They all assumed it was revenge. Getting even. If only they knew how fucked up those words were- if only they knew how well "getting even" described it.

They all assumed it was because I wanted to hit her back. That was our game; one for one, tit for tat. Except it never ended there. There was always another fuck up. Trying to one up the other because both of us were terrified of being on equal footing. Then we'd both see each other vulnerable and the game would be over. We'd have to look in to each other at eye level. No bullshit.

That was our game- bullshit.

I didn't want revenge. I didn't want justice. I didn't want to knock her down so I could be on top again.

No.

I was done playing bullshit.

She was in trouble, in real fucking danger.

For once, my pride shut the fuck up and let my heart take the lead.

I wouldn't lose her- not again. Not for safety. Not for dorky, jackass Larry and my supposed best friend Polly. Not for some fucking score sheet. Not for some fucking scale.

Not even for her freedom.

I don't know if she'll forgive me, but I didn't care when I did it.

I saved her life.

I'm not being a proud nun. I'm not proud of what I finally did.

I'm vulnerable.

She finally got so far under my skin, so far that I gave up my game, our game, and she doesn't even fucking know.

After everything we've been through, I thought she'd know.

Her letter still crinkles in my pocket even though it's not there anymore, it's not safe enough there anymore.

Her words, I know like the back of my hand, still leave their mark on my finally bare heart.

If only she'd look at me. She'd see.

I was done playing.

I was done playing our stupid game, I was done being afraid of finally looking her in the eyes without some other shit surrounding us, without some inequality, unequal footing, making it okay to leave her. Making it okay to walk away and not look back for years.

I was done.

If only she'd look back at me, she'd see that her honesty didn't go to waste. She'd see that I sold her out to save her. Because my heart was leading, not my twisted fucked up fears, not our twisted fucked up game.

I was hers.

Finally.

Only hers, all hers.

If she'd just look at me, she'd see that.

Dear Pipes,

I sold you out. I know I've always told you, even in prison, that I would never know about my future. I'd just play it by ear and I wouldn't settle down, not ever. Not even for you. That was all bullshit. As long as I have you, I know exactly where I'll be. Right by your side. I'm sorry that I made you choose between safety and me, now, then, always. I'm fucked up and I don't know how to love. You're the only woman I know almost as fucked up as me when it comes to loving. I'm sorry I sold you out, but I did it so that we could be together sooner. I choose you. I love you. Let's cut the bullshit.

Marry me when you get out.

Alex