Seeing you again
I'm not sure which hell is worse. The one I lived amongst the living or the one where I can do nothing but watch my family. I was tormented by her. My husband's mother. I was tormented by my husband's indiscretions. He could never keep his damn dick in his pants. But somehow, by some luck for him, I stayed.
I didn't know anything else besides him. The love we hold together was too strong. It pulled me back. Even in the end. When I finally was able to hold my own, keep my chin up and stand tall against him, his mother and his curse of a club. I did what no woman should ever do to her husband. But I settled the score.
It was never about give or take in our relationship. It was all about the love we shared. But he was poison. I could blame living in the town all I wanted. But in reality I knew it was because of the club, his mother and the man I loved deeply. He's a serpent. That I can promise you. He is the male version a fucking siren. And I was the fool to be hypnotized by his looks.
Actually, that's a lie.
He was a good man. With an incredibly big heart. But oh man did this man love to share his love.
I sit alone in this cloudy mist watching. Nothing to do but watch. I am very limited here in this new place. I am only allowed to watch. Not allowed to touch or create havoc in the world I was once apart of.
I watch as she creates a biggest lie she has ever told about my murder. Fucking conniving heinous bitch. I hate her. And the worst part is, just like her son, I love her as well. But also that love is limited. She was never to be trusted entirely. You want to talk about serpents? That mythological term must have been derived from her.
I never understood how a woman who felt so strong about family bonds could do this.
She was never in a right state of mind. She was clouded by her foggy judgment.
When I first arrived here I was in disbelief. I was not willing to accept my place here. So in turn, I was condemned to relive my final moments. The iron hitting against my ribs knocking the air out of my lungs. She punched me. Grabbed me by my hair, threw my head against the sink. The amount of pain I felt was unbearable. But what came next was indescribable. She put my head under a sink filled with dirty water holding me down. I tried fighting. But the pain in my ribs causing me to be short of breath from the start, my head pounding from where she made my head clash against the sink and now. Now I'm being forced to drown. She felt me fighting and it only enraged her more. She grabbed a carving fork. Something I was reaching around for to hurt her. Get her to back off. She stabbed me multiple times in the back of my skull. And then it goes black.
It took time until I have had enough torture. I needed to accept the fate I was dealt with. When I did I finally saw all the lives lost before mine surrounding me.
My mother. God how I missed her. Her death changed everything from me. My father became idled. He left me alone. Drinking and smoking away his sorrows. Our reunion was epic. I cried in their arms for what felt like an eternity. And then I felt heavy hands on my back. I turn around to see a bearded man attached with a very small woman. It was Opie and Donna. I couldn't have been more relieved to see Opie again. He was always there to help me keep my husband in his true north.
And then I am frightened to see a man that resembled my husband entirely. But it is not him. This man has a darker hair color. John Teller. The most wonderful man I have met. He was side by side with Piney Winston. Another god's gift in my life.
"I'm really sorry this happened to ya darling." Piney states with sorrow in his voice. He embraces me.
I look into the eyes of a man. No longer reeking of pain. He seems happy. Only when he looks at me his eyes pour out the empathy to me.
"I'm sorry." John says to me. He walks towards me and envelopes me into his arms. He is patting my hair. "This should not have happened. I appreciate everything you have done for him. For my grandsons." He looks into my eyes. His eyes grow a bit darker. "She will get what she deserves. I promise."
I look deep into his eyes. I nod my head trying to place my faith into him. John Teller was a wonderful man. He died trying to save everything he feared for his son. The only one left standing. Barely standing I should say.
I turn away from John and the other when I hear voice coming from below us. It's him. My husband. Creating all kinds of horror.
I see the deaths growing. One by one. And then one night our hearts all stop by the death of a man that was tortured before he met his fate. We wait for him to join us. When he does he is asleep. All his wounds have been healed. He was given back his eye, his fingers and his jaw was fixed. Bobby Munson.
He awakes to his afterlife. You can see he is pleased with it. He is surrounded by his brothers. Bobby finally sees me. His eyes for the first time since he has come here have showed grief. He walks over to me holding out his arms. Bobby and I take a walk on this mist of cloud.
"Darlin, I have never been so happy to see you."
"I've missed you Bobby. And I'm so sorry this happened to you."
Bobby waves off his hand. "Ah. It's part of the life right?" He smiles and then becomes serious. "You should not have gone out the way you did. Do you remember who did it?"
I gulp down the truth I'm about to reveal. "Gemma."
Bobby is looking at me with wide eyes and caution.
I know the last time I put something horrible on Gemma it was a lie. But this. This is the truth. "She didn't know Jax was giving himself up in my place. She thought I ratted. She didn't say anything. She just walked in. She took one look at me. I went to run away. I could see it in her eyes. She was not to be messed with. But she caught up to me."
