Send to All

A/N: Based on the game 'Send to All' that was featured on the Michael McIntyre Chat Show. I loved that show, it made me laugh so much!

GGG.

Hermione sometimes wondered why she had ever convinced Harry to get a muggle mobile phone. At first he had needed it for work. It was a requirement for undercover Auror missions that frayed into the muggle world. But eventually Hermione had managed to convert him to a decent phone and as a result he actually used it for something other than work.

Most muggle-borns had mobile phones these days, as did half-bloods. Some pure-bloods had even seen the appeal of the muggle technology. If you were out and needed to talk to someone it was easy, you didn't need to find a fireplace or send an owl and wait for a reply. Wizards and witches who could produce a corporeal patronus mostly thought they were pointless but not everyone was able to do that.

Harry's only problem was that he never kept his phone locked, and he always left it lying around for anyone to peek at. Hermione decided to make an example of him for this one night when she was, admittedly very drunk. She had just stopped breast-feeding her son Hugo. As a result it had been bloody ages since she had actually been able to drink.

So the three bottles of red wine that she and Harry had split between them, well they had really gone to her head. The problem with sharing Harry as a best friend meant that she and Ron rarely got to see him together because one of them always had to watch the children. They knew that they could ask Molly, but as a rule they tried not to. She had 8 other grandchildren to juggle, Ron and Hermione didn't want to give her anymore work.

As it was, Hermione was spending the evening at Harry's flat. Ron used to worry about Hermione going to Harry's alone and coming back pissed as a newt. However when Harry and Ginny had announced that they were separating after the birth of their youngest son, Albus, things changed. The Weasley's were upset at first, and Ron was angry until Harry got drunk and had an emotional breakdown about the fact that the whole marriage had been a sham because he was gay. Ron had stared at him for a moment and then he laughed in relief because he had been terrified that Harry and Hermione were having an affair.

So here they were, 29 and 28 years old respectively, pushing on the big 30. Harry was divorced with two lovely little boys, Jamie and Al. And Hermione was still married to Ron, still despairing at how much of an idiot he was while smiling fondly at him. She had two beautiful children, and yet she and Harry still got together once a month to catch up and admittedly to gossip. It had only improved now that she could drink again. God, she had missed red wine.

In her slightly tipsy state Hermione got a rather wicked idea. She grabbed Harry's phone and went to his texts. He had the same phone as her so she could operate it easily. She selected 'send to all' and then typed up a quick text, giggling as she did so. When it was finished it read, "Still gutted about the break-up. I need to get out and have a bit of fun again. Me and you, lap dancing. Are you in or out? Come on, let's do this!"

Hermione tried to control herself as she slipped Harry's phone into her back pocket. When he re-entered the room with some nibbles and another bottle of wine she was perfectly composed.

"So like I was saying before I went to get this," Harry said with a general wave of his hand as he sat down next to her on the sofa, "Justin ended things with me."

"I thought you broke up with him," Hermione said in surprise.

Harry shook his head, "Nope, apparently I work too much."

"You do work too much," Hermione said pointedly.

"I know," Harry sighed, "But I did really like Justin. I don't know about love, I don't even know what it is anymore but he was a really good guy."

"And then there was all that awesome gay sex," Hermione giggled.

Harry grinned, "Well I don't need Justin for that. I have a lot of friends."

"Uh-huh," Hermione smirked, "Gay friends?"

"Experimental friends at least," Harry said in amusement, "But it was just nice having someone to hug at night and share dinners with."

"Well it wouldn't have lasted," Hermione said matter of factly, "He wasn't very keen on the children, was he? You need someone who'll take Jamie and Al out with you. Someone who can handle that."

"I know," Harry yawned, "It's just that Gin and me were together for so long. I got used to the companionship, despite the lack of sex."

Hermione smiled sympathetically and then Harry's phone began to buzz like mad in her back pocket. She giggled and threw up an easy shield charm to stop Harry from reaching over to her.

"I stole your phone and sent a little text out to everyone," Hermione grinned as she pulled the phone from her pocket.

Harry's face paled, "Oh God...Hermione, what did it say?"

