I don't own Doctor Who or M*A*S*H. This takes place at the last episode of season 3 of M*A*S*H. This is a one-shot. Enjoy!
A black-haired doctor by the name of Benjamin Franklin Pierce (or Hawkeye, as he was commonly called) was in the middle of surgery when he spotted something very wrong with the guy he was operating on.
"What is it, doctor?" Nurse Baker asked as she noticed Hawkeye's hesitation.
"This man has two hearts." Hawkeye stated, just when he thought he'd seen it all. Two red, pulsing hearts were safely nested in the man's sternum.
"Two hearts? You're sure you're not down in his kidneys, Pierce?" Frank mocked from across the O.R.
"No, really, Frank—he has two hearts." He paused. "Two hearts! And they're both beating!"
"Close for me, will ya?" Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake asked Margaret, then moved over to Hawkeye's table. "Holy potatoes! What do we do? This wasn't in the manual!"
"We'll figure it out later," Trapper said, not looking up from his patient.
Hawkeye's brow was beaded with sweat. "I'll just...remove the shrapnel..." The bullet hadn't hit the man near his...hearts...just over to the side near the lung. Two other bullets had entered the man's right leg.
The Doctor woke up in a green hospital bed in South Korea. Things hadn't gone as planned. One minute he was beating the hell out of some Daleks, and the next, shot. He didn't know he'd been in a battlefield in 1951.
There was a nervous-looking kid wearing glasses that sat beside him. "Uh...hey there, I'm Radar." He spoke with a soft voice. "Captain Pierce told me to wait here until you woke up."
"That's nice of him," the Doctor said.
"Well, I, uh, was wondering...we were all wondering..." as Radar left gaps in his sentences, the Doctor noticed the nurses and doctors in the room staring at him. The kid leaned closer to him and whispered, "Why do you have two hearts?"
Oops. That's a tough one to cover up, especially with him wearing no shirt or pants. He'd have to tell the truth to these people. "I'm a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey."
Radar blinked, some surprise showing on his face. "Really? You're an alien?"
"You can bet your socks on that."
"Wow," Radar mouthed.
The Doctor nodded slowly. Radar moved away as he saw Hawkeye move in. "Excuse me, sir," the little corporal said as he scuttled off.
"Hello," Hawkeye greeted the Time Lord, rather uneasily. "Mind telling me your name?"
"The Doctor."
"The Doctor?"
"The Doctor."
"Ah." Hawkeye nodded. He was thinking about calling Sidney for a psychological case. But then again, two hearts wasn't psychological. "I'm Hawkeye Pierce, the surgeon who operated on you."
"Oh, thank you," the Doctor sat up, propping himself against the wall. The woolly blanket slid down from his chest, revealing no scar from the surgery. It had already healed. Hawkeye stared, not knowing what to say. "I should explain myself. I am a time traveler from another planet, the last of my kind. I require the use of my TARDIS, a blue phone box. Perhaps you've seen it?" He really shouldn't be staying here longer than need be. He didn't want to affect the future by having his two hearts recorded in a surgical book.
Hawkeye couldn't find words. He glanced over his shoulder at Trapper, who happened to be with a whole group of people watching this. The army doctor took a deep breath. "Okay. You just...get better."
"Do you believe me?" the Doctor asked, an eyebrow raised. Hawkeye stared into dark, earnest brown eyes. Eyes are like the window to the soul. These two doctors had seen things, horrible things they didn't want to remember. They both saved lives.
"I'm honestly not sure," Hawkeye replied. "Not everybody has two hearts. Frank doesn't even have one."
"I heard that!" Frank shouted.
Hawkeye smiled warmly, a gesture returned by the Doctor. "I'll leave as soon as I'm better," the British man said. "You don't have to worry about me for long."
Some of the excitement was dispelled by Henry's discharge, which would be occurring the same day. But then there was Klinger, clothed in a silver getup with red fluffy edges and a hat of fake fruit piled on his head. He had a few questions for the Doctor. "So, how'd you do it?!" the corporal inquired, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
"Do what exactly?" the Doctor asked.
