AN: This is a different take on my oneshot "That Which Is Lost". I took the oneshot and changed it to be the alternate way I imagined, and a story grew around it, revolving around Azula and Ty Lee and starting a family, and Azula's rather nasty past around it. It will be around 10ish chapters, each one dealing with a different stage in the process. Scenes from the oneshot are in this first chapter, because it didn't make sense to me to have people go read the oneshot in order to understand.
Pairing:
Azula x Ty Lee. Mai x Zuko as Izumi's parents.
Warnings:
Discussion of abortion, incest and rape (no depictions beyond dialogue and a brief not-descriptive memory).
Disclaimer:
Not mine, I just ship it.


Lost Wishes


Part One


Izumi is born on a very dim summer evening and Mai is in labor for nearly two days. Despite the absolute and utter horror of her two days of agony, Ty Lee looks at the little baby when it's finally out and how its golden eyes look at her, so alert, and she feels as if she completely wants one as well.

She once heard that people are much more likely to have children in the two years after their sibling has a child. Ty Lee's eyes keep flickering to Azula, who seems to be trying not to vomit, and she chews on her lip and wonders.

They have been married for a while, a while longer than Ty Lee would have ever imagined to happen. It is rocky, albeit, but Ty Lee never actually put much thought into she and Azula with children. Azula is not exactly the most mentally fit person, and Ty Lee loves babies but is genuinely no good with them. And they happen to both be women, which would make reproduction a tad difficult.

Izumi was an accident. But a cute little accident, darn it.

Ty Lee pushes the thought to the back of her mind as Zuko hesitantly allows Azula to hold his child, his ankles in a fighting stance.

"She's so delicate and fragile. I mean, if you dropped her, it would just─"

"That's enough holding her for you today, Azula," Zuko says sharply, his eyes flashing as he tears away the ruddy newborn before Azula has even fully taken her into her arms.

Azula just shrugs, pretending not to care. The baby looks so strangely alert as Ty Lee claps her hands excitedly because she gets to hold her.

The fluttering thoughts about Ty Lee and Azula becoming mothers disappear as Ty Lee is handed Izumi.

[X]

It is a month after Izumi is born in which those thoughts resurface. Azula is holding her without saying something threatening, and Zuko is watching anxiously as she does. With her small fingers, Izumi reaches up to Azula's bangs and wraps her fingers in the raven locks contentedly.

The glimmer in Izumi's golden eyes is immediately noticeable to Ty Lee, but less noticeable is the tiny glint in Azula's matching eyes.

They should, they should have a child, even if it would be difficult because they are both women. Even if Azula is not always mentally well and Ty Lee is sometimes (always) fairly selfish.

Ty Lee would love that.

[X]

Two months after Izumi is born, Azula and Ty Lee are sitting in a teashop, behind opaque screens so there is some semblance of privacy. Ty Lee truly does enjoy being a princess; it is exactly her lifestyle choice. They study the menu, although they will always end up ordering the same thing.

"You know what we should have?" Ty Lee suggests, her eyes wide as Azula looks at the menu.

"Hm?" is all Azula responds with, of course, in the haughtiest way her throat can manage. Why Ty Lee loves her, she sometimes has no clue.

"Maybe jasmine tea and those cinnamon cakes and a baby."

Azula sets down her menu. "I am actually hoping that you are suggesting cannibalism."

Ty Lee frowns at that, startled that Azula had such an adverse reaction to the suggestion. She loves Izumi, even if she refuses to admit it. But she absolutely wants to hold her all the time and smirks at her when she thinks people are not looking and Ty Lee sees no reason why she would shoot it down so quickly.

"No, I'm suggesting that we have a baby," Ty Lee says, grinning and hoping Azula will just think she is too stupid to have picked up the evident cue to drop the matter without discussing it.

Azula looks at Ty Lee for a moment and then shoots a warning glare at the waitress walking towards them, whom nearly falls on her face turning around and leaving.

"You do realize that I'm the one who has to be pregnant in this situation," Azula says quietly, and Ty Lee does not like that volume level. It makes her uneasy. "Not that any child of mine would sit on the throne even if everyone in the royal family died in a tragic accident except for he or she, but I do insist that my child is at least eligible. And I don't want to be pregnant. So, no."