Hermione giggled more than ever, "It said this; Still gutted about the break-up. I need to get out and have a bit of fun again. Me and you, lap dancing. Are you in or out? Come on, let's do this!"

Harry's eyes popped, "Hermione! I have Ron on there! Oh my God, who has replied? What have they said? Oh shit Hermione, my boss is in my contacts! My boss!"

Hermione managed to stop giggling for long enough to start reading out the texts, "Ooh is Roy Davidson your boss?"

Harry nodded warily, "Oh fuck, what did he say?"

Hermione cackled, "Harry, I'm sure you don't mean me. My dancing days are long over, but have a good night. Best, Roy."

Harry let his head fall into his hands, "Hermione," he whined.

"It gets better!" Hermione said eagerly, "Theodore Nott replied, how do you know him?"

"He's an Unspeakable, I've worked a few cases with him," Harry replied with narrowed eyes.

"Well he's totally up for it," Hermione giggled, "You know what I'm like, totally in. Can't do tonight because I'm working tomorrow morning. Male or female lap dancers? I'm game either way."

"Oh god," Harry muttered.

"I think I might have gotten you laid," Hermione grinned, "Oh god, Ron replied!"

Harry raised an eyebrow at Hermione, "What did he say?"

Hermione laughed loudly, "He knows us too well. He said, "What mate? Has Hermione gotten drunk and nicked your phone?"

Harry actually laughed, "That's not so bad. Are there more?"

"Plenty more," Hermione chuckled, "They're coming in by the second. Gosh, Justin replied! He said, "Not sure that's a good idea given what just happened. By all means have fun without me, you normally do."

"Well," Harry said irritably, "Could he get any bitterer if he tried?"

Hermione glanced at Harry sympathetically, "On the bright side there are a couple of interesting replies. Ooh there's one from Oliver Wood!"

Harry grimaced, "Oliver Wood who I had a very hot fling with last Christmas?"

"Uh-huh," Hermione said, "This one is saucy. It says, Don't you remember the last time we went to a lap dancing club? You got drunk and gave me a private dance in the bathroom of the club ;) FYI I am totally up for reliving that experience. Sorry Justin broke up with you, but you are way too fit for him."

Harry cringed.

Hermione grinned, "I am seriously going to get you a date here Harry. I mean so far you have your choice of Theodore Nott or Oliver Wood."

Harry groaned, "This is so embarrassing."

Hermione cackled once more, she was evil. How had she not been in Slytherin? He didn't know why he was friends with her.

"Oh Susan Bones replied, how do you know her?"

"She's the Assistant Head of the DMLE," Harry cringed.

"Well she said, At last some real dancing. What was that you called dancing at the department Christmas party? I'm in!"

Harry laughed nervously, "Oh Godric, work on Monday...I have to go to work on Monday."

"Oh dear," Hermione said sheepishly, "Ginny replied and she's not too happy."

"Oh man," Harry said in disbelief.

"Shouldn't you be more worried about looking after your children than drowning your sorrows in alcohol and sex, Harry?"

"Great, now my ex-wife thinks I'm a terrible Father," Harry said with a shake of his head.

"I'll explain to her," Hermione promised, "Oh my gosh, Luna replied! She said, "100% in. I never say no to an invite."

Harry barked out a laugh, and Hermione cackled at the next text, "And Bill said, "There's a time and place for everything Harry. I'll be there."

Harry didn't know whether to shake his head in disbelief, laugh or melt into the ground in embarrassment, "Oh Merlin, I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Well there are still quite a lot of texts," Hermione giggled, "Neville is so up for this! "Very kind offer, but I'm not about this week. Got a big Herbology project on the go. Tuesday I can do, Witching Hour in Knockturn alley, super venue."

Harry barked out a laugh, "Neville said that? Oh holy Helga, I need to have a night out with him! Neville, up for going to a lap dancing club!" he had lost it.

Hermione wasn't much better, she had to take a few minutes to compose herself and gulp down a large sip of wine before she could continue, "Oh and there's a reply from Blaise Zabini."

"He's a lawyer, I know him through work," Harry said, answering Hermione's silent question.

Hermione giggled as she read the text, "Are you kidding? Of course I'm in. Do you want to do this now? It's happy hour till 10 tonight in Knockturn."

