Of Love and Desperation
by Caged Sparkle Black


Note: Parts of this story was previously posted as Against Her Better Judgment and an early version of this story. Both have been deleted.

Disclaimer: I am not Jo Rowling. That infers that I do not own rights and/or royalties remotely related to the Harry Potter universe except of course the wonderful paperback and hardback editions of her lovely series and DVD's of each movie that I purchased at Walmart at discount prices. This disclaimer for this introductory chapter stands as the disclaimer for the entire story.

Summary: "How can you begin to defend yourself when you do not fully understand what you are fighting against or for?" In a short matter of time, the line between light and dark fades for Hermione. The past becomes the future. The future becomes the past. The present is entirely muddled.

Warning: This story will contain spoilers throughout the Harry Potter Series. This is not entirely Deathly Hallows compatible which infers Readers should perceive this story as Authors Universe. This story will contain violence, death, profanity, sexual undertones, sexual situations, and implied non consensual sex. No offense is to be taken. I apologize in advance if it occurs.

Certain characters will be in character whereas others will be out of character. Some will jump in and out as if they have schizophrenia. There is a reason this is rated M; I have warned you. If you cannot handle any of the situations that have been forewarned please quietly exit the story. However, I wish that you would stay and give this story a chance; I've worked incredibly hard on it. It's different. That's all I ask.


Chapter One
Her Journey Begins

September 6, 1997

Unforgivable after unforgivable was cast by the deranged olive-skinned woman. She screeched and crackled out each one as if each curse and hex empowered her more than the last. The woman directed her deathly wand toward an exhausted and rancorous frizzy haired brunette.

"CRUCIO." The mentally unbalanced witch enunciated poisonously with her arm gracefully arched toward the poor intelligent woman. The unfortunate young woman withered in both pain and exhaustion. She had suffered under the insane witch's wand off-and-on for the past five or so days. The only break from the torture was when the witch was summoned by Voldemort or a fellow Death Eater for hours at a time or when she blabbed on and on about the superiority of blood. The imprisoned brunette's vision began to blur. Her throat constricted with each swallow. Her mouth had contracted a severe case of cottonmouth.

"You filthy ignorant mudblood." The woman spat. "Give Potter up or die." Hermione looked up wide eyed as if she had seen the giant knargel that Luna Lovegood ranted on and on about.

Potter. Harry Potter. He was the main reason Hermione Granger had been kidnaped and tortured for the past five days. Not that she was a mudblood but because he was her best friend. Hermione could not ignore the irony.

A group of Death Eaters had taken her from Bulgaria on her eighteenth birthday; the day before they had murdered her father and tortured her mother. Hermione incessantly and insolently refused to relinquish information on the Chosen One or the Order of the Phoenix; Which would be the reason that her captor was so furiously irritated with Hermione. Bellatrix Lestrange was given the task of breaking the mudblood, Hermione Granger. The task of forcing her to betray her best friend, a task in which Ms. Bellatrix was awfully failing at.

Hermione often wondered where she was and when the Order would show up. Her first thought had been the Riddle House. Nevertheless, wouldn't that be the first place they would look. Then she remembered the Wiltshire Malfoy Manor. Yet she had not seen or heard from either bigoted pale blond Death Eater. To her knowledge, Lucius Malfoy was still rotting in Azkaban where she believed he deserved to be. The Order would think to search the Malfoy Manor, she was sure of it. Yet would they find her even if they did come looking?

Neither witch noticed the filthily ancient black stone double doors of the dungeon open. Hermione was in too much pain whereas the lunatic was having too much fun.

"Is the wittle mudblood 'cared?" Bellatrix Lestrange laughed. Hermione winced in pain and at the coldly high pitch of the laugh. Bellatrix's voice and laugh sounded worse than fresh baby mandrakes squalling.

"Of you? Never?" Hermione spoke defiantly as she futilely struggled to break the Unforgivable; As she struggled the pain and torture became ever more intense. After she had stopped struggling the curse weakened and the pain dulled very little. She was almost to the point of becoming numb.

Bellatrix had casted the curse so frequently that Hermione had began to learn how to fight it. Yet Bellatrix did not notice that each time she used the curse it weakened considerably. To be truthful, the only curse Bellatrix used was the Crucio. Which made Hermione start to think that was the only curse the bitch knew other than the Avada.

