(Edit)A/N: Okay, so as I finish up this story, I'm taking the opportunity to go back to the beginning and put a bunch of stuff where it belongs. Mostly, warnings.
So. The beginning's pretty benign, but once the flashback starts, there's some things you should know. Warnings for alcoholism, drug abuse, underage alcohol and drug use/abuse, depression, allusions to suicidal ideation, references to child abuse/domestic violence, verbal abuse, homophobia, no really some serious homophobic shit coming out of the mouths of parental units, so much bigoted assholery, and also language (both cussing and homophobic slurs). Some stuff I manage to warn ahead of time on the chapters where they're specifically relevant, but I figured an overall warning at the beginning would probably be a good plan.
Anyway, it's not always as serious as the laundry list of warnings makes it out to be, so, uh, yeah. Aaaaand, begin!
"Sammy!" Dean says cheerfully into his cell (carefully balanced between his ear and shoulder) as he simultaneously flips a pancake and scrambles an egg. Damn, but he's gotten good at this whole domesticity thing. "What're you calling for on this fine November morning?"
"You know why, Dean," Sam sighs over the airwaves, and he can hear the kid bitchfacing at him from a thousand miles away. "Jess just called because Jo says Ellen told her you still haven't RSVP'd for Thanksgiving."
"That's quite the gossip chain you got going there, Samantha," Dean remarks, and then, shouting over the sizzling of eggs and bacon, "Ben! Breakfast, kid!"
"Coming!" comes the distant response, followed by the pounding of stocking feet on stairs.
"Dean – " Aaaaand Sammy is using his warning voice, so Dean gives a sigh and maybe a bit of a bitchface of his own, taking his sweet time doling breakfast out onto three plates before responding.
"I didn't realize this was the sort of shindig you had to RSVP to. Damn, Bobby and Ellen gettin' all fancy on us when our backs are turned." He can hear the impatience in the pause, and hurries on before his little brother can get even more annoying. "'Course I'm coming, Sam, I thought I told Ellen. Or Bobby, at least. Anyway, Lisa's bringing Ben to her mom's for the holiday, and Thanksgiving's a time for family, right? Where else would I go but good ol' Lawrence?"
"Alright, good," Sam sighs again, but this time in apparent relief. Dean imagines him closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose like he does when he's stressed or has a headache. "Sorry for being so irritable, it's just a lot of pressure lately, I've got this huge case I'm closing on Thursday, and what with the pregnancy and all – "
"Yeah, how is the coming hellspawn? Here, bring this to your mom, will you?" he adds as Ben appears beside him. The kid grins and nods, shoving a piece of bacon in his mouth before disappearing with two of the plates.
"The baby's fine, Ruby's fine, she just wants more salt than usual or something, I don't know, I think it's a hormone thing." In the background, Dean hears Ruby's voice.
"Speaking of, husband, I need French fries."
"Ruby, it's seven o'clock in the morning."
"Baby don't care, Sam-o, feed me French fries."
"Better do as she says, Sammy," Dean laughs, "You're a married man now, and gonna be a dad. Better get used to doing as you're told."
"You're my brother, I thought you were supposed to be on my side. Jerk." Sam's whining, but he's laughing, so it's all good.
"Bitch." Dean grins as he shovels a forkful of his own breakfast into his mouth, making sure to chew extra loud so Sam can hear it over the line.
"That's gross, Dean," Sam says, sighing again, but then his tone suddenly changes. He's serious now, nervous, a bit like he was at the beginning of the conversation. "Hey, Dean, there's, uh, there's something else Jess said Ellen mentioned. Thought you should know."
"What is it Sammy?" he asks, unconsciously tensing. "Someone die?" It's only half a joke. He's lost too much for it to be more than half.
"No, no, nothing like that, it's just…You know that Missouri's been renting out our old place since she bought it years back?"
"Yeah, Sammy, old news. House has too much history to sell, she said." And isn't that the damned truth.
"Well, she just got a new renter. Short-term lease or something." Sam's talking like he's treading lightly now, which Dean doesn't get, because he and Sammy haven't lived there for about a decade, not since Sam went off to college and Dad died in The Accident, so it's not like a new tenant is gonna upset Dean now.
"What's wrong, Sam. Don't like the new guy or something?"
"No, it's just…You won't believe this, but – Dean, it's Cas staying in our old place. Castiel Milton."
[this is a line break]
Lisa finds him in his room late that night, hours after they've both gotten off work, after Ben has fallen asleep. Dean is hunched over a battered old shoebox, usually hidden in the back of his closet, silently debating whether or not to open it. He's gripping it so tightly his knuckles are white, and he doesn't even notice Lisa come in until she sits on the bed next to him and places a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"Hey," he says, without looking over at her, just grateful his voice doesn't break on the word.
