Dean had known he'd made the worst decision of his life the moment he'd first held his baby girl. She'd been wrapped in an old sweatshirt of his, face streaked with red and gunk. Her face had been screwed up and she'd been screaming her head off. He'd looked down at that tiny face and knew, without a doubt, that he'd been had.

He hadn't let himself believe it before. Sam had been back. He'd been alive. And then the gate to hell had opened and there'd been demons everywhere and then…

Dad. Dad had escaped hell. He'd attacked Azazel and given Dean a clean shot at the son of a bitch that had ruined their lives.

Azazel was dead. Dad was out of hell. And he'd looked at him with such pride in his eyes. Such love. In that moment, basking in the warm glow of his father's pride, Dean had thought maybe he'd done the right thing. He had a year. He'd get Rachel and the baby settled somewhere into a life she could love. He'd get a year to watch her and watch the baby, and, when it was over, Dean would just fade away. He wouldn't even tell her what he'd done. It could happen on a hunt or something. Sam would be able to tell her something. To tell her it was fast.

He'd tell her it was over.

And then, Rachel had handed him his daughter.

One year with her wouldn't be enough. Ten years wouldn't have been either. Dean wanted his life time with this girl. His girl, and he'd given it away.

God, he was stupid. And he didn't know what to do.


"Dean, what's wrong?"

Dean looked up from Ashley, who was cradled in his arms, sleeping. His shoulders were hunched like he was in pain, and there were unshed tears in his eyes. A few fell when he looked up at her.

Rachel crossed the room to him, pulling her tangled, wet hair out of her face. A tight knot of fear clenched in her chest. Something had happened. She'd left the baby for ten minutes to take a shower and something had happened to her..

But she looked fine when Rachel looked down at her. Instead of the lifeless blue face or blazing yellow eyes that haunted Rachel's dreams, there was just a peaceful, sleeping baby. Perfectly healthy.

"Dean?"

He sniffed. "I fucked up, Rachel."

"What do you mean?" She sank on the bed across from the chair Dean was sitting in. She clenched her fingers in her lap, vaguely aware that she should be reaching for Ashley. She'd been away from her baby for a while now, and a good mother would be reaching for her. Holding her close and cuddling her, feeling warm, happy feelings that babies were supposed to ignite inside a mother.

But she looked fine, and Dean had her, and Rachel needed time away. She needed to know what was wrong with her husband.

"Dean, what happened?"

He let out a long, exhausted breath. "I lied about Sam. I mean, he knows. And Bobby knows. But I lied to you. I've been lying to you about what happened to him before we came to rescue you. And about what I did."

A chill went through her. She'd known the brothers were keeping something from her. Ever since the haze of exhaustion had faded after Ashley's birth, she'd known there was something. She'd just been pretending it wasn't important, wasn't something she had to know. Let Dean have his secrets. Their family was fine. Azazel was dead. It was over.

She was such a fool.

"What did you do?" she asked, voice low and hoarse.

He mumbled something almost too low and too fast for her to hear. But she caught the last word.

Soul.

She bit her lip to keep from shouting. You couldn't shout next to a sleeping baby. She had to stay calm.

"Dean. Did you sell your soul?"

He closed his eyes. Nodded once.

"Why?"

"I didn't know what else to do. Sam was dead. You were gone. And our house is next to a crossroad."

Again, she had to fight to keep from shouting. "You made a deal in front of our house?"

He glared at her. "That's not…"

"Everything is the point! Jesus fuck, Dean. Not only did you sell your soul but I've got a demon with access to my house. I need to deal with that if I'm going to take the baby there! When were you going to tell me? We're driving back in two days!" She raked her hands through her hair, head beginning to ache. "I can't believe you. You and your father, just so eager to line up and sacrifice your souls. Why do you think that selling your soul is a solution?"

"I was crazy, all right?" His voice is low, but furious. "Sam was dead. I watched him die because I was seconds too slow. That's how close I was. If I had moved just a few seconds faster, he would have been fine. But he died and I was supposed to protect him! I promised to protect him and I'd failed."

"Protect him, yes, but not at the expense of your soul."

"Even then!"

Ashley jerked in his arms. Her face crumpled and she let out a whimper.

Dean immediately pulled her closed and whispered soothing noises against her ear.

The baby calmed, going ragdoll limp once more.

"Put her down and come into the other room," Rachel said. Even as she rose and stalked out into the front room of their suite, she could see Dean tenderly laying Ashely in the bassinet and kiss her on the head.

Tender. Gentle. Loving. Always doing the little loving gestures that Rachel had to force herself to remember.

