A/N: Immediately preceding episode 5. I loved that episode so much, and I just was overcome with needing to write something about Jo because I love her to bits and pieces like wow she's so cute. Anyway, it's mostly just inner monologue, but there's a bit of plot that moves things along slightly in preparation for the next episode. (I hope.) Okay, I'll shut up now and let you read the story. Enjoy!
(Also this was just hastily edited by myself, I might go through it again soon, but ignore any typos. I hope there aren't many.)
Also this is posted on archiveofourown under theredhoodie if you're interested.
Phantom Hands
She shouldn't have been so stupid, so naïve. She should have known better but somehow she had fallen into some sense of false security. That was more than ironic, considering the circumstances.
When she first heard that Danny was out of juvie, all the thoughts in her head pointed to the same thing: I hate him. Not a handful of weeks later and she was sitting in her and Rico's booth, putting some sticky pink gloss onto her lips, eagerly awaiting for the town's resident freak to walk through the doors.
On top of the dress, any form of makeup made her feel more than uncomfortable. Normally, she would have gone straight home to rid herself of the girlie constrictions, but she was positively giddy sitting there, waiting, heart clenching in her chest.
Maybe she was holding onto the thought of pre-incident Danny, imagining things that weren't there. It wasn't as if she had forgotten what he'd done, but what he had done didn't involve Regina's death—she told herself over and over in a chorus every night, because that was something she just could not handle—and she was determined to help him. And in helping him…
She was naïve and stupid for letting herself get caught up in her emotions. She had always been so good at acting like she didn't have any. A wallflower, someone who stayed on the outskirts of society, wanting nothing more than to just get through high school and away from this town and the memories associated with it.
Now she was standing smack dab in the middle of those memories as she fixed her hasty lip gloss application for a second time. The bell on the diner door was constantly jingling and she was beginning to wonder why they didn't just prop it open when she glanced up and her heart leapt into her throat.
Danny spotted her right away, obviously, sitting alone in the dress her mom had painstakingly modified for her, the one that led to him saying she looked incredible. She sucked in a much needed breath as his face broke into a smile—he was always smiling, she should have found it unnerving, but she didn't—and she rolled her eyes. She was happy to see him, jittery from their dance, not even the least bit annoyed by Rico's conversation, and she felt self-conscious because maybe she was trying to hard. She was definitely trying too hard.
And then everything came crashing down.
Lacey slipped through the door after him, looking like a lost doe. She often had that expression on her face these days. She looked amazing. Lacey wasn't trying to hard; she never tired too hard.
No, that was Jo Masterson's specialty. All giddy feelings were gone, replaced by self-degrading thoughts and embarrassment. She ducked her head and tried to wipe off the pink on her lips, but she worried about smudging it all over her face. She felt uncomfortable being around Lacey. How dumb was that? She was perfectly at ease with Danny, but not with the innocent girl that used to be her best friend.
Lace scooted into the other side of the booth and Danny sat in front of Jo. She tried not to wear her emotions on her face, so it fell to her normal mask-of-non-emotion that she hoped wasn't cracked because of her confusion.
(It didn't. She looked angry and disappointed.)
"What's going on?" Eyes on Danny. She didn't feel like looking at Lacey. She didn't want Lacey to be here.
He leaned forward a little. This was serious. "Lacey…Lacey uh…found something."
It was very serious. Jo would have to put aside her feelings and deal with what was being presented. She promised Danny she would help him and she couldn't go back on that promise. Not until they answered some of the questions that kept popping up.
It didn't matter. Lacey showed her the letter. Jo knew better than to steal someone else's mail; this was a crime. Every part of her wanted to scream "Bring it to the police station, this is too big…we're just kids, what if we screw everything up?" but that wasn't what happened. She was stubborn and she didn't want to give Lacey any satisfaction. (When did she get so bitter?)
