invitation to come closer. Not knowing what to do anymore and not being able to stand how wrong this all felt I stood up. I saw her confusion, apologized really quickly and left.
I stood outside the club, the cold air helping me regain some calm. It was horrible. The feeling of her body against mine was not good. It was supposed to feel good right? Jace seemed to enjoy it. Izzy did too. They always spoke about how good it felt to be touched and to touch. I thought it was strange. I definitely did not enjoy it and I did not want to do it again. I knew I would have some time in the future, mother and father had made it very clear that they will chose a bride for me when the time was right. Just the thought of having to do the same thing and even more made me want to throw up.
I thought to myself that maybe I wouldn't even live long even for that to happen. It was no secret that shadowhunters died young. Many would not even see their forties; after all we led a risky life. Yeah, I might not make it I thought. Once again the thought of death was a comfort for me. I made my way back to the institute ready to sleep and forget that this day had even happen. Life went on just fine until Clary came along. She disrupted our dynamic as team and distracted Jace. I could hardly recognize him. He was always reckless and impulsive but this was worse.
Of course, I could not allow him to go into any type of danger alone so I followed him and did my duty. I would still gladly lay my life down for his. We broke rules and wrecked havoc. As a result the Clave became aware of our activities. I knew it was bad. It was the opposite of what our parents had asked of us. I knew there would be consequences I just hoped we would be strong enough to face to face them. The storm named Clary did not come alone. She brought her mundane sidekick with her and we were supposed to babysit him. He did not do as he was told; in fact he had gotten himself kidnapped by the vampires. It was annoying having to deal with a whiny little girl because her bestie had gotten kidnapped and on top of that still find the Mortal Cup.
On one occasion they had set up a meeting with Magnus Bane at a rave. Nothing about that plan was wise. We knew nothing about the warlock other than he was more powerful than the silent brothers. If we weren't in such a hurry that day I may have taken more time to appreciate that. They found Magnus quickly and I was told to blend in. Like I ever would in such a place. So I do what I do best. Find a way to protect them without them realizing.
Magnus was stunning. That was my first thought when I saw him. He was dressed to impress. He looked like he could grace the covers of one of Izzy's fashion magazines. Kohl rimmed eyes and those beautifully plump lips were perhaps the two most outstanding features on his face. I almost missed that a man was getting ready to attack him because of how attractive he was. Later I got mad at Jace for taking such a huge risk. I was mad but not only at Jace, at myself too. I allowed myself to be distracted and that could have gotten Jace hurt worse still, killed. I could never live with that. If anyone had to die on a mission it would be me. I was the expandable on.
Later we caught up with Magnus. We spoke briefly. Well, he spoke and I stuttered through the conversation. It was so embarrassing. I felt laid bare when he looked at me. It's like he saw through me. For the first time I had met someone who seemed interested in me as a person, not just a soldier who had order to follow.
It was crazy. I was seeing something that was not there. Why was this happening to me? So what if I found him attractive, it didn't mean a thing. I should have learnt lesson with Jace. I spent the rest of the time not meeting Magnus' gaze. It was embarrassing. Of course, he made things very hard by singling me out. He was friendly or was that flirty? Izzy looked amused and Jace seemed annoyed. This was so confusing. What was happening?
