Nigel Uno stares hard at his feet, and then looks back up across the room where the Galactic Kids Next Door Panel of Judges sits.
The Supreme Judge, a blonde-haired boy wearing a fancy, silver, metallic crown on his head sits in the center seat. His chair is on a raised dais, higher than the other chairs. A plaque in front of him reads "Supreme Judge Ceph."
The judge on his right hand side is a girl with red-brown hair tied up into braids. She wears a bright yellow shirt and a blue skirt, and black glasses. She is frowning, a worried crease between her eyebrows. In front of her is a plaque that reads "Judge Vine."
On the Supreme Judge's left hand side is a boy with strangely patterned grey and orange hair. His eyes are bright green, and he is glaring at Numbah 1. His plaque reads "Judge Felis."
Numbah 1 rolls his eyes, "You guys didn't need to get dressed up for me."
"Do not be so insolent, human," Judge Felis spits, "You are being judged for your crimes against the kids of the galaxy - and this sarcasm isn't helping your case."
"Oh please, all your disguises are half-rate. I already know you're not human, you don't need to pretend that you look like me," Numbah 1 says defiantly.
"We believed that you would be more cooperative if we appeared this way," Judge Vine says.
"Thanks, but no thanks, Lizzie," Numbah 1 says. He shifts, and the shackles around his wrist clink against each other, "I'd rather know who the people I'm talking to actually look like."
The three judges look at each other for a second before reaching into their shirts and removing yellow amulets from around their respective necks, one by one.
Judge Vine's human exterior shimmers before cutting out entirely, revealing what seems to be an upside down potted plant with green vines protruding from the bottom of the pot. White eyes glare down at him from the pot, and the whole image creates the effect of a squid made of a plant pot with green vines as tentacles.
Judge Felis's real body is a floating cat head, with brown and white stripes. His green eyes are sharp and he hisses once before settling into a scowling cat face.
Judge Ceph is harder to describe - some sort of cephalopod-like creature with wavy brown protusions from its head. Its white eyes are calm, and it floats regally in the air.
"Are we ready to precede with the hearing?" Judge Ceph asks. Its voice has an echoing quality, like many voices are speaking at once.
The other two judges nod.
Judge Vine picks up a file with one of its vines, "Let us begin with your trip to Sector Jupiter with Mars operative Numbah 76."
Transmission Start
Time - 1:04 am Universal Planetary Time
Location: Sector J
The surroundings are dark, with heavy fog settling so low that the white wisps hang merely a few inches off the ground. The landscape is so barren that only a few bare trees and a small building are visible. The building itself is ramshackle, seemingly jutting out the ground like a weed.
The low purr of an engine sounds faintly. Soon, it grows louder and louder, and it announces the arrival of the metallic spaceship. The spaceship itself is more a large red flyer wagon with rocket engines attached to the end. Inside there are two figures, their faces obscured by space helmets. They wear matching white spacesuits, with red "GKND"s stitched across the right side of their chest. They look identical, the only difference being the numbers painted in sloppy hand across their backs.
One bears the number "1" and the other the number "77."
The wagon lands with a thud, and Numbah 1 reaches over and slides the lever, which is a rainbow monkey Pez dispenser with duct tape wrapped around it.
They both jump out, brandishing lazer guns.
Numbah 77 overtakes Numbah 1, and he pauses momentarily to glance back and shout, "Hurry up! It's not like we have a bazillion years or something."
They reach the building, and Numbah 1 pushes a button on the side of his helmet, unlocking his visor and allowing him to push it up and open. He sticks a gloved finger up his nose, retrieves a booger, and then places it into a seemingly inconspicuous-looking knot in part of the wood of the building.
Something hisses, and the door whooshes up and reveals the metallic interior of a high-tech elevator.
They step in, and Numbah 77 presses the button labelled "LAB."
The door closes, and they both feel the sensation of going down. As they wait for the elevator to stop, the two take their helmets off. And tug off their space suits to hang them up on a nearby hook. Numbah 77 has a rather pasty complexion, with a spray of freckles across his nose. He has curly blonde hair, and he smiles crookedly at Numbah 1. He is wearing a Robot Wars t-shirt, brown shorts, and black tennis shoes.