They made plans to meet somewhere less public the next day, but the place and time fell on deaf ears. She was too aggravated to concentrate. The entire day had been a whirlwind; it had had so much promise, but it had ended badly and all Jo wanted was to rewind time and never have Danny go to the festival with her. It would have kept emotional ties cleaner. But she didn't have a time machine. The only thing she could do was to get away.
Her parents had gone home. She said she was meeting Rico, just to keep her dad happy. Danny hadn't been with her at the time, so he had probably thought she was telling the truth. (When did she get so good at lying?)
"I…I need to get home," she said, mentally cursing her choice of dress. It seemed to have curled its way around her legs so that she couldn't easily slip out of the booth. She stumbled but caught herself, gripping her sweatshirt in her hands. Danny quirked his eyebrows in such a way that she assumed he was concerned but she didn't stop to think about it. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." The words felt like a numb sting on her tongue.
"Why don't you let Lace drive you home?" Danny…he was making storming away—before angry tears that were prickling the back of her eyes made their way to the forefront and she made a fool of herself—very difficult.
Lacey nodded. "I don't mind. It's late and I have my car."
Jo shook her head. "No, I'm fine. I'll walk."
"But your dress," Lacey said automatically as Jo took one step closer to the door.
Jo paused and let out a breath. Stop it, she chided herself. "I don't care about this stupid dress," she said angrily before she marched out of the diner, bumping into someone on the other side of the door. She didn't apologize and she kept walking.
This was stupid. She was stupid. This whole night was stupid. Things couldn't ever be like they were before. She should have known better. How could she have been so stupid?
A large part of her, the part that wasn't angry like a hungry wildfire, wanted Danny to come after her. She thought he would have…but Lacey was there. The angry part of her pinned the blame on her old friend; she was the one keeping Danny from finding out what was wrong with her.
She didn't even stop to try to find Rico amid the lazy crowds. She should have realized that if…because Danny was innocent, a killer of teenage girls was still out there and she shouldn't be walking home alone but she wasn't thinking clearly.
Just getting out of this dress was going to feel wonderful. She felt like she had been spending the night pretending she was somebody she wasn't. She had changed in the last five years. She wasn't the girl who dressed up and danced and got involved. She was invisible and she preferred it that way.
Not halfway home, she took off her shoes and walked barefoot. The road was cool under her aching feet, her oversized sweatshirt hanging by her wrists because she was too warm to wear it on her shoulders.
It was late by the time she got home. She was relieved. She was safe. She could shut the front door of the house and forget for the night. As long as her dad was asleep.
Tess was still awake, sitting in the living room. Jo pushed open the unlocked front door and padded quietly into the house. It didn't escape her mother's notice.
"Hi sweetie." She didn't notice Jo's obviously exhausted state.
"I'm going to shower," Jo answered, not stopping and continuing up the stairs. Her mom didn't stop her. She didn't even know what time it was, but she was thankful there was no school the next day.
The second she had unzipped the bodice, it felt like she could breathe for the first time that night. The dress pooled on the ground and she didn't move to pick it up. Instead, she picked up the folded towel on the seat shoved in the corner and wrapped it around herself before walking across the hall to the bathroom.
She wasn't going to shower. Without realizing it, she had plugged the tub and it was filling with water. There were bath bubbles sitting in the linen wardrobe next to the foot of the tub.
Jo hadn't taken a bath in years. She was known for her five minute showers before bed so that her hair was perfectly messy when she woke up the next day. But she needed to relax, to regroup, to think.
The water was like burning coals against her chilled flesh as she stepped into the water. A shiver ran up her spine before she sucked in a breath and slipped completely under. It stung her face and she wiped soap out of her eyes with relatively soapy hands, resulting in more stinging. She told her that was the reason why a handful of tears escaped her eyes.
She stretched out her legs as far as they would go and leaned her head back against the curve of the tub, her chin dipping into the water. She moved her hands in nonsense designs through the water, creating a coating of bubbles along the surface.
