Title: Giving Up

Author: Sven Fenette

Summary: Giving Up isn't a strange concept to me, I've wanted to do that for a long time now. I just can't. I'm not strong enough . . . Sakura's view on herself - of giving up - and of Team 7.


Giving Up

Giving up . . . That's not a very strange concept to me. I had always lean myself on giving up. I wanted to give up when I was child, being bullied. I wanted to give up when my brother died. I wanted to just go and tell the world to piss off and leave the annoying little pink haired girl alone. Unfortunately, I'm not even strong enough to give up.

And then, Naruto came and gave me that strange concept, determination. It changed me for the better.

It was the determination to change that made me persevere. It was the determination to catch up with my teammates that made me want to grow stronger. The determination to walk side-by-side with them made me realize how far behind I really am.

I trained hard. I worked my ass twenty four seven. I made sure that not a single mistake would be made. My perspiration had fallen on the dry field at Training Field 3. Countless blood from countless people had stained my palms. Be it to save or to kill.

I changed.

Many people complimented me. They thanked me for helping them. They told me how I'm strong enough to lift boulders, to slice a mountain by two. I smile and thank them. I think that maybe, just maybe, I may finally be able to walk with them.

Unfortunately, it seems that whatever I do, it's just not enough. I turn a boulder to pebbles, they can destroy boulders into nothing but dirt and dust. I can slice a mountain by half, they can destroy it wholy. I fight off twenty men and live, they can defeat an army of men and live unscathed.

Sometimes, I just want to cry out how it isn't fair.

It just isn't.

Through blood, sweat, and tears I manage to climb a floor of the building. They can effortlessly waltz into dozen of floors.

Sometimes I think of giving up . . .

Of just saying, 'To hell with it, I'm through with this bullshit!'.

But in the end, I'm not strong enough to do that.

I have my duties, I tell myself. After that, I'll just curl in my bed and wish for the end. I'm giving up.

And then,

It's not so bad. It's just training. It won't hurt. And maybe, I'll be able to catch up to them. Finally.

I whisper those words to my ears. Sweet nothings, that's what they are. The things I long for but cannot be. Delusions by a third wheel left by her teammates.

I am not deaf. No matter how much I pretend to be, I am not deaf. I can hear their murmurs, their gossips, their wanna-be conclusions.

". . . Left behind . . ."

" . . . Weakest . . ."

" . . . Last . . . Pathetic . . ."

" . . . Different . . . Brother . . ."

She would clench her fist and try hard not to sucker punch them. She would smile at them as if she never heard them. And when she is in the comfort of her room, she cries.

I cry because it is true.

I cry because I am the weakest.

I cry because - perhaps - that is the reason why I am always left behind.

I cry because it hurts.

I cry because she wanted to hate them for leaving me behind but I never could.

I couldn't hate them when I think of Naruto's blinding smile full of sincerity, of Sasuke's apathetic gesture but you could see in his eyes that he cares, of Sai's cluelessness but protective nature, and of Kakashi-sensei's cheerful facade masking away his emotions.

In the end, I would fall asleep with my tear-soaked pillow, awaiting to greet the new day with another perfect fake smile.