Chapter 1:
Forever Guilty
Silence. That's all there was.
He lifted his glass to take another gulp of scotch, feeling the burning trail that it left in his throat. Another drag taken from his cigarette, as he continues to watch the flames dance in the fireplace. He exhales the smoke through his nose and flicks the cigarette into the fire and continues to sit pensively.
Every night he drinks the scotch to keep himself more alert in attempt to stay awake longer until sleep inevitably comes. Whenever he closes his eyes the faces of the tortured seem to be etched on the back of his lids to haunt him for what he feels will be the rest of his life. The images don't stop. They never do. Frustrated, he runs his hand through his hair. 'This is what I deserve. I deserve to relive every single goddamn moment. Every single day.' He thinks as he takes another drink from his glass.
He sits there thinking of when they brought him into the Ministry for questioning. The aurors didn't look at him as though he had been a murderer or a terrible person, the way they did his father. They looked at him with pity in their eyes. Looked at him knowing he didn't have a choice. It is the worst look he could have ever seen. They pitied him. "Do they not know the things I did? I had a choice! I could have made a choice then and I didn't! " He yells in his head now.
"Draco, there you are." Narcissa comes in slowly. "Have you tried to sleep? You know you can't keep-"
"Mother" He cuts her off. "I'm a big boy and I don't have a curfew any longer. Please just let me be."
Narcissa nods. Afraid of what has become of her son. "I am going to Diagon Alley tomorrow. I would really like it if you would come with me. It has been a long time since you've been out." She attempts with a small smile on her lips. Draco remembers a couple of years ago when he first went into Diagon Alley when the War was fresh in every witch and wizard's mind. That had turned out to be a disaster. He has purposely been avoiding it ever since. "I suppose you can't be bothered." Says Narcissa softly, after the lengthy silence. "If you need anything let me know, write me a list and I will try to get it for you." She turned to leave when Draco sighed heavily, thinking 'She knows how to guilt me into things so well.'
"What time will you be leaving?" He replies. "I was thinking around mid-afternoon." She replies excitedly. "Oh Draco this is wonderful. Darling, could I ask one thing of you before we go into Diagon Alley tomorrow?" She walks over to Draco and stands in front of him. He looks up raising his eyebrows in response. "Please shave dear." Narcissa smiles and walks out of the room humming to herself merrily.
Draco scratches what was once only scruff and is now a full beard. He puts down his glass on the side table and gets up from the chair, stretching. Not looking forward to tomorrow, he walked himself slowly across the room and up the stairs towards his room.
"Please, let me go!" She looked right at Draco into his eyes pleadingly. Tears were silently streaming down her face. "Ah, listen to her plead for her life. This," The voice bellowed, "is why Mudbloods will forever be the lesser being. This is why we need to rid the taint that is affecting the Pure Blood witches and wizards. What is poisoning the blood of the future?" The woman seemed to have summoned some strength from somewhere, through it all. "I was chosen! I was chosen to go to Hogwarts and learn magic! I am as much witch as anyone here! " She started yelling. Draco secretly respected this woman for the strength she seemed to have found through all that the Death Eaters had been doing to her. He watched her suspended in mid-air, cuts, bruises, bloody nose and he is certain much more that even he, did not know had happened.
"Ah, yes. Well we have killed the blood traitor who was making those insolent decisions. " He hissed. "Who would like to show our friend here, how we deal with the lesser beings?" He smiled evilly. There was pleasured stirring amongst the group. Hands shot up in the air and Draco noticed his Aunt Bellatrix almost leaping for joy hoping she will be picked. He tensed beside his father. Voldemort's smile did not falter as he noticed Draco's nervousness and Draco could tell he found it amusing. "Draco" he said slowly "Please, do us the honor" He half bowed.
"I, I believe Aunt Bellatrix would enjoy this so much so, that I would not like to take that away from her, my, my lord." Voldemort sneered and did not miss Draco's tactic. "Do you believe what we believe young Malfoy?" He came closer to Draco. "Do you believe that we need to rid the blood lines of all the taint brought in from the Mudbloods and the blood traitors?" His voice was becoming increasingly louder. "Yes, my lord, I-I do."
"Then my boy, show us! Show us where your allegiance lies!" He hissed again. "You do not have to do this boy! Run! Run while you can!" The woman yelled. Draco looked up in her eyes and pleading her to forgive him. He would give anything to run away at this moment, anything. He tried to convey that in his eye-locked moment with her. He lifted his wand and the group became excited. He saw his Aunt Bellatrix from the corner of his eye with, what he believes, is an encouraging smile. He felt sick to his stomach. He clenched his wand so tightly that his knuckles had become white. "Go on boy. " The suspended woman replies. "Avada Kedavra!" he bellowed. "I forgive you…" she whispered looking right at him as the green light hit her body. And then a sickening THUMP!