[X]

"Spectacular golden-tongued sunflower!" Ty Lee shouts and Azula jumps and flinches. "Perfect. That's perfect, right?"

Azula is not sure if she is serious or not. "A bit... long."

Izumi is two, Azula and Ty Lee have been married for five years, and Ty Lee has entirely dropped her request for them to have a baby, as much as she thinks about it. She is now trying to persuade Azula to let her give her a nickname, a quest that has taken about a decade to reach this point.

Ty Lee is trembling with excitement over Azula simply allowing her to blurt out whichever nickname she likes best. But Ty Lee is not sure if she came prepared with very good nicknames.

They are lounging in bed, half dressed, Azula in just her underwear and wrapped in the soft silk blankets as she smirks at her wife's attempts to think of a good nickname.

Not that Azula intends to accept any of the nicknames for a second.

"My gorgeous pure-bred poodlemonkey?" Ty Lee suggests, batting her eyelashes.

Azula tries not to grimace and replies, "If you had gone tiger-monkey, that could've worked better."

"Perfect cerulean seashell?"

"Do seashells even come in that shade?"

"Stunning azure sunrise!"

"Put a pin in that one."

And then they are both silent for a moment, and Azula thinks that they are going to drift off to sleep. Ty Lee wraps herself around Azula, gradually, yet entirely, and Azula yawns as she feels the embrace.

"Can I bring up something I've really tried to forget?" Ty Lee whispers into Azula's ear and it does not sound sexy at all.

"I don't see why not," Azula replies airily, closing her eyes.

"Can we actually... talk about the baby thing?" Ty Lee offers and Azula hides how startled she is. She thought that Ty Lee had bored of it over a year ago, and Azula was grateful.

"There's nothing to talk about," Azula says icily under her breath, and she pulls herself away from Ty Lee, not even turning around to see the acrobat's tiny frown on her sweet coral pink lips.

[X]

Two weeks later, Ty Lee still has not given up. Azula may think she still has the power, but Ty Lee has developed a backbone over the years and she will not stop until Azula at least discusses the prospect of the two of them having a family.

"I don't want to talk about it, and you have no right to insist," Azula snarls, her sharp fingernails digging into the mattress.

She and Ty Lee lie together, moonlight making patterns of chiaroscuro on their skin. Ty Lee has brought up the question of family for the thousandth time and Azula, instead of becoming more sympathetic, is gradually becoming more vicious and defensive. It confuses Ty Lee, fills her with bubbling, fizzling anger.

Ty Lee breathes a small sigh and decides not to prod Azula any further tonight. But they have been married for nearing six years, and all Ty Lee wants at this point is a little baby with shimmering golden eyes and dark, shiny hair.

It is ridiculous, maybe, but she does not understand why Azula will not at least talk. Just a few sentences is all it takes. They are married and it has been a long time since Ty Lee just quietly obeyed Azula. She will not give in.

Azula gets up, however, and leaves the room. Ty Lee ponders following her for a moment, but ultimately decides against it. Sometimes her outbursts require someone to hold her until it passes, and other times, she just needs to isolate herself.

The way Azula's illness goes can be troubling, and Ty Lee will stand by her.

But if that is the case, then she should say it, instead of just being frigid and cruel.

[X]

In the morning, Azula is back in bed beside Ty Lee, sleeping peacefully. Ty Lee strokes her face and gently tucks her astray bangs behind her ear before getting up and walking to find Zuko. She needs outside help at this point to figure out why Azula is so strongly against a family.

Even if she does not want that with Ty Lee, which would hurt, she is a princess, and would likely want to have a child legible for the throne. It is exactly the kind of thing that Azula would want.

"Zuko," Ty Lee murmurs, knocking on his office door. He looks up, surprised to see her. She does not usually talk to him, although he does consider them to be friends. "Can I talk to you? It's about Azula."

"Yeah, sure, come in," Zuko says, suddenly looking concerned. He gets that face every time anyone is worried about Azula, and Ty Lee supposes that he has every right.

