Ok, just a few points: My Shepard is female, she's a vanguard and she a renegade. Secondly, I'm aware that there are several Liara/Shepard stories being written at the moment, any similarties are unintentional, I have tried to keep it as original as possible... Thirdly, this isn't strictly cannon, I have taken some liberties with the dialogue and with the characters. I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 1
There she was, humanity's first Spectre. The brightest of the brightest. The best of the best. The bravest of the brave…at least that's what the news feeds said. But like all things, the reality was very different, and Commander Sulien Shepard was not one to believe her own hype. She was who she was; she did what she did and they could take or leave it.
That didn't make it any easier walking through the Citadel, though. People would stop and stare. Some would point and whisper to each other. It was almost a relief when somebody approached her and asked her for an autograph or to pose for a photo. At least they were acknowledging that she was a person rather than an object to be ogled and gossiped about. Frankly, it was getting tiresome. How the hell was she meant to do her job like this?
Reaching the Normandy, she saluted Pressley as she walked down the command deck, heading towards the doors, which would lead her out onto the main deck and to her quarters. Her quarters, where she really wanted to be right now, alone and free from the constant whispers and the staring. And the Council, they were even worse. Sending her all over the galaxy — Shepard go here, Shepard do that. All of which she did, dutifully and without complaint. She resolved every mission they sent her on to the best of her ability given the time constraints. And now here she was, after all her hard work, grounded. Locked out of her own ship.
The galaxy was ending around her and she was stuck here by a shortsighted bunch of bureaucrats. It was enough to make her scream.
Instead, she eased herself into a chair in front of her console and rubbed the bridge of her nose. How the hell was she supposed to get out of this? The Council had locked her out. The ambassador was using the situation as an opportunity to ingratiate himself with the Council and had closed all official communication channels. Standing up, she pushed herself out of the chair and headed towards the door. Maybe a walk would help her think.
Leaving her quarters, she looked at Lt. Alenko's station and shook her head sadly. Poor Kaidan. She missed him. His easy smile, his unassuming friendship. He never asked for anything of her and in the end had given his life for the mission…her mission. She shook her head to prevent the tears that were threatening to fall.
Not now, Sulien. "Not ever," she said to herself in a quiet voice.
Two marines saluted her as she entered the elevator leading to the second deck. She nodded in acknowledgment, not trusting herself to speak.
Once the elevator stopped and she had stepped out, she made her way to Gunnery Chief Williams' station, but Williams was not there. Surveying it, Shepard noted that the Chief ran a tight ship, as there was a place for everything and everything was in its place. Nodding in approval, the Commander picked up her assault rifle, which she had asked the Chief to upgrade. Turning it over in her hands, she felt the weight; she checked the sight and nodded once more before placing the gun back in rotation. The Chief would be none too pleased if the Commander messed up her station.
Sighing, Shepard walked towards her locker. Maybe she'd grab her book. She knew that she had one in there someplace. She always thought best if her mind was distracted with something else other than the matter at hand. Strange as that sounded, she worked better if she approached the problem sideways rather than head on. Anyway, she always preferred the paper versions to the more modern data pads, which were so common these days.
There was just something about the smell of paper — it made her feel safe. When she had been a child back on Mindor, her father used to have books in his office at the top of the stairs. When she was very little and in trouble, she would hide under the bookcase.
Shepard attempted to open her locker, she keyed the biometric scanner, no result, and she tried again, no result. Shepard sighed in frustration. She couldn't even open her own locker on her own damn ship because of the bloody Council. Slamming her fist into the locker, she slunk down onto the deck. She felt like screaming, raging and punching the bulkhead until her fists were bloody. She smiled a little at that, imaging how the crew would react — their unflappable leader screaming herself hoarse and beating her fists bloody. Not too well, she thought.
Oh, how little they knew her. She wasn't cool or unflappable or even levelheaded. That was all a façade that she had built up over the years. It was easy, really. Just be cool towards people, professional but not friendly, and don't encourage others. Keep them at a distance and the rest would take care of itself. She had it down to a fine art. Her crew respected her, admired her. They knew that she would do anything in her power to keep them safe and to ensure the success of their (her) mission. But did they like her? Sulien sincerely doubted them.
All but one.
