Sometimes it`s Ana who wakes me up.
This time Mia woke me up, and that`s when I knew this was going to be an awful day.
"Wakey wakey, Jamie. It`s already another day you get to be a fuck up!" Mia yelled in a cheerful voice.
I laid there for a few minutes before I managed to get myself out of bed, groaning when a sharp pain in my ribs stopped me from moving.
"Oh come on now, don`t be such a baby, it`s not even that bad" Mia said with clearly disinterest in her voice.
I chose to ignore her, I didn`t feel like dealing with this today, I didn`t feel like dealing with it any day actually.
Suddenly someone opened the bedroom door, and sneaking his head in I could see it was Kendall.
"Hey James. Now that you`re awake, come get breakfast, mom made your favorite chocolate chip pancakes" Kendall said smiling.
My mouth watered at the thought of food. I haven`t been eating that much lately, maybe one bite of pancakes won`t hurt…
"Don`t you even think about it James. Do you know how many calories are in those? You don`t want to be fat, now do you Jamie?"
I cringed at her voice in my ear, of course she wouldn`t let me have it, after all she was right.
"No, I don`t" I whispered.
"James, you ok man?" Kendall asked clearly confused at what I just said.
"I mean, yeah sure I`ll be out in a minute, just let me take a quick shower" I said, adding a fake smile at the end.
Kendall seemed to buy the lie, like he always does.
He smiled visibly relaxed. –Ok, don`t take too long- And with that he was out of the door.
Sighing as I entered the shower, thoughts seemed to fill my head.
Sometimes I really wish someone would notice the cuts on my arms, or how much weight I`ve lost, all they would have to do is ask, but of course, they can`t see through the mask, nobody can.
And that`s why if Big Time Rush doesn`t work, I should get an acting job. After all, I`ve been pretending ever since we came to Hollywood.
Back when we came to Hollywood…
That`s when it all started, when the pressure to be perfect got to me, when it all became too much, when I couldn`t rely on my best friends, only on the voices; only on Ana and Mia.
Sometimes Claire would talk, though it was really weird, she rarely even talked, never wanting to get in a fight with Ana or Mia, I couldn`t blame her though, those two were pretty bad sometimes.
I liked Claire, she was the only one who tried to stop me from doing this, but I couldn`t. As much as I hated to admit it Mia was right, I`m just a fuck up.
That`s why I need to be perfect.
That`s why I need to be thin, even if I starve myself to death in the process.
