I'm pacing so fast, it's a wonder I haven't fallen over yet. "Um, see, the thing is...I...um, I think...you...um...I mean, I..." My voice comes stuttering out of my mouth. It's a good thing Numbuh Three isn't here to see me. I mean, what kind of lame screw-up actually rehearses what he's going to say to the girl? That only happens in movies.
"Numbuh Four, who are you talking to?"
The voice gives me a jolt. I whip around, and sure enough, there she is. Loquacious, Japanese, bubbly Kuki. Staring at me curiously from under a glossy black fringe. Ohmygodshessocute. I glare at her. "None of your business," I say rudely.
"Okay," she says cheerfully. "Wanna play rainbow monkeys?"
"I hate cruddy rainbow monkeys," I snap.
Numbuh three looks crestfallen. "O-oh. Okay," she says meekly. "Sorry." And she walks away, dragging her feet.
I stare after her for a second, and then say roughly, "Fine then, I'll play with your stupid rainbow monkeys."
She whirls around - like, literally whirls - and squeals, "Really?!"
"Yeah, whatever," I grumble, but not before she's inevitably descended on me in a hug. Suddenly I'm being swamped in the dark green material of her oversized sweater.
"You're the best, Wally!" she burbles.
Maybe it'll be worth it if Kuki thinks I'm the best.
--------------------
This is not worth it, no matter how good Kuki thinks I am.
I'm sitting cross-legged in the tree house's main room, the TV blaring rainbow monkeys in the background, playing stupid rainbow monkey games with Kuki. I'm bored out of my wits and she knows it. Well no, she probably doesn't, but it makes me feel better to blame her for my pain. I hope nobody else walks in on us.
"Rain-bow mon-keeeeys," sings Numbuh Three, placing a bright red one on the top of her pile.
I sigh and stand up, stretching, and check my watch. What? I think in horror. It can't have only been five minutes!
"Um, Numbuh Three, I gotta go," I say.
"Aww, but we just started!" she protests.
"Yeah, well, I..." I try to think of something to say. "I gotta go and...run an errand...and...get some Grinnich Spinach..." Dr Seuss. How lame. "Ah, what the heck. Numbuh Three - Kuki - I gotta tell you something," I say quickly.
"Yeah?" she gets up as well, surveying me innocently with her bright dark eyes.
"Uh...erm. Well. How do I say this..." I look around, fidgeting nervously. "I...um, I think...I...I mean, you...er...um...I..." Jeez. I sound like a babbling idiot. I have to get this over with. "Listen, Kuki, I l-"
"That's okay, Numbuh Four," she says cheerfully. "I know how you feel."
"What?" I stare at her.
"Cuz I feel that way too!" She punches the air.
I'm completely taken aback. To Kuki, love rainbow monkeys. She has the mental capacity of an eight-year-old. Or at least, that's how she always came across to me.
But at the same time I'm relieved. And very, very happy.
"Well, except, I didn't pretend I hated them first, so it's not so hard for me to say."
I come back down to earth abruptly, with an unpleasant jolt. "What? I never pretended I - them? What are you talking about, Numbuh Three?"
"Rainbow monkeys!" she beams. "And other girly stuff. I knew you liked it, deep down."
I stare at her, dumbfounded. And then I feel angry - really angry - for the first time. It bubbles up inside me and explodes out of my mouth. "Are you stupid or something?!" I burst out furiously. "I hate rainbow monkeys! I hate them! I - I hate them with...I hate them with a passion! I only agreed to play with your stupid rainbow monkeys because I knew you'd be sad if I didn't! And now I really couldn't give a damn about your rainbow monkeys or you or how you feel!" She looks shocked. I'm sure I can see tears welling up in her eyes. But I don't care. "Numbuh Three, I've been trying to tell you for years, don't you get it, you idiot?! You're so dense you can't even tell that it's not rainbow monkeys I love, it's you, okay?!"
There's a stunned silence from Kuki, who's definitely crying now.
I'm already starting to regret shouting all those mean things, as I always do, but it's too late. It's out, she knows and she's upset. I know this time I've crossed the line. She won't let me apologise this time, not even if I put on a rainbow monkey suit and let her hug me.
Kuki's still staring at me in some variation of astonishment - shock, anger, horror? I can't tell, but I don't care. "Right," I mutter. "Now I've got that out, I'm assuming you'll hate me forever and all that, so I'm going home."
I turn my back and realise to my surprise that a lump's risen in my own throat and my eyes are stinging with the threat of tears. Yeah, the tough one, Numbuh Four, not afraid of anything. That's me. I start to storm off.
But I've hardly taken three steps when something knocks me to the ground and I can't breathe. It takes me several moments to realise I can't breathe because Numbuh Three's flung her arms around my neck and won't let go. I flail wildly, choking and spluttering.
"You stupid boy!" yells Kuki, still squeezing me around the neck. Is she trying to kill me? "So I'm the dim one now? At least I know how to spell my own name! And at least I knew for all this time that you liked me and I was actually nice to you for it! You're so dumb it's...it's borderline aggressive!" I don't even know what that means, so how the heck does Kuki? Today has held many surprises. "Wallabee, I can't believe you can accuse me of being dumb!" She's practically screaming now. She's in one of her moods. I'm glad she's got me pinned face-down to the ground, because I know all of Sector V must be here by now. "Just because I don't go parading around my toughness doesn't mean I'm particularly immature, it just means that I was hoping you'd catch on!" Wait - what? I even stop choking for a minute. "I've liked you since we were ten years old, stupid Wally!"
"What?" I speak for the first time during her hissy fit and struggle against her. That's until I realise she's not throttling me, she's hugging me. "But - but you - but -! But rainbow monkeys -"
"This has nothing to do with rainbow monkeys," she says loudly, but she's obviously calming down because she loosens her grip a little and allows me to sit up. Sure enough, Numbuh Five, Numbuh One and Numbuh Two are all watching us from varied places in the tree house. Oh crud. This is the end of life as I know it. I can see the smug look on Numbuh Five's face. She will never, ever let me forget today, even when we're all old and hairy and toothless.
"Um -" I say, but Kuki's already let me go and has grabbed my hand and is climbing out of the tree house. I have to agree with her here; I don't particularly want to face up to the others right now, particularly Numbuh Five.
"You're an idiot," says Kuki again, jumping out onto the turf.
"Erm," I say, completely thrown by this change in her personality.
She gives me a funny little side-on smile. "You know, it's not just rainbow monkeys."
"What?"
"Just because you're so straightforward doesn't mean everyone is. There's more to me than meets the eye. It's not just rainbow monkeys. Even if it seem that way."
"Uh -"
"And Wally, y'know what?" she says casually, already assuming her normal bubbly manner. She's still holding my hand.
"What?"
"After all this, there's no way you're getting out of taking me to dinner Saturday."
"What?"
"You heard me. You're taking me to a fancy romantic Italian restaurant with candles and purple tablecloths and violin music." She pauses. "And you're paying."
I glare at her. "Stupid cruddy girly romantic rest'rants," I grumble.
And the sun's hanging high above us as we argue all the way down to the park.
