Half Solved Puzzle
Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata and Madhouse studio. No money was made in writing this.
Summary: Light's internal reaction to L's unshakable belief that he is Kira – set during the Yotsuba arc.
–
You stare at me. You think I don't realise, that I don't notice, don't feel you watching.
Your black eyes glint in the light of the computer screens, burrowing into the side of my head, as if my thoughts are imprinted within my skull for you to read at your leisure.
You think you know me and understand me, that I am the ultimate criminal, your prize, and your enemy.
I do not know why I try so hard to tell you otherwise. You remain fixed in your belief, so sure of your reasoning that there can be no other.
You do not see me, and I doubt you ever will.
I am either an extension of your Kira, or a poor substitute. You cannot touch him, so instead you go through me: every action, every shot you take is against Kira, with your mute answers, snide comments, and your fists. I'm being ripped to shreds, new ragged holes in the flesh of my consciousness appear daily, but I doubt you'd care.
You make me so enraged, but there is nothing I can do, you have all the power, you are in control. I hate you so much. But, I can't let that show, because then you have won.
So, I have to clamp down on my feelings, my fury, my anguish, until you do something where I can't take it anymore and I lash out, and you grin in response.
Why, and for what?
You are wrong.
Why don't you understand that?
I am not Kira.
But… it's getting to the point where I don't know who I am. Bit by bit, I lose another portion of my identity, my very being – gone. And when it goes, new flesh grows and mutates in its place, all twisted, grey-tinged, and rotten.
It feels like... you are slowly and painfully tearing me apart and remaking me in Kira's image.
I've started to doubt my certainty, my innocence, and myself. But, I know I can't be Kira, it doesn't make sense… you have made me almost believe – but I would know, I would remember.
How can you do this to me?
In you, I found someone I never thought existed, another who understood me, who thought like me, an actual friend, finally.
Did that mean nothing to you?
Was I ever your friend or just your enemy, your suspect?
I hate to look at you and see him.
So close, yet so fucking far.
You are not him. You are L. And it feels like I am grieving (even though he never existed) for him, for that friendship, every time I look at you.
To you, he was just another alias, a mask, but to me he was my only friend.
And you took him from me.
You sicken me because you remind me of what I had and it wasn't even real. You have hurt me so much. Yet, I mean nothing to you. You are indifferent to me; I am a curiosity, nothing more than a half solved puzzle.
"Light-kun has been staring into space for five minutes and 33 seconds, is something wrong?"
I don't look at you when I reply, "Nothing, L."
"Delaying work for no justifiable cause has increased Light-kun's chances of being Kira by 0.05%."
I stifle a sigh and bite my tongue.
Glancing at the monitor I begin the laborious task of collecting the relevant data to cross-reference time of death with cause of death for each criminal and citizen in the past three months.
The only importance is catching the real Kira and proving you wrong, but I doubt it will make a difference.
You have already destroyed me.
