Synopsis: Mercenary Tao finds the entire Dragon Ball manga in his cabin and lays megalomanical plans involving Raditz, Nappa, and Vegeta.
After his unfortunate encounter with one Hank Hill, Mercenary Tao had somehow woken up in his proper continuity.
"Why does the inside of my mouth taste like crystalized rage?" he shouted to nothing in particular. He rubbed his eyes - a reflex from his days as a proper human. Then, he stood up, surveying his surroundings.
It was a small cabin. He used to live here, before he had an unfortunate incident with his brother over a simple meal. Suprisingly, the centuries had been good to it - It had retained its general shape, and even had some of its roof left. And it certainly called into question the validity of his previous combat encounter.
Then, he saw a hefty book laying on the ground. A quick glance at the cover - "Dragon Ball - The Entire Series". The cover depicted several boys and men with spikey hair; one seemed very familar.
*What? Is this ... that kid Goku? How did Crane get his hands on this? When did this happen? I really need to at least glance through this.*
So he did. It appeared to be the comedic adventures of a boy and his friends searching for Dragon Balls.
*What? Is this historical?* Tao wondered as he reached the chapters relating to the Red Ribbon Army a few hours later.
*This is historical! ... and it's unusually cruel to me.* he thought as he read through what appeared to be a fight between himself and Goku.
*Let me guess, eventually I'll see myself fighting that Tien Shinhan fellow.*
Continued reading did, in fact, lead to such a fight. Naturally, Tao was shocked and appalled. Not long after, he reached a little page stating the following:
"Here begin the events of what, in its anime adaptation, was called Dragon Ball Z. The story begins on October 12th, 761, when Goku's son, Gohan is four years old."
Tao checked his internal clock. *October 9th, 761.* A few more chapters, and there was a location - Master Roshi's house.
"This is propituous. Not only can I get rid of Goku using this information, I can possibly also rid myself of Master Roshi. Then I will be the most powerful being on this planet," he muttered.
*Looks like me, Goku, and this 'Raditz' fellow have an appointment,* he thought. *Good thing I learned how to skydance, otherwise I'd never get there on time.*
And so he flew, taking the anthology with him.
Meanwhile, for reasons unknown, Kami/Piccolo was in some distress.
"Do you feel it? The timeline is about to warp into forms incomprehensible even to the Namek mind," Kami thought.
"Of course I do. You don't think I'm unaware of our linked mind, do you?" Piccolo mentally snarled.
"Normally I would send Mr. Popo down to resolve this, but there's a stigma against blackface these days..."
"Just dye him blue. I don't think anyone will notice."
"Alright then." And then, Kami turned to Mr. Popo.
"I heard what you said. There is no need for you to restate it, and I will do what is neccesary for the preservation of the universe."
And so Mr. Popo painted himself blue before descending to Earth, hoping that it would prevent potential racist allegations.
Three days later, Tao was a mile away from the Kame House, while Raditz, having just faced off with Piccolo, was making all haste towards the largest power signature he could find.
Hint: It definitely wasn't Tao's.
Raditz had just thrown Krillin through the wall of Master Roshi's house. Goku and his son had just come out, venting their fury and confusion at Raditz, who had just referred to Goku as "Kakarott", as well as a Saiyan.
"Already the first threads are unraveling," muttered Kami.
"I'll stop Raditz before anything happens." Piccolo responded.
"Going to use your 'Special Beam Cannon'?"
"Of course I am-"
"Do not announce it. It would be a terrible idea."
"...Do you have any idea how energy attacks work? Have you ever fought a single battle in your life?"
"No time to explain. Something unusual has come up."
Mercenary Tao had soared in.
"Tao? You're not supposed to be here!" Goku shouted.
"I can go wherever I want and do what I want. Today I seek to pluck this 'Raditz' and keep him from performing his agenda, leaving me free to kill you at my leisure."
"WHAT? How did you know my name?"Raditz shouted.
"Let's just say that I have a record of the future. If you do what I say, you will come out of this alive."
"I'll kill you-"
"Not so fast, monkey boy. This book is an extremely accurate prophecy of the future should you not do my bidding. Take a look at the bookmark." He tossed the book to Raditz, who opened it to the marked page.
"What is this? I can't read this garbage, it's all in symbol gibberish-"
"Let me see that-" said Goku, snatching it away from Raditz.
"Heh, this guy looks like me. And the book's in Japanese." Goku passed it back to Raditz.
"Uh... Goku? You probably shouldn't have given the book back to him," Krillin muttered."
"Come on, it's obvious that he's bluffing!" And he turned to Krillin.
"And just between us... I assure you I can take Tao. If he gets this Raditz fellow out of the way, then all we have to worry about is Piccolo coming on to - I mean after us-" Goku thought-spoke to Krillin.