Narrowed green eyes stared daggers into the tiled wall by the faucet. She was so angry. But who was she angry at?
Lacey.
It wasn't Danny; he hadn't done anything. He had put his trust in her, he had come to her hoping for some form of friendship and she had given it. Lacey hadn't, yet she was suddenly going to Danny with new things to show that he was innocent? That wasn't Lacey. Jo knew that Lacey had high suspicions that Danny had killed Regina and it irked Jo that Lacey was suddenly acting as if she had never once thought that, that it was okay to be sitting in the same booth as the boy who Regina dubbed socio.
Lacey had no right pushing herself into the middle of what Jo and Danny started. Not when she had such strong doubts. Doubts weren't going to help prove that Danny was innocent.
Maybe she was feeling a bit selfish also. She had been (still was?) Danny's only friend in town. The one person who wasn't scared to be seen walking next to him in school or in the square. Even Rico was still scared of him, so he barely counted. Jo had grown accustomed to having Danny to herself.
That's where things started to get messy.
Friends were one thing. But she was feeling things that were more than friendly and she hadn't even realized she had fallen so far until she changed her mind about going to the thing tonight because Danny said the dress her mom picked out would look nice. I think you'd look amazing in it. And that was it. She changed her mind. Because she felt a pull, a tug like a hook in her navel yanking her forward. She liked the compliments Danny gave her, the way they sounded in his voice.
She sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, closing her eyes as she did so. She was here to relax, not wind herself up. So she was selfish, so she liked Danny. She could overcome that. If she could overcome everything that happened five years ago, she could do the same now. She just hoped it wouldn't take years. No, it wouldn't. She'd need to decide what to do now.
Now, she was sucked into that part of herself that had been nudging at the back of her brain for days and kicking for the last two.
Whether it was just confused, overwhelming feelings of familiarity and hope and longing, but she liked Danny more than she should. Especially if it turned out he did kill Regina. The thought set a cold seed in her stomach that branched out to the tips of her fingers. Letting out a groan of frustration, she lifted a hand out of the water and clamped it over her eyes.
She couldn't think like that. Doubts were not allowed, not from her. Danny had secrets, secrets that she was dying to know, but she couldn't expect him to spill everything just because they were best friends for years. She had grown to trust him, something her father and many other people of the town greatly disapproved of.
But tonight had felt so normal, so natural. It was a peek at what could have been if Danny hadn't…done what he had done. If that day had passed normally and they all went home that night and nothing bad happened. If he'd never left town and they'd gone through the awkward stages of those five years together, instead of him away in juvie and her fading away into the background of life.
Nothing about the night felt wrong until Lacey had shown up at the diner. Everyone had been forced to act normally even with Danny involved and by then she had stopped even paying attention to everyone else. She had Danny-vision, from the awkward meeting with the Mayor and her father, to the apple toss, even through the paired off conversation between her dad and Danny and her and her mother. Jo hadn't had that much fun in a long time and she didn't even feel embarrassed about jumping into their childish funny dance. People stared at them like they had three heads each but she really could have cared less.
And the dancing…well the dancing afterwards was completely different. She should have protested more, but he insisted and she told herself that it was okay. They hadn't gotten all that close, proximity wise, ever since he came back into her life. The time she was drunk didn't count because she hardly remembered how she got home from that party. They were close, hands in the proper dancing places, but it felt more intimate than most anything else she could think of.
(Naïve she'd been.)
Cheesy as it sounded, it was as if the world had dropped off and everything was normal and no one was judging them from the sidelines. (Of course they were.) His hands didn't feel murderous, but thinking back she knew it felt dangerous, but in the sort of way where it was more enthralling than frightening.
She wasn't just doing this to go against her father's wishes. She wasn't that kind of girl. She just wanted everyone to give Danny a chance. Like she had. And still would, despite the addition of Lacey.
Distance was the best way to approach a problem like this. She would have to distance herself emotionally from Danny, but she didn't want to.