"CRUCIO." Hermione withered in pain though a fraction of her withering was beginning to be exaggerated.

"The Black's are supposed to be royalty, correct?" Hermione asked through clenched teeth.

Bellatrix paused and stared in shock at the younger woman. She muttered the counter curse and quickly recovered.

"There is no supposed to be; we are royalty." The proud sadistic replied in an aristocratic tone.

The youngest and shorter of the two men sniggered silently as if he had known what the older woman had just walked in to. He had often thought it about both his maternal and paternal families.

"Okay." Hermione muttered in relief as she held her ribs. "I read in a book that the Black family's motto is Torjous Pur. What does that mean? My Latin's just a bit rusty."

"Always Pure, it's French mudblood. A beautiful language you wouldn't know anything about." Bellatrix stated proudly as she suspiciously eyed the Gryffindor mudblood. Her wand suspended in the air as if ready to cast the Cruciatus Curse at a moment notice.

"Correct me if I'm wrong." She said and then muttered to herself. "I know you're going to either way." She then spoke through labored breaths. "The majority of the Black family." Bellatrix narrowed her eyes. Hermione quickly added to stroke the older and darker woman's ego. "The ones that matter." Bellatrix looked at her expectantly. "Are pure bloods. The other members aren't important. They're filthy half bloods and blood traitors." Hermione continued manipulating her captor.

Both men standing at the opened double doors raised an identical eyebrow at the comment of purity of blood or the lack of it.

"Listen to this little hypocrite," The younger man started to whisper but was quickly silenced by the older man with a swish of his long pale wand hand.

The Gryffindor continued to talk unaware of the two men. While Bellatrix began to silently worry that she had made the mudblood go insane for she was speaking of purity of blood like a pure blood, when Bellatrix knew that the mudblood was that a mudblood. The Dark Lord could not get information out of the mudblood bitch if she chose to go insane.

"Anyway, if the Blacks are as pureblooded royalty as you and the books claim, why is it that you, Walfaba, Orion, Narcissa, Regulus and Ferret,"

The shorter man winced for the reminder of the incident in his fourth year and her revealing that she knew that his dear cousin was a Death Eater. It was not public knowledge that Regulus had been a Death Eater. His death had been explained that both he and Orion had resisted the Death Eaters and were killed for their insolence. Nor should the know-it-all know about his great-aunt and uncle's views because both had been long dead before she had entered the wizarding world.

He hoped and prayed to Merlin that his aunt did not notice that the Gryffindor had included the late matriarch and patriarch of the Black family.

"Ferret?" Bellatrix interrupted as her worry about what her master would do to her when he found out that she had made the mudblood bitch go insane without one ounce of information from her.

"Draco Malfoy." Hermione stated, Bellatrix stared confused, as her worry intensified.

"That is a different story, highly entertaining but back to the point, why do you lots follow a filthy half-blood?" Hermione continued.

After inferring Voldermort to a filthy half blood Hermione noticed two figures out from the corner of her eye and lost the nerve to say what she had been going to. She could not identify them but she noticed that both wore long black hooded robes that became personified with the Death Eaters. She could vaguely see that the shorter of the two wore a skull like mask. The taller–about the height of Voldemort-man's face was shadowed and she could not tell if he wore a mask or not.

Even though Hermione is a brave and courageous, Gryffindor through and through, she would not call Voldemort a filthy half blood to his face. She is not dumb and she values her life. She does not believe the pureblood mania. Since she is not a pureblood that would make her a hypocrite.

Normally, she would not call anyone a filthy half blood behind their back let alone one to their face. Yet the reminder of what Harry had told her that he had told Bellatrix during the Department of Mysteries battle that Voldemort was a half blood and she reacted as he had expected, furious yet extremely distracted.

The tallest of the two men made a move toward the women. The other one quickly followed.

Hermione did the first thing that popped inside her mind. She began to quack like a duck.

Bellatrix grabbed her long ebony hair with both hands and started to twist and pull in frustration and fear. Abruptly, she paced back and forth.

"Oh no." She screeched. "Merlin I'm screwed." She groaned. "I made the mudblood go insane." She screeched repeatedly.

