A/N - Ok so this just kind of... struck me the other day when I heard Stop Draggin' My Heart Around by Stevie Nicks on my way to work. Expect OOCness and please don't kill me for the things I do to Shizuru in this. Again, no beta so be easy on me.

AJ - Thanks for being such a great inspiration.

Everyone who reviews - There's too many of you to say by name (wow, way to sound egotistical right?) but just know you all are the reason I'm here. Thank you for all your kind words.


All You Got

By: Azfixiation

The banging on my front door was much louder than it needed to be. The rapid noise of fist connecting with wood signaled the urgency in the knock, and I sighed to myself knowing exactly who it was. And why she was here. I don't need this tonight. I let the knocking continue; I was in the middle of getting dressed and it wasn't as if she didn't have a key. Why she felt the need to be so formal was beyond me.

I finished buttoning my jeans before sitting on the edge of the bed to pull my socks on. By the time I finished the banging had subsided, and I now had very angry green eyes staring down on me. "Don't do this anymore Shizuru," she said through gritted teeth. She was pissed, and I can't entirely say I blame her.

"Ara, is my Natsuki jealous?" I teased, leaning back on the bed to look up at her.

"Shizuru, please," she spoke again but this time her angry eyes turned soft, pleading. I couldn't take seeing the pain in her eyes, so I slipped on my shoes for distraction, looking everywhere but her as I stood up to make my way to the front door.

I'm sorry Natsuki. This is killing me too.

Her grip is tight on my arm as she stops me from leaving, pulling me back to her with a shattering fierceness. Before I can understand what is happening my back is against the wall and her fingers are in my hair as she presses her lips to mine. My eyes close involuntarily as I fight for control over my emotions. When Natsuki's tongue slides against mine I know I have lost the fight. No one should have this much control over someone else, but she knows exactly how to bend my will.

When she finally pulls away for air I search her eyes as they make contact with my own. I knew what I would see but for a split second I had allowed myself to hope it would be different this time. Instead her eyes held the same panic they always did. Not because she wasn't ok with what had happened but because she still couldn't understand why it only happened when she was scared of me doing something reckless or of losing me.

How scared do I have to make you before you realize this is love?

I can feel the tears pushing at my eyes, begging for release as her head falls onto my shoulder. "Please Shizuru, I can't stand watching you do this to yourself," she pleads.

How many times can I allow her to break me? Turning my sadness to anger I quickly push her away, once again resolved in my decision. If she was jealous it wasn't my problem. She has never claimed me as her own, though I have done everything short of groveling to get her to.

"I told you Natsuki, all or nothing. There is no in between for us any more. Now if you'll excuse me. I have friends to meet." My voice is colder than I expected, but the added touch of venom sends her reeling and I am thankful of it. I need to escape before she can recover, or before I break down.

I grab my keys off the table by the door and tug on my jacket before making my hasty exit. As soon as I'm out of her sight the tears fall and I quickly climb into my car. How can she not understand that her 'help' only shatters me more. What's the big deal anyways? I'm only going drinking. It's not as if I'm shooting heroin on a nightly basis.

It's not as if my life is falling apart in my attempt to forget her.

It was a lie. My life had long ago fallen apart. But it was no ones fault but my own. I should have known better than to ever give up so much control to someone else. Never again would I. Not even to Natsuki, if I could help it.

I turn the music in my VR-4 louder, trying to forget the feeling of her lips bruising against mine. I slip into sixth gear once I hit the highway, having finally come to understand the joyous freedom of driving Natsuki had always felt. I feel a faint vibration in my pocket and pull out my phone to check the text message I just received.

"Love you. Call me if you get too drunk," it reads.

"I love you too, jerk," I said bitterly. No, I am definitely not the patient forgiving Shizuru I was in high school. Seven years of this… teasing will do that to someone. How can someone claim to love you when they can't even commit to you? Natsuki's thought process never made sense to me, and eventually I had to make the choice to follow her blindly into more pain or try, in my fucked up attempts, to move on.

I shook myself from my thoughts as I pulled up to a now very familiar two story club. I paid my fee to get in, and headed straight upstairs to the quieter bar. I saw several familiar faces, and for a brief moment I wondered how pathetic my life had become that I should be so comfortable in a place like this.

