This is an idea that's been rattling around in my head for a while. It sort of came out of the song Angels by Within Temptation. You will see why later. I'm putting an M on it for drug use and later chapters. I'm not sure how this will follow all I know is it is not going to be fluffy. Set after the fall, John begins writing a diary as he returns to 221B.

Part one - A month after the fall.

The diary of Dr. John Watson.

I went back to work today. It had to happen at some point. I couldn't just sit and waste the rest of my life. That's what Harry told me, not that I think she's one to judge. But as she told me I'm the stronger one and that it's not as though this was the first time I had seen someone close to me.. I still can't bring myself to type the words. My therapist thinks I'm repressing it, not accepting it, but.. I just don't want to say it.

I know that Harry's right. This is not new and yet it is all so new. All I see is you with you're arms outstretched, You're coat flying behind you. You reaching for me.

I know that you would say the same. You would tell me I was being ridiculous. But then you're an idiot. Alone protects no one, I hope you see that now. I wonder sometimes if you are here, looking over my shoulder and reading as I type. Invading my personal space. I miss that.

If you are reading then you must still be alive. I don't.. can't believe in ghosts. If you are then please don't do this anymore. Just stop it now. Come back. Tell me all the things that were left unsaid between us. I might punch you though, just to warn you. But I'd avoid you're teeth if that makes you feel any better.

Sarah had this look on her face this morning. Pity I guess, but I suppose it must be hard to know how to handle me right now. I think she want's me to go out with her again. Maybe she thinks that now you're gone she might have a chance. Maybe she's right. I like Sarah, I could see us together in ten years time, 2.4 children and a mortgage. Me in slippers, her looking after me and tutting gently about my leg. It was what I always dreamt of, the thing I thought I'd miss when I lay dying in the desert. But she would know deep down that there was a dark hole inside me. An empty dead place that she would never access. In the end it would rip everything apart. I'm not sure I could put her through that. Despite everything she's a good woman and I know that she would love me, but I know that part of me can never love anything again.. unless. No. Just stop.

The flat is the same. It smells of you. I had to come back. I couldn't settle anywhere but here at the moment. Mrs. Hudson was happy to see me. She said she knew I'd come that's why she hadn't leased the flat again. I know she started to clear it but I can see the halt in the proceedings.. can see her tears where they hit the table, the salt has stained the varnish. You did this to me, I would never have noticed that before. I wouldn't have had to think about it. You stupid fucking idiot. I will go and talk to her but not tonight. If she sees me crying she will start too.. and then we will be trapped in a circle of unending tears. No, I will go when my head is clearer. When I've had time to breathe in the last traces of you, collect the final pieces of you. I will sleep in you're room tonight. Pick the stray black curls from the pillows and hold them tight in my hand and hope to never let them go. I will place them in a bottle and keep them with my dog-tags and never look at them. But I will know that they are there.

I'm going to bed very soon. I will stain you're pillows with salt as you drift around me. I can't stop the dreams but I can stop the sleeplessness, the terrible insomnia. I just cut some tabs together. Diazepam and Flunitrazepam. If you were here I'm sure you would enjoy the combination. The Flunitrazepam is too strong on it's own hence me cutting it.

I'm in your room now. I got changed and have took my dope. It smells of you in here even more than out there. I can see you're table of elements and that traffic wardens coat you acquired from somewhere. Your white sheets are cool against my skin and I'm giggling about the time at Buckingham Palace. The drugs are working, they always make me like this. I suppose I should sign off now.

I miss you..

Sherlock.