A SUPERNATURAL FANFIC

DRABBLES FROM SEASONS 1-7

OK, a complete fanfic of Supernatural summarizing every event in every episode of every season in a few, short drabbles. Each season of the show is at least 800 hours long, and there's loads of unnecessary characters there. What can you delete from it?

Pilot

John Winchester: You let a monster live, fuck you, Sam. Go off to college if you want to, but I'm not your father any longer, so get the fuck away from me.

Sam: Whatever, minger.

(Many years later)

Dean: Let's go hunting.

Sam: Yeah. Alright. Got nothing better to do right now. Not like I have an outrageously important job interview on Monday or anything.

Dean: Not like you care about your future.

Sam: 'Xactly.

(On the road)

Constance: Come and fuck me, sleazy car guy.

Guy: Yyyyeee...

(Constance eats him)

(In Jericho)

Sam: We're hunting a ghost. See, I've suddenly taken charge even though I swore I was done hunting for good.

Dean: She's over there! (Shoots Constance)

Sam: Oh yeah, I just remembered. I do have something to live for, a job interview. A laywer.

Dean: Fuck you. You want to be a lawyer, you're no longer my brother.

(Takes him home, house is burning)

Sam: Screw that. Not like I've got anyone worth saving in there. Probably some random shit. Let's hunt a fuzzy, furry friend.

Wendigo

Hailey: Shit, both my brothers have disappeared!

Cop: Yeah, and not like we're botherin' to look for them neither.

Dean: Hey, whaddya know, some bitch in trouble.

Hailey's brother: Get the fuck outta here.

(In the woods)

Wendigo: HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLP!

Hailey: That's a grizzly.

Dean: Wish I could tell you otherwise.

(Shoots Wendigo)

Hailey: (Kisses him)

(To Sam)

Hailey: Fuck you.

Dead in the Water

Sherrif: And now I'm gonna assume you guys are both FBI, although by the looks of you I haven't met either of you before.

Dean: Yeah. Yeah. We're cops, alright.

Andrea: Oh hi Dad. (To Winchesters) You're hunting some freaky ghost in our lake aren't you? A ghost which I didn't even know my dad killed. And for some reason everyone assumes the ghost is a sea monster, even people who've seen the ghost.

Dean: (To Sherrif) You killed the ghost, right?

Sherrif: No don't listen to them, they're liars and they're dangerous.

Dean: (Shoots Sherrif dead)

Ghost: (Explodes)

Andrea: Thanks for putting everything back ta normal.

Dean: Don't mention it.

Andrea: (To Sam) I fucking hate you and I'm not even going to notice your obvious presence.

Phantom Traveller

Demon: Heh heh heh... there's a nervous, fidgety, aerophobic guy there. Lemme, lemme possess him and bring down a plane.

(On plane)

Possessed Guy: Oh, I'm fine sir.

(Opens emergency hatch, plane explodes)

(On plane)

Sam: We haven't fooled anyone with our prank calling, so let's do this ourselves.

Dean: Yep, and my ESP doesn't like the pilot. He's the demon.

Pilot: That I am.

Dean: Christo!

Pilot: Fuck... (explodes)

Bloody Mary

Girl: Hey, I heard of this really sick story about this bloody bitch who killed her kids, and if you speak her name in front of a mirror she'll come out!

Other girl: Let's do it then!

Girls: Bloody Mary... Bloody Mary... Bloody Mary.

(Kayako Saeki appears)

Girls: Uuhhhh...

(In the mansion)

Dean: (After breaking mirrors) This is like... six hundred years' bad luck.

Sam: Oh careful bro, there's a zombie girl right behind you.

Dean: (Eats McDonald's chips and flicks salt on her)

Bloody Mary: (explodes)

Sam: Yep, that bitch reads your guilty thoughts. It's good I didn't let my girlfriend die in a house fire or I'd be screwed.

Skin

Sam: A guy killed his girlfriend back in my hometown. Obviously a supernatural murder and not simple homicide.

Dean: Yeah, and what gives? Some supernatural skinchanger pretending to be me!

