Author's Note: This is a story based upon the characters of Danny Sexbang and Ninja Brian, not the people behind them! I love those guys, but not that much!

Danny and Cleopatra

ACT 1

On one extraordinarily fine day, two legendary heroes were hanging out at their house, watching movies on their giant flat-screen TV.

There was Danny Sexbang, the greatest and handsomest lover the world had ever seen (or, at least he thought). And there was his best friend and psychopath Ninja Brian. He didn't talk much, but his actions spoke louder than words, and by actions, I mean he killed a lot of people.

"Ninja Brian, could you please pass the popcorn?" Danny asked, only to have the bowl thrown at his head. Popcorn went everywhere. Sighing, Danny turned to find Ninja Brian flicking him off.

"Thanks Brian." Danny turned back to the movie, picking popcorn form his bushy hair and eating it.

They were watching a really old movie, Cleopatra starring Elizabeth Taylor, who Danny thought was super hot.

"Goddamn Brian, just look at that woman! She's beautiful!" Danny commented, placing his hands on his chin and blushing. Ninja Brian simply nodded in response.

"Come to think of it, I bet Cleopatra was pretty hot herself. That's what everyone says." Danny continued, "too bad she's been dead for like, thousands of years."

Ninja Brian turned to Danny, cocking an eyebrow.

"Oh, only 2,000 years? Gotcha." Danny replied. "Still, that's a long fuckin' time."

Just then, Danny had a brilliant idea!

"Hey Ninja Brian, I have a brilliant idea!" Danny exclaimed, making the previous narration redundant.

With a slickness only Danny Sexbang knew, he whipped out his blue electric guitar.

A long time ago is not too far, when you're a powerful fuck machine,

Got my eyes set on an ancient girl; let's go visit the Egyptian queen!

She'll fall in love with me, and my charm, and all of my sexy appeal.

I'll expose my chest and flex, and she'll wanna have sex, and I'll definitely make her squeal!

(Let's go! WOO!)

Danny and Ninja Brian run into their backyard, where their time-machine/space-ship is resting.

This is the Back-In-Time Song, we're going to the world of the past,

To see the hotties of old and the beauties of gold; we're gonna find some ass to blast!

Ninja Brian, hold that thought, I know you're probably doubting this plan,

But someone's sitting on a throne, getting his dick blown, and his name has gotta be Dan!

(That's me! YEAH!)

The two enter the time-machine ship and prepare to set a course for Egypt. Ninja Brian sets the coordinates for 48 BC. Danny starts the engines, pushes the thrust, and soon the ship launches out into space, at the speed of Brian!

It's a magical, sex-filled adventure, full of mystery and danger and a whole lot of banging.

History might be changed forever; yeah that doesn't matter, 'cause my emotions are panging.

Don't worry Ninja Brian, you'll have plenty to do: you can pick a fight or commit a crime!

We can do whatever we like, or whoever we like, because we're going back in time!

Back in time!

Back in time!

Back in time!

YEAH!

Just as Danny finished his final note, the ship landed next to a massive sand dune. They had arrived in Ptolemaic Egypt! The air may have been thirst-quenchingly hot and the land eye-scratchingly dusty, but Danny didn't care about any of that shit, because he had one thing on his mind.

"Well, we made it! Egypt, 5,000 years ago!" Danny exclaimed!

Ninja Brian smacked him on the shoulder.

"AH! Right, right, 2,000 years ago."

Dan and Brian surveyed the area and noticed a large city in the distance, along the banks of a river flanked with green plants. It was the Nile!

"Oh wow, this must be the Nile!" Danny happily proclaimed, once again shitting on the work of the narrator. "You know what they say, all roads lead to the Nile! Or something of that nature."

Ninja Brian rolled his eyes and the two made their way down to the river. It was very sandy and Danny found himself struggling to trudge through the sand, while Ninja Brian felt no discomfort. He was a ninja after all, difficult was his middle name. Or was his middle name 'fucking'?

"GASP. So. Much. Sand! Let's take a breather over at that shack." Danny suggested. Reluctantly, Ninja Brian followed Danny over to a small stone structure by the river. There was a dock nearby, with a small boat will of clothing. The two stood by the front-door, under an overhanging shade.

As Danny pulled open his spandex sleeves to release the sand, Ninja Brian heard a small rustling from inside and stealthily crawled in through an open window. Danny shook out the last of the sand from his sneakers when he heard a rapid stabbing sound followed by a 'HURK' yell. Oh damn, not even five minutes in Ptolemaic Egypt and already Ninja Brian has killed someone.

"Oh Ninja Brian, you just couldn't help yourself could you." Danny opened the door to find Ninja Brian beside a large, muscular, and now deceased man. He appeared to have been holding a large tan laundry bag. Ninja Brian simply shrugged, clearly smiling under his mask.

"He was a big one." Danny scratched his head. "Oh well, stick him somewhere because we gotta get going."