"Why doesn't she want to have babies with me?" Ty Lee asks bluntly, before Zuko can even ask her how she is doing. "It's a normal couple thing for couples to do. I see her watch Izumi, and the look in her eyes, and how well they get along. Why wouldn't she want one of her own?"

There is a deafening silence.

Zuko opens and closes his mouth, before managing to respond, "It probably has something to do with our father. I completely lost it when Mai told me she was pregnant, because I was so... scared of being like him."

Ty Lee scratches her arm and says softly, "But she isn't her father."

Zuko rubs his face. Ty Lee watches him slowly, and how his fingers linger on his scar. And then she thinks of the scar on his chest from Azula. With a small swallow, Ty Lee acknowledges that Azula has been compared to her father far more times than Zuko has been compared to Ozai.

"Maybe you should talk to her," Zuko offers and Ty Lee picks at her lower lip.

"I've tried talking to her," Ty Lee replies, trying not to roll her eyes. Zuko cocks an eyebrow. "Okay, I've tried begging her to have babies. Maybe... that's not, uh, how I should approach things." And at Ty Lee's revelation, Zuko nods.

He does not know if Azula should have a child. She still struggles to even manage herself. Some days are fine for her, some are quite a bit harder.

But Zuko supposes that that doesn't mean she should brush aside all aspects of a normal human life and embrace the role of the crazy, broken princess.

[X]

Ty Lee finds Azula training beneath the sunlight, cerulean flames bursting forth from her fingertips. The stunning orange sunlight sparkles and shines in her hair, caressing her body. She looks beautiful in the sunlight, so far from what she becomes in the shadows of the night, when Ty Lee has to pulled her out of her nightmares.

"I'm sorry for pestering you so much about, uh, babies," Ty Lee says as forcefully as she can, scratching her neck with her legs tightly pressed together.

Azula slowly exhales smoke and removes herself from her fighting posture. She swallows and turns to Ty Lee.

"I don't blame you. Seeing Izumi is enough to make someone want it. And don't you have like four nephews or something?" Azula is intentionally not making eye contact with Ty Lee, and she does not know what to make of it. "But we're not doing it."

Ty Lee has to wrestle with her tongue to keep silent. Finally, she exhales and loosens her limbs. "Azula, just because your parents sucked doesn't mean that you will."

"I think I would be an exemplary parent." She has an expression that would freeze lava. Ty Lee clenches her jaw in frustration. "But it's not happening, and stop asking. You can, by all means, go knock yourself up with one of your ex-boyfriends."

"So... you're afraid of pregnancy?" Ty Lee clearly said something wrong, because Azula burns a rather large tree to a crisp and walks away faster than lightning.

Ty Lee grumbles a few curses to herself and decides to investigate this further. She contemplates Ursa, but she doubts she has any idea and Ty Lee has no desire to make the journey and then explain herself to her wife. Mai might have some idea, but she will immediately tell Azula because she is the least trustworthy person who ever lived ─ more so even than... Ozai.

And that seals Ty Lee's thoughts. She decides she will go to the source of many of Azula's fears, and figure out just why her wife absolutely refuses to have a child.

[X]

Ty Lee is guided through several levels of security in order to see the former Fire Lord Ozai. Her belongings are searched, her body is searched, and by the time it is all finished, she has solidified in her mind what she wants to discuss with him.

She sits down at a table in the prison and finds it to be surprisingly nice. Once Azula was here for two weeks after losing it in the middle of a teahouse, but Ty Lee stayed hooked to her cell the entire time, not bothering with visitor's rooms.

"Circus whore, how nice to see you," is Ozai's comment as he is shackled to the table. Ty Lee holds her tongue, as difficult as that is for her.

"I'm here to talk to you about your daughter," Ty Lee says as firmly as she can. He is startled by the strength in her words. She always seemed weak to him, too weak for Azula. She made Azula weak.

"Yes?" He supposes this is more interesting than his day would have been without her showing up. Although, when he was told a Fire Nation princess was visiting, he was hoping for another.