Despite her best efforts, one had managed to get past her defences. She had reached her core and had found the real Sulien Shepard. She hadn't meant for it to happen, it just did. She remembered the conversations that they had. Innocent at first — a commanding officer looking out for one of her crew who'd had a rough day. But things had progressed…and some of their conversations hadn't gone so well. Shaking her head, Sulien's mind wander over her memories.
Commander Shepard had assigned Liara to a room off the med bay. After the mission de-briefing was over, Sulien decided to check in on the young woman. She made her way down to the main deck and into the med bay, pausing once to talk to the doctor.
"How is she, Doc?" Shepard inquired.
"Oh, she'll be fine in a few days," Dr. Chakwas replied. "Nothing a little rest won't fix." She looked up and frowned at Shepard.
"More to the point, how are you, Commander? I seem to remember telling you to take it easy."
"Fine, fine, Doc," Shepard replied hurriedly, not wishing to be under the doctor's scrutiny.
"Hm, I hardly think running out of a collapsing building constitutes taking it easy." She waved her hand in front of the Commander before she could reply. "Yes, yes, I know, we do what we must."
Shepard nodded at the doctor and began to move away towards the door at the back of the med bay. The Doctor watched her go.
That poor woman, she thought privately to herself. She has everything and yet she has nothing.
Doctor Chakwas couldn't imagine what it must be like to be Sulien Shepard. The woman exuded strength and confidence, yet if one took the time to really look at her one could see the pain underneath. Everyone wants to be her, if only they took the time to get to really get to know her rather than see what they want to, they would thank their god for the life they have.
"Commander…"
Shepard stopped mid-stride and looked back at the doctor, a slightly confused look on her face.
"Just be careful."
"Of course," was all she said before turning away once more.
Dr. Chakwas watched the Commander leave. "Tough soldiers with piercing eyes and sensitive souls indeed."
The door opened quietly in front of the Commander and she walked through. Dr. T'Soni was sitting at the console, looking at some Prothean information. She spun around in her chair when she heard the door open; she stood up when she saw that it was the Commander.
The asari was significantly shorter than the Commander and their height difference made her feel intimidated. Liara watched as Shepard came across the room, noting the grace with which she held herself and the air of confidence she exuded. Shepard stopped in front of Liara, and Liara watched as Shepard, clasped her hands loosely behind her back.
She appeared to be relaxed. Liara had already heard whispers about how the crew disliked aliens. They didn't trust Liara because of her mother. The XO of the ship had all but spat when Shepard brought her aboard. Liara suspected that it was the look in his commanding officer's eyes that prevented him from being anything but cordial to her.
"Checking up on me, Commander?" Liara asked crossly. Why couldn't they trust her? She was not her mother. She hadn't seen her mother in years.
Taken aback by the vehemence in Liara's voice, Shepard schooled her expression in response. "No," she said, "I just came by to see if you were all right."
Liara was surprised by this. Not only had this woman saved her twice in the past twelve hours, but also she was concerned for her.
"I am fine, Commander. Dr. Chakwas has given me a clean bill of health."
"That is good. I am glad that you are well."
Sulien was looking at the asari, noting her clear brown eyes and the light blue hue of her skin. It was one of the first things she had noticed about the asari back on Therum — that and her smile. She noticed that Liara was looking around the room nervously. She looks distracted and ill at ease, the Commander thought. Do I make her uncomfortable? Shepard sighed mentally. Another perk of being a galactic hero — unnerving people.
Liara was indeed somewhat uncomfortable under such scrutiny. "Is there something that I can help you with, Commander?" she enquired in order to divert her attention.
Caught staring, the Commander nodded her head. "Yes, actually, there is." She opened a pocket in her blue combat trousers and pulled out a small disc. "I'm afraid that it got a little damaged," she said, holding out the object to the asari, "but you may be able to get some information off it."
The doctor took the disc reverently. "A Prothean disc…" She looked at the Commander. "These are very rare. Only a handful have ever been found and very few work."
The Commander watched as the doctor turned to her console. "I shall get to work on this immediately and let you know what I uncover," she said as she inserted the disc into the console, already absorbed in her work.
