Back To the Start

Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh, take me back to the start.

I push the massive Gucci sunglasses onto my face and keep my head down as I walk out of Starbucks with my caramel latte.

Keep your head down, Miley, I tell myself, don't look up no matter what.

Suddenly, a flash goes off from nowhere, catching me off guard and making me look up. It's them, the paparazzi.

"Hey, it is her, it's Miley Cyrus!" I hear one of them yell.

Crap. Crap. Crap.

"Miley, is it true that your engagement with Liam has broken off?"

"Was it because you were too possessive?"

"Miley, could you just give us one picture?"

"Did Liam think you were holding him back from his career?"

"Have you spoken to Liam since then?"

"If you could say one thing to Liam now, what would it be?"

Questions are shooting and flashes are going off from everywhere, and my head is spinning. Where the hell did they come from, and how did they know I'd be here? I can't deal with them right now, I can't. I keep my head down, trying by best to ignore them and keep the tears from springing to my eyes as I finally reach my car. I fumble around my purse for the keys and get in as soon as I could, driving away quickly.

They follow me for a while but eventually, I manage to lose track of them. By now, the tears I have not been able to stop for the past couple of days have started to fall again and I can barely see the road through them and my sunglasses, so I pull off the road to side.

I lean my head back and close my eyes, trying to calm myself. All I wanted was a coffee, why couldn't they just leave me alone for a few minutes?

I open my eyes once I've managed to stop crying and pull my sunglasses off, realizing for the first time that I'm parked by the sea. How could I have missed that?

I get out of the car and head towards it. It seems pretty isolated so I figure I'll be fine. I used to come to the beach all the time when I was younger, whenever I had to think or even just to relax.

I had not done that in a while. I missed it.

I pulled my phone out and went to the gallery which was filled with pictures of Liam and I. I hadn't had the heart to delete them, no matter how sad they made me when I looked at them, which I have about ten times since we broke up.

And I'm doing it once again, I realize. I scroll through them one by one, resisting the urge to cry. I go through them all, and there are pictures from even before Liam came into my life, pictures I haven't seen in a while. Then comes one that makes me stop.

It's him. Nick Jonas. It's a picture from back when we were fifteen. I have my arm around his waist as his arm is slung across my shoulder and we are both grinning from ear to ear.

I remember that moment so well, all of a sudden. We were at a bowling alley, and Nick and I had won against Joe and Kevin. Nick insisted that we take a picture to freeze the moments of victory. I remember rolling my eyes and teasing him about it, but eventually agreeing. Joe had taken the picture, mumbling something about us being sore winners while Kevin laughed at us.

Thinking about it made me smile, my first real smile since the break-up. The Miley in the picture had been living an amazing life and thought she was the luckiest girl in the world. How had I changed so much in such a short time?

I sigh, which seems to be all I do these days. I haven't spoken to anyone; I'd locked myself in my apartment until I had run out of food. I'd gotten so many calls, messages, asking about what happened and offering sympathy, but I didn't want it, their sympathy or their "It's going to be OK"s. They were just words, useless words.

I look at the picture, closing my eyes and letting the memories play over.

My first love. The first boy I'd ever said "I love you" to, the one I had promised to love forever.

What's happened to us? I always thought that even if we did break up, we'd still be friends. But I was dead wrong, and the proof is that we haven't even spoken to each other in two years or so. Even when we see each other at award shows or something, we pretend to not know each other.

And Joe, he was always like another brother (not that i don't have enough, trust me, two is plenty), always finding ways to annoy me and Nick but being there when I needed him. Kevin, always the sensible one; the one Nick and I used to look up to. He's married now and I wasn't even invited to his wedding.

I flip to the next photo and it's a picture of Demi, Selena and I from an award show which seems like a hundred years ago. Demi; my best friend whom I failed to be there for when she needed me the most.

And Selena, the incredibly sweet girl who I never got to become friends with because she started dating my ex. We'd gotten over that eventually but we never really became friends. I wish it was otherwise. She seems like a great person.

The beeping of my phone brings my attention back from wandering off. I notice I have a message and open it. It's from my manager.

Miley, I know you don't want to do this, but I really do think it would be best if you did. Call me. We'll talk it out, k?

I breath in and then out, as slowly as possible.

The conversation I had with my manager about a week ago plays over in my head.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Miley."

"What's up, Katie?"

"I have some exciting news."

"What is it?"

"You're going to go on tour!"

I squeal, "Really?"

"Yup! How awesome of a manager am I?"

I laugh,"Way awesome! So when is this tour?"

"In a month."

The smile on my face drops. An unsure feeling is nagging at me. "Isn't that a little too soon?"

"Don't worry about it."

"But I can't leave Liam now; he just got back from filming. And we've spent so much time apart."

"Come on, Miley. This is an opportunity of a lifetime."

"Well… I'll think about it, Ok?"

"Alright. But, um… there's something you should probably know."

"What?"

"You're going to be touring with the Jonases, Selena and Demi. You can't say no, Miley because this is your chance to put your career back on track and I worked really hard to get this contract. So think about it, Ok. I'll call you tomorrow, ok bye!" She says it so fast without a breath in between that it takes a second for it to hit me. And when it does, she's already hung up.

I had flat out refused. There was no doubt in my mind that that was the worst idea Katie, my usually level headed manager, had ever come up with.

My mom had tried to convince me to go as well, but I had said no.

Now that I think about it, it doesn't seem like the most horrible idea. I mean, I still think the Jonases, Selena, Demi and I together in a bus for a spells chaos.

But it's also a challenge. And that's exactly what I need right now to get my mind off the break-up. A distraction. I've been cooped up in my apartment the past few days, wallowing in self-pity and emptying out carton after carton of ice cream. It's time I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and started to shape my life up again.

I click on reply, typing in a message quickly.

I'll do it.

Am I really going to do this?

If I do, there's no going back…

My thumb lingers over the send button.

Fuck it. I've never been one to over analyze things before I do it. I make up my mind a second later, pressing down on send. I let out a huge breath i didn't realize i was holding in as my lips tug slightly upwards. This must be the craziest, most insane decision I've ever made. There, that sounds a bit like the old me, doesn't it?

Ok, so now that that's done, I guess I'll just have to wait and see if this backfires on me or not. I'm hoping for the not part.