After taking off his helmet, Numbah 1 reveals that his eyes are still obscured by a visor that covers his eyes with a red, reflective material. He is wearing a red hoodie, purple shorts, and white socks with orange sandals. In his right hand, he loosely grips a lazer gun. Numbah 1 sighs, and reaches down into his pocket to root around for a packet of lollipops.
He pulls one out, and tugs the plastic wrapper off.
Numbah 77 looks over, and shakes his head, "Those will kill you, you know."
Numbah 1 rolls his eyes, "No," he says sarcastically, "I don't believe I know."
Numbah 77 puts his hands on his hips, "Microgravity Obesity, and I'm sure you humans have a host of other side-effects."
Numbah 1 just takes a long lick, "I've heard it a bazillion times already. I. Don't. Care."
The elevator door opens, and they step out into a white hallway. Another operative with bright green skin rushes past them.
They continue in the opposite direction, where two double doors with the label, "LAB" are. Numbah 1 pauses to frown at the sign where there is an illustration of candy with a red line through it hangs, indicating its prohibition.
He sighs, but throws his lollipop into the trash can underneath anyways.
They continue into the lab, where two other kids in lab coats stand waiting for them. One is a girl with blue hair and bright white eyes. A little stitching on her left pocket protector reads, "Numbah e." Next to her stands a chubby boy with shaggy white hair and pale white eyes. His pocket protector reads, "Numbah Pi."
"Welcome Numbah 1, Numbah 77," Numbah e says, "Thank you for hurrying over."
"What is the problem, Numbah e?" Numbah 1 asks authoritatively.
"First, we need your word that this won't get out. You can't tell anybody. Even your best friend," Numbah Pi says. His white eyes are tense, and his mouth is drawn in a stiff line, "This is most top-super-secret secret-ty secret ever. We're not even supposed to be telling you - we just felt that it was the right thing to do and even if we get arrested we just wanted to let you know that-"
Numbah 77 glances over at Numbah 1, "We promise."
"Follow me," says Numbah e.
All four walk toward the back of the room, where table littered with files is.
"Sit here for a second," Numbah Pi says, beginning to dig through the files. They fly through the air, and one lands in the spot in front of where Numbah 1 sits. He chances a glance, raising an eyebrow at its contents.
G:KND K.I.L.L.A. Schematics
Kids use
Intense
Lazers to
Liquidize
The rest of the acronym was cut off, but Numbah 1 could see a sketch of some sort of satellite. Before he can look into it further, the file is covered by another one, with a bright red "SUPER SECRET" stamped across it.
"Go ahead. Open it," Numbah e says.
Numbah 1 glances over to Numbah 77, who has already opened up his copy. They read over it in silence, but Numbah 1's eyes are fixated on a number of words.
Earth…bajillion years…adult-infested…mind-controlled kids…no choice….terminate…Project K.I.L.L.A...G:KND...splinter cell...
"Is this saying what I think it's saying?" Numbah 1 says, looking up.
Numbah Pi's face is grim, "Yes. We have three weeks before they blow up Earth."
Transmission End
"Why did Numbah Pi tell you about Operation K.I.L.L.A.?" Judge Ceph asks, "Only the leaders of the G:KND and a handful of scientists were meant to know about the Operation."
"They knew Chad personally," Numbah 1 began slowly, "And they knew that Earth is my home."
"So? They owe no allegiance to you. Or are you saying that their ties to the G:KND require a trial as well?" Judge Felis says.
"I am saying that they had a conscience. My home planet was being destroyed, and they felt that it was the right thing to do to let me know." Numbah 1 says.
"That still is no grounds for hi-jacking a F.L.I.E.R., and giving out confidential, highly sensitive infor-" Judge Felis begins before Numbah 1 cuts him off.
"Judge Felis, if the G:KND made plans to decommission all of the operatives of Judge Vine's home planet, would you tell her about it before it happened?" Numbah 1 asks.