"Hey yourself," she returns. "Everything okay? You've been out of sorts since Sam called this morning. Something go wrong with the great and magical Thanksgiving plans?" She smiles a little bit when Dean finally turns, and he can't help but almost smile in return. He's been talking about going home for Thanksgiving for weeks, no matter Sam or Ellen or anyone else thinks.
"That obvious, huh?" And Lisa just gives him this look, because, really, of course she knows. Next to Sam, Lisa is probably Dean's best friend. They had hooked up a couple of times years ago, back when Lisa was a yoga instructor and Dean was on his cross-country road trip, the one that had lasted years and only ended with The Accident. He and Lisa had parted on good terms, but back then, she hadn't meant more than any of the other girls (and guys) he met and slept with and moved on from by getting in the Impala and driving away.
They had met again years later, at one of the lowest points of Dean's life. After The Accident, money had gotten tight, what with hospital bills and all, and Dean's sometimes-job as a mechanic at Bobby's hadn't been cutting it. Sam had been threatening to drop out of school and start working, but Dean couldn't let him, so he basically sold his soul to the highest bidder and ended up in insurance sales several states away. It had been fine, for a while, but eventually the job, combined with all the other shit going on in his life, had just become too much. One day, Dean had lost it completely, cussing out his boss, this dick Zachariah Adler. In the ensuing chaos, Dean may or may not have thrown a computer out of his fourth-floor window.
He had, of course, been fired. Pretty much all his earnings had been going to pay Sam's tuition for undergrad and then law school, so he couldn't even afford rent in his shitty apartment at the end of the month, let alone the court-prescribed therapy sessions. On his last day in his apartment before he got evicted, he happened to run into Lisa at the grocery store. One thing led to another, she bought him lunch, they caught up on each other's lives, he spilled his guts, and she offered to rent him her spare bedroom.
That had been almost three years ago. He's back in a garage now, working on cars, because that's what he likes best, and he's damn good at it. Sam is making enough money as a defense attorney in sunny California to pay his own bills, and Lisa has straight-up domesticated Dean. He's learned to cook more than he ever did when he was practically raising Sammy on spaghetti-o's and ramen. He does dishes, mows the lawn, and even drives Ben to soccer practice, almost like a real dad or something.
People always think he and Lisa are a couple, especially when Dean does stuff with Ben, but they aren't. They tried again, for a little bit, but they're better off as friends and housemates, and they both like it that way. It's been good. Not exactly what he was looking for, the few times when he imagined himself living the apple pie lifestyle, but it's good.
He realizes it's taking him a long time to say anything, mostly because he doesn't know what to say. He's never told Lisa about Cas. He's never told anyone about Cas.
"I told you how our friend Missouri rents out the old Winchester homestead, back in Lawrence, right?" he finally manages, and Lisa just nods. "Sam was telling me the new tenant is this guy…we knew him growing up, he and I were best friends when we were kids – " Jesus shit, he's bungling this up. What the hell is he supposed to say, though? "He and I – he was my first boyfriend." And there it is, almost.
"Ah, young love," Lisa jokes, trying to lighten the mood, but it falls flat. Dean shakes his head, because that's not it, not really.
"He and I – his parents were real religious, and when they found out – they sent Cas away," and his voice sounds rough on Cas' name, like it wants to break but can't, is too stubborn. "Then they left town. I never saw or heard from him again."
Lisa lets the silence settle for a few seconds before she replies. "But you're pretty torn up about the fact that he's back in town, considering this had to be what, fifteen years ago?" Dean's heart twists at the realization that yeah, it has been that long, holy crap. His mouth tightens, because he knows that Lisa's right, this should be way in the past by now, but it's not. And because it's Lisa he's talking to, the words come spilling out anyway.
"Yeah, but, I don't know, Lisa, maybe it was just that we were teenagers or whatever, but I haven't – I mean, I got kinda serious with Cassie for a month or so, but really – he was the only one –" Dean Winchester does not even think words like 'soul mates,' but if he did – "the only one I was ever serious about, and then he was just gone, you know? Maybe if we'd had a falling out, or an ugly breakup, or even just ended when he went off to school or whatever, I'd be over it, 'cause you're right, it's stupid not to be, but – I don't know, I guess it just feels like unfinished business, and it's right down the street from my great and magical Thanksgiving plans."
Lisa moves her hand from his shoulder to wrap both arms around him in a quick sideways hug. "Well, maybe you should go see him while you're in town. Get it resolved so you can move on?"
Dean doesn't say that there is no moving on from Castiel Milton, that he's been trying to move on for years but he still ends up in the beds of men with dark hair and blue eyes who are only ever one-nights stands because they're not who he's looking for. That every time he hit a new town on his road trip, every time he moved somewhere new, he always checked the Miltons in the phonebook to see if there was a listing for a Castiel. That he still dreams of Cas' half-smile and of quiet days by the lake. He doesn't want to sound lovesick or melodramatic anymore than he already does, so he doesn't say any of this.
Instead, he just puts one arm around Lisa's waist and gives a brief squeeze and murmurs, "Yeah."
