"I'm going to go out on a limb here and say this wasn't you."

"Well, it isn't. That's kind of why I asked. What's up with it?"

"We might have to be worried about fallout, so I suggest you put the cleaver down."

Penn dropped the meat cleaver as well as a oriole the size of your fist could. The mission had been simple: go to the Middle Ages- except with various birds, and overthrow the evil king. The fact that they had zapped into an asylum proved a slight obstacle, but only a slight one. They might have passed a very pleasant evening, had they not noticed a very strange statue, which was around the time shit got real.

"You think it's radioactive or something?"

"No, I'm saying it might literally fall outward. Physics-defying objects are tricky like that. Is there anything particularly valuable in here?"

"Rippen, this is a castle."

"Great, so nothing. If some chicken so much as bumps it, it could rip the space around it. We'll probably have to blow it up somehow."

"Blow it up? No way, it could take down the whole building."

"It's either a tested, reliable method that involves beforehand evacuation, or a situation that could end in a black hole. Your choice."

The statue sat on its pedestal. Beneath it, there was a bronze plaque, with letters engraved almost too small to see:

I Know You're Going To Blow This Thing Up, You Kiddie Pool Bastards, Why Can't You Learn To Leave Well Enough Alone, Some Of Us Are Actually Trying To Protect People Instead Of Fucking Off To The Ends Of The Multiverse For Some Dick Measuring Contest, So Have Fun Destroying An Entire Structure That Probably Took Decades To Build With These Fucking Birds' Fucking Stubby-Ass Wings FOR THE GREATER GOOD, Or Whatever, While We're Over Here Actually Getting Shit Done, Jerks

by Manny Crawford

"Whoever this is, he can't be from here. Literally everyone here is named something like Eye-Eater or Disemboweler or Corn Chip."

"One of my knights' names is 'You With The Face.'"

"And then this Crawford guy shows up out of nowhere, drops a statue that would impossible to build with wings, and starts throwing around terms like… eh… 'bugger off to the ends of the multiverse.' Like he actually knows what he's talking about."

The horned owl that Rippen was currently inhabiting frowned in disapproval, then frowned some more as Penn started snickering at him. "What?"

"It looks funny when you're mad."

"HRMMMMPH!"


"So what I'm hearing is 'interdimensional Banksy,'" Boone said.

"I mean, that's what we're going off of."

Penn wrote this on the napkin along with "angry hipster bird?" and "dude, probably." The crumpled napkin had become a notepad for theories and a few jokes, all relating to the elusive statue's creator.

"Whatever he is, he isn't a hero," Sashi pointed out, using her fork to gesture. "He did put what was pretty much a ticking time bomb in the middle of a dimension that doesn't know how to get rid of it on its own."

"Also, he left it in a place that he knew we would go to eventually. He was specifically talking to us. Something's fishy here."

Everyone had a different approach to the matter. Penn saw a potential villain. Sashi saw a potential bomber. Boone didn't think they were ever going to meet the guy in person, so it wouldn't matter.

"Yeah, but what if he's not talking to us?" he pointed out. "The multiverse is big. He could have been calling anyone out. Heroes. Villains. Birds in general? We don't know! All we can do is clean up after him and hope no one gets hurt."

"I still don't like this," Sashi grumbled.

Then the weekend came, and that was all they really needed. Phyllis had gone in and smashed the statue, and brought some of the remains to the Odyssey to keep an eye on them, see if they would try anything funny. Two weeks happened.


"Hey, Matilda, what's your wifi's name?"

"What?"

"Your wifi! What's it supposed to show up as?"

It was not a pleasant evening. In hindsight, caving and going to a Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons session probably wasn't a great idea. Particularly because his friends had failed to attend, their hostess was running out of paper, and Penn was currently stranded in some stranger's house, tasked with looking up dungeon generators because some assholes had decided to break into an area the DM hadn't planned out. Eighty percent of the conversations were Penn dodging around having to address anyone by names he didn't actually know and pretending to know what he was talking about.

"Uh… 'winternet is coming.'"

"Password?"

Matilda, the girl in the red hoodie who was hosting, and he was pretty sure he had seen at least once before, rattled off a string of numbers and letters that he frantically tried to keep up with. Of course, this ended up being in vain, and it kicked him out.