She didn't want to erase the feeling of his hand on her waist, the feel of his hands in hers; she wanted that feeling forever burned into her skin. If she could have that, maybe she could make it through until…how long would this take? (A long time.)
Feeling passionate wasn't typically something that Jo did. She had little to be passionate about. But she was determined to be on Danny's side, even if that meant shelving her emotions. Because wouldn't that ruin everything? Did she ruin everything tonight?
She shouldn't have rested her head on his shoulder but she couldn't help herself. She didn't even stop to think. There had been no thought process from the spin to the dip to the (slightly romantic) swaying afterwards. The swaying was nice. Really very nice. The closeness was a memory she wanted seared into her mind for an eternity, in case things just got worse and not better.
Jo wasn't known for being optimistic.
It didn't make sense and she knew it. No wonder her dad was so worried. She had stepped into dangerous waters with two feet without even a blink (okay there had been a small blink) and look how twisted up her insides were turning out to be? She would give anything to go back to being simple Jo, just wanting to get away from this town, instead of staying to try to…what, save it? No…save Danny from it.
As if he needed saving. He didn't. She knew it. The last thing he needed was to be saved.
Nope. If anyone needed saving…it was Jo.
Or…no? Yes?
Her brain was fuzzy and she wasn't entirely sure if she was asleep or awake, suspended in air or on her feet. Was this was an out of body experience felt like?
(Was she supposed to be thinking of post-death experiences after spending a night with Danny?)
Thoughts were sacred, they were own, and they could be shattered.
Her heart thudded in her chest and not in the good way. In the way where it felt like it was beating too hard and fast and it was close to exploding. Her ribcage felt tight and an overwhelming sense of panic crept through her limbs.
Either a light was turned on, or her vision cleared. Maybe it was both. (When did she live in a world of black and white?) An absence of color greeted her. The small room was lit up slowly, like a flashlight bobbing along, illuminating everything at a pace. Tiles, sink, cabinet, tub.
She might have been crying.
No, she was sobbing. Sobs that wracked her shoulders, choked her and made her hands shake. This wasn't her house, but she stumbled forward with a jarring motion, pushing back the heavy shower curtain and crawling into the smooth shower floor. Her muscles resisted as she reached for the faucet. She twisted it, not caring about temperature and collapsed back.
She didn't know why she was so upset. What had happened? She was scared, right to the bone.
Fully dressed, the water sprayed her face from where it attacked and soon filled the bottom of the shower with an inch of water. She barely moved her foot from over the drain and the water was sucked away. She scooted farther from the spray of the water, until it was hitting her ankles and legs, both of which were being hugged to her chest. Her hair gathered water and fell heavy around her face. Her lips quivered and she wondered why she was here and why she was alone.
Not for long. A door creak and a muffled spoke word that wouldn't have been heard even if the faucet wasn't on.
It was Danny. He came into view, perching on the thick edge of the bathtub. Stretching his hand toward the faucet, she lurched forward to grab his wrist. Her fingers felt stiff and cold and warmth seeped into her skin. She might have said something, or maybe she didn't. She couldn't tell.
Suddenly, he was taking her hands and pulling her to her feet. She was close to soaking wet, but a panic still clutched at her chest.
Stay.
Maybe it was spoken, maybe it was just thought, but it happened anyway.
Before she knew it, he was climbing in, his back against the slope of the back of the tub and she was shaking and sitting and resting back against his chest. He was solid warmth behind her as the jet of water hit her torso. It was lukewarm she noticed, something she hadn't been able to tell before.
Legs bent and rested against one side, she closed her eyes and sucked in a breath that was less shaky than moments before. Her hands trembled and she clasped them together against her chest, eyes turned toward the angry grey spout that was suddenly draining out all of the water. She was completely drenched, everything was waterlogged, making movements uncomfortable.
She no longer felt like crying and she felt Danny's hand on one of her shoulders for the first time. Everything about him was a comfort, bringing her mind away from whatever had happened that had led her here. She lifted her hand to curl it around his and moved her other to press against her abdomen, fingers splaying out, forearm resting against Danny's leg.