"It's true Bobby." Piney confirmed.
Bobby returns his gaze back to me. "I'm so sorry darlin"
"Nothing to be sorry for. I'm here now. Nothing I could do about it." I shrugged my shoulders.
I thought that has been itching at me needed to be brought to attention. "You told Wendy that Jax sees the love she still has for him and then told her he'll come around. Do you think they'll end up together?"
"Does it matter?" Bobby asks giving me a concerning look.
"I guess not" Again I shrug my shoulders. I begin to talk away when he grabs me.
"Would it be the worst thing in the world? I mean you did want her to be with your sons. Would you prefer someone else to be sleeping in his bed?"
I stood quiet contemplating this thought. "No. I wanted her to be there for my sons. Not to comfort my husband."
"Tara. He will always be yours. No one else. When you left for school and didn't return eleven years later, Jax was a mess. He blocked every woman out. He accepted Wendy because he was lonely. But he didn't love her. There was only one woman who held his heart completely. And it isn't Wendy. He may have love for her but it will never be the love you two shared. So again, is it really the worse option?"
"No." And I say this knowing that I knew this all along. I guess jealousy never dies.
I walk away to watch my broken family. Abel, my son, has turned away from Gemma. He has heard the truth right from her lips about my death. It fills my heart with warmth to know that he has turned from her as twisted as that may sound. I watch him talking to his kindergarten teacher. She sees the scratch on him and asks him who did it. She assures him that he will not be in trouble, only the person who did it. He asks her if the person would be in trouble with the police. And I am thrown back at his question. I have no idea where his mind is.
My poor baby, being crowded around porn stars and croweaters. Whores. Everywhere. And they surround my babies. I feel my blood boiling. But I feel better knowing that Wendy is doing what she can to keep them close. She honored my arrangements with Abel's education and I am grateful.
I watch Abel go into the bathroom stall. His little mind seems to be percolating something. He rolls up his sleeve and takes out his fork. He stares at it for a long moment. And the most imaginable thing happens. My five year old son is marking his skin. Blood. It's all I see and I am losing control. I am trying to reach him. To take the fork away from him. I want to scream. Opie picks me up from this cloudy area we seem to be stuck in.
"It's gonna be okay Tara." He rubs his hand through my hair.
"How can you say that! My son is harming himself! He is only FIVE YEARS OLD!" I yell at the top of my lungs. How can this be happening? Tears are staining my cheeks.
Days past. I watch my husband and Abel talk to one another. I am not angry that my husband told Wendy that she is his mother. He needed that. He needs a mother. And I am no longer there to fulfill that role anymore. I watch as Abel tells his father about what he heard his grandma, Gemma, tell Thomas. My heart races and pounds so hard I think it'll escape my chest. The next day, he goes to visit Juice. I listen as he confirms Abel's dark truth. My husband is reeking of pain. And I ache to comfort him. No man she experience the dark life he was dealt with.
And then it finally happens. The two people to blame for my death are murdered. At the hands of my loving husband. I almost wanted to stop him from killing his own mother. That is not how hands should be stained with. But she knew. She understood. She's dead.
We all gather around and wait for her body to return to us up here like everyone else has. We wait and wait. But..nothing. She doesn't come. Neither does Unser. We all look at each other in confusion. Where are they? Hours went by and still nothing. While the others wait, Opie and I sit side by side watching the rest of our families.
He says his goodbyes to Abel, Thomas and Wendy. I bite back my tongue when he tells her that he loves her. I almost ripped them apart when he laid with her in our bed. But then I remember this was her home before it was a home I shared with him. He speaks to Pamela. He tells her the truth about my death. He promises her that all the bad guys lose at the end of the day. I am in confusion until I see him. Killing Barosky, and killing Marks. He labels himself a murder out in the open. This is sloppy work. He wants to get caught. He says goodbye to his brothers. And then he is off riding on his father's bike. He talks to his father who has now joined us as he heard his sons words to him. He is caught by a cop and he flees. He is riding on the 580 interstate on his father's bike. And I fear what I feel is to come next. Multiple cars chase after my husband. As he turns on a curve we all watch as a semi-truck appears. And all our eyes meet knowing this is it. He lets go. His body clashed against the truck. And all I feared has come true. I see the blood pouring out of his body and I want to do is fix the damage.
Everyone taps my shoulder and walks away. I begin to call out to them asking them not to leave. But then I see his body appear up here and I understand why they all left. I need to be the one he sees first. My heart races as I wait for him to awaken. I'm nervous. It's been so long that I've been robbed of his touch. At first I didn't want his touch, but now. Now I crave it. But before I give in, I need to have words with him. My husband, Jackson Teller.
I watch as he stirs. His eyes start to flutter and I turn my back towards him. I sit in front of my husband and wait. Wait for his own hell to end until he accepts his fate here.