Feeling like he'd used up all his one free awkward moment passes for the night, he said nothing and scrolled down the list. Winternet is coming. The password is password (it wasn't). Bill wi the science fi. An network that was just another string of letters and numbers.

Now, Penn was somewhat educated on what was an okay thing to do on your phone, and what wasn't, and using someone else's… frankly, very suspicious wifi signal was definitely a not okay thing. But there was this codebreaking app passing around school that he was honestly really curious about, and, uh, YOLO, he guessed. Never mind, he felt stupid just thinking that.

He opened the app, picked the string of characters at random, and waited. And then nearly had a fucking heart attack because apparently the app made this loud, jarring THX noise when you were in. He waved it off, saying it was just his music, and promptly broke into a cold sweat when he turned back to the phone.

WELCOME TO DELTANET REMOTE ACCESS NETWORK. PLEASE ENTER COMMAND.

That was odd. He experimentally typed into the chatbox.

[help]

ACCESS: Displays synopsis for a given query. Syntax: ACCESS Query Example: ACCESS Database

[access database]

Time passed as Penn scrolled through the "DELTANET" database.

Those Who Are Nameless: A hero group that believes that a lack of individual identity is sacrosanct, and that having memories of one's life before becoming a hero is a burden. Is allied with at least four reality warpers, including RW-31015. Status: Active. Threat Level: High.

His fingers were getting a little jittery. Somehow he felt he wasn't supposed to be there.

Mendoza Labs, Inc.: A scientific research and development corporation based in a parallel Mexico. Notable facts include that their initial interdimensional contact was caused by an accident involving a break room toaster and elemental thermite, and their invention of disintegrator rays in the 1950s was actually a repurposed vibrator design. Status: Active. Threat Level: Minimal.

He couldn't place whether it was truth or science fiction. At some times it seemed fictional, at others

Phil/Phyllis: Information about the people or entities that are known as "Phil" and "Phyllis" is limited. Whether they are two individuals or one is ambiguous. All that is known is that they are entities capable of projecting heroes/villains via MUT. Status: Active. Threat Level: High.

he was completely dumbstruck. But the little clock in the corner of the screen said 10:23 PM, and it hit him how late it was.

Penn said his goodbyes and hurried away from Matilda's street. What the hell was going on, this had to be some kind of bizarre dream. Blocks down, improbably, he still had the signal.

He sighed, winded, but still keeping a steady pace. Who were these people, with all this information and no apparent means of getting it? Who thought of Phil and Phyllis as a threat? Why should they be? Why? Why? Why?

His phone buzzed against his leg. He hesitated, then pulled it out. It was from Boone.

sorry we couldnt make it r u ok
dont tell me rippen did something to u
or larry
wait not larry
the hipster bird would be more likely than larry

i'm fine. going home now.

He opened the database back up. Boone had reminded him of something.

[access manny crawford]

INCORRECT FORMAT OR UNKNOWN COMMAND.

[access mcrawford]

INCORRECT FORMAT OR UNKNOWN COMMAND.

[access crawford]

IMPRECISE COMMAND. PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH FILE YOU WANT TO ACCESS.

Mabel Crawford

Manaba Crawford

Marcus Crawford…

[access manaba crawford]

Name: Manaba Crawford
Occupation: Field Agent
Specialization: Diplomacy, Specialized Negotiation
Gender: Female
DOB: [CLASSIFIED]
FURTHER INFORMATION ON MANABA CRAWFORD IS CLASSIFIED LEVEL 3 OR HIGHER. INSUFFICIENT CLEARANCE.

Damn it. But there was a file. A file that may not have even been their Manny- how common was the last name "Crawford?" "Manny," though. That could be a decent abbreviation of "Manaba."

And then, with no prompting, the screen jumped, and there was a messaging thread.

green231: plz tell me u guys r ok
mcrawford: We're fine, Hummer's hands are just full and it took a minute for me to open the terminal.

Penn didn't type anything in. He wasn't supposed to see this.

green231: k
green231: wait
mcrawford: What?
green231: probably nothing
green231: just give me a sec to make sure its nothing

The screen jumped again.

Unable to connect to the internet. The webpage cannot be displayed because your phone isn't connected to the internet.

And then there was a click behind him. Arms reached out and grabbed him, wrestling him bodily to the ground. He screamed and screamed before the the chloroform kicked in.