Sam: (Shoots skinwalker)

Skinwalker: (As Dean) Even when we were kids, I always kicked your ass!

Sam: (Shoots it)

Hook Man

Dean: Ghost going round slashing people open with hook, no such thing as a normal murdering bastard here.

Sam: Lemme go and chat up the vicar's sexy daughter who has just lost her boyfriend in a car accident.

Jacob Karns: I'm back from the dead to kill all the women in town!

Sam: Go to Hell, fatman!

Jacob: I'm not fat... uuugggh... (Dies)

Bugs

Solicitor: Question: What is this massive swarm of spiders doing in my shower?

Spiders: The Indians want you dead, white bitch!

Solicitor: Fine then... (screams)

(Meanwhile)

Dean: Fuck you, Sam. All you can think about is bitches.

Sam: McDonalds.

Dean: People in danger, house of bugs, Indian curse... not our business.

Sam: Who said it was?

Home

Sam: I had a nightie.

Dean: Ewwww, sicko!

Sam: No, a nightie.

Dean: Awwww... what was it?

Sam: Woman waving from a house window, looked like she was about to be eaten.

Dean: Not our business.

Sam: I'm having nightmares that predict things, aren't you worried?

Dean: (Smirks cheerfully) I never am.

Asylum

Police officer: Years ago, doctor experimented on his patients here at this asylum. They rioted and burned it down, killing him.

Police officer: It's meant to be haunted by all those patients, I assume?

Police officer 1: Yep.

Police officer 2: No reason for us to go in then.

Police officer 1: Yep. (They go in)

Boyfriend: As a dare, we'll go in to this incredibly haunted asylum where a policeman murdered his wife after coming home from investigating it!

Girlfriend: Do it, you'll be so brave!

Dean: (Driving past asylum) Some couple in trouble.

Sam: None of our business.

Scarecrow

Old couple: Here, apple pie. We're fattening you up to be eaten by our local god. It's an honour.

Boyfriend: I'm sure it is.

Scarecrow god: ROARRRRRR

Dean: Fuck you Sam. You're a dick. I suddenly hate you for some reason. As if we haven't argued enough in this episode. If you leave, don't come back.

Sam: Fuck you, brother.

(A while later)

Sam: Hey, hottie.

Meg: Piss off!

Dean: The townspeople depend on the god. By burning the tree, you'll doom them all.

Daughter: Good.

Faith

Dean: Fuck this shit. I have a heart condition, but I'm outta here.

Reverend: I sense an unbeliever in our midst! I'm gonna heal you, using black magic!

Dean: Oh, not this Satanic stuff again.

Sam: Yep, when can our lives ever be normal?

Reaper: I have taken a gay man when you were healed in his place!

Dean: Then you can take my soul.

Reaper: Boo hoo, too late. But I noticed the priest's wife is evil and is using me as a weapon. Heh, guess I'll take her instead.

Priest's daughter: I have a brain tumor. I'll die in two weeks.

Dean: You're not hot, fuck you.

Sam: That's the way to talk to bitches.

Route 666

Racist truck: All you niggers get outta my way, for I'm gonna fuck with you!

Dean: That's not very nice. You racist truck, bite this salt!

Truck: What if I'm not a ghost?

Dean: Then that's your lookout.

Racist truck: Heh heh heh... aaaaaaaaaaaagggggggh (dies)

Nightmare

Sam: Another nightmare. Aren't you worried, Dean?

Dean: What did you see?

Sam: A man being gassed in his car.

Dean: Like I said, let's go to the movies. Instead of doing supernatural stuff all the time, let's watch it!

Sam: DEAN! A man was murdered!

Dean: Screw that. I want a Big Mac.

The Benders

Pa Bender: Hey family, after watching The Hills Have Eyes, I fell in love with the cannibals. Let's do this shit for real!

Benders: YA!

Kid: Some big scary monster took that guy.

Dean: Boom! Boom! Shoot!

Pa Bender: Awwewrrrggthh! (dies)

Police officer: He died trying to escape.

Shadow

Meg: Whaddya know, I'm back! And I've got the sexy urge to kill! I'm controlling Daeva, see, Sam. It's not like your girlfriend who never existed had anything to say in the matter.