Suddenly, the bag started moving. Danny and Ninja Brian jumped in shock, turning their full attention to the bag. A woman's voice called from it, "hey, you fucking idiots! You killed my body guard!"

"Who are you calling idiots?" Danny crossed his arms, pouting.

"It doesn't matter, my plan is ruined!" The woman continued.

"What plan? Maybe we can help. You see, we're two sexy heroes-" Danny began, before being interrupted, "ta-ta-ta, enough! Just pick me up and take me over to that boat by the dock. Maybe this could still work."

Danny looked at Ninja Brian, who shook his head. Danny had to shrug, "oh come on, let's just play along." Ninja Brian begrudgingly hoisted up the bag over his shoulder, causing the woman to go "oof!" as he walked out with Danny. The two made it over to the boat and untied the rope holding it to the dock. Soon they sailed down the Nile's smooth current.

"Where exactly are we going?" Danny asked, poking at the bag.

"To the Palace! We need to sneak inside. There are Romans all about who are guarding it." She replied.

"Romans? I thought we were in Egypt?" Danny pondered, causing Ninja Brian to smack him in the shoulder again.

"This is Egypt you nit! But Julius Caesar's army has invaded the city. He's here to avenge the death of his enemy, Pompey." The woman continued, "my idiot brother Ptolemy had him killed, probably trying to suck up to one of the most powerful men of Rome. Caesar didn't take too kindly to that, he wanted Pompey for himself."

"Damn, that's a crazy situation you got there." Danny responded, his curiosity growing. "And how is sneaking inside in a laundry bag going to help?"

"My body guard Apollodorus was going to smuggle me in, disguised as a fellow Roman janitor. But nooo, you just had to kill him!"

"It wasn't me! That was Ninja Brian, he's the one usually doing the killing." To that, Ninja Brian flashed a thumbs-up.

"It doesn't matter. I hope you can speak Latin and at least look like a Roman." The woman said.

"Ehhh… hang on one second." Danny ran to the other side of the boat and quickly took some of the clothing, creating a very crude outfit of a white toga. "There! Best disguise ever!" he proudly posed. Ninja Brian simply shook his head.

In time, the boat finally made it to the ports of Alexandria, the great Egyptian city. Hoisting the woman in the bag over his shoulder, Ninja Brian made his way through the city as Danny continued to over-act his role. They walked up to two very intimidating Roman guards holding spears.

"Halt! This palace is being occupied. State your purpose." One of them demanded.

"Greetingsus, fellowus Romanuses! Me llamo Dannius Sexbangius. Comment allez-vous?" Danny greeted.

The two guards were immediately confused.

"Weus areus herus, to deliverus, the laundry… us, of Julius Caesar. Hail Caesar!" Danny saluted.

One guard looked to the other, "they're just some crazy Jews, let them pass." The guards parted ways, and allowed the group to pass by them. Danny turned back quietly and sneered to himself, "crazy Jews... what's with the tone? Our culture will far outlast yours you jerks."

"Don't take it too personally, we made it!" The woman cheered. "Just enter the palace and let me down. Julius Caesar should be inside."

Sure enough, he was inside, giving Ptolemy hell.

"How could you do this! He was my enemy! Not yours! You had no right!" Caesar yelled, pounding his fist against a table. Young Ptolemy simply whimpered on his thrown, "I was just trying to help…"

"Help? HELP?! You little shit! You've royally soiled the name of the Ptolemies. And now you're going to pay!" Caesar continued.

Ptolemy gulped, "with blood?"

"What? No. With money. You forget Egypt has tremendous debts to pay. And I can only be patient for so long." Caesar took several threatening steps towards Ptolemy. "You're lucky I'm even speaking with you."

Danny and Ninja Brian entered the throne room, causing all the Romans in the room to go on alert.

"Caesar! Trespassers!" One of them shouted.

Julius Caesar turned towards the two and cocked an eyebrow. "You two are clearly not Romans. Who are you?"

"I'm glad to asked!" Danny ripped off his toga, revealing his shiny spandex suit, bulge and all. "I'm Danny Sexbang, the erotic. And this is Ninja Brian, he has an STD."

Pissed, Ninja Brian smacked Danny with the laundry bag, causing him to fall to the ground face first. The woman inside called out in pain. "AHH YOU FUCKIN PRICK!"

"There are three of you. Reveal yourself!" Caesar pointed to the bag. Ninja Brian, forgetting that a woman was inside, shyly set the laundry bag down on the ground. The bag opened, and with unprecedented grace emerged Cleopatra!

The room grew silent, as Caesar was in immediate shock. Ptolemy as well. Ninja Brian did a double take and hoisted Danny back up. Danny looked at the woman before him and his jaw dropped to the floor. "Uhh, Ninja Brian… my nose is bleeding, and it's not from the fall."

"Julius Caesar," Cleopatra began as she turned to her brother, glaring. "Ptolemy."

