I decided to repost this little story, mostly because it still amuses me after all these years, and also because it's my first fanfic ever. It was written waaaaay back in, I dunno, 1999 or something, shortly after I first moved out to Philadelphia for graduate school. It's unpolished and silly, and cracks the fourth wall a bunch of times, but I still love it. Back then my online name was "Zakiyah" and this story was originally posted under that name. Before I got all embarrassed and took it down, that is.

All's Fair in Love and War

Something has got to be done about those blasted kids!

Venger winged his way homeward after having those obnoxious children foil yet another perfect plan. This is just too humiliating. You'd think that after eliminating all of Dungeonmaster's other pupils that I'd be able to take on those six brats with no problems.

He swore (for the 67th time that year) that he would see those accursed children punished!

Preoccupied with thoughts of revenge, he absently sent fireball after fireball at the forest below him, watching the little fires with a vague satisfaction. He failed to notice that a large red head had poked up from between the branches to discover the source of the disturbance—and that this head was soon joined by four smaller ones of various colors.

One of the fireballs smacked the red head square between the eyes.


The kids had set out on their next quest, to find the ruins of the Silver City and retrieve the shattered amulet that resided there. In his usual cryptic way, Dungeonmaster had hinted that the amulet, once reassembled, could send them home. Of course, just so they didn't get their hopes up that this would be an easy task, he'd added, "You will meet a master's apprentice who will guide your way. But be warned, one among you will be faced with a terrible choice, between what the heart desires most, and that which they seek. "

"What?" interrupted Eric with his usual tact. "That's stupid! We all want to go home, right? What could we possibly desire more?"

There was no answer from Dungeonmaster. There was no Dungeonmaster to answer.

"Awww….he's gone!" It was always a shock to Bobby that Dungeonmaster could disappear right from under his nose, even when he tried to keep looking straight at him.

"You know what Dungeonmaster means by a terrible choice," Diana said grimly. "Venger will come after us, and we'll have to destroy it to keep him from getting it."

"Come on, gang, we have to try anyway," said Hank cheerily. "You never know, this could be our big chance!"

Eric remained unconvinced. "Suuuure it is, Oh Eternal Optimist. That's what you said when we set out to find Merlin's Castle….the River that Flows Upwards….Zandora's Box…..the Heart of the Dragon…." He counted off on his fingers.

"But we did make it home at the river," Bobby pointed out. "We only came back because of you!"

"Ease up, guys, it wasn't anybody's fault." Sheila, always the peacemaker, stepped between the Barbarian and the Cavalier before things got messy. "Hank's right, we've got to try!"

And so they walked, and argued, and made up, for the rest of that day, as they had done every day since their arrival. They journeyed through weird mutant landscapes that reminded one of Salvadore Dali. They journeyed through lovely landscapes where even the Realm's rather lenient laws of physics did not seem to apply. And they journeyed through landscapes that looked so much like earth that the kids could almost forget they were trapped in a bizarre world of monsters and dragons and evil bat-winged sorcerers who wanted them dead.

Almost.

At one point they heard a loud roar from the direction of a nearby forest, followed by a great disturbance. They dove for cover and watched in amusement as Tiamat chased their frantic one-horned friend across the sky. That was such a familiar sight that they didn't even bat an eye. They simply waited until the sounds of Tiamat's roaring and Venger's curses had faded, then continued on their way.

Around lunchtime, a small herd of jackalopes led them on a merry chase, but reached their burrows before the kids could catch them. Trying Diana's idea of smoking them out of their homes, they turned to find the cute little critters gathered on a hill nearby (having simply gone out the fire exits), staring pitifully at them with beady tear-drop eyes. Feeling terrible, the kids wandered off to find more berries, leaving the creatures chattering angrily about the smoke damage.

That night they rolled up in Presto's electric blankets, chatting about everything from Star Wars to Atari. Presto again tried to conjure up a power plant to heat the blankets, but the hat remained stubborn on this point and spit out a flower plant instead.

A shadowy figure lurked just outside their cheery firelit circle. After overhearing enough of their conversation, he flew off to make his report.