Title: Subconscious

Author: Lori

Email: soap_queen@hotmail.com

Category: Angst/Standalone

Spoilers: 'Be Still My Heart/All in the Family', 'Day For Knight' 'The Student' 'On The Beach' 'Calling Dr. Hathaway', 'Such Sweet Sorrow', 'Impulse Control' (Not necessarily in that order)

A/N: Carter's been pissing me off all season. That said, last night was kind of my final straw so this is my venting. That and my other ER story 'Changes' which I swear I'm going to update soon.

"And you're perfect, right Carter?" She stood in a gown of white, her hair framing her face.

"Go away," he turned away from her.

"Can't. Not until you wake up and even then I'll probably be there in your head. Haven't I always been?"

"No."

"Who's lying now? Oh, wait. I forgot, it's okay for you to lie, make mistakes, and push people away but God forbid anyone else do it, right?"

"I'm waking up now."

"Nah. You're tired. You've had a long day and it's a long flight. Besides the in-flight movie sucks. Should've chartered a plane."

"I don't want to dream anymore. I especially don't want to dream about you."

"Why not? Afraid of me? I'm dead Carter. There's nothing for you to be afraid of."

He turned back towards her and pointed at her, "I'm not talking to you anymore."

"What was that patient's name? The one that Dale Edson almost killed by not getting a full history? Gunson? Gunnerson?"

"Gunderson," John said quietly.

"And you don't even like Dale."

"What the hell are you, my conscience?"

"You told Neela to be a shark."

"I wanted her to do her best and stop being so shy."

"You have a thing with water Carter?"

"What?"

"Well, you thought I could swim."

"You misled me."

"And you nearly killed a woman by giving her sulfa. Of course you were high as a kite at the time but people overlooked that fact until Abby told Mark she'd seen you shooting up in a trauma room," she slid down into a sitting position. "He says 'hi' by the way."

"I'd rather he was here."

"Sorry, you don't get to choose the form of your spirit. It's a subconscious thing."

"My problems had their reason. You, of all people, should know that."

"Guilt. You didn't kill me Carter."

"Then why are you here?"

"A reminder. You're not perfect but you expect everyone around you to be. Neela, Abby, Michael, your parents, and lastly, me."

"I knew you weren't perfect."

"Not at the beginning. I like to think we would've gotten past that if I hadn't met the business end of that knife."

"Are we done?"

"That all depends."

"On what?"

"Why do you think I'm here?"

"To remind me that I'm just as big a screw up as Michael and Neela."

"No. To remind you that you are a good teacher John. You just have to remember that Neela's there to be taught. You were on to something with that whole water thing. But you can't throw people into the deep end."

"I was trying to-"

"Make up for past mistakes. Carter, you didn't kill me. You were a good teacher. But stop trying to make every student into your perfect reflection. Everyone's different. Being Peter Benton's student should've taught you at least that, if nothing else."

"Lucy-"

"Don't be sorry. Just stop holding people up to some impossible standard. They always fall. Always."

John nodded.

"You'll wake up soon."

"Will I remember this?"

"I'm hard to forget for you."

"Not funny."

"Not even a little bit. Oh and Carter?"

"What?"

"Kem's a skank. I know you think she's perfect for you and that she's given you the something that's been missing in your life but no one falls in love that fast. Watch out for her."

John wanted to argue but some part of him wouldn't let him. He nodded, "Alright. Lucy-"

"I know," she smiled. "I know."

"Will I see you again?"

"Not unless you act like a hypocritical idiot again."

"So, I'll see you soon."

"Probably. Bye John."

"Bye Lucy."