Ptolemy sunk in his chair; he knew that she wouldn't be happy to see him.

"Oh Caesar, I am here from afar. Here to return to my kingdom, my homeland. I wish to converse with you about the conflict." Cleopatra continued, giving a curtsey.

"Is that right? Well, I'm impressed at your… creative means of arriving here before me. Clearly you know what you're doing, unlike some people." Caesar responded, waving a dismissive hand to Ptolemy.

Caesar walked up to Cleopatra, who raised her arm so that he could place a kiss on her hand. "Do continue. I would love to hear what you have to say."

Ninja Brian nudged Danny's shoulder with his arm. Danny knew exactly what he was silently saying, "yeah I know Ninja Brian, that Caesar jerk is going to take my girl." Ninja Brian looked to him, gesturing in a WTF fashion. "Well, I mean… I guess technically I'm taking his girl. But no matter. I have to nip this in the bud before it grows further!"

As Caesar and Cleopatra conversed, and before Danny could step in, Ptolemy rose up out of his thrown and screamed, red face and all. "IT'S NOT FAIR! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE YOU MEANIE SISTER!" he exclaimed, jumping up and down.

Cleopatra rolled her eyes and turned to Ptolemy. "Oh hush, you are powerless small child. Far from father's image of an ideal pharaoh. Just admit it, you have lost."

"NO! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" Ptolemy ran out of the palace, towards a balcony, facing a growing crowd in the streets. "Everyone, everyone!" he called, "will you let a wrinkly ass old man and some bird-nosed bitch rule over your lives?!"

Many of the people in the crowd, fellow Macedonians like Cleopatra, booed and hissed at her mention. They didn't like her very much. Some of the other people in the crowd, indigenous Egyptians, shrugged and dismissed Ptolemy, they did like Cleopatra. Some of the Jewish people in the crowd didn't care either way. "Eh, politics, am I right?" one of them said.

Caesar, Cleopatra, Danny, and Ninja Brian ran outside and confronted Ptolemy. "Knock it off Ptolemy!" Cleopatra yelled. Caesar simply walked up to Ptolemy and bound his arms together, "you're under arrest for being a thorn in my side." "You can't do that!" Ptolemy struggled, "I am a pharaoh in my own kingdom! Fuck you!"

Seeing this, much of the crowd started to riot. Thinking quickly, Danny turned to Caesar and Cleopatra and pulled out his guitar, "don't worry guys, we got this!"

Danny and Ninja Brian jumped from the balcony in the front of the crowd.

"Hey now everyone! There's no need to riot! Not when you have the power of MUSIC!"

With that, he calmly strummed his guitar.

Her hair glows a beautiful auburn glow,

Her face sports a nose that points real low,

She's poised and perfect and magnific,

How could you not like this pretty chick?

Dan strummed his guitar faster as Ninja Brian pulled out his keyboard as he added rhythm.

OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH

She's Cleopatra!

OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH

You fuckin' betcha!

OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH

The crowd slowly calmed and listened along with that the strange shiny man had to say.

She enters a room and shuts the whole place up,

Debates are handled quickly,

She lays the truth with an iron fist,

No way things are ending fickly.

People begin shaking their heads in understanding, liking what they're hearing.

Just ask yourself this simple question,

As you worry for your nation and people,

Would you rather have a strong and intelligent girl?

Or this little fucking whiny creeple?

Ptolemy: hey!

OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH

She's Cleopatra!

OOHHH OOHHH OOHHH

You fuckin' betcha!

OOHH OOHHH OOHHH

Cleopatra!

With the song coming to an end, the crowd began to cheer as Cleopatra and Caesar looked on in amazement. These two strange… strangers had effectively calmed a crowd and granted Cleopatra all the support she needed.

She ran down towards Danny and Ninja Brian, with Caesar in tow.

"Daniel Sexbang. Ninja Brian." She called, causing the two to turn around and give her their full attention. "You two are clearly special. I would like for you two to be part of my court. How does that sound?"

Danny stammered for a bit, before Ninja Brian smacked him in the head. "That sounds fucking awesome! Yeah!"

"Excellent." Cleopatra smiled.

Julius Caesar turned to Potheinos, Ptolemy's regent (because Ptolemy's just a boy, you think his dad would really let him rule this early?). "Potheinos, take this little parasite to his room. Put him on time out." He demanded.

"Yes. Hail Caesar!" Potheinos replied, taking Ptolemy gently towards the palace.

"This isn't over! You big-cheeked bastard!" Ptolemy yelled as he was taken away.

"Aww, give him his teddy bear before he gets cranky." Cleopatra mockingly cooed.

"Fuck you!" He called, before the palace door closed behind him.

"Well then, that's settled. We shall return to the palace discuss things further. I have recently come across your father's will." Caesar said, gesturing everyone to follow him.

TO BE CONTINUED!