"No," Judge Felis says hotly, "My allegiance to the mission of the G:KND takes the highest priority, over all of my personal-"
"It's something we lowly Earthlings call humanity, Judge Felis," Numbah 1 shouts back, "If we hear something bad is about to happen to a friend, we tell them about it."
"Oh please, get off your high horse. Your planet is polluted with adult scum that it was centuries before we allowed a G:KND operative to come from your planet, and he's currently standing before me, standing trial for treason," Judge Felis growls.
Numbah 1 seethes, and is about to retort before Judge Ceph cuts them both off.
"Enough. Let us return to the trial," Judge Ceph says calmly, pulling open a file, "After you received the information that the Earth was scheduled for a global decommissioning-"
Numbah 1 scoffs, "It isn't a decommissioning. The G:KND was going to blow it up."
Judge Ceph continues as if the interruption hadn't occurred, "The Earth was scheduled for a global decommissioning, so you sent a transmission to your old sector on Earth under the guise that there was an important G:KND mission involving a nonexistent coffee factory on Earth."
Transmission Start
Time - 12:23 pm Eastern Standard Time
Location: Sector E
Numbah 4 is sleeping soundly, dreaming of monster truck rallies and robot wars. The treehouse alarm sounds, echoing throughout the halls.
He jumps up out of bed, and also grabs the M.U.S.K.E.T. gun on his bedside table.
"Crikey, don't these crummy adults have any sense of humanity. It's noon-thirty people are trying to sleep!" Numbah 4 grouses as he stalks down the hallway. He stumbles a bit as he pulls on his trademark orange sweatshirt.
He dashes down the long hallway, and he meets Numbah 2 in the hallway.
"What's going on?" Numbah 2 asks, brandishing a S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R.
Numbah 4 frowns, "That's just what I was going to ask."
They reach the Briefing Room, where Numbah 5 is waiting for them with a grim expression on her face. She is donning her red hat, blue jersey, and Numbah 1's black sunglasses. Numbah 3 is holding her Deluxe Sooper Cute Sleepy Time Rainbow Monkey, a sleepy look on her face.
"What's going on Numbah 5?" Numbah 2 asks, sitting down on the round couch.
"First, Numbah 5 gonna need to know that y'all can keep a secret," Numbah 5 says.
Numbah 4 rolls his eyes, "Come on Numbah 5, it's not like we're a bunch of little babies."
"You can't tell anybody," Numbah 5 says, "Including the Moon Base."
"What?" Numbah 2, "What do you mean we can't tell Moon Base? They're are-"
"We got a transmission from Numbah 1," Numbah 5 says, cutting Numbah 2 off.
The operatives all still, even Numbah 3 bearing a serious look on her face.
"Do y'all swear not to breathe a word upstairs?" Numbah 5 asks.
"Yes." They say in unison.
Numbah 5 smirks, "That's what I thought."
She reaches over for the remote, and presses the play button for the big-screen T.V.
The screen buzzes with static, and then the image of Numbah 1 buzzes into focus. He is wearing a pair of futuristic-looking sunglasses that wrap around his entire head.
He salutes at the screen, "Fellow KND operatives. I have sent this transmission to request your help with a very important GKND mission. Should you choose to expect, I will be sending the information regarding a mission to take down a coffee-bean processing factory deep in the jungles of South America. As you are well aware, coffee is the fuel for all heinous adult activity, and this is one of the steps of GKND's plan to take down adult tyranny across the universe. I was asked to assemble an elite team that would be able to complete this mission and remain discrete. You are not to tell the KND Moonbase of your activities. We have yet to reveal to the Moonbase that the GKND exist, and we wish to do it when we absolutely need to. This mission is top super secret - you cannot tell anyone that you have been contacted by the GKND. If you fail to confirm that you accept this mission by 1700 EST, I will be sending a crew down to wipe your memories of this transmission. Please send a signal transmitter into space, we have a crew with eyes in the sky waiting for your response."
