ExorcistAllen: Well, another new LaviLena FF for you! I intend to make this a series of inter-connected SongFics.
Song: Just so you know by Jesse McCartney. Lyrics are mainly italic. From Lavi's POV. enjoy! please read and review. :D
Just So You Know
Lavi POV
I tried to stop thinking about her… but I can't.
Even though I knew it was all just an impossible dream, I wanted to believe in it and make it true, holding on to this little hope.
I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I force myself to concentrate on my history books, but I just couldn't do it. I just had to see her; just a glimpse would do… before I could be at ease.
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away
Bookman keeps reminding me of my purpose.
I tell him that I know and to stop nagging at me.
I hated it.
I try to act my cool and be my callous self.
I couldn't help it, all these new feelings that I didn't have before.
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop
I wanted to tell her everything.
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I tell myself to let her go. Stop all these useless emotions. It wouldn't benefit my purpose. I was going to become a Bookman. I asked myself, wasn't this my very first goal in the beginning? What has had become of me? Didn't I use to hate humans before?
I see you with him. Everywhere you go, he follows you. I can only look at you from a corner in jealousy and pain. The two of you look so happy together, always talking and laughing with each other. The perfect couple, they say, Allen Walker and Lenalee Lee. It seemed like Komui didn't even mind having Allen near his precious sister at all.
Even though I pretend that there's nothing wrong, it's hurting me inside.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
"It's time, Lavi. Change your name, your 50th alias."
Bookman knew it all along. He had warned me before several times… even before I became 'me'. That was why he had required me to change my name so many times. Should I be known as 'Dick', 'Lavi' or my other 47 aliases, I wasn't allowed to have a heart. "A bookman has no heart." He had solemnly warned.
Now he was sending me on a mission to a country far away, far away from 'home', away from her. Leave all your feelings as 'Lavi' behind and come back as a new you.
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know
I see her walking down the corridor, she smiles at me. Her gentle yet captivating smile, it captures my heart. When she calls my name, I can't breath. She looks so beautiful, her long, silky hair flowing in the wind. I just couldn't look away.
It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop
"Le…Lenalee!" I managed to call out.
She spins around and looks at me questioningly. "Yes Lavi? Is anything the matter?"
"I…I just wanted to tell you that I…" he stuttered out. 'I just wanted to tell you that I love you, Lenalee.' He wanted to say. Say it. Goddamn it. Just say it! It's now or never.
"I just wanted to tell you that… I'm going on a mission tomorrow." He looked down. He couldn't do it. He didn't have the courage to tell her. Why should he even bother? She liked Allen, and everybody knew that. How would she react to his sudden confession? Maybe she would be so shocked and wouldn't want to be his friend anymore.
"Tomorrow? So soon? Where are you heading? For how long?" she asked.
I smiled weakly. "I'll be going to Egypt, for about two years." At least she was concerned.
"Two years?! Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she said wide-eyed. "And Egypt is so far away!"
That was precisely why Bookman had assigned me to go there, far away from my emotions. I would come back anew, my memories refreshed. I wouldn't be 'Lavi' they knew anymore.
"Yea. Bookman asked me to study the pyramids there, lots of history in those stinky tombs."
"But… you'll be gone for so long. We'll miss you, Lavi, especially me."
My heart skipped a beat when I heard her say that. Especially me…
I gave her one of my rare flirty grins. For that, I received her 'Loving Iron Fist'. It hurt like hell but it was worth it. She looked so damn cute when she blushed.
I headed back to my room to pack for the trip. I guess I would never be able to pluck up the courage to express my feelings…
The next morning, I slung my rucksack full of books and my writing materials over my shoulder. I sighed. This was it.
Allen, Lenalee and surprisingly, Kanda were waiting to send me off.
"Lavi, we'll definitely miss you a lot. Remember to write back okay?" Allen said. "Che. Oi Usagi. Take care." Kanda grumbled and strode off. "Ah! Who knew that Yuu had a caring inner being?" I teased. But instead of slicing me with his Mugen, Kanda turned around and gave me his death glare before continuing back to his room.
I guess he knew that this was the last time I would be teasing him. After all, he was the only one that knew me since young and what my each long journey meant.
Lenalee approached me. "Lavi, take care okay? Here, this is for you." She said, handing me a colourfully decorated box.
"What is it?" I asked curiously, shaking the parcel slightly.
"A present. Open it."
I tore away the wrapping and opened the box. It was a beautiful green bandana with my name 'Lavi' stitched on it at the corner. I took off my old one and put it on. It fit perfectly.
"I made it myself. Hope you like it."
"Wow. Thank you, Lenalee. I love it." I said cheerfully.
"Hey Lavi, you better treasure it. Lenalee stayed up late last night just to make it." Allen said.
I was ecstatic. Lenalee had personally made something just for me! And what's more, she had stayed up late just to make it. But I knew that this happiness was short lived.
"Alright, we better get going." Bookman called from afar and headed out first.
"In a minute." I replied.
"Well, time to say goodbye guys."
"Bye Lavi, I guess I better get going too, Komui wanted to see me about something." Allen said and rushed off, waving his hands.
I turned and headed for the gate.
"Wait! Lavi!" the sweet voice called after me. I spun around and looked at her running towards me.
"Lavi… I erm… do you have anything to say to me before you leave?" she asked. She sounded somewhat hopeful, but I didn't know what she wanted to hear.
"Er… actually… nothing." I shrugged. It hurt so much to say goodbye. I just wanted to leave as soon as possible.
"Nothing at all? you know… any feelings… at least a proper goodbye." Lenalee said, avoiding my gaze. I gathered my courage, this was my last chance. I looked around. Good. No sign of Bookman, Allen and thankfully, Komui.
"Lenalee… actually I've always wanted to tell you this from the start. But I just couldn't gather the courage to tell you this…" I said, bending down to her level. "Just so you know, Lenalee, I'll always be here for you, no matter how far I am." I hugged her tightly in my arms, fearing to let go. "I love you, Lenalee…"
"Baka. That's what I've been waiting to hear…" she whispered in my ears, her breath tickling my skin. My heart jumped for joy. "You should have just told me right from the start…" she buried her face into my neck, sobbing.
I wiped away her tears and gave her a gentle smile.
Cupping her face in my hands, I kissed her gently, yet full of passion and love that I had for her. It felt so much like saying goodbye…
For once in my life, I felt that I had a true heart. Just for that short moment… but then it was gone again. Empty once more…
This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here
"Wait for me, Lenalee." I said and passed her my old bandana. "Remember me… the real me deep inside." And with that, I turned around and stepped out of the gate and caught up with Bookman…
Remember me, Lenalee…
