This was a completely random idea I had when I was reading back through old stories I wrote, and listening to Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun" (hence the title lolol – the song actually gets referenced later on), definitely one of the best songs ever made, not to mention dark as all get-out lol. This is a dark comedy, borderline slapstick at times, written in a similar style to my other comedies, but a little more serious, and no one is portrayed as a complete moron. It follows the creepy adventures of Joker/Harley Quinn/Scarecrow/Two-Face through the mansion home of psychotic people, as they get into it with each other and some entertaining things happen. I chose to do those four because they were always my favorite Batman villains, and it would just be fun to watch them interact in this environment. I was almost tempted to put Poison Ivy in here, but that would have made it waaay too easy for them to get out of the woods xDDD

I always wanted to write a fic based on the comic (considering the only Batman fic I've written at all is for Batman Begins, and I grew up with the comic lol), and here it is… finally. Just don't ask me at what point in the comic's timeline this is taking place, 'cause I really don't know – but in this, Dr. Crane is still afraid of bats and he's just a bit more stable than normal xD.

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Black Hole Sun

By Burning Bridges

"And I'll hear you scream again

Black Hole Sun, won't you come

And wash away the rain?

Black Hole Sun

Won't you come, won't you come?"

Chapter One: Garden of the Dead

After having failed numerous times to accomplish much of anything on their own, Joker, Harley Quinn, Scarecrow and Two-Face had gotten together to hatch a plan that would more than likely work this time. 'More than likely' being the case as long as no one found out that they were doing it. So, to help them stay under the radar, they'd opted to do everything themselves, without the help of any outside parties… which is exactly why they were now wandering around the woods, completely lost.

"Okay, maybe we could have at least hired someone to come out here and find the damn plants for us, instead of us trying to do it and getting lost," Two-Face muttered, giving Dr. Crane a dirty look.

"Why are you looking at me?"

"You're the one who suggested we look for these stupid things."

"Oh, so it's my fault now that we're lost? It wasn't my idea to go off the trail."

"Since when do poisonous plants normally grow right next to worn-down paths? They grow in undisturbed areas, idiot!"

"I'm an idiot? You're the one who thinks plants can only grow in the middle of nowhere!"

"SHUT UP!" Harley yelled, getting sick of the arguing. "Do you even know what we're looking for?"

"Yes," Crane said matter-of-factly, "I studied the field guides very carefully. We're looking for some pretty unique plants here. One is covered in three-inch spines, one has black berries and saw-tooth edged leaves, another has large purple-white trumpet flowers that are hallucinogenic - "

"Okay, okay, I get the picture. I'm not seeing any plants, period. Let alone what you're describing."

"Maybe we should have just gone with a different plan – one that didn't involve finding elusive poison plants to make a mustard-gas-like chemical to use on the city. Granted, it would've probably gotten rid of our enemies, but in hindsight, this is kind of impractical," Joker said, for the moment, very serious.

"Oh, sure, like what Harvey came up with was any better – he can't do anything without consulting that stupid coin of his first," Crane complained, rolling his eyes.

"Go to hell, you straw-filled dumbass!" Two-Face retorted.

"Real mature; why don't you make another scarecrow joke! We'll see who's laughing when I give you a dose of my fear medicine!" Crane shouted, getting in his face.

"You're not inspiring much of any emotion here. Least of which, fear," Two-Face mocked, and Crane took a swing at him, but missed. "Ha! You fight like a girl!"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UUUUUP!" Harley almost screamed, forcing the two men apart. "If you two don't knock it off, you can just stay out here while we go back to Gotham without you!"

"Fine," they said in unison, giving each other nasty looks.

"It's hard to navigate through this place without a map," Joker said, observing the same rock they had just passed ten times in a row.

"And who's fault is it that we didn't bring one?" Crane said under his breath, just for Harley to give him the death glare.

"Don't start again."

"What happened to the trail, anyway?" Two-Face asked, looking all over.