Sam: Go to Hell.

Meg: Maybe I'm a demon.

Dean: Jesus, Sam, after seeing a demon-possessed guy blow up that plane we can't even tell whether someone is possessed or not?

Sam: Is she possessed?

Meg: No. I'm a demon in human form.

Sam: See.

Dean: Yep.

Meg: Now I'll go off to the edge of the roof and proclaim my Satanic cult to rule H... (stumbles off roof and falls seven floors down)

John: Hey kids, it's me.

Sam: What? Who the fuck are you?

John: I... am your father!

Sam: No... not you. Anyone but you.

John: Search your brain, you know it to be true.

Sam: You're lying. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hell House

Dean: Just like from Scary Movie 2!

Mordecai's ghost: Come to me you sexy bitches!

Sam: Why is everyone on this show so freakin' hot?

Dean: This ghost isn't a ghost, it's an agricultural phenonemon.

Sam: Don't you mean psychological phenonemon?

Mordecai: RRRRROOAR!

Dean: (Shoots ghost)

Something Wicked

Dean: Remember the time when a big scary witch came into your room and Dad screamed the house down about me being out at bingo?

Sam: Bingo? At seven?

Dean: Well this thing's back. Look at all the ill, unconscious kids in this hospital. Definitely not flu, not a virus, not a bug... It's supernatural.

Sam: Where's the witch?

Shtriga: Funny how my name almost reads shit?

Dean: (kills it)

Provenance

Dean: Isaiah was the scapegoat when all his family were found with their throats cut. Not his daughter, obviously, an eight year old girl wouldn't kill anyone like that.

Sam: (Burns Isaiah) Bye Isaiah. Oh, and fuck you.

(Old woman killed)

Dean: What? We stopped this thing!

Sam: It's never over with your tactics.

Dean: Oh look, a doll with human hair in a crypt. Obviously this ghost will die if we burn the hair... Oh look, it's dead. Aside from a hundred victims with slit throats, this trip worked out nicely. What a night.

Dead Man's Blood:

John Winchester: Vampires. That's what killed my friend. Vampires.

Dean: Oh shit, we're going into Twilight aren't we?

(Vampire sex)

Luther the vampire: Can't we evil, superpredatory, bloodsucking fiends just live alongside you?

(More vampire sex)

Dean: Ooh... I don't think so.

John: This here is a weapon named after Samuel Colt. The Samuel Colt gun. Aka the Colt. It can kill any mindless, supernatural crap.

Dean: (fires)

Luther: Uugughgghgh fuck!

Salvation

Meg: I'm back and want your father. Not like I fell seven floors from a tower block.

Sam: You did.

Meg: Did I?

Priest: So what can I do for you, sexy lady?

Meg: I'm a demon. Does that make me a bad person?

Priest: I may be a pedo, but I can see you're evil!

Devil's Trap

Dean: Christo.

Meg: Unnnkhhh... (dies)

Sam: Notice how in recent episodes me being ignored by girls has been dramatically lowered?

John: Hey boys. Do your Holy Water first. I mean, I might be possessed.

Sam: (does so)

John/Azazel: Well you really should have listened to your father, Indy.

Sam: What the...?

John/Azazel: I see you've got the only possible weapon that could kill me and now I'm just going to throw the Colt away.

Sam: Why did you posses our dad?

John/Azazel: Nothing personal, Jack. It's just business.

Dean: You bastard.

John/Azazel: Your father's still in here with me. Trapped inside his meatsuit. That's another term from our TV show stolen by Lost.

John/Azazel: SHOOT ME, SAMMY! SHOOT ME NOW! YOU HAVE THE COLT!

Sam: (shoots him in the leg)

Azazel: (flees)

John: I'm surprised at you, Sam. I hate you. Fuck you. You could've killed that demon and all of this would be over.

(Truck smashes into them all and pounds their Impala into oblivion)

Truck driver: Why, hello. Just because I slammed a twenty-foot long truck into a teeny Impala doesn't mean I'm drunk. It means I'm possessed.