Summary: What I think Nathan is feeling at the party for Lucas/Lindsey on episode 5.11. ONESHOT

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Nathan can see her brunette through the people that were in front of him. She looked beautiful that night. He watched her, the way the dress fits her perfectly. The way he wanted to tell her that he took his breath away. The way his hands fit around her waist. He knew that he couldn't do that. He knew after everything, the pain he was feeling was less than the pain she feels.

He watches her smile. It's small, it's simple, but it's not full, it's not completely happy. He knows he's the cause. He knew he should of told her, he didn't respond or initiate the kiss between him and Carrie, he didn't know she was in the shower with him. He thought it was Haley, his wife, the mother of their child. He knew that the kiss Carrie gave him was nothing, he should of told her. Maybe they wouldn't be like this right now, maybe everything would be okay. Maybe they'd be happy.

He watches as his son plays with a guitar, a plastic, electrical guitar for a game. He was his son, he was Haley and his son. He didn't know when he would be able to come and tuck him into bed. He didn't know if Haley would look at him and say that not only Jamie missed him, but she did too. They were a family before, they were happy. If he could go back in time and stop everything Carrie did, he would. He would give anything to hold his wife in his arms, to tell her he loved her knowing she would say it back without regret. As he watched their son, the son made from love, he knew that he may never be able to tell Jamie he's coming home.

When Haley and him get a chance to talk. He says sorry. He doesn't know what else to do or say. He listens to her words. She's done trying. He knows that this might be the end, but he's not willing to admit that to himself. He loves her to much to believe it's all coming to an end. She walks away. He swears he can feel his heart break just a little but. The love of his life was walking away, and he couldn't do anything to make everything better and hold her in his arms whispering to her how much he loved her.

The night is coming to and end. He was glad that he could say goodnight to Jamie, but once he asked him he was coming home. A part of him wasn't even sure if he would ever, but he told him that he hoped so, because there was nothing else he could say. He told him that it wasn't his mother's fault he wasn't coming home. It was another woman's fault, he didn't say it, but he knew. It was the woman who was caring for the son that him and his wife had created together.

He knew he was partly responsible, if only he had said something before Carrie got into the shower without him knowing. She flirted, she skinny dipped, he should of said something. It was partly his fault, and he knew it.

His life was falling apart, and he knew how this would end. He refused to believe it. Him and Haley were meant to be together. He loved her, and he would do anything to be with her. He would also do anything to make her happy. If she didn't want him there, he would leave. He looked at her and knew her smile wasn't whole, it wasn't complete. He was part of that pain and hurt. All he wanted was for her and his son to be happy. He just hoped he would be the one to make them that way, but he might never know.

Now, as he looks at Haley one last time. He knows all he can do is watch her. Watch her lips as they spoke, as her legs walked, and as her eyes move to look at something pointedly, or even avoid. Her eyes avoided his. He could tell everything about her. He knew now, all he could do was watch from afar.