The world sucks. No really, there's whole lot of god awful people and things in this forbidden world. But what if I told you, it was worse. Yes stupid child, before you were born, things were hell. Let me tell about the story of how that changed.
Once upon on a time, there was a man named Mario. He was the pimp of the Mushroom Kingdom. He saved 20 or so princess and slept with them all; He was very unfaithful if you couldn't tell. He was also a fighter. Mario would beat the shit out of anyone who would fuck with him so he decided to professionally fight other people. This brings to the day, the special day. He was put in a fight against Kirby. Kirby was a dirty boy to say the least. He sucked, zucked, cucked, and fucked you up. Who knows what the fuck he is, all we know is he's a badass serial killer. This fight between Mario and Kirby was on the infinite death platform in the wasteland stadium. The platform was 2 miles long and 1 wide and was drenched in blood. Spikes and saws were at the ends of the platform. The fight itself was presented by the sons-of-bitches at nintendo and was sponsored by every living company in the universe. While the people packed into their seats, Mario smoked his weed in the out of view room he was given.
"Da fuk ya smoking Mario?" His manger came in.
"Aw shit dog. Why you be bursting like that?"
"Sorry dogg, just had to tell ya the price of the battle is 2 bitches. They are Peach and Zelda." Mario instantly got a boner.
"So when we fightin'?"
"Five mins." 5 minutes passed and Mario headed out. He came out on a metal road that came from below the sharp weapons and ended on the platform. The two fighters headed to the center of the ring as the fight was set to start. The two princesses were sent onto the ring so they could get the crowd hiped right before the fight. Suddenly a hoard of helicopters came into the stadium.
"Holy shit." Mario said.
The fleet was very big to say the least. Many of the soldiers had guns and suits of armor. One even had a fucking sniper rifle. They were kind of cool looking with really dense blue lines which made them stand out from the red battlefield. Kirby coughed out a gun.
"This came in handy" he said.
He then started to shoot the mysterious men; Mario joined him.
"The two princesses have been kidnapped!" an Announcer stated.
"God fucking dammit" Mario said. "We lost them."
It was a big tragedy that day as all the people were dead because the shooters had shot the crowd.
20 days later. The entire nation was in a panic about the incident. Mario was drinking at the bar with his bar buds, Captain Falcon, Sonic, and his bro Luigi. The bar was quite big with 3 giant tvs broadcasting CNN, Sports Tv, and the bootleg movie channel. Mario was ordering a cocktail when he felt a touch to his back.
"Who the fuck are you?" he said.
"I'm the one who can help you" the mysterious girl said.
Mario looked at the girl and realized it was Samus. she was talking to him as she was interested in saving the world. "okay" Mario said and he brought his gang.
They all entered Samus's ship which was huge. Captain Falcon was impressed by how detailed the ship's interior was, Mario was suspicious of what exactly they were gonna do, and Luigi was paranoid of everything that could go wrong. Sonic, however, was interested in one thing, dat thicc ass. Samus may have been wearing regular clothes, not her zero suit, but her tush was barely contained in her jeans.
"So why are we here exactly?" Mario asked Samus.
"Well..." Samus replied. She was becoming quite nervous. "I want to be rehired to my job as I need some money for my 'special things'."
"Well shit, get a job at the local burger joint if you need cash that bad."
"But, here's the thing asshole, I made 6 thousand bucks a WEEK. I can't pay for anything i need if i work at Burger King or any other fast food place. I can't cook or even be hostess or anything except for a bad ass."
"Well fuck me, work with Dog the Bountyhunter or Batman or someone who fights crime if you truly want to be a bad ass."
Samus sighed knowing Mario would not a single fuck about her and her problems.
Maybe bringing these guys was a mistake but she had to go on.The Mario gang, as she called it, slept in her guest room while she slept in her super secret room.
The night was not silent though as Sonic was in fact a horny chilli dog. He hid in the bathroom with his phone and jacked off at the speed of sound, He nutted 30 times. "Fuck, i have a problem." he said.
The next morning. The crew started their journey to gather as many people as they could to save the princesses. Over the next week, they had expanded from 5 rundown heroes to 55 almost bad asses. Now it was it princess saving time. The two princesses were located on a massive airship manned by 3 villains, Bowser, Eggman, and some shady guy. The team went to save them on a day where there was supposedly a meeting on the ship. However, unknown to the team, there was another person on ship whom was not a part of either crew. Enter, Solid Snake.
Snake was sent in by the government to save the two princesses. He may have despised his mission but he had to do it so he snuck onto the ship the night before. He was armed with a handgun and some cigarettes.
"May all of the troops gather for briefing in the deck area." a voice from the speakers boomed.
Many of the robots, animals and soldiers rushed into the deck area, Snake hid in a vent with a tape recorder in hand so he could record the meeting.
"Good day everyone!" Eggman announced. There was silence.
"Hey! Can't you at least thank me for welcoming your sorry asses." More silence.
"Oh never mind, I'm here today to inform you that we have a new mission for you all to do. This mission is quite simple, take over the world."
The crowd cheered and actually started to make some noise.
"Yes my friends we will conquer the dickish assholes who've done us wrong like Mario Sonic..."
"Hey who ya calling an asshole Egg-for-a-dick." Sonic had appeared atop a speaker.
"Get that hedgehog!" The entire fleet appeared as Sonic jumped into the crowd. A bombardment of fighters appeared on the deck as massive fight broke out. Snake quickly ran past the ensuring chaos. Suddenly 2 booming gun shots rang from the platform Eggman was speaking from. A human like figure was standing on the platform with the two princesses in front of him. He look metallic with him mostly being covered in jet black with bright white stripes and shapes surrounding his body.
"Hush now every body." There's was pure silence. He spoke in a quiet voice but it over powered anything else.
"Why must you fight for something you can never win. You all are seeds. Seeds on a fruit. Nothing. Nothing at all. Embodiments of rage, anger, lust, pride, selfishness."
He took out two guns. "I am your lover."
He fires his gun into Peach's head. It crumbles like a watermelon.
"I am your motherfuck."
He then kills Zelda the same way as he did for Peach.
"I am god. I am satan. I am everything. I am nothing. I am a savior. I am the protector."
He said protector deafingly loud causing many to fall back.
"And I feel no pain." he kept saying i feel no pain before it became no pain then i feel pain before it just became i am pain. "and you feel pain."
The Protector said that before the ship started to crash.
It crashed into the forest.
