Jacob is not in a good place right now – I apologise that this story is so heavy on dialogue and short on action, but sometimes things really need to be talked about. This is the first of 3 chapters and follows on from The Beginning of The End.
And because he's hurting, Jacob has turned to the Boss for his thumping drums and fabulous lyrics to help him feel a little better.
Soundtrack: Badlands – Bruce Springsteen
Well lights out tonight, trouble in the heartland
Got a head on collision smashing in my guts man
I'm caught in a crossfire that I don't understand
"Oh my lord Jacob, I can't believe you asked for your keys back!"
He shrugged. "I only asked for the car keys. I mean, what did she need them for, she'd just wrecked the car. I did let her keep the house keys."
"I hope you realise what a complete bastard you were," she frowned. "The poor girl had just had a car accident, you flew completely off the handle at her and in your next breath you tell her to turn around and give up her career just because she mistakenly opened the door to Felix. It's not like she did it on purpose."
He shook his head. "But it was only a matter of time. It was obvious that something was going to have to change at some point. It's been on my mind for weeks."
"Jacob, just because you've been thinking about it for weeks doesn't mean that she's been thinking about it for weeks. There's no one I know who thinks as much as you do."
He sighed and pulled her in closer to his side, kissed the top of her head. Inhaled the fragrance of her silky black hair. He stretched out his body languidly on the bed, felt his muscles pull apart, felt the stirring in his groin.
"You know what stops me thinking don't you," he whispered into her ear.
"Don't start trying to seduce me Jacob. You know what that whisper in my ear does to me. Anyhow, I'm still not sure how you convinced me to lay on this bed with you when there's a perfectly good armchair over there."
"Mmmm," he purred. "I can be very convincing."
She turned towards him and ran her hand gently down his cheek. "You know I love you Jacob, but we've been here before and it didn't work. This can't be the place that you run to every time you're hurting."
He sighed, "I know Anna, but we're so good together."
"Great sex doesn't make a relationship though. You know I'm just saving you from yourself. You know you don't really want to sleep with me."
He raised his eyebrows, "I wouldn't be so sure about that."
"You need to stop thinking with your cock, Jacob. That's what got you here in the first place. I honestly think you and Rachel could have had a sensible discussion that night if it hadn't been for the bourbon and the sex. Really, I would have expected so much more from a man like you."
"Sometimes people don't live up to your expectations i guess," he shrugged. "But everything's just so easy when I'm with you Anna, and it's all just so hard when I'm with her."
"That's because you don't love me Jacob. You don't have anything at stake when you're with me."
"But don't you remember how fantastic it was," he whispered, touching her ear with his lips.
She turned onto her side, moved closer into him, resting her head on his chest. "Oh, I'll never forget how great it was sleeping with you. But I'll also never forget how you broke my heart, twice. I've never been more attracted to a man than I am to you, you know that Jacob, you know you drive me wild, but you chose Maggie over me years ago and you chose Rachel over me a few months ago and I'm not putting myself through that trauma again."
"Its just sex Anna."
"If it was just sex I'd do it all again in a heartbeat." She toyed with the buttons on his shirt. "But if I sleep with you, I'll fall for you all over again. And I'm not subjecting myself to that. I already love you too much; I can't share physical intimacy with you as well. And I think you're kidding yourself if you think that sex with me is what you really want."
She ran her hand down his shirt to his dress pants and squeezed his hard groin tightly, "But I swear you are the devil sent to tempt me Jacob Hood."
He winced. "Do that again Anna and I'll have your knees around your ears before you can blink"
"I think we should go down to the bar and talk there," she whispered. "If we lay on this bed any longer, we'll end up doing something that we'll both regret."
"I wouldn't regret it," he murmured.
"Yes you would. You're just hurting because Rachel won't fall at your feet and give up her independence for you. She's damaged your precious male ego and you're still angry with her. But you would regret sleeping with me when you get back to her and look her in the eyes. You know you would."
"Remind me again why we're friends Professor Yang. Because sometimes I sure as hell can't remember." He dug her in the ribs playfully and swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Come on then, let's go and grab some dinner. If you won't have sex with me, I think I'll have a big steak and a cold beer instead."
******
As they stood alone in the elevator heading down to the ground floor restaurant, he looked at her reflection in the mirrored walls.
"You do look beautiful tonight," he commented, eyeing her tall slim body in her elegant coffee coloured dress. Her olive skin was glowing and her long black hair hung seductively down her back.
"Flattery will get you absolutely nowhere Jacob, you know that," she said raising her eyebrows at him. "You on the other hand, are looking a little bit dishevelled."
He laughed, looking at his tousled hair in the mirror, and his creased blue shirt and black dress pants. "I didn't even put my jacket on before we left."