The image of Numbah 1 cuts out and fades into static.
Numbah 5 turns back to the other operatives of Sector V.
"What are we waiting for?" Numbah 4 says, "Let's kick some adult butt!"
"Something's fishy," Numbah 3 says, her eyes narrowed.
"Whatchu mean, Numbah 3?" Numbah 5 asks, intrigued.
"Oh come on, Numbah 3 - Numbah 1 gave us a super-secret mission and we're just sitting around doin' nothing!" Numbah 4 cries.
"It just doesn't feel...right," Numbah 3 states defiantly, "Numbah 1 is talking funny. Like he's lying."
Numbah 5 tilts her head thoughtfully, "Numbah 5 thought that too."
"We're still doing the mission though, right?" Numbah 2 asks, "I mean, we might get to see Numbah 1 again."
"I say we do it - we can punch those cruddy adults right where it hurts, and help the GKND at the same time," Numbah 4 says.
"Numbah 3, what do you think?" Numbah 5 asks pensively.
"Let's do it!"
"Alright then. Numbah 2 - get a signal transmitter ready. We gotta get something that transmits into space and can't be detected by the moonbase." Numbah 5 says.
As she says this, she is already walking off the platform and out of the Briefing Room, "Numbah 3, Numbah 4, get the C.O.O.L.B.U.S. ready for take-off."
"Where are you going, Numbah 5?" Numbah 3 asks, smiling.
"Numbah 5 got something to do before we leave."
Transmission End
"Very smart, Numbah 1," Judge Vine muses, "If the transmission reached the Moonbase, the Splinter Cell would have been aware of it and alerted the G:KND."
"How did you know the Splinter Cell had not yet receded from the KND?" Judge Ceph asks, "Their only mission was to recruit one member from Earth, and then to disappear from the Earth sector entirely."
Numbah 1 smiles for the first time during his trial, "Because Numbah 71.562 continually calls Numbah 2 to complain about how annoying Numbah 74.239 is."
"You kept in contact with Sector V of the E:KND while you were serving in the G:KND?" Judge Ceph asks, eyebrow raised.
"I kept an eye on them," Numbah 1 says, "But they did not I was observing them, and they had no way of contacting me."
Judge Ceph frowns, but presses a button on a platform next to his chair. The intercom crackles to life, and he speaks into the intercom, "Numbah Infinity, will you please investigate that claim."
"While we wait," Judge Vine says, "Let's discuss the Uruguay 'mission' that you sent Sector V on."
Transmission Start
Time - 11:09 pm Uruguay Time Zone
Location: Sector E
The air in the jungle is hot, and the sound of life - the buzzing of insects, the cries of animals - sounds all around. Numbah 2 is sweating like a pig - stains forming around his collar and under his arms.
Numbah 4 is whining up a storm, while Numbah 3 is decked in camouflage, making pretend gun noises and giggling.
Numbah 5 is consulting a file that had been jammed into the Sector V Treehouse an hour after they sent up the transmitter.
"Alright, the coordinates...say...the factory...should be...right...here," Numbah 2 says in between pants.
The trees suddenly cleared for a huge, metal building. From the stacks rose great columns of grey smoke. The building was windowless, the only entrance a pair of double doors that were guarded by two short adults wearing visors.
"Let's go!" Numbah 4 says, waving his M.U.S.K.E.T. gun. He is about to run in, and opens his mouth to hollar but before he can, Numbah 5 covers his mouth and drags him back to where the rest of the team is.
"Wait. Something's not right. Numbah 5 isn't feeling good about this," Numbah 5 whispers. She looks back at the file, "Look at this, guys."
She points to a line that is bolded in the mission text.
Whatever you do, do not examine the factory beforehand. Arrive at the factory location before 11:15 UTZ to avoid the guard change.
"We always stake out our targets first," Numbah 2 says, "Every single mission we've done. When we invaded the adult villain awards, every single time we tried to invade Father's mansion."