"See that you do," Shepard replied, although she doubted that the doctor heard. The Commander stood for a moment, watching the young woman at work. She noted the way Liara drummed her fingers on the desk and the way she rubbed the bridge of her nose, then silently took her leave.
Her conversations with Liara continued, and Sulien found herself looking forward to the end of her shift when she could go and spend a while talking with the doctor. They didn't talk about big important issues — just the little things. Liara spoke about her mother, telling her what it was like to grow up as an asari pureblood. Sulien had been secretly horrified at such prejudice, but she had said little, not wanting to upset their fledging relationship. Liara also spoke to her about her research and explained in detail her obsession with the Protheans. Sulien had little interest in history beyond that of the military, but she listened anyway. This delighted Liara, who was thrilled to have someone to share her findings with.
Shepard felt that the young doctor was somebody that she could relate to. Although their interests were vastly different, they seemed to share a common ground: the Protheans. They fascinated Liara and Shepard was the only living being to have used one of their beacons. Liara asked her many questions about her dreams and what it was like to be "touched by the Protheans," as she called it. Shepard did her best to answer the other woman's questions, not wanting to disappoint the doctor.
Later she wondered to herself why she cared so much if she disappointed her or not. She had disappointed people before and not given a damn. It's because you're falling for her, a treacherous part of her brain said. Alarmed, Shepard pushed that thought quickly from her mind. Not so. We have no time for this. We have to stop Saren, and Dr. T'Soni is a Prothean expert. She is attempting to help me make sense of the dreams — that is all, that is all.
Conversations about the Protheans had led to conversations about her childhood and her mother, whom Shepard had ended up killing. That was one conversation, which Shepard would never forget. It had possibly been one of the hardest days of her life — to kill somebody's mother in front of them. She would never forget the look of despair in Benezia's eyes as she died, or the anguish she saw in Liara's as she knelt to close her mother to whisper a prayer of passing in her ear. Feelings that had been long locked away came rushing from their cages. She saw the asari looking at her, tears in her eyes as she held her mother, and Sulien felt her resolve falter as her own demons threatened to overwhelm her.
Later, aboard the Normandy, Shepard had gone to Liara and stood by the door, watching the young woman.
"Dr. T'Soni," she said quietly by way of greeting.
Upon hearing her name, Liara turned. "Commander Shepard," she replied equally as formally. "What brings you here?"
She stood up from her desk and leaned against it, watching the Spectre from across the room.
"I have come to apologise to you."
"For what?" Came the angry question.
Shepard was at loss for words, so she did her usual thing and just said it. "For killing your mother."
The asari closed her eyes briefly. "Yes, well, we do what we must, don't we?" Liara opened her eyes again and looked straight at Sulien.
Sulien crossed the room and stood in front of Liara. "Truly I am, Liara. I never wanted to do it, but I had to."
"Yes, Commander, I know." Liara paused and wiped a tear from her eye. "For the good of the mission."
Liara's words cut her to the quick. "Yes, for the good of the mission," Sulien whispered.
Liara wiped away another tear.
"Goodnight Commander, I hope you sleep well."
With that, Liara turned back to her work. Sulien wanted to reach out, to take the young woman in her arms and soothe her. But she couldn't. She didn't know how.
Shepard went to her quarters then and lay on her bunk. Staring up at the ceiling, she ran her conversation with Liara over and over in her head. That could have gone better, she concluded.
Turning her side, she attempted to sleep, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw Liara's tear-stained face and heard her harsh words. Eventually, she gave up, left her quarters, and headed for the mess.
Sitting down, she noticed that the few crewmembers there left quickly once she arrived. Nobody really wanted to be stuck in polite conversation with the Commander. Not that Shepard felt like talking.
This is ridiculous, she scolded herself. I have to find Saren and stop the Reapers, and I don't have time for this.
Lost in thought, she did not notice the Chief come in. Spying the Commander, she made her way over, oblivious to her scowl. Placing a cup of coffee in front of Shepard, the Chief sat down and took a sip of her own coffee.
Sighing, she placed her cup down. "Nothing beats fresh-brewed coffee."
Shepard looked up. "Chief," she said suddenly, surprised to find her sitting across the table from her. Most of the crew avoided her unless they had to make a direct report.
