this is incredibly self-indulgent. im lowkey terrified.
end me.
IN THE COMPANY OF HORRORS
PROLOGUE
EREN
claws that catch
Fear and sulfur clings to their clothes, their hair, their skin. It's thick and cloying, suffocating in this midsummer heat. Humidity does none of us any favors. A couple of the kids smell like wolves, pups still growing into their fur, and they're probably having a hell of a time trying to breathe through the mess. All I know is I'm going to have to scrub the kids down for days to get the odor of filth and dried blood off of them.
A twig snaps behind us and fear spikes harshly in my nose. Levi's little arms try their level best to choke me, trembling anew; he's had his face smashed against my neck since I got him out of that dank cabin, and I worry this is going to stick with him, with all of them, for a long time.
Fuck everything about this situation. I wish I could bring those jackals back so I can rip them apart again.
"S'alright, sweetheart," I soothe. A quick look to the side tells me what I already know: one of the kids tripped, is all. I would have sensed if we were being followed. "Nothin' to worry about. You're safe. We're all safe and we're goin' home. Look, see?" I nudge the side of his head with my nose. He doesn't budge and I don't force it; he'll feel better once he's safe and sound in bed. "I can see the lights from here. We're almost home."
That's mostly true; my sight is significantly better than theirs, but they can still see what looks like a twinkle of stars in the distance. It'll be a while before we get there.
I chance a glance down at the two clutching at my shredded jeans. Armin, too, is trembling against me, his big blue eyes staring at the distant town lights with hope. Mikasa, bless her, is putting on a brave face for me. She's only a year older than the boys. I wonder how much older they'll be after tonight.
"How y'all holdin' up?" I look back at the handful of children huddling close, holding onto me and each other as best as they can without falling all over the place. "Everybody okay?"
A subdued chorus of, "yes," immediately answers me, and I know it's a lie, but I let them keep it. Poor things have gone through hell for who knows how long. The oldest can't be more than thirteen, if that. They're allowed to not be okay.
I'm not okay, either. I haven't told my little ones about what's waiting for them once we get back to town, and I don't know how I'm going to. I keep telling myself there hasn't been time, but we've been walking through the forest for most of the day. I could have made time. It's a nasty surprise to come home to. Mama Kuchel won't be in the best shape to break it to them. Kenny might. Goddess knows he's got an unrivaled poker face. I don't want to upset them any more than I have to, not when they've finally stopped crying.
Truth is, I haven't dealt with it yet. Hasn't sunk in. I've been running on instinct since I woke up on that gurney, tearing out of my body bag in a mindless rage. I knew, distantly, that she was gone. I felt the spark go out, heard her last song. I know the smell of my mother's magic better than anyone. Coming to terms with what she did is going to take much longer than the days I've spent lost amongst the trees, hunting down the bastards that stole my family.
And what about the others? How am I going to look ma'Kuch in the eye again? That was the love of her life bleeding out on the living room floor and I couldn't do a damn thing to save her. Kenny loved her like his own flesh and blood. The kids—fuck, the kids don't know a time before our family; they lost a mother just as surely as I did.
How am I supposed to tell them she gave what little she had left to bring my sorry ass back from the great beyond? One of the few sirens left in this world, and she gave her last song for a dog.
"Eren?" Levi's quiet voice whispers across my skin and I swallow back the tears.
Fuck. They may not have my nose, but Levi and Mikasa have the blood of queens in them. They're strong for their age and will only get stronger. If they couldn't feel my emotions before, they sure as shit can feel the fresh wave of grief pouring off of me. "S'alright," I say into Levi's soft hair. I need to keep it together, at least until we make it back. They have enough to deal with; they don't need my weakness making it worse. "I'm alright. Don't you worry 'bout nothin'."
Armin looks up at me. I catch his eyes and dredge up a smile for him, ruffling his long blonde hair with my free hand. He doesn't have my nose, nor does he have Mikasa and Levi's natural empathy, but he can hear the truth in every lie. I can only guess what his ears caught in my voice. "Everything's gonna be alright, babies. I promise."
He smiles back, small and unsteady. That, at least, wasn't a lie. I won't let it be.
The hike back to Shinganshina is long and arduous. I know every inch of my den's territory and these woods smell nothing like home. I ran hard after those goddamn hellhounds, ignoring the sting from my scraped paws and aching lungs. We were miles from town, but we're making good time.
I'm starting to feel the strain in my muscles, the ache from my flight and the fight that came when I caught up to the animals I hunted. Levi's always been small, hardly weighs a thing, but I haven't given myself a moment to rest. The adrenaline is fading. He feels much heavier in my arms than he should. I tell myself I'll let my body heal as soon as we get out of here.
I didn't expect to find a bunch of terrified children aside from the three I was looking for, and making sure they stay in one piece during the journey back slows us all down significantly, but leaving them behind hadn't been an option. They're well-behaved, though, and understandably quiet. Poor things. I catch a few snippets of whispered conversations between them. It makes me wonder how long they were stuck in that cabin, how long their families have been looking for them.
"You think they'll have some food for us when we get back?"
"Of course, Sash." Sasha's the really skinny one, I remember. She took some coaxing to get out. Didn't trust me for shit, and I can't blame her; I wouldn't trust anything canine, either, after that cabin. Can't tell what she is beneath the filth and sulfur. She's taller than Levi and weighs half as much. The assholes had starved her till she was little more than a skeleton. "Bet your dad'll bake you whatever you want forever."
