A hint of aniseed.

1. Subconscious.

T: Warnings of angst, crack tinges, Kyoto spoilers, a pick and mix characterisation of Hisoka as well as everyone/everything else and slash. I own nothing you see other than the plot bunny.


It takes almost a full month of midnight Sudoku and a string of random games involving the shifting shadows on his bedroom ceiling, for him to swallow just a little of his pride, as well as the larger portion of his common sense and talk to Watari.

The visit had actually proven wonderfully helpful and he'd been filled with a comforting sense of optimism until the very moment that the potion had made its appearance.

It'd been very much in the almost trademarked vein of Watari potions, what with the unnatural hue and smoky halo, thus he'd simply pushed it back in the scientists direction and, in his own deeply loveable manner, had said,

"I'm not desperate, Watari-san."

Bright, bright, smile burning as the sun there on his face, the other had thrust the thing back towards him and responded,

"This isn't like all the other lotions and potions, Bon." Then, in a perfectly executed piece of emotional manipulation, he'd enquired, "Don't you trust me?"

He should have known better, should have implemented the same 'ice prince' routine that he used on his infantile partner every time that he attempted to wheedle an entirely unnecessary desert…

In reality he'd taken one look at the big, kitten like, eyes fixed upon him and, tired beyond all practical use of the word, he'd crumpled like a sodden newspaper.

The vaguest hint of aniseed tingling on his tongue and hot, viscous, steam drifting down his windpipe, he'd felt Watari's mood shift into something all together mischievous. He'd been on the outside of such a mood many times before and he'd known, far too well, what it heralded.

Thus he couldn't help the little rush of confusion that'd caught him one it'd become clear that there is to be no unusual or alarming side effects. But an instant later Watari had remarked,

"Ah ha! I knew that you didn't quite trust me,"

"I honestly didn't mean anything by it, Watari-san, it's just…"

"Just?"

"A few moments ago it felt a little as though you'd been scheming something."

For a brief instant the scientist had felt almost shifty and then he was sweeping him into a firm, one armed, hug and projecting a wave of almost over powering innocence.

"Ah, what you sensed there was my excitement for a well rounded product that is guaranteed to fulfil precisely the need it was created for."

Headache niggling at the very base of his scull he'd gently prised the arm from around his shoulder and enquired,

"Is there anything else?"

"The after taste of the aniseed is going to linger for a while I'm afraid." The other responds before enquiring, "Let me know about any other random little side effects, ok?"

"Oh I will." Leaving that very thinly veiled threat lingering there in the air he'd strolled back to the office.


Tsuzuki all but pounces on him as he steps over the threshold, a frenzied concern all but eclipsing the usual chaotic, contradictory, broil of his emotions.

"So?"

He takes a long, long. Look at the other and, shrugging his coat off his shoulders, parrots,

"So?"

"So what did Watari say?" There is nothing but idle curiosity on the enquiry and yet,

"Tsuzuki?"

"Yes?"

"How did you know that I'd gone to see Watari?"

A spike of panic negates the broad, naive, smile that spreads onto the other's lips and makes the response of, "you must of mentioned it yesterday, " even more futile.

"And now the truth, Tsuzuki," a long silence follows the words and then, eyes not quite meeting his own, the elder enquires,

"Do you remember back when I was having those silly little nightmares and you started feeling so worried that you let me steal your couch for a few days?"

The mental image of violet eyes peeking at him from the folds of various, well loved, blankets had sprung, forcefully, into his head and, cheeks flushing despite his greatest effort, he'd enquired,

"Why is this relevant, Tsuzuki?"

"Promise you won't get mad?" The look that accompanies the pathetically childish enquiry is filled with such desperate hopefulness that, though he knows he would come to regret it, he's responded,

"I promise."

"I felt so warm and safe at your house that it became like a little haven for me and so when the nights got really bad…"

"Tsuzuki, are you trying to tell me that you've been sneaking yourself into my apartment at night?"

"I'm so sorry, 'soka, I stopped the instant that you started getting restless, you know, just in case it was my emotions keeping you up, but even then you looked more and more tired as the days went on and then you were late today and…"

He raises a hand to stop the rambling before it goes any further and, once certain that there would be no interruption, he'd enquired,

"Next time you feel insecure and want a little company, Tsuzuki, then ask, ok?"

Blinding smile springing onto his lips Tsuzuki gives him a firm, swift, hug, utters a chirpy "thank you, 'soka," then slinks back to his desk.

Mumbling under his breath about overly sappy partners he settles down at his own desk and swiftly looses himself in the simple pleasure of his work,

At midday precisely Tsuzuki kidnaps him for a long lunch at a little ramen bar that was, apparently, his current favourite and then, with a subtly that had to be begrudgingly admired, talks him into treating him to Crepes from Harajuku.

He manages only half of the creamy, fluffy, pudding, before his eyes grow heavy and he slumps, ungracefully, into his partner.

"Perhaps you should have a half day today," Tsuzuki remarks as he runs gentle fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.

Shivering he pulls just that little tighter and, mumbling some half felt assent, allows his eyes to slide closed.

He stirs in the familiar warmth of his bed, head muzzy with half recalled dreams and the soft touch of his partner's fingers.

Flushing he buries himself a little deeper under his covers and, making a mental note to apologise to Watari, drifts back to sleep.

He dreams of fire, of hot, acidic, smoke and the smell of charring flesh.

He dreams of strong arms shielding him from the flames, of eyes of the brightest amethyst and the dark void beyond.

He'd dreamed of returning the embrace, of stealing the breath from those ever smiling lips and of the spark of desire that wells in him at the contact.

He'd dreamed of giving himself completely, of the sure, certain, confidence instilled by mutual affection…

When he eventually wakes he is both confused and so palpably lonely that the emotion is almost as a weight there on his shoulders.

Kyoto had brought him to realise how truly treasured his partner was to him and yet, in his naivety, he had believed the attachment fraternal in nature. However, the desire that he had felt in the dream, that he felt still, could in no way be seen as 'brotherly' or, indeed, 'platonic'.

He yearned for his partner's touch…yearned for the chance to touch the other in return…

Feeling so very lost, so very alone, he transports himself into Watari's lab, an instant after which he is being guided into a chair and gifted with a blanket and a warm, sweet, cup of tea.

"Ok, so what's the story, Bon?"

"The potion worked and I slept better than I think I've ever slept, however…"

"You had a pretty vivid dream, right?" There is an edge of chagrin to the question and, fixing the other in his gaze, he enquires,

"Watari, what did do?"

"Right, so the truth is that I did put something in that potion. The symptoms you were describing spoke of an insomnia born of a subconscious concern and so…"

"You gave me something that would help me confront that concern?"

"Correct."

He allows the silence to weave around him a moment and then,

"It was a dream of Tsuzuki."

Colouring ever so slightly the scientist enquires,

"You mean 'that sort' of dream?"

"Yes."

"Then why come to me? Why not go directly to him and make the thing a real?" He tenses the very instant the suggestion is made and, nodding gently, the scientist says, "Because you don't think such a thing would ever be possible."

"What is there in me to deserve affection, let alone attraction, Watari?"

"You know I think the saddest thing is that you believe the only valid answer to that question is 'nothing." The response is followed by another moment of silence and then, "I'm going to show you how much you are truly worth, Bon."

The words seem as little more than an attempt at placating him and yet they contain such a selfless kindness that they pull from him the softest of smiles,

"I'm going to go and attempt a little more sleep and you can start with the confidence counselling in the morning, okay?"

"I look forward to it."

T: second and final part asap, until then R+R??