Dean came into the front room. "You can call Sam about clearing the demon out. He said he and Nathan will get there tomorrow."

"No." She turned to face him. "No, I want to be the one to do it. I want to have a talk with the asshole that got to you." She rubbed her forehead. "You have ten years, right? This isn't like John where he made a deal and five seconds later was gone?"

The look on her face told her everything.

"Dean."

"I was desperate, Rachel. Out of my mind. I didn't think I could get you and Ashley back. Not on my own. And then, Sam was barely cold and I get a call from the police saying I need to come in. That there was an explosion and you were dead and Nathan was gone and…"

"Why would Azazel kill me after going through all that trouble of getting me pregnant?"

"I wasn't thinking! And even if you weren't dead, you were gone. I wasn't able to find you the first time, and I knew this time I needed Sam. So I let her talk me into it." He threw his hands up "And I thought what she said made sense. I'd have a year with Ashley. I'd have memories of her, but she wouldn't have me. I'd just be a story. She wouldn't know to miss me."

"Because that worked with Sam and his mom." Then, " A year?" She fell onto the couch and bent over, not able to breathe. This was what a broken heart felt like. A hot, tearing pain that never ended, that stole your breathe, that pushed through your throat.

"I thought…" he started, but she cut him off.

"No, you didn't think." Head about to explode from the blood rush, she sat back up. "You felt, and I get that, I get desperate, but Dean…" She rose and went to him. Cupped his face. "You are worth so much more than a year." She kissed him and wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "I am going to kill the demon who made you think you weren't worth more. If I could go back and kill Azazel for you, I would. I…" She broke off and shook her head. Kissed him again, lingering.

"I'm sorry," Dean whispered when they broke apart. He rested his forehead against hers.

"I know." She sniffed. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I had this plan. I thought… I'd go out on a hunt. Have Sam tell you I was killed. I didn't want to hurt you any more than you'd been hurt."

"Stupid man," she said fondly. "What made you change your mind?"

He smiled, arms tightening around her. "Ashley. I didn't expect to love her so much."

"Seriously? You didn't think you were going to love her as much as you do. You."

He smiled. "I wanted her. I always did. But it's different now. Holding her and seeing her. Knowing that she's real and she's mine. It hurts to think about leaving her. Like I can't breathe. To think about not being there when she grows up." He shrugged, a helpless look on his face. "I thought fatherhood was supposed to make you less selfish, but I can't… I can't give her up."

Rachel nods as if she understood. And she did, sort of. As much as she struggled to connect with Ashley, to really feel as if she loved her, the thought of something happened to Ashley terrified her. It kept her up at nights sitting over the bassinet, counting her breaths. She rarely let Ashley out of eye sight, and even now, she could feel a kind of panicked feeling in the back of her throat with Ashley in the other room.

She was safe. Rachel knew that. No demon could touch her, thanks to the trickster and his mark on Ashely's arm. And it was highly unlikely that something else would happen to her. Bad things happened to babies, but she couldn't live her life living in fear.

"You won't have to give her up. We'll find a way."

"The demon said if I try to get out of the deal, she'd take me early."

"Of course she did. But demons revel in suffering. In anticipation. They'd rather see you try and fail than grab you early. And if we succeed, it can't take you anyway." The reality of what she was saying hit her and she grabbed him, holding him tightly. "You can't go. I need you."

He ran his hand up her back. Kissed her temple. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head. "Don't apologize. You were manipulated like hell. And they knew exactly what they had to do to get you there."

"Getting the call about your parents so close after Sam…"

"Well," she said, sob in her voice. "At least now I know why they had to die."

His arms tightened. "Rach, I'm so sorry."

She pulled away and wiped her eyes. "No. Dean, it's not your fault, okay?" More tears escaped. She went to the couch and sat down. "I was… I didn't mean it. I don't want you to feel guilty about the dying. It wasn't your fault." She shook her head. "This whole thing was a clusterfuck, but not one of your making."

"Yeah, but sometimes I still think that I never should have…"

"What? Met me? Because that's the only way I can think that all of this could have been avoided. You met me, you cared for me, I was bait."

"There are plenty of women I've met and cared about. Not one thing has ever gone after Cassie." He sat next to her and began running his fingers through her hair, breaking up tangles.

"I should call her," Rachel said. "The last week of dealing with my parents stuff has reminded me the importance of networking." She frowned. "Of course, keeping contact might possibly put her in the path of danger. In the future." With a groan she leaned back. "I did sort of hope it would be over now. Azazel is dead, the baby is born. I'd hoped we could get on with our lives."

"I know." Dean leaned back next to her. He took her hand, lacing their fingers together. "I did, too."