Author's note: I do not own Naruto or its characters. This is for the 30 Kisses challenge using list beta. Theme 10: Scythe. This will most likely be the only piece with a lot of angst in it in the collection.
Almost Lover
It was dark out, but no one was going to comment on her being here. Especially if they knew what was good for them. Tonight Tsunade had plans that she intended to let no one interrupt. Konoha needed her to be Hokage, and to do that, Tsunade needed to do this. It hurt like hell, but she couldn't afford to spend her time mourning Jiraiya when her people needed her to be a leader. Her steps slowed as she approached the memorial. It took every bit of strength she had to keep walking. She wanted to deny it. She wanted things to go back to the way they were. She didn't know if she could live in a world without Jiraiya, and she didn't really want to find out if she could or not.
Tsunade sat down across from the memorial. She poured herself a cup of sake and raised it to the stone. She had brought the best bottle of sake she could find with her. It would have been better shared in celebration of Jiraiya's return, but it wasn't like she had a choice in the matter now. Downing the first cup, she sighed.
"Well, Old Toad, I'm the only one left now. Well, the only one of us three." Tsunade hesitated then decided to skip the mundane pleasantries. "I love you. I think you knew that, but I'm going to say it anyway. I love you, and it has terrified me ever since I realized it. But I bet you figured that out too. You were also better at reading me than I liked."
She poured herself another cup of sake. "I was scared. Everyone I've loved left me, and I thought by denying what I felt I could protect you and protect myself from getting hurt again. You saw what losing Nawaki and Dan did to me. Hell, you were the one to comfort me and help me hold together afterwards. You had to know what losing you would do to me. And the fact that I was the one to send you to your death."
Her voice trailed off. This was part of why she hadn't wanted to be Hokage. She'd been afraid that one day she'd send him to his doom. And now she had. Tsunade wasn't sure she could live with that. Except she had to. Konoha didn't have anyone ready to take over as Hokage just yet. This hurt even more than losing Dan. More than losing Nawaki. Jiraiya had been everything. Her friend, her teammate, her first kiss, her colleague, her confidant, her cheerleader, her hero, her supporter, her comfort.
"I'd give almost anything to go back and change things," she whispered. "There is so much I could have changed. We could have been married. Could have had a family. I wasted so many of our years. I'm sorry about that. You deserved better. We both deserved better."
Tsunade reached out and gently traced Jiraiya's name on the memorial. It was still rough, not yet worn smooth by time. Her name would join it soon enough. It wouldn't be much longer. Once she had made sure the Atsukai were taken care of and that Konoha had a replacement for her, she could go. A suicide mission would cross her desk sooner or later, and instead of assigning it to someone else, Tsunade would take it herself. And she wouldn't come back. Death's scythe would reunite her with her best friend.
Tears were streaming down her face now, and she didn't even try and stop them. There was no point. There was no one here she needed to be strong for. She wasn't the Hokage or even one of the sannin. She was just Tsunade. That had always been enough for Jiraiya, and it wasn't fitting to mourn him as someone else.
"You would be so proud of Naruto, Jiraiya. I know you already were, but he's going to keep making you proud. Even if he is a little dense when it comes to Hinata." Tsunade giggled a little hysterically at that. "She may just have to knock him over the head and drag him off. But they'll be happy. I'll make sure they have a future."
She couldn't find the words after that. Tsunade just cried until the world faded away. She would wake with the next morning with the dawn and make her way back to her office. There was work to do.
