I popped another pill into my mouth before heading off to school. It was cold outside. I really needed a new jacket. The ride to school seemed longer than usual. Apparently I was running late because I had to park in the very back of the lot. I ran to class and barely made it on time. No one talked to me. Another normal day. At lunch I stared at the empty table across the room. 5 empty chairs that tore at my heart each and every day. I knew Mike was staring at me but I ignored him. He just wanted to help. I didn't want any help though.
When I got into my truck at the end of the day I pulled out the bottle from my bag. One more pill wouldn't hurt. These things didn't work at all. As I was driving I saw someone walking up the road. It was Jacob. He waved me down. I leaned over the seat and unlocked the door. He jumped in and slammed it. A moment of silence.
"Hey Bells."
"Hi Jacob."
"How ya doing?"
"I'm fine."
He grabbed my bag. He reached in and found the bottle.
"Are you still taking these things?"
"They help."
"Come on Bells, you told me yourself that they don't work."
"I lied."
He gave a look.
"Antidepressants wont make it better Bella."
I tried to ignore him as I started up the road again.
"Jacob I'm just taking them for Charlie. He thinks they will help me get over…you know?"
He nodded. I knew he saw right through me. We both knew this wasn't about Charlie. I just wanted the pain to go away. I never got better. The pain never dulled. It never got any better. Sometimes it even got worse. I tried so hard not to think of him. Everyday I couldn't stop his face from entering my mind. Why did I have to think of him. I knew I was just hurting myself.
"Bella?"
"Huh?"
"Bella pull over."
"Why?"
"Your gonna get us both killed."
"Jake was are you talking about."
"Bells your crying all over the place and swerving a lot."
I touched my face. Sure enough there were tears. I pulled over and turned off the engine. I pressed my forehead into my hands. Here it was again. That same pain. My stomach hurt so bad. I tried to hold it all in for Jacob. He didn't need to see me like this. I know it hurt him. He didn't say anything. He just let me get it out.
"Jake I'll drop you off at your house okay."
"Sure, sure."
We didn't talk the rest of the way there. He played with my crappy radio until it must have frustrated him enough to give up. I pulled up outside the tiny house. Jacob looked over at me. He lightly punched my shoulder.
"It will get better Bells."
Then he jumped out.
The house was quiet and empty when I got home. I went upstairs and sprawled out on my bed. Poor Jacob. I should really stay away from him. All I was doing was hurting him. What an awful person I am. I'm going to drive Jake away the way I did Edward. Oh. Pain burst into my stomach. Tears started running down my face again. I wrapped my arms around myself and curled into a ball.
When I woke up it was dark. I jumped up. Oh Charlie! The alarm clock next to my bed said it was almost 8. I wondered if he just made his own dinner. I ran downstairs. Charlie was sitting in the living room eating a large piece of pizza.
"I ordered pizza. You looked so comfortable I didn't want to bother you."
"Oh dad I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep!"
"Bella it's fine. I know you don't sleep at night. You needed that rest."
I didn't say anything. He was absolutely right.
"There is still plenty of pizza in there for you."
I nodded and made my way to the kitchen.
The pizza was good. I ate alone in the kitchen. It was kind of nice to not have to cook for once. The clock said 9 when I was done. I put the rest of the pizza into the fridge and cleaned up. When everything was spotless I walked up to my room. I didn't even bother saying good night to Charlie. I was halfway to my bed when my foot got caught on a loose floor board and I fell. I scraped my hands up. The piece of wood got tore up from the rest of the floor. I crawled over and went to put it back when something caught my attention. In a small space under where the wood had been was a pile of things I recognized. I reached down and picked up a picture laying on top. It was the picture of Edward I had taken with my new camera. He looked so happy. The picture under it was the one that Charlie had taken of us both. The difference in the pictures hit me again. The second one was after he had decided to leave me. He looked grave and unhappy.
I listened to the CD he had made me. I put in on repeat and just let it play all night. I slept better that night than I had since he left. Something about it was calming. I did wonder why he hadn't just taken all these things. He said he wanted it to be as if he was never here with me. If he left this stuff he must have known I would eventually find them. In the morning I stared at his picture before I got up. I knew it was stupid. It was only hurting me more. Every time I looked at it I felt that familiar pain in my stomach. Why couldn't I hate him like all other girls. Normal girls just gave up on guys and moved on. Why couldn't I do that too.