"Yep," Williams answered flippantly. "Looked like you were doing some serious thinking there. Thought you could use a brew," she said, gesturing towards the cup in front of the Commander.
"Thanks," Shepard replied, raising the mug to her lips and taking a sip of the hot liquid. "This is good," she said, surprised, before she looked at the Chief suspiciously. "This isn't standard rations."
"Nope," the Chief replied. "Picked it up while I was on the Citadel." She took another sip, savouring the coffee. "Here we are, on the best ship in the galaxy, with the first human Spectre. Only the best for the best." She raised her mug to the Commander, eyeing her for a moment. "Know what I'm saying, Skipper?"
Shepard was touched by the young woman's words. "Yeah, I think I do," she said, raising her mug to the Chief. The two sat in silence for a few minutes.
"So, what's eating you, Skipper?" Williams eventually asked when she couldn't handle the silence any longer.
"What makes you think that there's something wrong?" Shepard enquired tersely.
"You look like someone shot your dog," came equally terse reply.
Sulien smiled slightly at the analogy. "Just mulling over the day, to be honest."
"Yeah, it was a tough one all right," agreed the Chief. "Poor T'Soni. She must be feeling pretty horrible right about now," she mused.
The Chief had no love of aliens. In fact, in her opinion, the whole lot of them could go to hell in a hand basket. She did, however, know the pain of losing a parent, and her compassion outweighed her prejudice.
Sulien could only nod in agreement as the Chief continued.
"I mean, to have one of your parents killed right before your eyes…I don't know what I'd do."
Shepard looked sadly at the young marine. "I do," she replied. "You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and just get on with the job at hand."
Williams looked at Shepard, took another sip of her coffee, mulling over what her CO had just said. "Is that what you told her? To get over it? That this was for the good of the mission?"
Noting the emphasis on the word her, Shepard said nothing, just looked into her cooling coffee.
Taking her silence as yes, Williams stood up. "Geez, Skipper, have a heart." She went to rinse out her mug. "I'm not Dr. T'Soni's biggest fan but the girl's just seen her mother killed right before her eyes. She's all alone in this universe now."
Williams gave a brief salute to the Commander and headed towards the sleeping pods.
Shepard stood up and moved towards the recycling area, thinking about the Chief's unexpected words.
She's not the only one who is all alone in this universe, Sulien thought, tossing her own coffee dregs away.
Shepard avoided Liara for the next few days, spending her time on the command deck or in her quarters, writing reports and running system inspections. She wanted to know everything about the Normandy. But eventually she found herself at the med bay again. Dr. Chakwas just nodded towards the back door when she saw the Commander.
She went into the room and Liara was exactly where she had been that night, bent over her console, busy at work. It wasn't until the asari turned around that Sulien saw that she had been crying and was exhausted. Liara didn't stand, as was her usual habit. Instead, she eyed the Commander wearily.
"What can I do for you, Commander?" she asked politely.
"I have come to apologise…" Shepard began.
"I believe you already have," Liara interrupted.
Taking a deep breath, Sulien continued. "I have come to apologise for my insensitivity, and…"
Liara watched her groping for words, wondering what the woman would say.
"And…for my lack of heart," Shepard eventually finished, echoing the Chief's words from the other night. "I never meant to make light of your loss." She took a deep breath. "I know your pain only too well." Shepard stopped suddenly, surprised by her admission.
Liara looked at Sulien. "It is all right, Commander, you have nothing to apologise for." The asari stood up and went and to stand in front of the Commander. "I understand that you had no choice. I knew when we went on that mission that you would have to kill my mother. In the end, even my mother knew that you had to kill her."
She smiled up at Sulien. "I will remember my mother as she was, and not for what she became. Please forgive my earlier words. They were said in grief."
"You don't hate and despise me?" Sulien asked softly.
"No, Commander, I do not," replied Liara just as softly. "I could never despise, let alone hate you."
Sulien stood there, staring at the floor, overwhelmed by Liara's forgiveness. Liara tentatively reached out with her hand and cupped the Spectre's face. Looking at Sulien, she repeated, "I could never hate you."
In Sulien's mind, that was the start of it.
Something changed inside her. She began to feel a little again. She allowed herself to get to know the crew more, and even began to call some of them friends. For the first time in a very long time, Sulien Shepard was happy.
