Time Will Destroy Us
Kate Secor
Chapter 1
It had been hours since Dean had talked to Castiel. Cas had tried talking to him at least ten times, but Dean would only nod and go back to gazing out of the side window of the Impala. Cas had insisted on driving, since Dean could barely even move without shaking uncontrollably. It was the first time Cas had ever driven the Impala and he knew if he crashed it, it would be the last thing he ever did, so he clutched the wheel tightly and tried to focus completely on the road. Of course he couldn't put his full attention on it, since Dean was right beside him trying to cover his face so Cas wouldn't see his silent tears.
Cass knew Dean would likely never recover from this. After all, he had watched his brother get ripped to shreds. Cas knew it wasn't Dean's fault, that he couldn't have stopped it, but Dean had put the blame on himself, like he always did. It took hours before Cas could finally pry Sam's mutilated body from Dean's grasp to bury him. He was sure Dean wouldn't want him burned. It just didn't feel right.
It was getting late and Cas knew Dean must be tired, so he stopped at a run-down motel, just outside of Detroit. He pulled into the parking lot, stepped out of the car, and went around to Dean's side. Even as Cas opened the door and took Dean by the arm, he didn't budge.
"Dean," Cas whispered. "I just want to get you a room so you can sleep. Please come with me."
Slowly Dean stood and allowed himself to be dragged toward the motel. He just watched with lazy eyes as Cas paid for the night and led him toward a small, dusty room. He didn't really mind how dirty it was. In fact, he didn't even notice the dust that billowed around him as he sat down on one of the beds. It was like his body was there, but his mind was somewhere far away.
"Dean, do you want to sleep?" Cas asked gently.
Dean nodded and silently laid down and buried his face in the pillow.
Cas turned and grabbed a chair, placing it by the foot of Dean's bed. Cas was an Angel, therefore he didn't sleep, which he guessed was good in this case. He wanted to make sure Dean was alright.
Everything seemed fine for half the night, until around two, when Dean started thrashing in his sleep. "No," he muttered, punching and kicking wildly. "No, not Sammy."
Cas shot up from his seat and was next to Dean in two long strides. "Dean," he murmured, shaking him as gently as he manage.
Dean bolted upright, his face wet with fresh tears, breathing heavily. He looked around frantically then, realizing where he was, relaxed.
"Were you dreaming about Sam?" Cas asked quietly.
Dean looked up at him, cleared his throat, and said "yes." His voice was barely audible as he said it, and it cracked awkwardly.
Cas looked at him sadly, understanding. "I'm so sorry Dean."
"Yeah," Dean choked out around a lump that had formed in his throat. "Me too."
Cas sat down on the edge of the bed, hand still touching Dean's shoulder, fitting perfectly on the handprint scar Dean would always have. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Dean shook his head, wiping angrily at the tears.
"Dean please," Cas begged. "You can't keep this to yourself."
"Yes I can," Dean muttered stubbornly.
"Dean," Cas began. "I know this is hard. You just lost your brother. You felt it was your responsibility to protect him. That you were responsible for his death-"
"No!" Dean yelled, shooting to his feet as sudden anger washed over him. "You have no idea how I feel! You don't know what it's like to feel like your only responsibility was to protect someone and then fail! He was it for me! The most important person in my life! The person I cared about more than anything! It was my job to protect him and I screwed it up, just like I screw everything up! I let him die! It's my fault! I can't-" Dean sat back down hard on the bed and buried his face in his hands as the tears flowed down his cheeks freely.
Cas wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled Dean close, stroking his short hair. "Shhh, it's okay. It will be okay. It wasn't your fault Dean. There's nothing you could have done. Don't blame yourself."
Cas reached down and pulled Dean's chin up so he was staring right in his perfect emerald eyes. "Don't you ever think this was your fault. Dean, look. I know how you feel about yourself, okay? I know that you feel responsible for everything. That you feel like Sam was the only person you had. And I know how much you… hate yourself," Cas's voice broke as he tried to get through his speech. "But listen to me when I say this; not everything is your responsibility. And I know you feel like Sam was the only person you had, but Dean, I'm still here. I won't leave you. I promise. As long as you want me around, I'll stay. You will always have me. Dean, I need you to hear me. You are amazing. I know you don't think so, but I will make sure you realize this eventually. You're smart and brave and gorgeous and… and I love you," Cas finished in a hushed whisper, desperate to get it out before he decided it was a bad idea.
Dean stared at Cas, eyes wide in shock. He gulped, immediately regretting admitting his feelings for Dean.
"Look, I- I didn't-" Cas stammered before Dean cut him off.
"Don't," Dean murmured. "Don't you dare say you didn't mean it."
Cas nodded. "I did mean it."
Dean smiled weakly, the first smile Cas had seen pass Dean's lips in a very long time. "Good," Dean breathed.
Suddenly, Dean leaned forward and pressed his lips to Cas's. Cass didn't respond right away out of surprise, but then his arm wrapped around Dean's waist, pulling him closer. Dean ran his hands through Cas's hair, feeling as though his heart had stopped. He couldn't believe this was happening. He knew how he felt about Cas, but he never thought someone so amazing could love someone so… screwed up.
Dean finally drew back, leaving them both gasping for breath. Dean finally met Cas's eyes and felt as though he could drown in them. "Cas?"
"Mmm?" Cas managed to get out, still trying to catch his breath.
"I love you too."
Cas smiled in amazement. "I thought I would never hear you say that."
Dean smiled, all thoughts of Sam erased from his memory for the time being. All that mattered was Cas. Cas and him together. "I could say the same to you."
Cas laid down on the bed and pulled Dean close. "Remember when we first met?"
Dean chuckled slightly. "I tried to stab you."
Cas laughed quietly. "Yes, I suppose you did. But Dean? Do you remember anything else?"
Dean shook his head, looking up at the Angel's face. His Angel. Dean smiled at the thought. Cas was his Angel.
"Back then you didn't think you deserved to be saved. Well, you still don't. That hasn't changed."
"Cas? Is there a point to this story?"
"Yes," Cas looked down into the Hunter's eyes. "I didn't tell you this before, but I wish I had. Maybe things could have gone differently then. But I'll tell you now and I'll hope it's good enough. You deserve to be saved, Dean Winchester. Don't you ever forget it."
