A/N: Hey, everyone. It might not look like it, but I am one of the few people in this world who liked Sakura from the beginning. The same goes for Sasuke and Naruto, although that's definitely not a rarity. :P This is not bashing, it's a parody. I love the characters, that's why I feel like playing with them a little. Other pairings may follow this one, depending on my free time and the reception of this chappie! Enjoy and please leave a review; they make me smile as if being treated to ice-cream, only they're calorie-free and don't melt.

I don't own Naruto and no Team Sevens were harmed in the making of this parody. Er, almost.

Legendary day #1

When Sasuke fell for Sakura

"Sasuke-kun…"

Sakura was excited; it was quite evident in her ever-colorful voice, now laced with a shadow of nervousness. After all these years she still felt like an insignificant pink mob when he was near. Also, she was currently trying to refrain from exploding into a thousand pink mob pieces.

Sasuke had finally returned. Why and how that happened, you may ask? Well, now… The crucial questions behind his sudden appearance were seemingly ignored by everyone, including his long-term friends and former teacher. Never mind that they had all almost had a seizure until the Uchiha had the epiphany to return. Never mind that Naruto had threatened him in the past that he'd chew his right arm and make barbecue with his toes unless he dragged his sorry ass back to Konoha. Never mind that Sakura herself had nearly developed breast cancer from excessive worrying. No, never mind that. Sasuke had returned and that was all that mattered. After all, there's no need to bore the readers with a boring, boring, boring and ohmygodsoboring plot that would surely bore them to death and leave them utterly bored in front of their screens. And did I mention how boring coming up with even a basic plot is? Boring. I know. So, we're going to make a deal, okay?

Sasuke returned to Konoha………. -I know you're currently enveloped in expectant silence but let me at least have my moment of glory- ………Sasuke finally returned to Konoha………. DUN DUN DUN! ...because I said so!

Hee hee hee, I'm such a great writer. Shush, you. Back to my amazing, heart-wrenching romance.

"Sasuke- kun…?" Sakura repeated, after she received no answer for what was considered more time necessary for a normal person to process such a question and produce a reply. Sakura was well aware of that time. That's why she rarely repeated questions when addressing Naruto.

Sasuke slowly averted his gaze from the random tree he had been passionately scorching with his sizzling onyx gaze for the previous half-hour and graced Sakura with an apathetic look.

Seriously, it was like they were back to point zero, as if they hadn't saved each other's lives so many times, shared life-scarring experiences or gushed with worry- the latter mostly in Sakura'a case. In fact, Sasuke, being the cool, hot, room-temperature guy that he was, knit his eyebrows slightly. Did he even know this girl?

He voiced his question.

"Do I know you?"

With an audible DANG! Sakura's eyes widened to perfect white circles.

"What do you mean, Sasuke-k- k-" She forced herself to include the usual kun, but a rivulet of blood left the inside of the body and said "hi, fellas!" to the outer world via her left nostril. She gritted her teeth.

"Don't you remember," she spit, fists curled and ready for the 3- 2- 1- GO!! signal, "…your friend Sakura? Team Seven?"

Sasuke's apathetic face looked slightly less apathetic as he searched his memory. The girl took a few calming breaths, looking at the forest they were randomly thrown in because I've said it before and I'll say it again- plots are booooooring. Sakura tried to let Mother Nature calm her down. The wind was blowing merrily, leaves were rustling, flowers were shining with delicate dew-drops, bunnies were humping each other, bugs were being collected by Shino, (she unclenched her fists- it had started working,) birds were chirping, newborn puppies were rolling themselves over crap…

And then, suddenly, it stopped working.

"Oh, Sakura… Right. The annoying, good-for-nothing fangirl. I remember now. And I vaguely remember you getting even uglier at some point… It must have been the haircut," he concluded.

Without wasting another second, he resumed the tree examining. Because, well, he was Sasuke. And, duh! Sasuke doesn't need a reason for being cool or weird. It's not like he witnessed the annihilation of his clan or anything.

Still, Sakura didn't give a damn about his stupid past. Becayse it's not like Sakura too was understanding or caring. Nope. She was just Useless Pink Mob, hastily thrown in the series because all the other female characters that were perfectly suited for the main heroine role were occupied with writing fanfiction or studying for exams.

So, Sakura, the heartless little bitch, was fuming. Inner Sakura wanted to cheer her on but she was busy carefully picking newborn puppies to skin alive.

"WHAT?" she barked, in honor of the puppy sacrifices.

Sasuke sighed and mumbled "how annoying…" to himself, hands crossed over his chest.

Then, I, the author, went to have a glass of water, lost my concentration and completely screwed over the flow of my epic romance. Oh, well. Best not to keep the readers waiting anyway.

Hee hee hee… (cough) ZOMG, THEY LUURV EACH OTHER!!123! REVIEWS!!112!1 SQUEEE!!11 (cough)

Sasuke lazily spared Sakura a second, more attentive look, and immediately regretted his words. His super ninja reflexes alerted him to the fact that his jaw was free falling to the grass below them, so he expertly caught it in impressive slow motion. Cue cool, victorious ninja music.

Sakura had changed so much since he had last seen her! She had gotten taller, and she actually had an above zero sized chest! And she was taller. And she had breasts. And she was taller. And that's about it.

Sasuke was stunned beyond words at this unexpected metamorphosis. He blinked once, twice and started daydreaming… about her in a princess dress, the sweet cinnamon smell of freshly baked cookies... two children with strawberry hair and dark eyes playing carelessly, as his wife, Uchiha Sakura, stared at him adoringly, the light cascading on her short hair making it look like the Almighty himself had spit his bubblegum directly on his love's head…

Sasuke could bear it no longer.

"Marry me," he said out of the blue.

Sakura stared at him. And then she kept staring at him, Inner Sakura holding a skinless puppy over a bowl of chow mein sauce, equally stunned.

Slowly, she narrowed her eyes in suspicion. Yet the young man didn't seem deterred by his future love's lack of enthusiasm at all.

"Marry me!" he wailed. "Let's skip together in the sunset and have hot sex on the beach! I want to remember about my past no more! And screw my raging hate for my brother, I'll go find him tomorrow to kiss and make up. The whole world is beautiful when you're in love, o fair maiden! Now I shall rise and we shall waltz in the forest! For... I... I... will aaaaaaaaalways love youuuuuu ouuu ouuu..."

His eyes were filled with red, bouncing hearts and he was drooling.

The hearts were replaced by starts as soon as he made a move to stand up. He also sported a brand new knob the size of a dragon's egg on his forehead, courtesy of Sakura.

He looked in wonder at his newly found love, a cute pout plastered all over his handsome features, making him look constipated.

"L- Love?" he stammered as Sakura's enormous shadow hovered over him in a rather threatening way.

Sakura took a deep breath… a very deep breath….an extremely deep breath, until she was beet red.

And then…

An eye twitched.

"NARUTOOOOOOOOOOO, you baka!You're going to die."