The first time he says it is when I'm trying to make my break. Get out before I'm completely obliterated….mind, body and soul. We're dressed for the wedding and he looks so tempting in his suit. The way his eyes rake over me in my dress makes my stomach flutter. Blue, his favorite color. I did it on purpose.
"No, Caroline, I love you. Please let me show you."
I stay because he needs me to. But I won't give myself to him completely. Because I don't believe him. I don't feel anything when his hand desperately holds onto mine. Because I can't. I refuse.
The second time he says it is when we give in. After one too many drinks. A too empty house. Overcome by the loneliness. Both of us haunted mercilessly by the memory of one another's skin. My back hits the wall. One of his hands tangles in my hair the way he does. The other holds my leg up gently. And he pours himself into me and ecstasy explodes from within me and into my ear he says over and over…
"IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou."
White hot tears spill down my cheeks and he kisses and drinks them. And I want so badly to believe him because I feel everything. But I don't. And I won't let this happen again.
The third time he says it is when we're just us. Arguing over a game of Scrabble that he's already letting me win. It smells like coffee and cinnamon rolls. And Stefan's sweater as it brushes my arm is the softest and warmest thing I've ever felt besides his skin. I use my bogus word in a sentence defiantly, looking at him playfully from the corner of my eye to see if he's buying it and he just laughs and says…
"I love you."
And I say…
"No, you don't."
And I smile because I'm lying. I believe him. Just like I believed him the first time. Only now I'm finally ready to admit it.