Draco sat up quickly breathing hard and wet with sweat. He held his head in his hands trying to calm his breathing.
"Why did I agree to go with her to Diagon Alley today?" He grumbled to himself. Draco got himself ready. He did as his mother asked and shaved however he left a little of his beard. As usual, his mother came down ready to go. Looked at his beard disapprovingly and motioned for him to follow.
Draco was glad that he decided to keep the facial hair after they bumped into the Longbottoms. Neville looked at him questioningly. He was trying to place who the fair haired bearded man was. His eyes were hard and cold and he had lines where he never did before but when the signature smirk appeared on the man's face Neville knew exactly who it was.
Draco was having a hard time taking in Neville's grown up appearance. He stood tall, confident and proud. Contrary to the Longbottom he had once known.
"Hullo Draco, it has been a long time. How are you fairing these days?" There was a time where this would not have been a choice of Neville's - to strike up a conversation willingly with Draco Malfoy. However in the years that have followed the Wizarding War a lot has changed and so have the people.
Draco wasn't about to tell anyone of his internal struggles over the past few years. "I'm good. Long- Erm, Neville." He lied.
"Uhm, nice look you've got going there" Neville said jokingly, as he pointed to Draco's beard. Neville smiled weakly and Draco realized that regardless of the change into adulthood, Neville was still awkward Neville.
"Thank you, I try." He wasn't sure if he felt odd because they were having a civil conversation or because any time he sees anyone from school he normally tries to make a run for it and avoid them at all cost.
Then Draco noticed a small blonde looking off into space. Neville noticed in what direction Draco was looking and jumped slightly .
"Oh, Merlin! Sorry luv." Neville brought Luna forward. Luna looked as though she just checked into the world. "Oh, why hello Draco. Your beard is very fetching." She said smiling widely, eyes bright.
What Draco hadn't noticed until she turned around, was a protruding stomach and he had to work hard to not allow his eyes to bulge at the sight of her. However, this didn't go unnoticed by Neville. "Luna and I are expecting!" He beamed "Twins" Luna interjected airily. Draco cocked an eyebrow and looked at Neville.
"Uhm, that's grand Neville." He forced out, not knowing what the appropriate response was in this situation. "Neville, the boys are getting rambunctious in here. I believe they would like some treacle tart." Luna smiled lovingly at Neville. "We'll see you around Draco." He said as he turned to leave. It was then that Luna approached Draco and gave him a kiss on the cheek and smiled "It gets better" she said quietly and patted him lightly on his forearm where his Dark Mark used to be. "Don't be a stranger Draco, don't forget to owl us and come for tea!" Both Neville and Draco looked at Luna as though she were a two headed dragon.
Draco nodded stiffly as the couple turned and left down Diagon Alley to find a treacle tart.
"Longbottom and Lovegood? Why am I not surprised?" he muttered to himself as he turned to find his mother.
As he wandered to find his mother, Draco held his head low so as not to be recognized. He was glad it was a cool day and decided to wear a hooded cloak. As he walked on he was caught up in memories from school. "What a prat I was" he mumbled as he kicked some pebbles with his shoe.
He eventually found his mother and helped her carry her packages throughout the day. When it was almost five o'clock Narcissa insisted she make up something for Draco to eat. "Darling you have to eat. Come home and I'll make you some delicious pudding." She said in her attempt to cheer her son up. "No that's ok mum. I'll meet you in a bit" He faked a smile and waved goodbye to his mother. Narcissa looked over her shoulder worriedly and apparated.
Draco made his way to the Leaky Cauldron and sat down in the furthest corner of the place. He ordered some firewhiskey and nodded at Tom when he brought it to him. He sat there lost in thought staring off at some corner of the table. Lost in thought, dragged down by the memories with that ebbing pain and guilt he always felt when the memories flooded his brain.
When he was on his fifth glass of firewhiskey and was about to order his sixth Tom came over. "Mr. Malfoy-" "My father was Mr. Malfoy Tom." Draco slurred. "Draco," Tom eyed him over his glasses and lowered his voice, "If I let you have this glass I cannot let you apparate. I can set you up in a room if you'd like"
"You can't be serious!" Draco's voice went up a little until he realized that if he got any angrier and louder, he could be recognized. Feeling like he was starting a losing battle he sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair. He grabbed the newly filled glass of firewhiskey.
"I need a room Tom" He said and downed the glass.
a/n: I do not own any of the characters. They are original ideas and creations of J.K. Rowling.