"It's a bit... odd for me to discuss this with you," Ty Lee admits, tugging at her braid. Now she seems more like the wimp Ozai imagines her as. "We've been married for six years, and I see how she looks at Izumi, and I want a child with her. I would just do it to myself, but there's the whole aspect of the duty to the Fire Nation of producing at least one legitimate heir."

"The chance of Azula's child ruling the Fire Nation is slim to none," Ozai says with a sigh, although he does dislike the idea of his daughter raising a child that has no connection to his blood. "But continue, it is... right."

"She's scared, and Azula isn't scared of much," Ty Lee says softly.

Ozai pauses. "She's probably afraid she'll be like her mother. Zuko showed up a thousand times to visit me when that girl was pregnant."

Ty Lee squints at him for a moment.

"...no. That's not it," she says. She does not need Azula's skills of observation to tell he is withholding information. "She thinks you were a wonderful father, and she may hate her mother, but she would rather rip out her own fingernails than compare herself to Ursa. Why is she afraid, Ozai?"

He pauses, rubbing his chin. It would be best to insist that Azula was worried about being a bad parent, but he does think he knows.

Her screaming, screaming and screaming, breathing fire until she just choked and tore at his skin with her nails. His own panic when he thought she would die. He genuinely thought she would that night, when she slipped out of consciousness.

"Ask her about Spring 98 AG, the night she nearly died." And at that, Ozai gestures to be taken away, as he has no desire to play games with the circus whore any longer.

Ty Lee squints at him as he is taken away by guards who are far too respectful. The information is both useful and frustrating, and she wonders why she has to unravel an entire mystery in order to find out why her wife is too scared to start a family with her.

Ty Lee was fourteen... Azula and Mai were as well. That's all Ty Lee can really think of. It was after she ran away to join the circus. The night she nearly died is the scary part of the whole thing. Azula has many things in her past she refuses to talk about, even when she screams about them or hallucinates them.

This is likely one of them.

[X]

"Azula," Ty Lee mumbles as she combs her wife's hair out of its topknot, as she does every night. "Can I ask you something and you won't get angry and burn anything?"

"No promises," Azula replies airily.

"Tell me about Spring 98 AG, the night you nearly died."

She does not burn anything, but her fingernails make a disgusting sound as they dig into the base of the mirror.

"This is about your whole start a family thing," Azula snaps, standing up and not even reacting when a chunk of her hair is torn out by the golden brush. "That is none of your business."

"Azula..." Ty Lee sighs. She does not know why she tried to pursue this so far. "I'm going to be honest. I wouldn't usually go to these, y'know, lengths for things. I usually just let you do what you want... even if I don't want that. But this is really important to me. I always wanted children, or at least one."

Azula looks at her feet. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Why not?" Ty Lee snaps.

"Not by choice. I mean, I genuinely don't know if I can."

Realization across Ty Lee's face that makes Azula queasy.

Ty Lee whispers, "But that would be... that would be bad... you were the last of your line then."

"I know. Take it up with my father." Azula hesitates. Now her face flickers with realization. "He's the only one who could've told you that. Did you go see him? Behind my back? Are you that obsessed with this family thing that you would ─ you would..."

Ty Lee stares at her fingers and her cheeks flush ruddy with shame. "I didn't know it would... I just thought you were worried like Mai and Zuko were. I thought if I talked to him, maybe he would know what to say to make you less worried. Not that you weren't able to have... you could've told me and I wouldn't have minded."

"I don't actually know," Azula admits, sighing. She sits down and controls her breathing. She can feel the panic stirring in her and does not want it to escalate. She had imagined the blood even before she started being accompanied by regular hallucinations. "I don't know because I never received a proper medical evaluation, beyond, there might be internal scarring."

"What happened?" Ty Lee does not know if she wants to know.

Azula struggles. She does not talk about her past or her feelings or anything that would make her seem other than perfect. But she supposes it is time. She supposes she has to trust Ty Lee... she did marry her, after all.

"I got knocked up, my father did something stupid to try to get rid of it, I bled so much that I went through three bags of clothes trying to stem it. I was unconscious. He apologized, and it was one of his only genuine apologies, but I think it was only because he almost killed me and ruined his line permanently... perhaps he did ruin his line permanently," Azula breathes. "I kept... screaming for him to stop but he didn't. It's his fault."