Klinger leaned in closer. "The two hearts thing. I could get a section 8 with that type of stuff!"
"Ahhh," the Doctor stated in acknowledgment. This man was trying to get out of the army, which explained the dress. "No, I really have two hearts."
"You from another planet or something?"
"Yes."
Klinger leaned back. "I get it. You're a real crazy, not a fake crazy like I am."
The Doctor only stared at him until the Nose went away. He searched his mind for information about the Korean War, remembering all that he could from various history classes. He checked the clipboard at the end of his bed and found the date. So, it would be happening soon. Perhaps, he could save a life. It wouldn't change time that much. A man would get home to his wife and kids, go fishing in that pokey hat of his. Henry had been in here earlier, nervous and stuttering and getting his fingers stuck in the fishing lures.
The Doctor had to lay in bed the entire time, which was extremely boring. He wished he had his sonic screwdriver, since he didn't want it in anyone else's hands. It was the only companion he had now, what with Rose gone...
Hawkeye was checking the wounds on the Doctor's legs, noting that they were just red spots now. "There's no doubt now. You're an alien."
"Told you so," the Doctor said. "Are you keeping this off the records?"
The man with icy blue eyes sighed. "I'm doing my best. Ferret Face is strictly by the book. He and Hot Lips will try their best to bring you into the light, but me and Trap—" he nodded over his shoulder at the other hovering doctor leaning on the bed post, "—will do our best to stop them."
"I appreciate it. And, uh," he said before the doctors could leave, "you might need my sonic screwdriver."
"What's that?" Trapper asked.
"A device. Point it at the communications system and it'll jam it up. It should be in my coat pocket, wherever you put my suit. Oh, and one other thing." The Doctor bent forward to whisper into Hawkeye's ear. "Henry Blake's plane is going to crash. Don't let him go. Don't tell him, either—he won't believe you anyways."
Hawkeye silently acknowledged this, slipped over to Trapper, whispered it to him, and the two took off to stop their Commanding Officer from getting killed and the majors from spilling the Doctor's secret.
"Hurry up, wouldja?" Frank demanded of the short corporal.
"I'm trying as best as I can!" Radar said for the hundredth time, headset in place, turning knobs, trying to contact Margaret's acquaintance, who happened to be a general. "Hello, Sparky? This is Radar. I need to get a call through to Seoul. ... Okay, thanks." He looked to the majors. "This will take a while."
"Aww," Frank whined. He turned to Margaret. "I wanna be in the newspaper!"
"Just be patient, Frank," she soothed. "You'll go down in history as the man who discovered the two-hearted person."
"You think it's worth a promotion?" He looked hopeful.
"It's quite possible," Margaret smiled. Their faces came closer until Radar cleared his throat.
"Hello Frank," Hawkeye and Trapper said in unison as they walked into Radar's office.
"I suppose you think that's funny," the major retorted.
"Aha, you got us there!" Hawkeye exclaimed.
"What do you two want?" Margaret asked.
"Not to tell anyone outside of camp about the Doctor," Trapper responded.
"The Doctor?" Frank inquired along with Radar. "Shut up!" he yelled at the corporal, who sunk into his chair. Then he turned back to the captains, Hawkeye replying, "The British man with two hearts."
"He's not a doctor!"
"No, he's the Doctor," the captains corrected.
"What difference does it make?" Margaret snapped.
"The future. He can time travel," Trapper said.
"And Radar can grow to six feet!" Frank retorted.
"Hey!" the corporal exclaimed.
"The point is," Hawkeye interrupted, slightly slipping the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket, "he doesn't need the media's attention, and neither do you, Ferret Face."
Frank's mouth dropped open, Margaret coming to his defense. "We need to ask this man questions so if we come upon this again, we'll know how to operate."
"He's the last of his kind!" Hawkeye blurted.
"Just leave the whole thing alone," Trapper added. "The 4077th can keep it between themselves."
"But he could be back in DC, away from where the Commies could get him," Frank nodded with self-assurance.
