Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. Some humour intended. Some humour may be accidental. The author can accept no responsibility for unexpected funniness.

Chapter 1 – The Sister Who Lived

General Wedge Antilles lay awake in his 115th story apartment on Coruscant, the planet that was a city (and therefore unsustainable due to the absence of natural resources, eg. where does the air come from when there are no trees?), and the galactic seat of the New Empire, I mean Republic.

He turned to glance at his chrono. It registered one minute to midnight. He sighed. In one minute, it would be his birthday – not that anyone would care. His fiancée, Iella Wessiri, was on a girls-only vacation. His fighter squadron was off on a galaxy tour, to promote the latest holobook about their adventures: 'X-Wing: Starfighters of Adumar'. Luke, Leia and Han are main characters and so can't be in this story otherwise they would overshadow Wedge.

Wedge sighed again. The chrono changed to display midnight.

BOOM.

Wedge sat up in bed, alarmed. What was going on?

BOOM.

It sounded like someone knocking very heavily on his apartment door. Why didn't they use the door chime, like everyone else? Grabbing his blaster from under his pillow, he raced out into the hallway.

SMASH!

The door that Wedge had just been about to answer came toppling forwards, and he only just leapt out of the way before it fell onto the floor with the sound of cheap Star Trek scenery hitting carpet.

PLUMPH!

An enormous, bearded man stood in the doorway. Then he was obscured from view again as the emergency apartment firedoor slid shut.

There was a pause. Then the doorbell chimed. Wedge hesitated for a moment, then pressed the intercom button.

"Uh… who is it?"

"Me name's Dubious Haggar. Yeh don't remember me, but I knew yeh when you were a baby."

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk to yeh. It's about yer sister, Sledge."

"My sister's dead."

"Tha's what yer uncle told yeh."

"What uncle?"

"The uncle every hero has that tells 'em lies about their past."

"Oh."

"Your sister didn't die with yer parents when those evil pirates Who Shall Not Be Named blew up their refueling station. She escaped."

"She did? Well, where is she?"

"That's what I wan' to talk to yeh about. Your sister Sledge is in trouble. She's caught in a trap, there's no turning back, she needs yer help!"

"I think you'd better come in."


Haggar sat in the lounge, dwarfing a double settee, whilst Wedge brewed up a cup of tea.

"Milk, sugar?" called Wedge.

"Jus' as long as there's no ice, I don't mind. Don't understand these daf' New Yorkers, I mean Coruscantians, drinking tea with ice in. It's jus' not proper."

Wedge returned from the kitchen with two mugs of steaming tea.

"Don't ask me. I won't touch iced tea unless I happen to be stuck in Norway, I mean Hoth, and have no choice."

Haggar took his tea and smiled warmly at Wedge.

"'Appy birthday, Wedge!"

Wedge took a seat, looking at Haggar in surprise. "Thanks."

Haggar leaned forward. "You're a wizard, Wedge."

"What?!!!"

"A wizard pilot, that's fer sure."

"Oh. Thanks. Um – didn't you want to tell me something about my sister?"

Haggar took a slurp of tea. "Yes, that's righ'. Your sister, Sledge." He took another slurp of tea. "She's caught in a trap, there's no turnin'- "

"Details, Haggar, please?"

"Yeah… righ'… I was jus' comin' ter that. Well. After yer parents were killed by the Pirates That Cannot Be Named-"

"Why can't they be named?"

"Because no one's written an Extended Universe book abou' yer history, yet, Wedge. We don' know what the Pirates were called."

"Oh, right."

"Anyway, as I was sayin', after yer parents were killed by… were killed, your sister Sledge thought you were dead, too. She left home and ended up as a bio-engineer. She designed a process fer large-scale production of Midiclorian cultures. You know, those little green things that live inside Wizards, I mean Jedi, and are not found in Muggles, I mean Non Force-Sensitives."

Wedge nodded in understanding, and placed his thumb and forefinger under his chin to indicate that he was listening intently. He didn't have a clue what Haggar was talking about.

Haggar continued: "Her plan was to put Midiclorian cultures in her own brand of Force-Yogurt, and sell it ter anyone wanting ter enhance their force-sensitivity. For a few years, she made a killin'. Then the Empire got wind of it. They wanted the technology fer themselves. When she refused ter tell 'em her trade secret, they kidnapped her and raided her factory. But they couldn't figure out the midichlorian growin' process, the buffoons. They are demanding she tells 'em. She won't, of course. You have to help her!"

"Wait. How do you know all this?"

"She managed to get a message to me by jettisoning an escape pod with a droid in it from the space station she is being held in. The Empire didn't shoot it down, because their aim is notoriously bad and they missed."

"That figures."

"She's being held in the Giant Mirrorball of Doom."

"The what? Don't tell me this is one of Qwi Xux's creations from her hip, teenage years."

"Who?"

"Qwi Xux. Ex-girlfriend. Designer of the Death Star."