They had found themselves in the middle of a densely overgrown area, and despite their attempts to navigate their way out of it, they'd been wandering around for an hour at least; lost in the labyrinth of bushes.

"This doesn't even look like the same forest… It's like we somehow stumbled into another one."

They had roamed into a very dark part of the forest without realizing it, an area that was nothing like where they'd been earlier. Unlike most other forests, this one seemed to be completely dead, or at least in a state of hibernation.

The trees were scraggly and black, their branches tangled together like roots, forming a literal canopy that almost blocked out the sky, which was getting darker and darker by the second. The bushes were little more than tumbleweeds still attached to the ground, leafless skeletons of their former selves. The ground itself seemed to be dead.

There wasn't a sound in the woodland. Even their footsteps were hushed by the soft dirt below.

"Where exactly are we? It doesn't look like… Anyplace," Harley said, observing the trees with some apprehension.

"I don't have a clue." Joker stopped, looking around for any sign of an exit. "Maybe we've been approaching this the wrong way."

"What do you mean?" Crane questioned.

"Well, when you get lost your supposed to stay put right? What if, since we don't know if anybody would even find us here, we just walk straight in a direction and see where we end up?"

"It could work," Two-Face replied, "But… uh… Which direction?"

"How about that way?" Joker pushed aside a bush, spotting a path leading straight ahead.

"Now why couldn't we have thought of that earlier?" Crane murmured.

They followed the path through nearly impenetrable flora until they stumbled out into the open, laying eyes on a slightly asymmetrical structure a short distance away, looming against the rising full moon.

"Wow, antiquated," Crane said, a bit taken aback by the fact there was a house in the middle of nowhere, let alone how old it was.

The place was perceptibly old; a surviving example of gothic-styled architecture during the Victorian era, and even the thickly forested area behind them seemed to be considerably older than the rest of the landscape. It rested atop a plateau connected to the bank where they stood, by a twisting path that dropped sheerly on both sides into a rocky abyss. The air here was chilly, whereas the forest had been warm, and the atmosphere carried with it an unidentifiable smell… Almost like rotting flowers.

The windows glowed with a warm light, and amid the gargoyles that lined the roof, smoke drifted from a chimney, twisting around itself and forming strange patterns against the darkening sky.

Harley shivered, rubbing her arms in an attempt to warm herself up. "What now?"

"Well," Joker thought, "We could ask for directions. Or we could just rob the place."

"Why would you want to go in there? For one, we're not exactly 'normal citizens'. And secondly, that place looks like it could fall apart at any time – how is it even possible to build an asymmetrical house?" Crane said, observing the house quizzically.

"I have four reasons: a) we're lost, b) we're so far outside of Gotham I wouldn't worry so much about anyone knowing us, c) anyone who would live in this place probably doesn't own a TV, and d) I'm in charge and I say we go," Joker said, to which Crane didn't respond, just glanced around idly, resisting the temptation to say something snarky.

"Should we go in then?" Harley asked, linking arms with Joker.

"Hang on," Two-Face interrupted, digging through his pocket, until he found his coin.

"Oh great, here we go again." Crane ran a hand down his face.

Two-Face flipped the coin. "Yup, we can go in."

Joker, Harley and Two-Face started up the winding path, while Crane waited behind a moment, intently studying the house with a blank expression. "Why did I decide to work with these people?"

Shaking his head, he started following along, voicing his opinion loudly. "I still think this is a bad idea."

"It couldn't hurt to take a look," Harley reassured. Reconsidering that statement, she quickly added, "Okay, maybe it could hurt to take a look. But it seems like it would be so much warmer inside there."

"You're right. Is it just me, or is it getting colder by the second?" Two-Face replied with a shudder.

They wandered up the twisting path, watching the house with a certain sense of hesitation. There wasn't a sound anywhere, except for the crunch and shuffle of rocks under their feet, and the stillness was quickly becoming unsettling.

The trail winded back and forth like a snake, and with each turn they felt a little more dizzy.