"I heard that!"
"Didn't see you there, Piccolo." Accompanied by a quick nod in the Namek's direction.
"As much as I'd like to kill you and take over this planet, Kami says I'm not allowed to, and also that Tao's up to something."
Meanwhile, Tao had convinced Raditz not to kill him ("Yet", according to Raditz). "Let's leave before they can formulate a plan."
"..." The idea of not fighting was anthema to Raditz, but Tao had already flown off.
"Get back here!" he shouted, jumping after Tao, and attracting the attention of Goku and friends.
"First a crazy guy comes up here and claims that I'm a 'Saiyan', then Mercenary Tao shows up and convinces him to follow him... I'm confused now," said Goku.
".. Follow them," growled Piccolo.
"I'd like to, but I can't sense their ki signatures."
And then, Piccolo facepalmed.
Tao and Raditz ended up in a secluded area.
"Conceal your power. You don't want them coming after you and killing you," said Tao.
"They'll never kill me! I'm too good of a warrior!"
"Actually, according to this, you're a very poor warrior. I like the fact that you took Goku's son hostage, but you drastically underestimated Goku's willingness to die-"
"If I had known he was so willing to get himself killed, I would've helped him along in the first place!"
"Well, you'll need my help just to survive on Earth. I have fought this group on multiple occasions, and they simply will not give up." Tao handed the book to Raditz.
"You know I can't read this-"
"Look at the pictures, you simpleton."
And Raditz looked at the pictures. He saw his tail pulled, his armor cracked by a child (Son Gohan), and himself eventually pierced by an energy beam as Goku restrained him.
"I would tread very carefully around these warriors. They're not the sharpest knives in the drawer for sure, but they are much more intelligent and determined than you-"
Raditz could take no more, and clocked Tao in the jaw. And Tao collapsed to the ground. But as Raditz towered over him, attempting to deliver a killing blow...
"I wouldn't do that," said Tao. " You may enjoy the torture and killing, but without my guidance, you won't make it through the next few days." And this time, Tao managed to dodge a haymaker.
"Trust me."
"I'm not going to-"
"Raditz! What is the matter with you! Kill him already!"
It appeared to Tao that the Saiyan had flinched as a result of a bug in the ear or something.
"I was about to before you distracted me!"
"Just kill him before we have to come over here and kill you!"
"But that doesn't make any sense! You're over a year away from this planet!"
"... if you don't kill him now, you can consider your days numbered."
As Raditz appeared to talk to himself, Tao picked up the book, lazily flipped through pages...
"You're talking to Nappa and Vegeta, are you not?" he said, almost nonchalantly, snickering as if he thought himself witty.
"No, I'm talking to Broly and Paragus. Of course I'm talking to them. How the hell do you know?"
"Because of the book. And it's through that scouter of yours. How many examples of this is it going to take to get this through your head?"
Raditz was silent for a moment.
"Look, I'll put you on the line with this fellow." And he handed the scouter to Tao, who put it on. Gibberish and humanoid silhouettes danced across its inner surface.
"Hello, Vegeta. Hello, Nappa. I am Mercenary Tao and I have disturbing news for you."
It was Nappa who broke the awkward silence that followed.
"There is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY that you could know my name."
"I read it in a book. Are you Vegeta or Nappa? Because of the circumstances, I have no way of knowing."
"... This is Nappa. What's next? Are you going to tell me something stupid about Kakarot?"
"... Are all your names bad puns on vegetables?"
"I take offense to that!"
"Do what you will. But you won't get to learn how to defeat Frieza, or become a Super Saiyan-"
"What? Nappa, shut up for a minute. This is Vegeta, and there is no way that you could know anything you've informed us of-"
"But there is. Come to earth and I will tell you everything."
"If you don't, Frieza will kill you, and Kakarot will be the only one capable of becoming a Super Saiyan-"
"I want to become a Super Saiyan!" shouted Nappa over the communication lines.
"We both do, Nappa. How do we know that Raditz didn't break down and tell you everything?"
"Because without my help, you will lose. And lose. And keep losing. You will always be a shadow of Son Goku."
And another brief silence. When Vegeta spoke, he sounded calm, but his words suggested a seething, horrendous rage that itself could kill.
"That's it. Me and Nappa are departing for Earth right now to murder you in the most horrid way possible. See you next year-"
"I must warn you that killing me deprives you of the information you need-"
"I don't NEED your stupid misinformation."
Meanwhile, on some obscure planet halfway across the galaxy, Vegeta ripped off his scouter and threw it into his nearby capsule.
"Get in your capsule, Nappa. You know what we're doing." And their long journey to Earth began.
