Monkeys Versus Magic
Chapter one: What the bloody hell?
Once upon a time, Harry Pothead decided to skip class to smoke some weed. He was going to smoke with Hermoine in the abandoned parking lot across the street from the zoo. He went over there and saw an emo looking girl wearing slutty clothes. What the bloody hell? Where is Hermoine? He asked himself.
"HEEIIII mai name is Eboby. I am so depressed and MCR as mai favorit band."
"I'm sorry do you have a speech impediment?"
"WUT DA HELL ARE U SAYINGG YOU FUCKING BASTARD?!"
She jumped up in the air and started floating (because she's a Mary Sue and can do anything), and took out a GUN and tried to shoot Harry. "I knew Draco was a better fuck buddy than YOU!"
"Expeliomos!" Harry took out his wand and then Eboby's gun flew out of her hand.
"You mother fucker! I'll nevar go to a GC concert with you agan!"
"Oh yeah, well if you ever see me again, I will shove my wand so far up your ass, you will be gagging and bringing up BILE! PURE FUCKING BILE YOU CRAZY DISGRACE TO J.K ROWLING! GAAAAAAHHHHH!111!1!1!"
Eboby *her actual name is Ebony, she can't even pronounce her own name* got so scared, she flew away crying like a whiny little emo bitch. And Harry was happy because Hermoine showed up shortly therafter.
"Where were you Hermoine?" He asked. "That stupid Ebony girl showed up again, and I've had enough of her. she makes all of Hogwarts look bad."
"I know right?" She replied. "She makes up lies and says that she slept with you and Malfloy, but she was actually coming on to the teachers, and then calling them pedofiles. She almost had Snape fired before she got suspended." Hermoine pulled out a joint. She held her wand up to the doobie and said "Four- ehtus, twenty - us." A small flame emerged from the tip of the wand and then she lit it up. After taking a puff, she handed it to Harry.
"She is a disgrace to the human race." Harry muttered under his breath. He stared at Hermoine, and instantly, the annoyance of Ebony's presence had vanished. He was around a wonderful person now.
So they both had a good smoke together and watched the clouds slowly drifting in the sky. They spent a while finding images in the clouds and lost track of time.
The bell from the Hogwarts school rang. They had skipped one class and there was still one more class to go. Harry didn't want to go back because he really liked Hermoine. He had no idea if they would get together or not, but he considered her a true friend. And not many other people in Hogwarts smoke pot. Most of them are interested in hallucinogens, such as LSD, mushrooms, and DMT, because it reminds them of the trippy shit that comes out of their wands when they use magic.
Anyways, Harry Pothead and Hermoine were extremely baked. "Harry..." She said, beginning to laugh. "I can't go back to class, I'm too stoned."
"Me too, hahahaha. Our next class is with Dumbledore, and he freaks the fuck out when he knows a student has been smoking."
Hermoine laughed louder and sat down on the concrete of the parking lot, leaning her back against the wall. "One time Dumbledore said something like..like heheheh,, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKERS? YOU'RE DOING THE SPELLS WRONG. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?!"
Harry laughed so hard he had to hack a loogie. "Ok, so we'll skip this class. If we get in trouble, I'll say that I went outside because I had to vomit, and you were my partner in my class and you left classes to find me. And it took a while because the vomit was projectile."
"Sounds like a good excuse to me." Hermoine said. "So what do you want to do? It's fun to do stuff when you're high."
"Let's go to the zoo." Harry suggested. "I haven't been there in a long time."
"Neither have I. Let's go."
So they walked to the zoo across the street, high as kites. They walked around for what seemed like hours but it was only a few minutes. And then they saw the monkey cage.
"Hey look, Harry. That monkey is jumping around. It looks either angry or excited...I can't quite tell."
Harry turned his view to the cage and saw the primate jumping around the whole zone. The other monkeys had climbed the trees surrounding the inside of the cage. They seemed afraid of that monkey.
They both inched closer to the cage to get a better look. The monkey was cornering the zoo keeper to the wall, and scratched his arm whenever he jumped in the air. He was beginning to get vicious.
"harry, we must do something! but...I can't recall the spell I was gonna do..."
"EXPELIOMOS!" Shouted Harry, pointing the wand. The monkey flew away from the zookeeper and hit the ground on the other side of the cage. People around the scene were freaking out and pissing themselves and going home over this.
Even after the blow, the monkey still got up and started attacking the zoo keeper, hardcore. Somehow the monkey had a GUN, perhaps he snuck out and stole it from one of the security guards. He held it to the zookeepers face and let out a high pitched screech.
"OK OK, I'll let you go!" He opened the cage and let the monkey free. He or she ran out from the zoo and was gone pretty quick. The manager came out and fired the guy on the spot. Harry and Hermoine were too stoned to believe any of this had happened.
"This is going to be on the news, so we need to get out of here now! Dumbledore will watch it in the morning and he will know we skipped! I know this because he said he watches the news before he watches Sex in the City."
"What the bloody hell? Why did Dumbledore share with you that information?"
"I have no idea but it doesn't matter, let's get out of here."
So they ran back to the school and opened the doors. And then standing there it was...SNAPE.
"Where were you two during Dumbledore's lesson?"
Harry and Hermoine hoped that their eyes didn't look red because Snape was already giving them a weird look. "Um.." Hermoine began. "Harry didn't feel well during class, and ran outside. I was worried about him so I left to try to find him. He was projectile vomiting, and I waited until he was done to take him to the nurse for some medicine."
"Oh really now..." His face was stern and he seemed unconvinced. "Are you sure you haven't been smoking that green stuff?"
"Snape you know I have seasonal allergies." She sniffled.
"That's what you said last time you two skipped class. But I have no proof to show that your story is a lie, so until I do, you're off the hook. If I find out, you guys will be locked in the school basement listening to Michael Jackson on repeat."
"FOR HOW LONG?" Harry looked scared.
"However long it takes for me to find out you lied. For example, if 5 days go by and I happen to find out you had lied, you will be stuck there for 5 days. I will force you to listen to my favorite music."