She thought he looked sexy as he always did, but as far as she was concerned he could wear an old sack and still look gorgeous. She knew he had that easy natural sexiness that only a handsome, self-assured man could pull off.
She couldn't help but lean over and kiss him on the cheek, and he smiled. As the elevator doors opened he lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it, then hand in hand they walked into the restaurant, the very picture of an attractive, happy couple.
******
After being seated, they ordered some drinks and chatted about work for a while. They ordered their meals, and she asked him about his upcoming trip to Geneva. He'd just arranged two weeks leave to work on a short research project at The Large Hadron Collider at CERN with an old colleague from France. He'd had some brief involvement in its design and implementation over the many years that it took to get it up and running, and he explained to her the details of the project.
"This is exactly the kind of thing I'd like to start working on if I left the job," he commented. "Pure research is such an escape from FBI work. Everyone is so pleasant for a start. And no one carries a gun."
She laughed. "I don't understand why Rachel isn't going with you though. Are you not still an FBI asset even when you're on leave."
He shook his head, "apparently not. She was already booked to do some training course or other with Felix, weapons and ballistics or some nonsense. I offered to bring her along with me for a holiday but she said she needed to do this training. But I think she was just happy to be rid of me."
"And is the feeling mutual?
"Well, to be quite honest, yes, I think it is at the moment."
"And you've hardly spoken a word to each other for 4 days?"
He shook his head grimly. "No, I spent the night on the couch then went to try and get the car sorted out, and she said she needed to head back to DC. When I got back to the house she'd left. I spoke to her and Felix briefly on Monday morning to let them know I'd decided to take this trip, I asked her then if she wanted to come but she just blew me off, said the training was important. And we haven't spoken since."
She sighed and toyed with her wine glass. "Now, tell me the whole story again Jake. Because I can't quite believe that a man who's seemingly as evolved as you are could behave so appallingly."
"Hey, I resent that remark Anna. Rachel got everything that was coming to her." He rubbed his face with one hand then ran his fingers through his hair. "It's like she wasn't even sorry. She just barrelled in, efficiently told me that she'd written off my car, span me some crap about dropping a bag of fucking candy and then told me that Felix has known about us for days but she apparently never found the need to inform me or talk to him about it."
The waiter came and delivered their meals. "Thanks," Jacob nodded at him, "Then she told me she thought everything would be ok 'til the FBI found out, and happily said that she's ready to go off and be someone else's handler because I get on her nerves. And all the time she's talking, she's cracking jokes as though our entire relationship falling apart is just some big fucking laugh to her."
"Some people use humour to deflect stress, you do realise that don't you Jake?" she looked at him with concern, her forkful of pasta halfway to her mouth.
"It wasn't like that though Anna. I only did what I did because she stayed there, talking & talking but never listening." He frowned, cutting into his steak, "I needed her to be quiet or at least to say something that actually had some meaning. I needed her to see that this work issue is actually serious. And I needed her to understand how angry I was about my car."
"Did you tell her the truth?"
"What, that the corvette was my wedding present to Maggie? No, I've never mentioned that to her. I try not to bring up Maggie too much. I think it's probably bad enough that I still wear the pearl, without telling her about the car." He absentmindedly touched the blue grey pearl hanging around his neck as he spoke.
"Have you thought about taking it off?"
"I haven't taken it off for 7 years Anna. It's my last real link to her. Especially now. They said the corvette would take 8 weeks to fix." He shrugged, "but they'd need to virtually rebuild it. It's not going to be the original car it was. So in a way, it won't be hers any more. It'll be a different car, it'll just be mine."
"You really need to tell Rachel why it meant so much to you. It might help her to understand your overreaction."
"I didn't overreact Anna. It was her attitude that pissed me off."
She sighed. "Do you really think that seducing her like that was the responsible thing to do though?"
"She could have walked away at any time, I wanted her to walk away Anna. I wanted her to fight me but she let me control her. She let me control her completely and utterly. And i hated it, i hated her for letting me do it. I never thought she would be so weak."
"Now that's just not fair Jacob. She's only weak when it comes to you. The rest of the time she's exceptionally strong. Why would you punish her for being so in love with you."
"Mmm, she's in love with sex and candy I think. But not in love with me enough to understand why I can't bear seeing her in danger."
"Now listen to me Jake," Anna looked at him intently, putting down her fork. "I know you didn't want to talk to me professionally after Maggie died. I know you don't want me to analyse you, but I have to butt in now. This is just crazy. You're just going to end up pushing Rachel away and that's going to absolutely destroy you, and I can't watch that happen again."
"Oh, you've already said enough I think Anna," he snorted. "What was that about my precious male ego. I don't think I can listen to you telling me what an idiot I am any more. I still think we'd be better off just having sex."