"How long have we been walking? It feels like years," Crane whined, peering over the edge of the path and quickly looking back up. The drop was at least thirty feet right into rock.

"Less than a minute, so quit bitching," Joker said, looking out over the top of the forest.

Directly behind the eerie house on the hill, rose sharp mountain peaks, tall and narrow, like knives pointing up at the dark sky overhead, where stars had begun to appear as the sky faded from blue to lavender.

Beyond the dark forest below, rolled green and gold fields that stretched across most of the landscape. They temporarily disappeared behind tall hills that blocked out the horizon for as far as the eye could see behind them. Far in the distance rose the form of Gotham City, which seemed to have an unnatural luminescence in the subdued light of day. Where the hills ended, mountains loomed darkly, clouds swirling overhead.

From here, the whole land took on a ghostly characteristic.

They rounded the last twist in the path and paused just before the stairs. Crane took a deep breath and stopped short, coughing heavily. This close to the house, the air smelled strongly of copper and iron… to a nauseating extent.

They looked at each other and ascended the steps, simply pushing the doors open and walking in.

"Pretty swanky," Joker commented.

A large staircase took up most of the room they had just entered, banisters carefully carved to resemble serpent-like creatures with huge fangs and a single red carpet running its length. The whole room had a very antique feel to it, and every surface within it was detectably dusty.

At the top of the stairwell hung a large painting, done all in different tones of red, depicting an imposing man with an intensely creepy smile. It had probably been there for a century at least, judging from the style it was painted in… And the incredible amount of dust on it.

Crane shifted uncomfortably. "It's really quiet in here."

With that, the doors swung shut behind them with a long, low creak, completely on their own. The group just stared, their reactions a mixture of confusion and uncertainty.

"Ooooookay," Joker said, cocking his head in a slightly impressed manner. "That's unusual. Awesome, but unusual."

"I'm finding it much more disturbing than 'awesome'," Crane remarked, blinking several times in a vain attempt to understand what just happened.

"They're probably just weighted or something," Two-Face rationalized, and Crane scoffed.

"Sure, like they'd wait so long to close after we opened them."

"Do you always have to be so critical about everything?"

"Seriously, do not start again," Harley warned them.

"Wonder where the owner is," Joker said, trying to lighten the mood, "It's not polite to keep guests waiting."

As if he'd been waiting in the wings for exactly such a question, it wasn't more than a few seconds before a form appeared at the top of the stairs, examining them carefully.

"Ahh. I haven't had guests in a long time," he said pleasantly, crossing his hands in front of his chest.

They collectively looked up at the man, who appeared to be in his early-to-mid 20's; an average height, slender fellow with medium-length russet hair, wearing tattered jeans, work boots and a black tee layered with a red plaid shirt. As welcoming as his voice sounded, his facial expression was twisted into a distrustful glower as he descended the stairs, looking them over warily

"Ah, here comes the host now," Joker announced to his companions who just nodded, keeping their eyes on the strange man.

"Welcome to the Hillside Manor. Please, come in and make yourselves at home." The man climbed down the stairs slowly, pausing after each step as if he didn't want to approach them too quickly. He barely blinked, scrutinizing them meticulously in a surreal manner, almost like he felt something funny was going on. "What brings you here?"

"We got lost in the woods," Harley piped up, "And we were trying to find our way back out."

"The way out? You must have gotten very lost to find yourselves this far away." He stopped a couple of feet from them, and motioned to everything around him, taking on an amiable tone. "You are welcome to stay as long as you wish. We have plenty of room."

He never smiled once, and it almost seemed his expression was permanently frozen in the frown he wore.

"Thank you," Joker replied cordially, giving him an appreciative semi-bow.

"Would you like anything to drink?" The man looked like he was about to kill someone.

The group exchanged looks. "Certainly," Joker replied.

"We could use the rest. My feet are killing me," Two-Face added.

"Come," the man answered, and with a sweeping motion of his hand, led them towards the room to the right. "The dining room."