Hawkeye finally took the chance as Radar seemed to get through, pointing the cylindrical device at all the communications gear. He kept it by his side so the majors wouldn't see the sonic screwdriver. It made a buzzing sound and a blue light emanated from the end. Then he returned it to his pocket. Radar kept asking "Hello?" and tapping the button on the speaker.
"What did you do?!" Frank screeched like the animal he was nicknamed after.
"Nothing." Hawkeye shrugged.
"I'll put this in my report!" Margaret said.
"Did you see anything, Trap?" the black-haired doctor asked.
"Not a thing," the friend replied.
"Radar?"
"My head was turned."
"There you have it. Three against two," Hawkeye stuck out his tongue.
Before the majors could utter a reply, Henry left his office, not dressed to leave quite yet, still wearing green and his fishing hat. Hawkeye and Trapper remembered that Henry wasn't supposed to leave for his plane. Or he could be late. They hadn't devised a plan for that yet. "Okay, what's all this about?" the C.O. inquired.
"Hawkeye broke the communications!" Frank snitched.
"I didn't touch a thing," Hawkeye stated.
"Tis true," Trapper agreed.
"But he had to do something!" Margaret argued.
"None of the wires are cut," Radar said from under the desk.
Henry held up his hands in surrender. "Hold on, folks. I'll be leaving today...can't we make this a happy occasion?"
The five fell completely silent except for a few mumbled "yes sirs."
The British man in question fidgeted around on his bed, trying to think up a plan. Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar were the only ones who seemed to believe he was a time-traveling alien. The two captains had later returned his sonic screwdriver, the Doctor greeting it as if it could hear him. Father Mulcahy had approached the Time Lord with confused success, perhaps half-believing him and wondering about the current pope's species.
Then the Doctor noticed his untouched coffee cup. Ahh, that'll do the trick, he thought, reaching for it and plunking in his medication that he hadn't taken because he didn't need pills. He hardly ever slept and barely ate, too, something they didn't seem to understand. He sonic'd the affected coffee and set it down. "Nurse! Nurse, can I speak to Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake?"
All of the personnel were lined up in the courtyard, Henry giving them all a last look, especially Klinger in the fruit hat. The Doctor, fully recovered and dressed in his usual, observed from around a corner of the Mess Tent, which was messier than usual that day. He checked his watch, silently counting down. "Three...two..."
"GAH!" Henry doubled over, clutching his stomach.
"Colonel! Colonel, are you okay?!" Radar instantly panicked.
Hawkeye and Trapper spotted the Doctor, who gave them the okay sign and a thumbs up. Soon, the commanding officer would be hurling marshmallows for an hour. Nothing to worry about.
Amongst all the confusion, Hawkeye slipped out of line and started up a jeep. The Doctor hopped in beside him, and the two made for the countryside. With no seat belts, they bumped the entire way there as the Doctor pointed out which way to turn. At one point, Hawkeye had an important question for him. "When will the war end?"
The Doctor looked at him from the corner of his eye. "I'm not supposed to spoil it for you."
"What will it affect? I mean, really? Give us some hope."
The Doctor sighed and gazed straight ahead. "The summer of 1953. That's two years."
"Better than the World Wars," Hawkeye wanted to shrug. Two years is over 700 days. Could he really do that?
"There!" the Doctor yelled, pointing at the tall blue phone box. It was safely nestled between some green bushes and leafy trees. "That's the TARDIS."
Hawkeye pulled over to the side of the road. "Good luck, Doctor."
"You too," the Time Lord patted Hawkeye on the shoulder. "Hang in there." He leapt out and disappeared inside of the TARDIS, which faded in and out as it made its distinct sound. Then it was gone completely.
Hawkeye wondered for a while after that event if he could have gone with the Doctor, having adventures across space and time. He could have returned at a later time but at the same date here. Would it have been any different, though? Death. Blood. Wars.
And so, the two doctors parted, willfully going back into action to save many lives.
That night, Klinger roasted the marshmallows over an open fire.
