Disclaimer: I don't own ER and intend no infringement on Sarah McLachlan
Note: A quick songfic inspired by Sarah McLachlan's "Fallen", Neela's POV after accident. One shot.
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
"Please be ok, let Ray be ok." It was a mantra that Neela kept repeating over and over in her head as she watched over Ray's sedated form. Since arriving at the hospital, she had only had a few scant hours with him, of that time, he had only been awake for a little bit more than one.
Her mind replayed events of the past. How did it come to this? Where had it gone so wrong? She knew where – when Gates had appeared on the scene and she had chosen him over Ray, fearless, adorable Ray.
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
To be involved with Gates was a way to escape and be reckless in ways she had never contemplated before. Neela's newfound abandon had helped to suppress her true feelings for Ray and allowed her to ignore his feelings towards her… And when at last she had come to her senses, Ray had borne the brunt of the consequences of her indecision.
Though I've tried, I've fallen…
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so
Laying a cool hand on his forehead, Neela wished and prayed for the power to turn back time. Gazing at the face which had been such a part of her life over the last few years, she recounted one of the biggest mistakes she had ever made.
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
She had been so overwhelmed by Michael's return and so happy to see him that she had simply gone along with the wedding plans. Never really considering the implications of such a marriage, Neela had put her trust on a wing and a prayer.
For a while, they had been happy but the quality that Neela loved so much in Michael was also the quality that forced them apart. His sense of duty. It had compelled him back to war, to his death and opened the floodgates to a surge of guilt.
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I've held so dear
Leaving the hospital after seeing Ray off to travel back to Baton Rouge with his mother, Neela's ears rang with Katey's words, "…your fault…you live with this." Staring out of the taxi window, Neela decided that the psych intern was right, it was her fault. For a moment, she took in the scene, a stream of people carrying placards and marching towards the park. She had forgotten about the peace rally.
It took but a few seconds for her to make up her mind. Paying the driver, the young doctor joined the flow of humanity and listened to the various speakers taking the podium until…
A shout… Stampeding feet… Numbness…
Neela was grateful for the wave of unconsciousness that was taking her over. It seemed to her to be a kind of justice, some type of karma for what had happened to Ray.
Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Did u like it? Let me know what u think x
Quick note about 'dance' to anyone I didn't manage to reply to, will be a couple of weeks before I update as am away this weekend. Cos of the angst, it takes longer for me to think up next chapter so takes longer to write than the fluff or the sonfgfics :)
