A/N: I haven't attempted a multi chapter fic in years. Literally, YEARS. So you'll all forgive me if I'm a tad nervous about starting this, yes? Much love to those of you that have already clicked to this page and decided to read. I am eternally grateful that you've stopped by, and I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Mass Effect characters and their likenesses, they belong to Bioware. The first chapter's introduction lyrics also do not belong to me, they come from a song called Safe and were written by John Shanks and James Grundler.
Safe
"Doesn't even matter to you to see what I can see, I'm crawling on the floor to reach you, I'm a wreck you see, when you're far from home now, it makes it hard to believe... how you gonna love, how you gonna feel, how you gonna live your life like the dream you had is real? And if you've lost your way, I will keep you safe, we'll open up all the world inside and see it come alive tonight... I will keep you safe."
One.
Rain splattered violently against the windows of her apartment - her well-decorated cell, for all intents and purposes - and she sat on the bed, cross-legged and blank-faced, watching the storm take hold outside. As she watched quietly, she knew she could feel pairs of eyes watching her. She spared a moment of thought for the security camera that she knew was installed up on the wall in the far corner of the room. The kind of luxuries you get when you're living in a Detention Centre, she thought to herself, as a small smile crept over her lips. Not a happy, content or satisfied smile, but a sarcastic one. For the past three weeks, every time she gave herself chance to think about it, all she could do was become highly amused at the fact that she had worked herself to the bone to ensure all the Reapers' efforts at destroying the Galaxy could be thwarted - and yet she had been rewarded by being grounded and put under 24 hour surveillance.
Shepard knew she had done a terrible thing by letting the asteroid collide into that mass relay. She had basically committed genocide. 300,000 Batarians dead, and it was her doing. But she also knew that her decision had bought the rest of the Galaxy precious time. Though now she was being made to feel like some kind of war criminal. Ironic, when she had spent the last three years of her life fighting to ensure that the war criminals didn't win.
She had even been banned from sending or receiving any kind of communication, due to her 'recent associations with Cerberus'. The Alliance no longer trusted her, despite her protests that, as she put it - "I didn't work for Cerberus, they worked for me". If she in fact had been sent messages from any of her former crew mates, she hadn't received them. She knew that the Alliance had put some sort of block on her omni-tool communication function. She wondered if people like Tali or Garrus - the ones that had been by her side since the beginning, the ones she implicitly trusted - knew what was going on. Liara was sure to know; she was the Shadow Broker, after all. Shepard wondered if Liara had contacted their mutual friends and explained the situation to them.
Uncrossing her legs, she stood up from the bed, running a hand to smooth the creases over the crumpled duvet cover before stepping over to the desk. It was mostly clear, aside from a datapad which was switched off, and a photo frame which had been placed face down. Shepard took a deep breath, as if she was about to do something strenuous. In a way, she was. During the entire build up to the Collector mission, it had almost been a blessing that she had had so much work to do, because it meant that she didn't have a chance to think about what was really eating at her inside. There was so much at stake, so many people relying on her, that she could almost forget to think about her own needs and feelings. But now the mission was over, and she was stuck in what felt almost like solitary confinement. Aside from the people she saw outside from her window, the only person she ever really spoke to was James Vega, an Alliance soldier who had been recruited to guard Shepard during her time in the Detention Centre.
She picked up the photo frame, and turned it right side up. Feelings of raw emotion suddenly washed over her, and she was suddenly confused, startled, unsure of herself. She hadn't felt something so strong since the night before Ilos.
Kaidan.
The last time Shepard had heard anything from her ally-turned-lover-turned-stranger was an e-mail on her omni-tool discussing that fateful afternoon they'd bumped into each other on Horizon. Kaidan had mentioned so many things that had simply knocked Shepard for six; that he'd been on a date with another woman, that the night they'd shared before Ilos had meant everything to him, that if he lost Shepard again he just couldn't bear it. It was so heartfelt... it had been almost excruciating to read. It had brought up emotions and feelings that had been absent in Shepard for so long that she didn't even know she was capable of feeling them again. If Shepard was more emotionally in tune with herself, she probably would have cried. But Shepard didn't cry. She didn't ever cry. She had battled and suffered through so much that tears just seemed... redundant. If she ever wanted a release from her pain, she had alternate methods: taking it out on enemies on the battlefield or - when she was on shore leave - drinking herself into unconsciousness. And on the night she received the e-mail from Kaidan, boy did she drink. She remembered the sloppy e-mail response she'd typed up while lying on the bed of her cabin, mind hazy from the bottle of whiskey she'd polished off.
Kaidan
that nitht before Ilos nwas THE BEST HNGIHT I HVAE EVER HAD.i LOVED YOU. I still love yuo.
ceberus dont hae my loyalty like you do. the ilusivce man knowsx that I Dont trust him.
I NEED YOU HERE
your Amelia xxx
She passed out before she could bring herself to send it, and when she came to the following morning and discovered the e-mail in her drafts folder, she used her better judgement and left it there. Kaidan clearly already thought of her as a liar and an Alliance traitor; no need to give him the opportunity to add 'ditzy drunken moron' to the list. But it had taken her six months to actually make the effort to delete the e-mail completely. It haunted her every time she looked at it. Her true feelings, out in the open, in black and white. It frightened her that she felt so much for one person... and the fact that it frightened her also annoyed her. She was Commander Shepard, for god's sake. She wasn't meant to be afraid of anything. She had been involved with other men before, sure, but they had always been pointless flings that never lasted. She'd had her fair share of one night stands, especially during her teenage years. No parents, living on the streets, being a member of a feared gang - there was no time or room for love in her life. So when she laid her eyes on Kaidan Alenko for the very first time, her heart began to flutter in a way that she'd never felt or understood before, and it bothered her immensely. He had somehow become an exception to her unwritten rule. He seemed to bring out the best in her, and now he was missing from her life she had returned to the fierce, loveless empty shell she was before.
She placed the photo frame back on her desk, face down once again, and placed a hand over her face, rubbing her temples as she emitted a frustrated sigh. Thoughts of Kaidan had become a frequent unwelcome distraction in her silent, confined world.
The apartment door slid open and Shepard was jolted out of her cruel reverie. Suddenly she was face-to-face with her tall, tanned, muscular guard dog. James Vega. He stopped a few feet in front of her, promptly raising his hand to his head in a salute.
"Commander."
She smirked. "You're not supposed to call me that anymore, James," she told him.
His hand fell back down to his side again. "Not supposed to salute you anymore either," he responded, "We do this every day, Commander, you should know the drill by now."
It was true. It had been three weeks since her trial and her stint in the Detention Centre had begun, and every morning James greeted her with the same Alliance formality that she knew others didn't believe she deserved anymore. As annoying as he seemed at times, Shepard secretly appreciated the fact that James still respected her as a soldier.
"Let me guess Lieutenant, you've come to shackle my hands and lead me to the dinner hall?" she spoke, a sarcastic twinge in her voice.
A quiet chuckle escaped from James' lips. "Not quite, Commander, but we are going on a trip. Civilian Affairs wants to see you."
Shepard's left eyebrow cocked up. "Civilian Affairs? Why would they want to see me?"
"They wouldn't give me any info, strictly classified. They just requested you report to them immediately."
"Alright..." Shepard muttered with a nod, and she followed James out of the room.
Reviews much appreciated, whether you love it, hate it, or are not quite sure what you feel yet.
More soon.