Charlie was already gone when I got up. I ate some cereal and ran back upstairs. I tucked the picture of Edward into my bag and made my way out to my truck. Rain was falling all around me. The cab of the truck wasn't warm but it wasn't as cold as the air around me. I could barely see the road in front of me as I drove to school. Every one was going extremely slow in the parking lot. Someone a few cars ahead slid to the side some. The sound of his tires gave my memory a jump start. I immediately thought of the day Tyler almost killed me with his van. In all rights I should have died that day. I didn't though. I didn't even get more than a bump on the head.
I tried so hard to listen to Mike as he told me about an outing he was planning for the weekend. He was going on a camping trip with a few other people and he wanted me to come. He was practically begging me. I kept telling him I was nature challenged.
"Mike have you ever seen me in gym?"
He nodded.
"Yeah I have, but this wont be a hiking expedition, its just a camping trip."
"Look, I'll think about it."
"Promise you really will?"
"Yes Mike I swear. I will honestly think about it."
"Let me know before the end of the day please."
I watched him run for his next class. I should really go. Mike didn't want me to go for the reasons he used to include me. He actually cared about me. I knew that he just wanted to help. Every one in the school knew that I wasn't getting over Edward. Did they think I was pathetic? Yeah probably. I didn't know if I really felt like going out and roughing it in the woods. I wasn't one to go anywhere without a bathroom. Not to mention it had been a long time since I interacted with any of my old friends. It would be kind of awkward. Then it occurred to me. Would Mike let me bring someone along?
I stood at the end of my truck after school. People walked past without looking at me. Angela nodded at me and I tried to smile at her. After a few minutes Mike walked out. As soon as he saw me he ran over. I again tried to smile when he got close.
"So?"
"Do you think I could invite someone?"
He looked suspicious.
"Uh sure, who were you thinking of inviting?"
"Jacob Black."
"Oh that's fine. That kid is cool."
I said goodbye to him and headed out of the parking lot. I didn't go home. I went to La Push. I really wanted Jacob to come with me. The Black house dark. I squinted through the rain but I couldn't see any lights. Screw it. I jumped out of the warm cab and ran for the porch. I knocked a few times and waited. No sound came from inside. I knocked once more. Still nothing. Finally I gave up and ran back to the truck. The ride home seemed longer than usual.
I turned onto my road and slammed on the breaks. There in front of my house was a shiny silver Volvo. My heart started thudding against my rib cage. That couldn't be real. I had finally gone insane. I ripped the pill bottle from my bag and swallowed one. I remained there in the middle of the road with my eyes closed tight. After counting to 10 I opened them. There it sat. plain as day. I finally started moving again. My truck crawled to its parking spot. I gathered my things and tried not to run to the house. I couldn't do it anymore. I slammed the door open and ran to the living room. There, sitting with my dad, was Renee. She stood up and hugged me. I hugged her back but turned to look out the window. Charlie stood up.
"It's a rental Bells."
My heart almost broke all over again.
"Bella I'm sorry. Charlie told me that he had the same car. If I had known I would have gotten something different."
I tried to fight off the tears that were coming.
"Mom why…are you here?""Bella Charlie called a few days ago, he said you were taking some pills?"
"Its fine!"
"No dear. You cant take meds to make things better."
"They help mom! When I take them I don't think about him as much."
"Sweetheart you cant just make everything go away. You have to get through this the natural way."
"Mom there is no natural way to get over Edward!"
His name stung, even in my own words.
"Bells, that boy is no good. No good person would leave you alone in those woods alone!" Charlie shouted.
I turned and ran upstairs. I quickly threw my portable CD player, my prescription paper, and some clothes into my suitcase. I didn't think I would need anything else. Mom was half way up the stairs when I blew past her. I stumbled down the last few steps and nearly fell into Charlie. I pushed myself away from him and ran out to my truck. I managed to get it started before Renee could get to me. I had no idea what I was doing. I turned into La Push and slowed down. Jake was walking down the road. I stopped and threw the side door open.
"Get in!"
Jake stared at me for a second before he jumped in.
"What's up Bella?"
I grabbed the trash bag off the floor and sat in his lap.
"Put that back in my truck."
He pulled out the new CD player. It was dented and looked a little bullied. I wasn't exactly happy when I tried to rip it out.
"Geeze Bells, what did you do to this thing?"
"It was a gift from Edwards family. I tore the damn thing out when he…"
"Oh. Well I don't thing you did any damage to it other than the outside."
"Good, can you put it in while I drive?"
"Sure, sure."
"I have to get away from here for a while and I need something better than this radio."
As he bent down to start working I pulled Edward's CD out and stared at it. Maybe I could use a vacation. Perhaps I would run across someone I knew.