"Hey Fujino!" a voice called out, and I craned my neck around to find the source. After a moment of letting my eyes adjust to the dim lighting I spot my friends and join them at the bar. They continue their conversation, bitching about their work days and I listen in mild interest. They've long ago given up trying to get anything personal from me and I'm thankful for their quiet acceptance.

The drinks come faster and the liquor becomes harder as the night progresses. Unfamiliar hands touch me on the arm, the shoulder, sometimes a thigh. Conversation gives way to dancing as words become to painful in everyone's inebriated state. I don't pay attention to who I dance with, it doesn't matter. At some point I'm conscious of lips attaching themselves to my neck, arms pulling me back against and unknown body.

Why does it always feel like I'm the one who's cheating on her, when she's the one who rejects me?

I banish the thought as I feel teeth grazing my skin. I'm here to forget, not to dwell. I turn around in the arms that are holding me captive to see who is being so bold with me and notice it's Chisame, one of the girls in my newfound group of friends. She grins at me through heavy lidded drunk eyes, obviously proud at her boldness. Yes, alcohol makes fools of us all, and I am no exception. I reach up behind her neck and pull her head down to mine, our lips sliding together as her hips move with mine to the music.

There is no electricity. No spark. No butterflies. But it doesn't matter. At least it is something I can feel and at this point it is all that matters. My fingers slide into her auburn locks as I try to push the guilt from my mind. She takes this as encouragement, and deepens the kiss, sliding her tongue past my lips as her hands move to my hips and pull me closer.

As my eyes close I see Natsuki's face, her desperation as she tried in her own ways to convince me to stop doing this to myself. "I need another drink," I say loud enough for her to hear over the music. I'm not sure there's enough alcohol in the country to make me forget her, but I never was one to quit without a fight.

Chisame follows me to one of the lower bars, making the kind gesture of buying the drink for me and I didn't protest. It was a silent acquiescence that I would not stop her advances for the night. She has a solemn look as she hands me the drink, and it's no secret that this group as been making bets on who would be the first to get me to give in. It is the first time I have allowed such a gesture and before I could get queasy over the thought of who I was becoming, I tipped the glass to my lips and swallowed down as much of the liquor as I could stomach.

"Better?" she asks, a slight hesitation in her voice. I can see in her dark eyes that she took it as insult, and was probably feeling the blow of my needing to further lose control of myself to go through with this.

I nod, unable to lie but not wanting to divulge the truth. I close the space between our bodies once again and place my lips close to her ear, blowing gently into it as I tell her I want to leave. I feel her shudder at the contact, accepting that it is not her because of her I needed the extra alcohol. She takes my hand into her own and leads me from the club into the chilly night.

"My place is just down the street. We can walk if you don't mind leaving your car here overnight," she says unnecessarily. I don't care where we're going, or how we're getting there.

She doesn't speak again for the rest of the night. When we reach her apartment I waste no time in pressing my lips to hers before I have the chance to analyze what I am doing. Her hands are kind as they explore my body in awe. Somehow clothes are shed as we make our way to the bed. I keep her mouth on mine as her hands find their way between my legs, and she is kind enough to pretend she doesn't notice my tears as she enters me.

There is no romance here, no tenderness. Just a kind friend helping another forget. We move together for hours, as if it is her personal mission to cause me to pass out. Maybe it is. She is perceptive and perhaps knows that is the best kindness she can offer me.

"Rest now, Shizuru," she whispers as she looks into my heavy lidded eyes. I know the exhaustion is obvious and I do not protest.

I faintly hear my phone vibrating on the floor and stiffen in her embrace. Again she picks up on this and gently moves from the bed, grabbing a t-shirt to pull over her head. "I'll be on the couch if you need anything."

I almost ask her to stay, but I know it wouldn't be right. She is too kind for someone like me. I ruin lives, not make them better. Yet in all of my self hatred I can't stop myself from finding my phone after Chisame leaves the room. Another text.

"Shizuru, are you ok?"

"Am fine. Sleeping at friends."

"Shizuru…" comes the reply text.

"I know."

I turn the phone off, unable to finish the conversation. The last thing I need right now is for her to tell me I need to stop drinking so much. She gives a whole new meaning to 'kill 'em with kindness'. I settle into the unfamiliar bed and pull the blankets close as the tears begin to fall once more. I hear the bedroom door click shut to allow me privacy, and again I feel guilty at Chisame's kindness. I guess I've finally buckled with the weight of the world I think sadly, moments before falling into a drunken sleep.