1

It was horrible to see her lay there, not being able to breathe on her own or do anything else for that matter. She looked so peaceful, so incredibly beautiful.

They say I have to go home, I have to take a shower and take care of myself as well. But I can't. I can't leave her here alone. Better yet I won't leave her here alone.

The day we got back together after the shootings I promised her, and myself, that I would never leave her again. And if I go now, it would feel like leaving her, again. I can't do this to her, not now not after everything that's happened. It's my fault that she's lying there in that ICU bed, it should've been me instead. Not her, not the love of my life, it's all my fault. If we had taken a cab in the first place….

We would've been home right now, laughing, making love or we'd be watching a movie for all I care about. Those days seemed very far away now. God I would give anything to turn back the time, anything!

The door opens behind me, I don't even bother to look up. I don't care who's going to tell me to go home. I ignore the person, just as I've been doing for the last couple of weeks. Weeks?! My heart skips a beat when I realize how long it's been, five weeks, three days and eleven hours. That's how long it's been since I looked in to those beautiful eyes, that's how long it's been since we shared a kiss.

''Go home'' Miranda Bailey says to me while flipping through her chart.

''I'll stay with her until you come back, just go home and take a shower at the very least. I'll page you if anything changes'' she says in her usual tone.

I ignore her, we've been doing this for the past five weeks and I'm not planning on changing this routine while she's still in here, hooked up on I don't even know how many monitors.

''Now you listen to me'' she starts in her stern voice, but I interrupt her because it's not going to work on me.

''No you listen to me Doctor Bailey, I'm not leaving her side, you and everybody else here has to accept that. Now if you don't mind I'd like to be alone with her again.''

''Doctor..'' I turn my head to show her I'm really not interested in what she has to say. She squeezes my shoulder before leaving the room.

This is how it went almost every day, one of our friends would come in and I ignored them until they left. They cared, I know they did, but I seriously couldn't care less about what they felt at the moment. I couldn't handle my own pain let alone theirs.

After a while, I honestly don't know how long because a minute seemed to last an eternity in here, the door opened again. It's Addison, I can hear her high heels clicking on the floor.

''Has anything changed?'' but I'm the one asking her.

''I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it might work. She's young, her eggs are still fertile, but I'm not sure if she'll ever be able to carry her own child.''

I nod to let her know I understand what she's saying. She told me this 3 weeks ago, and a couple more times after that. After the 'accident'', Addison did 2 surgeries on her. Her uterus is still intact but she got stabbed in her abdomen so many times they just can't say if it all helped enough.

She kneels before me, ''don't try to get me out of here Doctor Montgomery, it won't work'' I say to her, while never taking my eyes off of my lovers face.

''Look at me'' but I don't, she stands up and leaves the room and just before the door closes behind her I hear her say something ''She doesn't want to listen'' ''so you didn't tell her she's flying in?'' I hear Christina ask her, and then the doors close and all sound is blocked out. I really don't care who they mean by 'she' it could be the freaking queen of England for all I cared, I wasn't going to leave her side.

I didn't get much sleep last night, not that I ever do though. People are right when they say that the nights are the worst, it's silent everywhere and all you hear are the beeping machines surrounding the bed. I dreamed, I dreamed that she wasn't intubated anymore. She was waking up very slowly and just as she opened her eyes I woke up. That's just plane cruel if you ask me, because I'd give anything to look in to her beautiful eyes again.

I couldn't sleep anymore so I start telling her one of our days together, I started doing this in the second week and I started at the beginning, at Joe's. It was painful to recover all these memories but it was the only thing keeping me sane. So now I tell her the story of us moving in together. I tell her what a total chaos it was cause Christina hadn't moved out yet and she and Owen were spending a lot of time in the apartment as well. I was in the middle of a funny quote when I hear the door open again. I stopped talking and closed my eyes, praying that whoever just came in would take the hint and leave.

''You can't stay in here forever you know'' an all but too familiar voice sounded in the room.

I look up in shock to face the person, is this real? I ask myself, or am I imagining this again? I know I dreamed of her coming over so many times, she's my person, my Yang to Grey sort of thing. But she left! She left a couple of months ago and I hadn't heard from her since. I turn my attention back on the shim of the woman I love, lying in a hospital bed with God knows how many tubes attached to her beautiful body.

''I need you to go home and take a shower'' she says in a friendly voice.

''Doctor..'' but she quickly interrupts me,

''Don't you 'doctor' me! Don't you even dare going there with me!'' she raises her voice. ''I heard you pulled this 'no first names thing' on everyone, even Mark for crying out loud! But don't you dare use that on me! I'm your person! You don't get to treat me like that.'' She walks to the other side of the bed to make sure I can see her.

''I know it took me way too long to get her'' she starts out in a friendlier tone. ''But I'm here know, and you have to listen to me. You're going to go home and take a shower, Mark will stay with her and I'll go with you. He'll page us if the situation changes.'' I want to argue with her but she's too quick, again.

''This wasn't a question sweetie'' she says a bit more firm then before.

''It's my fault'' I whisper quietly.

''It's my fault she's laying here… It should've been me in that bed not her'' I tell her while there're tears are silently running down my face.

''I'm going to take you home and take care of you, we can talk about this later Arizona'' she says before pulling me into a hug.