"Exactly. Maybe we should wait a little while, just to be safe," Numbah 5 says quietly. She picks up a pair of B.O.N.G.O.S.K.O.P.E.s, "A little stake out from this far away wouldn't hurt. We just won't tell Numbah 1 if we debrief him."
"What's the plan Numbah 5?" Numbah 3 asks. She brought along her Super Stealthy Camo Rainbow Monkey, "Can we do the stealthy tactics? We never get to use the stealthy tactics!"
"It looks like we will, Numbah 3," Numbah 2 says, donning his own pair of B.O.N.G.O.S.K.O.P.E.s, "I don't know how Numbah 1 expected us to invade and blow up the coffee building without checking out the factory beforehand."
"Hang on, hang on," Numbah 5 suddenly says, "Oh my Lord..."
"What? What!" Numbah 4 shouts, "Lemme see, lemme see," he shouts, shoving Numbah 2 and groping for the binoculars in his hand.
"What's wrong, Numbah 5?" Numbah 3 asks.
"Those guards - they're not adults. They're kids." Numbah 5 whispers, aghast.
Numbah 2 swings his binoculars to point them over to where Numbah 5 has hers pointed. The two "short adult" guards have pulled their helmets off, and they are conversing two guards in similar uniforms. The guards are revealed to be two kids - a girl and a boy who can't be more than 10 or 11 years old. The other guards are also kids. They have their helmets off, and they are talking and laughing.
"Numbah 2, enter those coordinates into the system, will you?" Numbah 5 says, ripping herself from the sight.
Numbah 2 pulls out his L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S. and types the coordinates into the KND program.
"...Holy cow," Numbah 2 says, "This is Sector U's rocket base. They use this building to launch rockets when they need to go to Moon Base."
"Hang on, do any of you guys know anyone from Sector U?" Numbah 5 asks, putting down the binoculars and now pulling out a P.I.P.E.R.
"I know Numbah 210," says Numbah 3, pulling out her own P.I.P.E.R.
"What?" Numbah 4 cries out, "Why do you know Numbah 210? When did you talk to him?"
"When we met that pretty blonde girl with the caramels - he gave me his number!" Numbah 3 says, smiling. She dials him, and after a couple hisses of frequency, Numbah 210 greets Numbah 3 with a sleepy hello.
"Hello Numbah 3. This is a surprise - I did not think when you called you would so late at night," Numbah 210 says.
"Hiii Numbah 210!" Numbah 3 says, "I was wondering-"
"Yo, Numbah 210, Sector V was dropping by and we were wondering what this big metal building in Sector U is," Numbah 5 asks, a slightly urgent tone in her voice.
Numbah 210, in his treehouse a couple miles away, sits up, "What are your coordinates?"
Numbah 5 has Numbah 2 read them off the file.
"That's our rocket base. And, wait, is this a clear frequency?"
"Yes."
"The building is also the secret holding place for some of KND's most notorious villains."
"You mean-" Numbah 5 begins.
"Yes," Numbah 210 says, "Grandfather is being held at that base."
Numbah 5 nearly drops the phone in shock.
Numbah 3 grabs the phone back, "Okay. Bye Numbah 210 - I'll call you again later!"
Before Numbah 210 hangs up, he catches a snippet of an argument on the other end.
"Why are you gonna call that cruddy kid again Numbah 3? He probably-"
He rolls his eyes, and goes back to sleep.
On the other line, Numbah 5's face has gone grave. She pulls Numbah 1's sunglasses off her face, and looks at them through narrowed eyes.
"What does this mean, Numbah 5?" Numbah 2 asks, the situation and its implication hitting him.
Numbah 5 sighs, and the other three operatives stare at her, sensing the dire atmosphere.
"It means Numbah 1 and the G:KND are corrupt, or they don't care about kids on Earth anymore."
Transmission Interrupted
2x4 Technology
(In order of Appearance)
M.U.S.K.E.T.S.
F.L.I.E.R.
S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R.
C.O.O.L.B.U.S.
B.O.N.G.O.S.K.O.P.E.
L.U.N.C.H.B.O.C.K.S.
P.I.P.E.R.