She frowned at him. "Is that really why you came Jacob? Really? Is that why you came up with this bizarre plan of flying from DC to Switzerland via California to see Tanner, when really it was just so you could cheat on the woman you love? Because if you truly came here just to have sex with me then lets go back up to your room right now and do it. Because you know how I feel about you, how I felt about you long before you married Maggie and you know that deep down there's nothing that I'd rather have happen than for you to split up with Rachel and move back here to be with me. You know that."
He sighed. Emptied his beer glass, poured himself a glass of red and topped up her wine. He looked at her.
"I don't really know why I came. I'm sorry." He shook his head. "I know we decided that this wasn't going to work twice before." He stared into his glass. "I don't want to mess with your head, Anna. That's never been my aim. I've already screwed up Rachel's I think. I just needed to be close to you and Tanner and Maggie for a while."
Her face softened. "Oh Jacob, surely you realise that being here with me and Tanner doesn't make you closer to Maggie." She reached over and touched his cheek. "I want you to listen to me now. Just give me this one evening with you, to talk to you properly, to try and help you through this and then I'll mind my own business. I can't bear seeing you tearing yourself apart like this again."
He looked into her eyes, exhaled slowly. "One evening, that's all".
"OK." She took his hand in hers. "This is going to be hard for you to hear Jacob, but I don't think you've forgiven yourself for not being able to save Maggie." He shook his head, tried to pull his hand away, but she wouldn't let it go.
"Listen to me. I'm not letting you run away again. You need to hear this. Intellectually Jacob, you understand that there was nothing you could do. Intellectually, you know that thousands of people die of cancer every day. Intellectually, you know that you need to move on, intellectually, you know that you need to get on with your life."
"But emotionally, you are still a complete mess. Emotionally, you are still beating yourself up for not protecting her. For not being able to save her. Emotionally, you haven't accepted that you couldn't protect her. And until you accept that it was never your job to protect her in the first place, you will never, ever be able to move on."
"But she was my wife Anna, it was my job to protect her."
"You can't protect people from death Jacob. Even the people you love. You can wrap Rachel in cotton wool, you can confine her to the house, you can stop her from working entirely, but you still can't protect her from death."
"You know as well as I do that I'm going to die, you're going to die, Rachel is going to die. Intellectually I know you understand that, probably more than most of us do. But because you had to nurse Maggie, and hold her in your arms, and watch her die, at a time in your life when the two of you should have been holding your babies in your arms, and planning your future together, you've become paralysed with fear. You are emotionally fearful."
"Don't think for a moment that I don't know what you go through some nights. I know you've thrown yourself into your work. I know that drinking too much and blocking out your pain with sex has been your way of coping, but that's because I've known you for years. I know you and I understand you and I was there when Maggie left you and I know what it did to you. But Rachel doesn't Jake, she won't truly understand you until you actually talk to her and explain to her about the fear that still hunts you down."
"She's the one who won't talk though, Anna."
"You say that Jacob, but how much time do you spend talking to her and how much time do you spend mulling all this over in your own head. When have you talked to her about Maggie? Have you really told her how it's affected you? Does she know about the dreams? Does she know that you don't sleep because you still can't bear going back there again? Does she really understand your pain and your fear?"
He shrugged, shook his head slightly.
"You need to talk to her first Jake. If you talk to her, really talk to her, open up to her, show her the pain that's etched deep into your soul, then she will begin to understand. She loves you, she wants to understand you but if you pull another performance like the other night you'll just push her away."
"And Jacob," she lifted his chin and made him look her in the eye, "you can't tell her that she has to give up her job again. That has to be a decision that she makes on her own. And I can guarantee that she won't make that decision until you've made a proper commitment to her."
He frowned. "What do you mean by a proper commitment? She knows I love her, she knows I loved her for months before we got together, she knows that I'm prepared to leave the FBI for her, she knows she's the only woman I've ever brought to the beach house, she knows that I think about the children we'll have together, she knows I have a tattoo for her."
"You got another tattoo?" She looked surprised.
He pulled out his shirt from his belt slightly and hitched it up a little so she could see the infinity symbol on the side of his ribs.
"Infinity." She put her face into her hands and sighed. "Oh Jacob, what the hell goes on in your head sometimes." She looked at him intently.
"Jacob, have you asked her to marry you?"
"No." He frowned.
"If you want her to know how much you really love her, if you want her to make career choices with you in mind, if you truly want her, then commit to her properly. And I don't mean by getting a fucking tattoo. Jesus Christ, how old are you, 16?"
"We've only been seeing each other for a few months Anna. I don't want to scare her off by getting too serious too soon."
"And you don't think the stunt you pulled the other night might scare her off? Good god Jacob." She took a drink from her wineglass. "If you're serious enough to talk about children, if you're serious enough to expect her to take a different job, if you're serious about having loved her for that long, then you need to show her that you're serious enough to marry her. You met and married Maggie within the space of 6 months, she probably knows that. You can't expect a single woman in her mid 30's to give up her career for a man who may or may not be serious about her. For goodness sake Jacob, you can't really expect her to give up her career even if you do marry her."