The room is silent. Ty Lee does not know what to say to that.

Azula adds, "And I haven't bled since then, so I'm leaning on the side of me not having any children of my own. I suppose that's what happens when you hit your daughter's womb with lightning."

Ty Lee grimaces and then regrets showing a facial expression at all. It seems to only unnerve Azula further.

Azula just shrugs, regains her composure. Her face is cold again, she detaches herself from the emotions she feels towards that night in order to prevent them from affecting her.

"I'm going for a walk."

"It's raining..." But Azula is gone, and Ty Lee feels guilt washing over her.

[X]

She thinks it will make him... love her. The baby, which is a ridiculous thought, but she is also very young and she has no idea why it is ridiculous.

Father does love her, she supposes. If he did not love her, she would not be pregnant. Right? If he did not love her, she would be like Zuko. Still, Azula just hopes that this isn't going to be treated as something horrible she has done, when she had no choice in it happening.

But the response is not what she expects. He looks afraid first as she chews on her lip and waits for his response. She does not know why she is so excited, but she is. She has been alone for so long, Zuko gone, mother gone, and now she will be less alone.

"You should lie down," Ozai says and Azula nods, obeying him more eagerly than she usually would.

She will not be alone anymore. He will love her. She has only sought his love, just like Zuko did, just like any person would.

After she lies down, thinking of her changing life, she does not predict what will happen next.

"No, no," screaming, and Ozai hates her screaming, but he knows what must be done. "No! No, stop, please, no...!"

It hurts and Azula screams, and he is not sure if it is rage or pain. Electricity.

Dead. He killed it.

And then she bleeds. Then she has a fever.

Mistakes, so many mistakes.

[X]

Azula is soaking wet, cold and smells like leaves when she lies down beside Ty Lee, who is pretending to sleep. She could not sleep after what she caused. How could she?

"Azula," Ty Lee whispers, deciding to face her fears. "Azula." And she wraps the soaking, cold princess in her warm, dry arms. "Azula, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're not the one who did it." Azula turns over and slips beneath the blankets, out of reach yet in Ty Lee's arms.

Ty Lee is not sure if she broke Azula or if she has sparked something, but she just leans against the princess and her cold, damp skin. It makes her shiver but she does not want to let her go.

"I don't need it," Ty Lee lies and Azula knows she is lying.

But the princess is thoroughly and utterly silent. And then Azula squeezes her eyes shut and opens them again.

"I do want a child with you. Of course I do, playing with Izumi I think about it," Azula says softly, drying her hair on a pillowcase. "I just don't want to face the fact that I might not be able to."

It is more honest and personal than Ty Lee has ever seen Azula in her life. Even when she wakes screaming or has panic attacks, she has not been this emotionally raw. Her walk obviously did not help her calm down at all.

"I will always love you, even if you can't," Ty Lee says softly, kissing the princess's damp shoulder that tastes faintly of autumn.

"I'm well aware," Azula says coolly, and any emotion and weakness is gone from her.

[X]

The next day, Ty Lee watches Azula play with Izumi and can only think about the child they never will have. It does not matter which of them has it anymore, because neither of them are going to have it and Ty Lee is sure of it.

Azula was already out of bed when Ty Lee woke up, and Ty Lee imagined she did not want to talk about it anymore. Ty Lee is riddled with regret about bringing up what happened to her in the first place, but she was relieved when she slipped into the courtyard and found Azula with their niece.

Not irreparably broken; never irreparably broken.

It takes so much more than that to bring her down.

They are in the courtyard, and Azula seems to make her so happy. Because Izumi has no idea; she is the first in a generation that will only know of the war as something in the past, and not something that permeates every aspect of life. She is the first in a generation in her family not born into the malice and loathing and abuse of the royal family.

And there are so many things about Azula and her father and her mother that she will never understand. Ty Lee cannot help but think of that as her conversation with Ozai continues to echo in her head. She had a lengthy nightmare about what happened to Azula last night and that gives her gooseflesh as well.

Ty Lee watches Azula play with Izumi and can only think about the child they will never have.

Even if she and Azula both want to change that.


tbc