An amazing, hilarious and screamingly funny story of the author named Hellkar. Translated by me - from Russian.


Film set. The pine staggers, but stands as of yet.

The dwarves are on the pine.

Thorin is in the front line, looking pompous in his flaunting fur coat.

The centre of the room is marked by a rock.

Behind the rock is Azog on his warg.

Orcs – optionally.

Continuity girl: Shot One, Take One.

Azog: Do you smell it? The scent of fear, Thorin, Son of Thrain, Son of Thror…

Thorin: *rolls eyes wildly and gnashes his teeth*

Jackson: More expression there!

Thorin: *gnashes his teeth louder*

Azog: But before I kill you, Thorin, me and my fourty Mûmakil will sing you a song!

Thorin: Excellent! Just enough time for me to bonk you with a log.

Azog: О_О

Thorin: Oops…

Jackson: There's nothing of that nature in the script. Another take!

Continuity girl: Shot One, Take Two.

Thepine: *staggers*

Azog: A log… Take that off, what are you?

Thorin: Genius, billionaire, playboy.

Azog: Well, I guess it's Smaug who is a billionaire right now, while you are a have-not.

Thorin: *puffing his cheeks and grabbing Orcrist in an emphatic manner * That's it, you white-ass waif, you hit my raw nerve – money, you're so dead!

Azog: Sorry, sorry, I don't understand Khuzdul.

Thorin: I said, you white-eyed crap, look your death in the eye!

Gandalf: *whispers to Thorin* I wouldn't use such colorful expressions if I were you, he wins in this scene.

Thorin: What?

Gandalf: Actually you die in the end of the film.

Azog: MUAHAHA.

Thorin: Wait a minute, there must be a mistake… Peter?

Jackson: Magneto's right.

Thorin: But who'll be the King? Fili?

Jackson: No, he dies with you.

Thorin: Bloody hell… Kili?

Jackson: No, actually he also kicks the bucket…

Thorin: WHO THEN?

Jackson: Well, let's look in the script – ah, Dain.

Thorin: DAIN?! So it was me who came up with it, who gathered everyone, who gave everyone…

Gandalf: …a heart attack.

Thorin: …a chance – to see the mountain! And HE's going to be the King?

Azog: I am really sorry to interrupt…

Jackson: Another take.

Continuity girl: Shot One, Take Three.

The pine: *staggers*

Thorin: I don't want to play the part where I die. I refuse. I quit. Ask Sean Bean.

Jackson: I have already asked him.

The pine: I'm warning you – I'VE BEEN STAGGERING HERE FOR A HALF AN HOUR.

Thorin: Okay… *whips up his sword and runs pretentiously towards Azog, locks fluttering in the wind, eyes ablaze*

Azog: Stop this fur coat ridging of yours.

Thorin: Du-Bekar!

Warg: *chews Thorin*

Thorin: Mind the hairdo!

Warg: Meow.

Bilbo: Erebor, I will save you!

Gandalf: *laterally* The Grocer and the King – that's the real force.

Bilbo: *runs through the burning set*

Thorin: Can I die already? I really don't want to see this… *dramatically lies down on the rock*

Therock: …

Fili: Is it time to throw the cones? Kili, where did you get this brick?

Thorin: If you hit me – you'll die earlier than the script writers tell you.

Bilbo: *tries to shield Thorin*

Jackson and his continuity girl: *crying and hugging each other* What a drama!

The pine: Can I fall at last?

Gandalf: Not yet! Where are the eagles?

Jackson: The eagles will be made later by the computer people, just jump.

Gandalf: Ah, fly, you – fools! *jumps*

The dwarves: *jump at his heels*

Jackson: Humph, not enough pathos … Another take.

Continuity girl: Shot One, Take Four.

The pine: Excuse me, but you're ruffling me – quite literally!

Azog: I will unroot this Durin line… isn't it a misprint there in the script? "Daring loony" sounds much better here…

Thorin: Peter, why is he so rude with me?!

Jackson: It's his part, Thorin, he's a rude character… Forgive us please, you man with a museum'y last name.1

Azog: I will pull out your beards…

Thorin: Peter, why don't I have a beard?!

Jackson: Lack of props, we'll draw you one, later, in the Photoshop, unless I forget.

Thorin: Peter, my sword is too small…

Jackson: I gave you the biggest one!

Thorin: And the fur coat is a cheapie…

Jackson: It is a Versace!

Thorin: The harp?

Jackson: There's no harp – take a tembrel!

Thorin: I need a black horse and a red-haired woman!

Jackson: A pony! And we'll draw a woman for you in the Photoshop. Unless I forget then again.

Thorin: Draw an elk for Thranduil as well!

Azog: If you did not get it, the only white one here and on the white horse is me!

Gandalf: Ahem, I should remember that… He'll pop off anyway eventually, so I can use the idea.

Jackson: Enough! Let's keep on shooting.

Thorin: *takes run from the pine, jumps starting out from the rock and falls on Azog in the Angry Birds' style*

The rock: …

Azog: Оо

Jackson: *facepalm*

The pine: I warned you! *falls down*

Jackson: So, the props are broken, and I don't like the scene, another take here tomorrow.


1 Museum'y last name – Richard Armitage's last name in Russian sounds a lot like the name of one of Russian museums – the Hermitage (in St. Petersburg)