"Bellatrix." The obviously annoyed taller man drawled.

She continued with her actions. She still had not noticed either man. One would think her dense and less than par observation skills would have gotten her caught as a Death Eater long before she had been. Yet she was worried about what her master would do. Her master was all that now mattered to her.

She was the only one in the Death Eater ranks not to have been tortured on a regular bases. In fact she had only been tortured after the Department of Mysteries fiasco and that she continuously blamed on her dear sister's husband's negligence as a leader. It was if he did not want the Dark Lord to know of the prophecy but that was lunacy. A Malfoy in the Order of the Phoenix was preposterous and almost laughable. A Malfoy in the Order of the Phoenix would be like extinguishing a fire with gasoline; It exploded.

"Bellatrix." He repeated. "BELLATRIX!" He yelled.

Bellatrix promptly stopped her tantrum and slowly turned toward the familiar voice. He ever so slowly and gracefully lifted his hood down. Long white blond hair escaped. The paleness of the hair was a large contrast to the black robe.

"It bloody cannot be." Bellatrix spoke as her dark and lifeless grey eyes narrowed. "It is you. Why are you back?"

"This," He said motioning toward her then to the quacking mudblood. He continued to eloquently speak. "Is the exact reason, why the Dark Lord has decided to replace you."

Hermione paused as she recognized the man's voice. Her chocolate brown eyes glanced up at the speaker and unfortunately realized that her recognition was correct. Lucius Malfoy had escaped Azkaban and stood not even ten feet away from her maskless. Petrified she looked to his right and tried to identify the man next to him.

The man's cold grey eyes stared intensely at her. As soon as their eyes connected, she realized whom it was. It was the boy that had made her life a living hell for six years. He was the man that had destroyed her illusion that Hogwarts would always be a safe haven for those whom needed it.

After a few seconds as the shock wore off, she realized that there was no bloody way that she would fear Draco Malfoy. She pitied and despised him. His father, on the other hand, she did fear. She was terrified of him yet at the same time in awe of him.

She had not truly feared him until her fifth year during the Department of Mysteries. Before that she had been in awe of his accomplishments before and after Voldemort but when his behavior towards Dobby, the house elf, and the opening of the Chamber of Secrets became known to her, she started to despise him.

She had only physically met him three times before the Ministry fiasco; once in Flourish and Blotts her second year then again at Ferret's first Quidditch Match and lastly at the Quidditch World Cup in her fourth year. Yet seeing him in action during the Department of Mysteries horrified the young witch.

"REPLACE!" Bellatrix screamed outraged. "No one can replace me. I was and am the Dark Lord's most faithful servant."

"And you thought I was insane." Hermione stated as she stood wincing in pain.

"CRU–" Bellatrix started to scream but before she finishes casting the Unforgivable her wand flew out of her long dark fingers.

"Expelliarmus." Draco spoke calmly almost to the point of boredom before catching his aunt's wand.

Hermione stood froze. She stared at the accused murderer of Professor Albus Dumbledore yet Hermione knew better, Although, she knew that Draco was not the one to actually cast the killing curse, was he not just as responsible if not more because he had created the opportunity?

Draco stopping his lunatic of an aunt made Hermione start to wonder if the rumors that she, Harry and Ron had heard weeks ago held any truth even if the truth was partial.

The three Gryffindors had instantly dubbed the rumors one hundred percent rubbish. They had treated the rumors as they would have any of Professor Trelawney's predictions. Then again Trelawney did have two valid prophecies and she had kept predicting's Dumbledore's death all last year.

"You little snot nose brat. Give me back my wand or you will not live to regret it. You cannot compete with me little boy." Bellatrix warned as she glared and stalked towards him. Her glare implied as though she would-with out thinking twice-kill him.

"Bella, your nephew, your own nephew?" Draco said in mock shock. Draco smirked as Bellatrix faltered and the color drained from her face.

"How-How?" Bellatrix stuttered yet quickly regained her composure. She grabbed Draco by the collar of his Death Eater robe and glared up at him. He stared down at her almost amused. The thought that the sight of a 5'8 woman having a 6'1 man by the collar of his robes was amusing crossed Hermione's mind yet disappeared when Bellatrix started to speak.