The dining room, as he called it, didn't seem to have been touched in years. On either side of the room were open doorways that didn't appear to lead anywhere, except into eternal darkness. As they passed through, the boards groaned loudly as the floor shifted unsteadily, making them tread more lightly out of caution.

They were seated at a long dusty table, looking around at the paintings that lined the walls. A sinister-looking guy in colonial attire, more guys with super-eerie smiles, what looked like a really ugly woman, although it could have just been a very feminine man…

"I have never seen the likes of you before in these parts," he said, gazing at them solemnly as he twiddled his fingers. "Pray tell, where do you come from?"

Joker gave Crane the 'I told ya so' look. "We're from Gotham City. We came out here on a trip of sorts."

"Travelers," he said contemplatively, "It's been a while since I was in Gotham. Not since I brought my companions here."

"So you have roommates?" Two-Face asked, not being able to picture this guy having any sort of social life.

"Yes. Three of my old friends, and my other half." He seemed to be looking around for any sign of movement from the dark doorways, slowly scanning the whole of the room. "I brought them out here to get away from everything in the city. John, who needed to leave behind his adverse past, Seamus, who wanted to study the occult in peace, Tobias, who wanted a change of pace, and my darling Lynn, who I drove to the edge of insanity when I couldn't fully devote myself to her, and by the time I was ready to be with her, she was so far gone that I practically had to drag her here."

"Hm, the perfect couple," Joker murmured to Harley, who snickered.

"I think that's sweet that he went back for her after that," she responded, then raising her voice loud enough that the man could hear her, "It's unfortunate that she suffered so much."

"Yes," he said sadly, "She's still not the same." He paused for a moment, lost in thought, and then changed the subject. "I will get something for you to eat and drink. Just wait here."

As he turned to exit the room, he stopped, briefly looking back over his shoulder. "If anyone comes down, tell them that Gabriel invited you in."

When he'd left, Crane was the first to speak. "Gabriel, huh? Who names their kid after the Archangel of Judgement?"

"You're one to talk, Icabod," Two-Face teased, and Crane slammed his fist on the table.

"If you ever make another joke in reference to me about The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, you're going to be sorry!"

"Give it a rest," Harley moaned, wishing these morons would get along for more than ten seconds. "Besides, Harvey, he could just as easily make fun of you for having the same name as that giant invisible rabbit from that movie."

"I don't know that I'd really find that offensive," Two-Face said thoughtfully.

The odd man, Gabriel, re-entered the room, carrying a large tray. He walked around the table, serving them each a plate of something that was hard to identify. It smelled good, but they didn't know exactly what it was… aside from a pile of some kind of meat.

"I hope you enjoy dinner. It's my own special recipe."

They hesitated, eventually starting to pick at whatever it was. Gabriel took the liberty of pouring them each a glass of wine during the silence, before seating himself at the head of the table, watching them idly. Finally the stillness became too much to bear.

Crane nervously glanced up at the ceiling, thinking he'd seen something flutter just overhead. "How – how old is this place?"

Gabriel sighed, getting up and moving to the nearest wall, staring deeply at a smaller copy of the painting above the main stairwell. "It has been here at least three hundred years, since the time of my ancestor. This house has always been in my family. I inherited it from my late uncle."

"You must have a big family," Harley said, and their host turned to face them.

"Indeed. The three patriarchs," he said, motioning to the paintings behind him, "Excluding myself."

He held a hand up to the copy of the painting above the stairs. "The first of my forefathers."

"Er… What was his occupation?" Crane asked, taking into consideration how weird the painting was, and Gabriel just stared at him.

"A warlord." When he was satisfied that he wouldn't be interrupted further, he continued. "The founder of our family. He lived three hundred years ago, in a time when war was a way of life. He came here and built this house to find repose."

"Is this house the same as it was when it was built?" Joker asked casually, creating conversation for lack of any idea what they were going to do next.