"Oh. No, this one's new. In a retro sense. You know how it is with fashion." He eyed Wedge's tartan pyjamas. "Or maybe yeh don't."

Wedge ignored his comment. "OK, so how do I get her out of there?"

"It won't be easy. The Giant Mirrorball of Doom is laden with booby-traps and near-impossible tasks that only a true hero can complete. Or something. Beware of Fluffy."

"Fluffy?"

"A three-headed rancor. Very dangerous, and very hungry. But all yeh need ter do is play some music and he'll go righ' ter sleep."

"Really?"

"No. Fluffy's a crazed maniac who hates music."

"So why did you tell me he'd fall asleep if I played music?"

"I shouldn't 'ave told yeh that. I'm sorry. I was jus' messin' with yeh."

"Great."

"So, are yeh gunna help her?"

"Of course I am. We are family, after all."


At the break of dawn, Wedge descended to the ground-floor garage where his X-Wing was parked. It was right where he had left it after the previous day's trip to the local supermarket. He was just about to start climbing the ladder when he heard someone shouting.

"Wedge! Wait!"

He turned to see two figures running towards him. One of them was Iella Wessiri, his fiancée, and the other was his old friend and fellow pilot, Wes Janson.

"What are you two doing here?" Wedge asked in surprise, stepping away from the ladder. "I thought you were on holiday," he said to Iella. "And you're supposed to be on tour." This last was directed at Janson.

"We came back early," Iella said.

"Yeah, we wouldn't want to miss this special day," Janson said, grinning.

Wedge looked at them, his eyes shining. "You… you remembered?"

"How could we forget?" Janson said.

"We had to be here for this important occasion," Iella said.

Wedge felt his eyes watering. And there he had been, thinking that no one even cared about his birthday.

"No, we couldn't miss Coruscant's Annual Plant-a-Tree-And-Create-An-Atmosphere-So-We-Can-Actually-Breathe-Day!" Janson enthused brightly.

Wedge dabbed at his eyes, thinking himself the luckiest guy in the galaxy. Then he took in what Janson had said. "What?"

"What's wrong, Wedge?" Iella was looking at him in concern. "Did you forget to have your mail-order Endor tree delivered?"

Wedge looked miserably at his friends. "No. Well, yes. But it's-"

"How could you forget! That's terrible, Boss," Janson chided him.

"Well, I… uh…" Wedge hung his head in shame.

"Never mind, you can help me plant my tree," Iella suggested kindly.

"Thanks, Iella," Wedge said gratefully. Then he remembered something. "Wait – I can't. I've got to go and rescue my sister."

"What sister?" Janson queried.

"My long-lost sister, Sledge. She's in trouble with the Empire."

"Is she good-looking?" Janson asked eagerly.

"How should I know, I haven't seen her since she was seventeen."

"Well, was she good-looking then?" Janson pressed.

Wedge sighed, exasperated, and gave Iella a look. She grinned in response. He turned back to Janson.

"She looked like a female version of me. OK?"

Janson eyed Wedge closely, as if considering something. Then he grinned cheekily. "Sounds good enough for me. So, when are we leaving?"

"We?"

"You weren't planning on rescuing your sister by yourself, were you?" Janson folded his arms and waited for the response.

"Yes, actually, I was."

Iella stepped forward then, to get between Wedge and his X-Wing. "No, you can't. I won't let you go alone. Janson, for all his ulterior motives, is right. We're both coming with you!"

Wedge rolled his eyes. "No, you're not."

"Why not?" Iella asked defiantly.

"Because you won't fit in my X-Wing. See you later, enjoy planting trees!" He tried to move past Iella. She didn't budge.

"Typical starfighter pilot. Thinks the only space vehicle in the galaxy is an X-Wing. Did you really think you'd be allowed into Imperial Space flying one of these?"

Wedge made fish movements with his mouth.

"How about, instead, we fly a stolen Imperial Lambda-Class shuttle with security codes obtained by Bothan espionage?"

Wedge frowned. "Blasted Intelligence Agents! Why do you always have to come up with something… intelligent?"

"I'm the brainy character, Wedge. The clever one. You're the hero, who is good at flying, and Janson here…" Janson gave her a wink. "…is the comic relief character who is occasionally useful." She ignored Janson's offended look. "Come on, we've got to go, before your sister gets killed – or worse – chatted up by an Imperial who's even more despicable than Janson." Iella marched purposely off towards the door.

Janson shook his head. "She really needs to get her opinion of me straight. She's got me all wrong!"


Having acquired an Imperial Lambda-Class shuttle and security codes obtained by Bothan espionage, the three friends took off from Coruscant and set course for the Giant Mirrorball of Doom. Then Wedge pulled on the hyperspace levers, and the ship lurched into the starlined tunnel of hyperspace.


Wedge pulled on the hyperspace levers, and the ship lurched into the star-studded blackness of normal space. Looming in the viewport was an enormous, glittering sphere of many mirrored surfaces. The Giant Mirrorball of Doom!