"Oh by Godric's ghost, Blaise Zabini wants to go to a lap dancing club with me," Harry snorted, "This can't get much worse."

"Well you have another reply from a Weasley brother," Hermione grinned, "George just replied, "Yes, yes, yes!"

Harry snorted.

"And there's a reply from someone called Daphne Greengrass?" Hermione said curiously.

"Oh she's just a woman I know from work. She does undercover work for us," Harry said in amusement, "She's the only woman apart from Ginny that I've ever slept with but she's a Metamorphmagus so she can-"

"However that story ends, I don't want to hear it," Hermione said, holding her hand up in amusement, "She did say this though, "Someone has a short memory. The last time we went lap dancing you pulled something Potter, and it wasn't a muscle."

Harry's cheeks flushed, "Yeah we won't talk about that story either," he said quickly.

Hermione raised an amused eyebrow at him, "Another Weasley brother! Charlie said, "Definitely. Will have to be Wandlust though. I'm banned from Poledust."

Harry's cheeks turned even pinker, and Hermione looked at him curiously, "Those are both gay clubs."

"Yep," Harry said sheepishly, "They are."

"You and Charlie Weasley?"

"Once!" Harry exclaimed, "It was once, and Ginny doesn't know so I would like to keep it that way."

"When did this happen?" Hermione asked in amusement.

"Christmas Eve," Harry muttered.

"In the Burrow?" Hermione shrieked, "Oh my gosh! In Charlie's old bedroom?"

Harry nodded, his cheeks were now the colour of Ron's hair, "Yes, can we drop this please? And can I have my bloody phone back?"

Hermione shook her head in disbelief, "I can't believe you never told me that. And no you can't have it back because you have one more text from...Draco Malfoy."

Harry's eyes widened, "Oh shit, he's my Auror partner! Oh my god."

Hermione bit her lip, "Well his reply is interesting."

"Why? What does it say?" Harry asked quickly.

"Why are you so eager to know?" Hermione smirked, "This doesn't have anything to do with your lifelong crush on him, does it?"

"What lifelong crush?" Harry asked, his cheeks well and truly red now.

Hermione continued to smirk at him, "It does have something to do with that then. Well that's interesting, considering he and Astoria divorced last year."

"Just tell me what the bloody text says, Hermione!"

"As you wish," Hermione grinned, "It says, What the fuck Potter? I ask Scorpius to read me the text as I was busy cooking. He said 'Daddy I think Uncle Harry wants to see you naked'. What am I going to say now for Salazar's sake? Anyway, tell me where and when and I'll be there."

Harry's jaw dropped.

Hermione's grin widened, "And he put a winking emoticon at the end."

"He what?"

Hermione just crossed her arms and looked at Harry smugly, "I'm going to reply."

"No, Hermione! Don't!"

But Hermione was already replying, "Sorry for scarring Scorpius but for the record I do want to see you naked."

"No, Hermione!" Harry whined as she sent the text and grinned at Harry.

"You are the world's worst best friend," Harry grumbled, smashing through the barrier she had put around herself with one thrust of his hand. He wrestled the phone from her and glared at her, "You're like my annoying meddling older sister."

"Well my meddling is going to get you laid one way or another," Hermione grinned, "And for the record, Draco is far better for you than Justin. He has a son the same age as James, and he loves kids."

"Yeah he's also my Auror partner and I'm pretty sure he's not gay," Harry said irritably as his phone pinged. He checked his phone anxiously, and his jaw dropped when he saw the text from Draco.

Hermione jumped up, "What does it say?"

Harry tried to compose himself, "It...uh...it says...Sounds interesting Potter. Scorpius has just gone to bed. Does Ginny have the kids this weekend? I'll pour you a firewhiskey. Use the bedroom fireplace."

Hermione looked so goddamn smug. Harry wanted to roll his eyes at her, but he was too busy staring at his phone. She kissed him on the cheek and grabbed her coat, "Well I will be going home to my husband. Have a good night."

Harry grinned broadly at her, "Hermione, I love you."

Hermione returned his grin, "So you should, you would be miserable without me. Night Harry."

"Night Hermione," Harry said as he threw floo powder into the fireplace frantically.

THE END