"You were supposed to die. Die." She attempted to shake Draco. "Dumbledore was supposed to kill you. Your task was a punishment. Not a reward and not the chance to bloody prove yourself. It was a death sentence. It was his punishment." She nodded towards Lucius. "I have no bloody clue how you figured out how to breach Hogwarts wards or how you killed the old coot but I know damn well it was not on your own." Bellatrix sneered disgusted. "You are weak. Last summer I had hoped that I could strengthen you and overturn the damage that my sister caused and your father let happen." Bellatrix almost smiled. "You had potential to be great yet you took after Narcissa. Narcissa is and was the weak Black sister. Even weaker than our muggle loving blood traitorous sister. She chose to surrender when she had the chance to kill and escape." She said angered. "She chose the Order over us and over me." She added quietly.

Hermione almost pitied her but then remembered who she was and what she had done. Any emotion that Bellatrix had showed other than anger, disgust, and distrust quickly disappeared.

As if a light bulb had gone off inside the twisted brain of Bellatrix Lestrange, she asked leerily."Why is it that the only witnesses to Dumbledore's death are dead but you? I find it awfully convenient that everyone that was up in the Astronomy Tower was either killed at Hogwarts, or arrested and later died at Azkaban but you and Snape." She spoke Snape's name as if he was the foulest creature on earth. "Snape swears that he entered the tower just as you casted the killing curse, and watched as Dumbledore fell off the tower. He then helped you escape." She said in a disbelieving and condescending tone.

Hermione looked from Slytherin to Slytherin in awe. Lucius quirked a pale eyebrow and a tip of a smirk in interest at her astonishment.

"The Death Eaters think that Ferret killed Dumbledore? And Snape was the one to tell them so. What the hell did I miss?"

Draco saw Hermione's astonishment and silently prayed to Merlin that she would not choose to enlighten his aunt or his father for that matter on the specific bit of Order Information that Snape was the one to kill the late great Headmaster and not him.

He was all too aware that Potter was in the tower that night. Most likely using that annoyingly clever invisibility cloak. Draco was not stupid. He knew that there had been another person on the tower because of the two broom sticks. He realized that it was Potter after Snape and he had fled from Hogwarts while Potter was on their tale.

He quickly locked eyes with Hermione. What he saw scared the hell out of him. He saw confusion on the know-it-all. However, what scared him the most was she was not going to indulge his secret. He would be in indebted to the mudblood. He did not want to be but it was necessary for him to survive the war in order to help the greater good for his side.

Just as quickly as he locked eyes with her, he looked away. Bellatrix did not notice but the other two occupants of the room did. His father snapped his steel grey eyes toward his heir and narrowed. Draco rolled his eyes before gazing down at his fuming aunt.

"Neither do I believe or trust Snape nor you for that matter." Bellatrix harshly whispered before attempting to use Legillimency. Draco looked at her with contempt yet slightly smirked as she landed on her arse. She swore a few cross words as she stood and brushed off the ancient dirt off of her black robe.

"Regretting taking me under your wing last summer? Auntie Bella? " Draco drawled in an annoying baby voice reminiscent of her. Bellatrix tightened her grip with one hand. With the other she attempted to slap him.

Lucius chose that it was time for him to intervene. He caught her wrist in the blink of an eye centimeters away from Draco's jaw. Hermione was amazed at how close the lunatic was away from hitting the ferret. She briefly wondered if Mr. Malfoy had played Quidditch in his youth or if the years of being a Death Eater had given him extremely fast and accurate reflexes. After Hermione quickly considered, she figured that it must have been a combination of both.

"Lestrange." Lucius whispered venomously. Bellatrix blanched. She had not heard that tone from him since before Draco was born. Both Draco and Hermione looked at the exchange strangely. Hermione was amazed that he had so much control over the bitch. Draco was amazed that Bellatrix looked terrified. She never looked terrified because she never was, even in the presence of the Dark Lord, she kept her cool.

"I am only going to warn you once," He stepped closer to Bellatrix until he easily towered over her for he was three inches taller than his son. Bellatrix looked up in contempt yet still somewhat fearful of his stature.

His steel rock cold eyes narrowed into slits as he continued. "Do not threaten or disrespect my family ever again. I will over look another lapse of sanity this time." He paused to smirk. "After all, your time in Azkaban raddled your already weather-beaten brains." The smirk disappeared as his pale lips formed a harsh line. "The Dark Lord indulges you with your half-brained tantrums. I, however, will not."

