AN: This is a crack-fic. Honestly, don't take any of this seriously, and I'm not exactly stupid… Kind of. And this is my first… so be gentle. If you want.

CHAPTER 1

Voldemort paced his new office. The gothic decorations blended greatly with his personality. He ran and slid across the mahogany floor, skidding his feet to the end. His newly fitted sequined robe that Professor Umbridge fashioned swished, leaving glitter all over the floor. Voldemort had a very weird obsessive attraction to glitter, unicorns, rainbows, and death. He began to feel his personality change, just when he took over Hogwarts. He completely demolished Hogwarts, only to remake it exactly the same, but in pink. This all happened when Voldemort saw Hermione's cat, Crookshanks, watching Glee on his mac. Though Voldemort had a strong hatred to apple software, he has a strong love for Crookshanks. Crookshanks loves Glee, sun bathing and sparkly stuff. Thus, giving him is lovely new and spiffy personality. Voldemort gave all the dorms attractive rainbowed colour Plasma screen 3d smart televisions. Maybe potentially ruining the school and school kids was really a good thing after all. Voldemort opened his door to this hot, attractive and rather sexy cat. His face lit up with joy.

"CROOKSHANKS! MY CUTE LITTLE SHNOOCKUMS COMING TO SEE VOLDY-POO? AWW ARENT YOU JUST A DARLING."

Voldemort lays out his antique tea set, and seated several dollies around the cute little purple playmobile table. Unfortunately, Voldemort has no tea, so he settled for coffee.

"Oh Sweetie-Pie, I hope you can hold you can hold your caffeine." Voldemort says, followed by a quiet, but noticeable girly giggle.

As Crookshanks received the coffee, his mind wasn't set on this horrid muggle drink. So instead, he got up and decided to casually ruin Voldemort's office, as well as the antique tea set and gothic decorations…. By accident. He pounced back into his seat, and drank the coffee, finding the taste surprisingly nice.

"CROOKSHANKS, WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO VOLDY-POO'S OFFICE? IT WAS MY LIFE, THE ONLY THING WORTH LIVING FOR. JUST LEAVE."

He sobbed and cried until he was dehydrated and jumped out of his office window, looking for a source of fresh water. But all he could find was stone, which had potentially made him crippled, as he looked like he was mashed together, and served with rare steak. Madam Pomfrey quickly came to Voldemorts aid, and preformed a quick diagnoses.

"Hmmmmm." Madam Pomfrey thought.

"It seems like you jumped out of a window and splatted on the ground, after being dehydrated when crying over a broken tea set and a ruined office." Said Madam Pomfrey, wrinkling her brow and stroking her chin for a correct way to handle this horrible situation.

"Oh, I am sure you will be fine. I barely think this is more important than finding a match on eHarmony."

She skipped joyously away into the distance.

"BRAD, I'M COMING FOR YOU, SWEETPEA!"

What will become of a severely injured Voldemort?

What happened to Crookshanks?

Will Hagrid find an appropriate size toilet?

All to find out in the next chapter.