"No. It ha been remodeled once or twice… and some things were added… more recently." He paced along the wall slowly, watching them out of the corner of his eye, seemingly anticipating that they weren't going to eat much more. "Would you like to look around?"

They nodded, getting to their feet almost in unison and following him out the furthest door, into an expansive library.

"Come. I'll show you my favorite room in the house."

He led them through a door, into a room of ledges and metal pipes that were high over a pit in the floor… where there was what appeared to be a giant grinder.

The blood stained floor sloped towards the center of the room, where what looked like the parts to an industrial blender were positioned. The four stood beside Gabriel, looking at the grinder with some level of collective abhorrence, each viewing it differently than the last. They'd seen a lot of freakish things, but this one was way up there on the list.

"This is my grinder. Makes it easier to… grind up a good deal of meat," Gabriel said indifferently, explaining himself further after seeing their facial expressions. "My friends and I make a living collecting roadkill and grinding up the different parts for different mulches and things. Blood meal, bone meal, that sort of thing."

They exchanged uneasy glances, not sure whether or not that was a real profession.

"Did you build it?" Two-Face asked, wondering how someone could find so much roadkill out here.

"Regrettably, no. I had hired help. Right after it's creation, though… he met an… unfortunate end," he replied, choosing his words carefully. "All the police ever found was a big bloodstain."

"Did he fall in?" Crane inquired, finding the idea slightly amusing.

"No, he was hit by a car."

Joker snorted, apparently finding it humorous. "You had me scared there for a second."

Gabriel just looked at him apathetically. "There is more to see."

Leading them back through the library, he paused to point at the bookcases, which were at least thirteen feet tall each. "Three hundred years of literature. Books by early settlers, hunting in the jungles of India, rare beasts that are now extinct… Many first editions."

"Do you have a copy of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow?" Two-Face asked, starting to snicker, and Harley had to restrain Crane to keep him from grabbing a book and beating him to death with it.

Gabriel was not amused. "Possibly," he said, before leading them on, passing back through the dining room. "Up above us, you can see the walkways that lead between the attic and the upper rooms. My companions are upstairs right now."

He led them back through more strange parts of the house, describing the long history of the family as they moved through each room, heading towards the back. As they entered a corridor lined with tall statues of sinister looking creatures, Gabriel turned to them, twiddling his fingers. "The garden."

They stepped outside into an assembly of tall hedges that formed a circular labyrinth, overgrown with strange vines. It was eerily green compared to the forest that surrounded the plateau, and each hedge was lined with worn headstones bearing unreadable names. They traced the circular path of the maze with their eyes until their gazes met with a large stone tomb in the center that clearly read in an old style of lettering, "Momento Mori".

"Hm, the 'remember death' inscription is a nice touch," Joker said, observing the tomb with an air of approval.

"Garden? Looks more like a cemetery to me," Crane said and Gabriel shrugged.

"To each his own." He moved forward slightly, glancing over it lovingly. "My whole family is here, cast in eternal sleep. Not to rise again… unless…"

"Hey, Crane, check it out – I just found your long-lost twin!" Two-Face laughed, pointing to an offshoot of the maze behind them.

In the small, out-of-the-way corner of the maze, lay a small vegetable patch where a badly made scarecrow appeared to be neglected. It was an incredibly ugly, rather disturbing thing, made from shoddily stitched-together burlap sacks, and straw that was falling out everywhere.

"That tears it!" Crane nearly screamed, running after Two-Face with the intention of beating his skull in.

As the two men ran around, making enough racket to wake the dead, Harley shook her head exasperatedly. "Excuse our acquaintances here, they have a hard time not acting like morons," she said, raising her voice with each word to make sure the two would hear her.

Of course, they were too busy to notice – Two-Face had somehow climbed onto one of the tall hedgerows, and was now pulling loose straw out of the dilapidated scarecrow to throw spitefully at Crane, who was swinging a discarded shovel at him in an attempt to knock him off.

Gabriel glanced at them, apparently not caring all that much. "I've tolerated worse."