Hermione mentally rolled her eyes. "Like he has room to talk. He was in Azkaban too."

"Tantrums? What do you mean tantrums?" Bellatrix asked angered as she stared at her entrapped wrist. She futilely tried to pull away from his vice grip but his grip was entirely too strong.

"When a situation does not go your way instead of analyzing or merlin forbid to think." His lips pursed. "You have a temper tantrum." Bellatrix started to interrupt him but he silenced her with a look that Hermione could not quite see. "You've done this all of your life. Though after you received your Mark, your tantrums have become more problematic especially since your return from Azkaban."

"Have you forgotten that you spent time in Azkaban as well?" Bellatrix arched a dark eyebrow in amusement yet Draco could still see the fear in her dark grey eyes.

"No." He gritted through his teeth in annoyance of the reminder. Hermione received cold chills from the evil sneer that formed on his mouth. "I have not forgotten nor forgiven anything or anyone." His lips formed a lopsided grin. "There were not dementors guarding the cells during my imprisonment were there?" He taunted.

A haunted expression crossed the woman's calloused face. He sadistically smiled at her once beautiful face. He continued needling. "We were both imprisoned because of the same thing."

"No, we were not. I was imprisoned for my never fading loyalty to the Dark Lord and attempting to return him. Yet you were caught-" Bellatrix passionately stated yet he interrupted her.

"Like I was saying, we were both imprisoned because of your stupidity or was it your insanity." He questioned hypothetically. "You were never right in the head." He added as an after thought. "The dementors did not help at all." He dramatically tsked.

"How did you escape Azkaban?" Bellatrix asked the question that had been floating around her dark and raddled mind and Hermione's knowledge seeking one. Hermione realized at once that the Death Eaters did not rescue him as they had Bellatrix and the others in her fifth year because of Bellatrix's reaction. That was oddly intriguing.

"Narcissa." Lucius simply spoke as if that should explain everything.

"Excuse me?"

"My beloved wife," He sarcastically spoke. Bellatrix was the only one to not pick up on the sarcasm. Hermione knitted her eyebrows in confusion. Draco had the expression of an exasperated "oh not again" look. "Distracted the Aurors that guarded my cell."

"Who distracted her guards?" Bellatrix asked perplexed.

"Did I say that she had guards?" He snarled.

"Why wouldn't she have guards?" She stupidly asked.

He forced himself to answer.

"She is no longer loyal to the Dark Lord. It is in question to whether she ever was. She has joined the Order." By the look on his face, it had pained him to admit it.

The information stunned Hermione. Her mouth hung open gaping.

"But she is loyal to you?" Bellatrix asked narrowing her cold charcoal eyes in disbelief. She was not surprised that her sister had joined the blood traitors. She had been expecting this since last summer during their visit to Spinner's End.

"No. Narcissa is loyal to Draco and the Blacks." It had pained him to admit that. He had always hated the feeling of betrayal. It left a bitter and wanting taste in his mouth.

"I am a Black, I am her sister" Bellatrix stated almost enraged.

"Then act like it." Draco intervened.

"What does that mean?"

"The mudblood had a point." Draco shrugged nonchalantly.

"Draco!" Both his father and aunt exclaimed in shock. Bellatrix's wrist was released from its prison. Long red finger marks could be seen. Hermione narrowed her eyes in suspicion. The mudblood comment no longer bothered her. She knew within her heart and mind that she could out duel most purebloods and that she knew more about their world than they did.

"The Blacks are royalty in France yet just about every Black is or was a Death Eater." Draco commented ignored his father's shock and Bellatrix's anger. He put emphasis on in France. Hermione looked at him oddly before she realized why he placed emphasis on the two words. "Blacks pride themselves with being pureblooded royalty."

"There is no such thing as an ex-Death Eater." Bellatrix stated in conviction.

"Really?" He questioned in interest and then continued "How about our cousin Regulus Arcturus Black." He inwardly smirked at the look of recognition on Hermione's face and Bellatrix sorrowful one.