He was murmuring something again. Something important? Something relaxing? Something bad? She couldn't tell. She felt calmer, but still tenser than she should have been. She breathed out and closed her eyes. She could feel Danny's heartbeat, steady and constant. She barely reacted when he brought in his arm from its spot along the edge of the tub to cover her hand with his own. Warmth spread through her abdomen like her hand wasn't even there.
"Jo? Jo, hunnie? Are you okay?" A rap on the door was the final push.
Jo awoke with a start and a splash. She blinked widely and found herself in her own bathroom in cold bathwater, her mother's voice coming through the door. "I'm…I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute," she said, hopping that her tone was loud enough for Tess to hear.
She had fallen asleep. And dreamed…taking in an uncertain breath, Jo stood quickly and pulled the drain, letting the water swirl for a few moments before she turned on the showerhead and set the water to red hot. She felt phantom hands on places that there shouldn't be phantom hands, especially when she knew exactly whose hands they were.
She scrubbed away the night. She washed away any lingering scents, the makeup on her face, the chemicals in her hair, the feeling of Danny's hands in the places where he had and hadn't touched.
Once cleaned, she was shaken, rattled, uncertain and she just wanted to sleep. Towel drying her hair, she let it drip down her shoulders and wrapped the towel around her chest before scooting back to her room. A few minutes later, she was dressed in a dark sweater and pajama pants and was padding down the stairs, where her mom was waiting.
"Are you okay?" were the first kind words that left Tess' mouth.
Jo's mouth quirked up in a ghost of a smile. "I'm okay," she replied automatically.
Tess smiled then, standing up and walking over to Jo. She lifted her hands and squeezed Jo's arms. "You…looked very happy tonight."
A simple observation, but one that her mother was of course bound to notice. And she had been happy. Until she wasn't.
"I was," she replied, because it was the truth.
Her mom didn't say anything else, only pulled her close for one of her signature, yet rare, super-mom hugs. Jo appreciated it. She bunched her fingers up in her mom's loose top and pressed her face into her mom's shoulder and she told herself that this was it. This had to stop or things were going to get hard.
Harder. They were already hard. And she didn't know how much longer she was going to be able to handle this before she broke whatever fragile psyche she had managed to fix in the past five years.
Tess rubbed her back and stepped back with a watery smile. "I think we both need some sleep. I had some wine…and you look exhausted."
"Thanks, Mom," Jo countered with sarcasm and an eye roll, trying to portray that she wasn't feeling as bad as she actually was. She would be fine. She just needed some separation, some time away from the quicksand.
Two minutes later, with the lights off and her mom tucked into bed next to her snoring dad, Jo crawled into her own bed, thankful for the softness but close to dreading what other dreams her subconscious mind would come up with once she closed her eyes. She just wanted to sleep, she didn't want to wake up feeling more conflicted than she already was.
She couldn't keep leading herself on when she had no idea what Danny was feeling. Ever, really. He wasn't the most caring and sharing of people. Maybe…he would be. But maybe she wouldn't be around to find out. Maybe she would be off in college, starting her new life without that hanging over her head.
Not allowing herself to think that any sort of thing would happen (not to mention what it would do to her family) between herself and Danny, Jo decided that living in her dreams was probably the best way to get rid of her feelings. Live through them and then they'd be gone, in the past, she could move on.
It seemed like a smart idea as she scooted under the covers and curled onto her side, but she kept her eyes open for as long as she could before exhaustion overtook her and pushed heavy lids down. She shifted slightly, settling down into a comfortable position and letting out a relaxed breath.
She would deal with her emotions on the anger side of the spectrum tomorrow. She was much too tired and she felt much too vulnerable to deal with those harsh red feelings any more tonight. She wanted warmth and comfort and for some reason that came in the shape of Danny. She could live with that.