There was suddenly a sound from far behind them, like the sound of footfalls on a wooden floor, echoing through the huge house. It was the sound of someone knocking on the front door loudly. No one moved, except Crane and Two-Face who were too busy battling it out still to have heard it.

Gabriel tapped his fingers together, not looking at either Joker or Harley as he turned to face the way they'd come. After a few moments, he spoke in a low voice, staring straight ahead intently. "Hm… Let me go see who has come to join us."

The two exchanged curious glances, as Gabriel looked to them, his tone no longer quite as hospitable as the one he had donned earlier. "I'd suggest you plan on staying here tonight, as the path will be impossible to find now that it's dark. I will show you to the available rooms when I come back."

The knocking came again, and Gabriel could ignore it no longer. "Coming," he said unenthusiastically to himself, walking back into the house.

"Huh, what are the odds they'd get so many visitors in one day?" Harley asked, looking in the direction he'd gone. "They do live in the middle of nowhere."

"Dunno," Joker replied, "If they're all as weird as this guy, I really wouldn't be surprised. Weird people, weird goings-on."

The two turned their attention back to the others, who were in the process of madly racing back and forth through the maze, Crane threatening to knock Two-Face's head clean off with the shovel. They watched them pass by a couple times until the novelty factor had worn off, and Joker grabbed Crane by the arm as they went to run by again.

"Get back here and fight like a man, you freak!" Crane shouted at Two-Face, who just stood a couple yards away, taunting him.

"You can't get me now, wuss!"

"I say we let them duke it out – at least when it's over, we won't have to worry about them acting like this for a while," Joker said, and Harley shrugged.

"As much as I'd like that, I think we should focus on the current situation, Puddin'."

"Yeah, that makes sense," he agreed, yanking Crane close to get his attention. "You, shut the fuck up. Harvey, stop being petty and childish. You can kill each other in a few minutes once we get situated here."

The two men reluctantly stopped fighting, and Joker glanced around at the garden. "Now where did that strange fella go?"

"Maybe we should look for him. I'm tired as hell," Two-Face said, stretching tiredly from his pursuit moments earlier.

"We couldn't just wait here until he comes back?" Crane griped, immediately changing his tone when he spotted something black flapping around overhead. "Is that a – ohGodohGodohGod!"

He didn't waste any time going back inside. The others followed him in, Two-Face laughing hysterically about him being afraid of a bat, while Harley and Joker questioned how much longer they'd put up with these idiots.

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Yeah, the reason they got lost in the woods was kinda lame, just goes to show how bad I am at thinking up stuff like that. Also, for the record, they could probably make some kind of poison gas out of the plants I described – they're all from the Nightshade family, so they're toxic enough xD

I don't know exactly what made me want to have Dr. Crane and Harvey constantly picking on each other, it just gave me a laugh. In my other Batman story, he has the same kind of antipathy going with the Joker xDD

The five antagonists are all OCs of mine, who I use in different fics – if you've ever read my Superjail fic or are familiar with my art, you might know them. Gabriel and Lynn are actually OCs I created specifically for my other Batman fic, and now they've become two of my main characters, John I created ten years ago as a character for this series I wrote about paranormal investigators where he murdered people on the side as a hobby lol, and Tobias and Seamus were both created for my SJ fic, just to become main characters of mine. It's surreal seeing them all in the roles of psychotic murderers – well, except John, 'cause he's a murderer to begin with xD, but with the others, it's just weird. Lynn and Gabriel's backstory in this is actually an exaggerated version of their backstory from DSS, just without certain events involved – and waaay creepy. I had some idea when I started this, of them having this "Millennial Death Cult" thing going on, but I dunno – it would fit well with the "Black Hole Sun" theme tho.

LOL "Sleepy Hollow" jokes – I'm so lame xD.

Well, this story was originally only supposed to be two chapters – but it looks like it's going to be longer than that now. So, enjoy the ride, and if you're reading, feel free to leave me a review and let me know what ya think!