"Regulus was blinded by love and hero-worship."Bellatrix said quietly. Everyone could see that talking about him was hurting her. "Someone." She spat angrily. "Planted the idea that he could betray the Dark Lord and would not be killed. More than likely it was his blood traitorous brother."

"Bellatrix, he is long since dead. He betrayed the Dark Lord, he deserved what he got." Lucius said tired of talking about dear Regulus. Even after seventeen years of death, the brat still annoyed him.

"Did you have to kill him? Why not Snape? Macnair? Why you?" Bellatrix asked exasperated.

"I was his closest of kin." He stated as he examined the snake handle of his cane that hid his wand.

"I was. Narcissa was."

"We both know that Narcissa has never killed a muggle in her life let alone a pureblooded relative. You would not have killed him. You loved him. Narcissa loved him. She was not informed of his death until after Draco's birth months after his murder."

"I would have killed him to protect him" She passionately stated.

"Then you would have simply killed him. The Dark Lord wanted him to be punished then killed." Lucius said bored as he caressed his cane.

"Why you? Why not someone else? Why--" She repeated her question in desperation. Lucius put up a hand to silence her.

"The Dark Lord wanted to make a point. Narcissa was pregnant and did not leave Malfoy Manor until weeks after Draco's birth. The Dark Lord knows of her reluctance to kill. He also knew that you loved him. He did not know why or how, but he knew. His lack of ability to love will be and was his down fall. He could not risk one of--not the most, you need to stop deluding yourself—faithful Death Eaters suddenly have a change of loyalty and betray—"

"I will NEVER betray the Dark Lord." Bellatrix passionately declared. Her distraction of grief for Regulus and the audacity of him to imply that she would betray her dark lord made her miss his slip in cover.

"Great, we can agree to disagree. I will never betray Harry Potter or the Order of the Phoenix. And you bloody idiots will never betray Tom Riddle." Hermione interrupted smartly.

"Silencio." Lucius silenced her. He silently admitted that he should have done so as soon as he arrived but honestly she was not the problem. The problem was her captor.

He thanked Merlin that the Dark Lord had agreed to his idea that he and Draco take over the mudblood's interrogation and torture. If not she would be dead in less than a week. It was a miracle that she had survived this long under Bellatrix's care with that mouth and attitude.

Hermione glared cutlasses at the elder Malfoy. Lucius scowled at her. Draco couldn't help but grin and think, "I want to be a fly on the wall when she lays into him."

"Mudblood, for future reference, a poorly performed Imperius Curse results in the victim to quack like a duck not the Cruciatus. If you want to even attempt to pull something over on me, make it seem believable. A mediocre wizard would be able to see through you. Do not waste my time." He told her before muttering the counter curse. Draco braced himself but she did not go off.

"The crazy bitch believed it." She quietly muttered. Lucius smiled in spite of himself. She continued louder. "Was it not five teenagers that led to your arrest?" She baited. His gaze darkened to the color of burnt charcoal when reminded of his arrest and imprisonment.

"You were not one of them. If I remember correctly wasn't it Dolohov that incapacitated you?" He baited but she did not take the bait offered.

"Yes. However, I am the one that figured out what was in the Chamber of Secrets and how it got around the school which led to Harry and Ron entering it, which led to Harry destroying the diary and you being sacked as School Governor. I am the one that led Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest, which led myself and the five teenagers that led to your arrest to travel to the Ministry of Magic. Which led to the Department of Mysteries battle that led to the infamous shattering of the Prophecy. Which led to your arrest and Ferret's task or punishment, whichever you prefer?" She stated in two breaths. He simply stared at her. She shivered under his gaze. He smirked at her reaction.

Hermione gingerly sat down on the filthy stone floor of the ancient dungeon. "I am not betraying Harry or the Order. So run along, bow down to Voldemort, lick his wand, kiss his cloak or whatever you three choose do."

Lucius pulled his wand from the snake cane, pointed it toward the insolent mudblood and muttered. "CRUCIO."

Hermione could not even begin to think about fighting or even wanting to fight his Cruciatus Curse. The pain was almost unendurable. She wanted to die for the pain was so intense.

Lucius's last thought before his and presumably his son's and sister-in-law's Dark Mark started to burn was, "What in the bloody hell does the Dark Lord want with this dissatisfying know-it-all Moinette lookalike."


A/N: Please review.