"You think so, Con?"
"I know it." That's one of the wolf pups. A wolf can smell another wolf a mile away. Even the sulfur can't mask it.
"Think your daddy will make us some, too?" The freckled one. His accent is familiar. Sounds a bit like mine used to when I was his age. South Rose, I'm guessing, or North Maria.
"Of course!" It's the most spirited I've heard Sasha thus far. "We'll all go to papa's bakery after this. You'll see. My papa makes the best sweets in Rose."
"Really? That's amazing. Ain't it, Jean?"
Another wolf. "Yeah, Marco. Real swell."
The other three pups don't talk much, a handful of words exchanged between them. Two boys, one girl. All of them stick close to me and are smart enough not to stray, but the tiny blonde girl—smaller even than Levi—clings to Armin. He called her Christa. They'd been in the same cage together.
An owl hoots overhead. The leaves rustle in a hot breeze that brings no relief. The trees are starting to smell familiar. I think about the plans we had to take the kids camping before I left for college in the fall, introduce them to nature properly. With Levi, the youngest, halfway to twelve, it seemed like the best time. I took a year off after high school to prepare for it, but all the plans we made were for nothing.
This wasn't how they were supposed to learn the taste of earth and the breath of the wild. I was going to teach them how to listen to the trees, how to make sense of their whispers on the wind. For years they'd wanted to come with me on my hunts, to walk the path of the moon, and I longed for their company. Wolves were pack animals, and I was the only wolf in my den. The thought of having my family with me during the change was exciting. We were going to run together once they were strong enough to hold their own.
I wonder if they'll ever be able to step foot in the woods again. They're tough, I have faith they'll make it through this, but the memories of this nightmare will be slow to fade.
A tremor ripples through me. I stumble, winded. Levi panics and tightens his grip.
Fuck. Not now.
"Eren?" Mikasa.
I grit my teeth. "Think you can do me a favor, darlin'?" I gently pry Levi from his koala-hold. He resists, silver eyes wide and worried, but he's a good boy when I need him to be. And right now I really need him to be. "Hold on to your brother for me, okay? Can you do that?" She nods, interlacing her fingers with Levi's. "That's my girl. I need a breather, is all. No worries." I smooth back their hair. They look so much like Kuchel. People often mistake them for twins in spite of the height difference. I check over the others. "Ya'll holdin' up alright?"
Another chorus of, "yes," and a few silent nods.
"Good. Won't be long, now." Something snaps in my back. I withhold a grimace and start walking. The countdown that started days ago is nearing its end. "Ya'll're bein' so brave. Your parents are gonna be so proud. Stay close to me for a little while longer, yeah? This'll all be over soon."
Motherfucker. I thought I had more time. All the legends say this shit gets worse with every change, not in a few days, but I guess none of them had ever taken into account my particular circumstance. Not everyday a wolf comes back from the dead.
I just need to get them home. I can hold on till then. Another tremor has me shaking, but I'm prepared for it.
The kids are silent. I can feel them watching me. I know better than to think they don't pick up on the fact that something's wrong; my breathing is loud and I'm trembling with the effort of holding back the shift. A growl crawls up my throat to crash against the back of my teeth. Still, they stick by me and follow without question.
Get the fuck back in your cage.
Just get them home. If I can just get them home, everything will be alright.
The first few wafts of home tickle my nose when my knee snaps. My spine breaks in three places. The prick of new bone tears through me, overwhelming and agonizing. I catch myself on a tree, half-formed claws burying themselves in the old bark. Too many teeth crowd my aching mouth. Extra canines slip down and nick my lip.
I was a fool to think my mother's life would be the end of it. A life for a life; equivalent exchange. But her life, however precious, was not enough to pay for the consequences of my choice. She brought me back and I threw it away. In the end, she'd only bought me time.
There's always a catch, and my mother isn't here to pay for my mistakes again.
Not yet. I've never had a lot of control over the wolf. Never needed to. But I'll be damned if I let it get the best of me. Not now. I ain't done yet.
"It's 'cause you turned against the moon, isn't it."
Jean, the boy with two-toned hair, looks up at me with sharp brown eyes. They remind me of Mikasa's. She always saw more than she should. "Clever pup." A puff of humor escapes me. "Let this be a lesson for ya. Don't be stupid like me."
"You're not stupid," Levi says, suddenly fierce.
Mikasa follows swiftly with, "you saved us."
But I couldn't save my mother. I couldn't stop this from happening. They'll figure that out soon enough, and the thought of their disappointment sends my stomach churning.
I'll never know who they'll grow up into. I hope they'll be strong and smart and kind.
Selfishly, I hope they'll remember me.
I force my knee back into alignment. There isn't time for wallowing. "S'alright. Ain't nothin' to worry about." I limp a few steps before the break heals over. "See? Good as new." Mikasa, Levi, and Armin quickly grab ahold of my belt loops. Jean doesn't look convinced, but he and the others follow suit. "Let's go home."
My last words should have been better ones. Be good or I love you or I'm sorry. But anything I could have said will never be enough. Truth is, last words don't matter. What I really want—what we all want, in the end—is more time.
But there's always a catch. Always a price.
This is mine.