He shook his head. "I don't expect her to give up her career though. I just want her to take a less dangerous job."
"But life is dangerous Jake. Maggie didn't die at the hands of a crazed criminal or because she contracted some bizarre virus. Stopping Rachel following her dreams is not going to keep her safe. Come on, you're an intelligent man. You and I both know we could both be dead before the end of this meal. That guy over there," she nodded towards a business man on her left with a briefcase at his feet, "could have a bomb in that case. Your plane could go down on the way to Geneva, I could have an anaphylactic reaction to a bee sting, Rachel could contract swine flu from someone she sits next to on the train on the way to her new office job. I don't need to tell you this. You know all this."
"What you need to do though is to get over this paralysing fear. Let it go Jake, let the guilt and the fear go. Let Maggie go. She would hate to know that her death was affecting your life like this."
"She was my very best friend in the world Jacob. I knew her since we were 10 years old. I miss her too. But I know her, and I know that her greatest desire would be to see you happy. I've already told you that she asked me to look after you. To help you get through. Leaving you tore her apart because she knew exactly how you'd react; she knew how you would internalise all this stuff. She knew there was a good chance that you'd destroy your life."
She reached over to him and held his face in her hands. "Let go of the fear Jake. Give Rachel a chance. Give her a chance to have a normal relationship without having your wife's death hanging over everything you do and say. Enjoy it Jake, enjoy your life, enjoy falling in love, and enjoy the opportunity you've been given. Enjoy her and don't ever, ever try to manipulate her the way you did the other night."
She looked into his deep green eyes. His lips twitched as he searched for something to say, but in the end, he said nothing.
They finished their meals in silence.
"You can say quite a lot in a short time can't you Anna?" he said finally as the waiter removed their plates.
"I can talk 'til the cows come home Jacob, but it's all a waste of time unless you actually hear what I'm saying"
******
Their desserts were delivered to the table. Jacob reached over and took her spoon in his hand, cracked through the crust on her crème brulee and fed her the first spoonful of the silky custard.
"What did I do to deserve a friend like you?" he said. "How can a woman who is so very, very sexy be so very, very wise?"
"I'm asking myself a similar question," she replied laughing. She reached over to his cheese platter and plucked a grape off its stem. Popped it into his mouth, letting her finger linger long enough for him to brush it with the tip of his tongue.
"How can a man who is so very, very sexy be so very, very stupid?"
Later, when they reached the door of his room, he slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. He bent his head and buried his face into her hair before kissing her gently on the lips. "Stay with me Anna, I don't want to be alone tonight."
She reached up and ran her hand down his face before kissing him back lightly. "I'll stay with you and talk with you a while, but no sex Jacob."
"I know." He looked at her with concern, "you do know it's not about the sex, don't you Anna. I really don't want you thinking that's what I came all this way for. I just needed to be with you." He buried his face in her hair again. "I'm just so sad. I'm just so very sad that it's come to this and I don't know what to do about it. I can't believe things can have disintegrated like this so quickly. But it's like we've never addressed anything serious in the whole time we've been together. And now we've had to, I can feel her slipping away from me."
She reached up and placed her hand gently on his head, the other one around his back and held him tightly. They stood for a few moments in this embrace. She could feel his pain and it made her want to cry for him.
Then she lifted his face and held it in her hands, gently kissed the dampness from his cheeks. "Lets go inside Jake, that bed is plenty big enough for both of us and I couldn't leave you alone like this."
******
When she awoke the next morning with his body wrapped around hers, his long leg slung over her hip and his hand around her waist, she wondered whether she was really so wise after all. She adored him, she desired him, she wanted nothing more than to turn towards him and finally let him make love to her.
But as she luxuriated in the warmth of his arms, the feel of his body against hers, and his gentle breath in her ear, she knew that she should lay and appreciate every second of this moment because it may well never come again.
It made her unbelievably sad that their attempts at a relationship had never worked. The physical attraction between them had always existed and they had become close friends since Maggie had died, but that special spark which took sex and friendship to the next level was just not there. At least not for him, she thought ruefully. She knew that love would come to her one day and in the meantime she had to help her friend, this gorgeous man that she adored, to find his way back to his love.
"Come on Jacob," she whispered, "I need to drop you at the airport. You have a plane to catch to Geneva."
******
"Well I believe in the love that you gave me,
I believe in the faith that can save me,
I believe in the hope and I pray that someday it may raise me
Above these badlands, you gotta live it every day
Let the broken heart stand as the price you gotta pay,
Keep pushing 'til it's understood and these badlands start treating us good"
